AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@freeatlast2021 Your advice is wonderful and compassionate. Thank you. Whenever I see things about 'Thanksgiving' on TV I get jealous that we don't have it over here. The feasts look amazing! An update on my situation- I have been at my Mum's for 2 weeks. Although I have been nauseous and sleepless for most of that time, I regret nothing, and am starting to feel like my confidence is coming back, because I'm free to do things in a way that makes sense to me. He's seen our daughter since and was- mercifully - civil. I dont know what's coming and am anxious and sorry because I do care for him, but this was the right choice.

Omg, sorry but I have to went here as I am so mad. Even though my ex told me and the kids that he did not want to have set visiting schedule, that they can "come when they want", it turns out that Sunday evening (for a few hours) works best for him and he expects them to reserve this time for him. This is not so easy as my kids are grown up and all have work with schedule all over the place, plus my daughters have school so they are all very busy. He of course, found time that is best for him and thinks that they have to drop whatever they are doing to come. Not to mention that the youngest is minor and should really be spending a lot more time with her dad than few hours once a week, and doing more useful stuff than watching movies.

Also, this is a Thanksgiving weekend for us and I am roasting turkey today. Yesterday the dinner was at my sister's house, but I went alone because kids were meeting dad. My sister thought he would make them fancy Thanksgiving dinner, which I knew he would not, but I assumed they would eat something as they meet during dinner time. I go to my sister's and they go for a walk with their dad. Few hours later my youngest is texting me asking if she can come over. She said they are done with the visit and her brother is going out to get some food so he can drive her. I got so upset when I realized that he did not feed them at all. He met with his own children, went for a walk and was so cheep that he did not want to stop and buy them food, but sent them back hungry!!!!! My sister was so happy because she ended up "feeding them", which is what she wanted all along, for us all to come to her dinner, but I was so mad. I am more mad because I, like always, do not have courage to confront him and say, "so you do not feed your own kids, and on the Thanksgiving Sunday?! Why do you think it is only my job to do so, you prick?!" I cannot. Even thinking about it makes me sick. This was btw one of the problems that I had in our marriage, he intimidates me and I had difficulties discussing issues with him.

It is probably best I do not say anything anyway, as everyone is saying that I should not meddle in his relationship with his kids, and should not think to much about what he is and is not doing. Also, I worry, because he is that kind of an asshole, that he will go back to my kids and ask them why they "complain" to me that he did not feed them.

Oh flip, they can be so thoughtless can't they? Really hope he didn't manage to ruin you whole weekend.

@freeatlast2021 that all sounds so frustrating!! How can he be so thoughtless, and it sounds like completely absolve himself of any parenting responsibilities?? I’m sure it all helps to cement in your mind that you have made the very best decision for yourself, and I’m sure your children too xx

@Tunneling Well, it did not completely ruin it, no, but the way I am right now, it does not take a lot to upset me. Yesterday, the day after it all, as I was preparing our dinner I felt like crying the whole time. Funny thing the human mind is. You think you have it all under control but a little breeze can set you off.
@Yellowswan Yes, I mean, I know this is all new to him and he is learning what to do, but these are his kids, it was dinner time, in fact, Thanksgiving Sunday dinner. He could have ask them if they have eaten and take them home for a meal after the walk. I mean, I would do that with anybody's kids. But yes, this tells you how caring his is.

Hey all, how is everyone?

Hope everyone is ok. I feel a little lost and noticed it's been quiet on here of late so thought I'd check in and say if anyone needs a listening ear.. I'm here xx

Hi @lemonmeringue85, not much to report here, just plodding along 😔 I’m screaming inside every day because I just want out of this. I don’t think it could be more obvious how I’m feeling, I can barely make any attempts to hide it now, so tired of it all. Yet he still just marches on regardless as if it’s all normal and it’s infuriating. I know it’s down to me to say how I feel, but god I just don’t know how he thinks this is any kind of normal or healthy.

I’m thinking in my head that I cannot get to Christmas and still be in this, I just can’t.

I didn’t know how much I needed a rant until I started so thank you for checking in!!! How are things your end? Any more conversations had, any further forwards? Xx

Thanks for checking in @lemonmeringue85. I’m still here with no news to share. Still flinching at every touch, couldn’t be making it more obvious that something’s wrong (not to be cruel, but because I literally can’t bring myself to be any other way). Still feeling guilty and like the worst person alive because I don’t feel the way I “should”. Sometimes think about what could be with huge excitement. Sometimes terrified because I don’t know what’s around the corner. And every day knowing that we’re getting closer to Christmas and there will yet again be the “it’s not a good time” excuse. Never a good time I know, but I do seem to have the skill of always finding a reason why now it particularly bad which probably means I’m a big old coward.
Sorry - that’s turned into much more of a moan than I thought it would! Hope everyone else is doing ok and working towards being in a more positive place xx

Bless you both. I am in exactly the same position as you both, same as where I was back in April which is a depressing thought. I'm probably being even worse and feel awful and guilty for it but I just can't say it. I don't think her actually leave to be honest, we've had a few more conversations but it's like I've dreamt them the next day, he's just carrying on like nothings wrong!
It's frustrating. I'm sacrificing my own happiness and becoming increasingly low just to keep the family together and avoid the fallout.

Sending love to you both, it is so so hard.

Hi @lemonmeringue85 - I hope all is okay with you?

I'm 4 weeks in post breakup and feeling much brighter.

Ex is being a bit of a dick about seeing our little one but generally out of my hair.

I've got 4 weeks notice on our house and then that's sorted. Then going to sort the divorce as want him out of my hair!!!

My girlfriends got me on a dating site whilst drunk and I met someone a week ago for an ego boost and we went on a dinner date (my first ever first date!) had a lovely kiss goodnight and I'm seeing him again Friday. Both not bothered about a relationship right now. Just some casual dates which has put a smile on my face! 

@Yellowswan @HoneyDaze youll get there lovelies hang in there. I believe in you! Xxx

Helllllooo. Currently lying in bed next to snoring DH and reading this thread. Started posting and reading MN over last few months as wasn't sure where to turn. No abuse as such but plenty of unacceptable behaviour from DH. He is v dependent on me. Like an overgrown teenage boy who complains about everything and changes nothing. He sulks. Has weird hang ups and obsessions. I mother him which I hate but otherwise he would do nothing.

BUT. I have 2 DC (7 months and 2 yrs) and I'm yet to be convinced this is the right thing for them. Whatever MN says.

Also my mum lent me money to buy our family house 3 years ago after she came into some money. He put in £0 as didn't own property before. He will go for half the house and half the time with the kids. He has talked about quitting his job and being SAHD and someone said I could end up losing kids and paying him maintenance. Well I'd rather put up with him

Sorry. Anyway. Just sharing. Feel so alone and consumed my guilt. Every option seems awful. But then I worry I'm going to do nothing for 10 years and then we be even harder for DC. Right now they're so small they wouldn't even understand it. They would never remember us together which is both sad and comforting

Hi all, so glad to find you and this thread. I hope you’re all doing ok.

Lots of stories & advice on here and I’m going to read them over the next few days.

I think I want out. We just started counselling. We have a 3 year old and I wish I had the ability to see in the future and know it was the right decision. But of course I don’t.

Hi all. Jumping on here because I'm full of adrenalin and feel sick. But excited too. I actually did it!!! I told him it's over for good. I've had to go through this 4 times now, each time getting to the point of wanting out, getting up the nerve to speak my true mind, and then being talked out of it and cajoled back into the comfort of the relationship. Well not anymore. Ahhhhhh!! As usual he deflected my comments of being unhappy back onto me, asking for specifics and of course my mind goes blank. Before that's where the doubt would set in but I have solid belief in myself now. I'm unhappy and that's enough. I don't need to give him a list of reasons that he can pick apart. We have two young dcs, 3 and 1, and I don't want them growing up thinking it's normal for a couple to sit in silence. At our core we aren't friends, have nothing in common, and that's a big flaw I have plastered over for our entire relationship. He doesn't understand my sense of humour and I want to spend the rest of my life laughing, not miserable. So flip him, I'm out!!!!!

@AnotherGo123

Helllllooo. Currently lying in bed next to snoring DH and reading this thread. Started posting and reading MN over last few months as wasn't sure where to turn. No abuse as such but plenty of unacceptable behaviour from DH. He is v dependent on me. Like an overgrown teenage boy who complains about everything and changes nothing. He sulks. Has weird hang ups and obsessions. I mother him which I hate but otherwise he would do nothing.

BUT. I have 2 DC (7 months and 2 yrs) and I'm yet to be convinced this is the right thing for them. Whatever MN says.

Also my mum lent me money to buy our family house 3 years ago after she came into some money. He put in £0 as didn't own property before. He will go for half the house and half the time with the kids. He has talked about quitting his job and being SAHD and someone said I could end up losing kids and paying him maintenance. Well I'd rather put up with him

Sorry. Anyway. Just sharing. Feel so alone and consumed my guilt. Every option seems awful. But then I worry I'm going to do nothing for 10 years and then we be even harder for DC. Right now they're so small they wouldn't even understand it. They would never remember us together which is both sad and comforting

Just a thought: if you think you might separate, it might be better to do it sooner rather than later. The longer you're together, the greater his chance to claim that everything is marital assets.

Have you spoken to anyone for legal advice? Why not get an initial appointment with a solicitor to find out where you stand, that might help you decide what's best for you and your DC.

Good luck, it sounds a horrible position to be in.

@Mummsnett

Hi all. Jumping on here because I'm full of adrenalin and feel sick. But excited too. I actually did it!!! I told him it's over for good. I've had to go through this 4 times now, each time getting to the point of wanting out, getting up the nerve to speak my true mind, and then being talked out of it and cajoled back into the comfort of the relationship. Well not anymore. Ahhhhhh!! As usual he deflected my comments of being unhappy back onto me, asking for specifics and of course my mind goes blank. Before that's where the doubt would set in but I have solid belief in myself now. I'm unhappy and that's enough. I don't need to give him a list of reasons that he can pick apart. We have two young dcs, 3 and 1, and I don't want them growing up thinking it's normal for a couple to sit in silence. At our core we aren't friends, have nothing in common, and that's a big flaw I have plastered over for our entire relationship. He doesn't understand my sense of humour and I want to spend the rest of my life laughing, not miserable. So flip him, I'm out!!!!!

I bet that's a relief! I so wish I'd done what you've done, years before instead of letting it all drag on.

Here's to a new future for you and your DCs!

@Mummsnett WHOOP!

We are all right here for you my lovely!

@Mummsnett Good for you! So happy for you. Now it is only onwards and upwards for you. What you did is exactly right. Keep it short and to the point, "I want out". At this point, it does not matter why, all that matters is that you are not happy and that you want out of the relationship. Once you start explaining is when the problems may arise. He will start denying it, telling you that you are wrong, telling you what you should and should not be feeling and the more you talk the more unsure you would be getting.

So happy for you. From now on, do not look back. Soon enough you will be free, to do what you want, when you want, to laugh and sing and dance. You are a young women, your whole life is ahead of you to do with it what you want.

👋 to all newcomers, glad that you have felt you can share here- I relate to all of you!!! @Mummsnett amazing news, you give me hope!! Xx

Thank you all. The adrenaline rush has been replaced by mild panic at having done the wrong thing, and stress over whether I can afford to stay in our house. The logistical stuff. So much hangs on how he reacts, what he will pay in maintenance etc since I'll have the kids the majority of the time, but I took myself out for a walk with my mum this eve and she brought me back with the mantra "i deserve to be happy". And I do. And whatever happens it will all work out. The world won't stop turning. I know there's a sh*tstorm of stresses ahead of me, but I've taken a step. It's awful ladies, I feel an emotional wreck, so thank goodness for this thread, but we can all do this. We deserve to be happy.

@Mummsnett It is great that you have your mom near and that she supports you. Moms are the best . Whatever you are feeling now is normal and please remember, it will get worse before it gets better. This period between now and him moving out will be hardest, so it is important that you do whatever you can to make it as short as possible. Most important thing to remember is, it WILL get better. Hang in there. Sending you some good vibes across the ocean.

@WobblingLockdown

Thank you for this thread. I've NC'd to reply. I am in the earlier stages of trying to decide what to do. All your descriptions of what led you to separate have been like a mirror of my situation. We don't have a spare room, so sleeping apart isn't an option. I'm not ready to talk to him about my feelings yet. I can't figure out which is less bad for DC (only child, 12). Split now, or wait until after GCSEs. Or stick it out longterm? We are best friends. But not romantically involved anymore. See, I'm still in the whirling ideas round in my head stage. Being able to write it down is a help though, it frees some space in my mind to think more clearly.

I hope you are all OK and wish you all the very best outcomes for you and your families, whatever that outcome is.

I have posted a fairly similar thread..... If I am honest I have wanted out of my marriage the entire time but have never felt brave enough or financially capable (I gave up work to have three children). Two years ago he had an affair and I asked him to leave. My friends and colleagues were all extremely supportive, but my mum made me panic and I took him back. After counselling and effort on both parts our marriage recovered - we moved house and life is really good. BUT, I still want out. I don't want any intimacy with him and feel he deserves better. I don't worry about regretting leaving (I am mainly heartbroken about leaving my dream home), but I am scared of hurting him. I am not too worried about the children. I know he will turn nasty (he has a temper) and it will be very difficult for me but finally I feel brave enough. I could stay and have a good life but I want passion and more. I am so confused :(

@Yellowswan @HoneyDaze
I'm very much like you, things are pretty static my end. Opportunities come along to finally tell him and I just bottle it. I've been working on things with my therapist and am starting to feel stronger and less worried about his reaction. I'm just so scared of feeling like I've made the wrong decision and going back in a moment of weakness. I've done it before and I don't want to go back again. I want to be free and happy and myself. I feel like such a coward to be honest.
I'm also making it quite obvious and I don't understand how he thinks it's ok to live like we are. I show no affection, there's been no intimacy now for almost three months and that's a massive thing for him. I just feel so lost.
@OneGlamMama that's lovely news about the date! It's nice to hear you're coming out the other end of this and feeling so much better. It gives me hope!!

Hi to the newcomers. Glad you've found us and find the thread supportive and somewhere you feel you can share.

Hope everyone is ok. It's such a rollercoaster. I want to get off it, ha!

I was just getting to the point of saying. That's it, we're done. But found out this morning I would have to sell up the family home as I can't afford to buy him out. Completely rattled me. So despondent now. Am so grateful to you all, keeps me sane. He hasn't spoken to me in over 3 months because I called him out on his behaviour and told him my feelings have changed towards him. He has refused to have any dialogue with me since. Our dc witnessing this and in bedroom with me. His father in the spare room. Feel very vulnerable and just the worst Mum ever

lemon yes it's a rollercoaster. I'm in one this morning, just slowly cranking up to the top with an almighty drop to come. 3 months ago H said he wanted to separate and for me to sell our house next year, he would be moving out to a rented flat in the mean time. I was shocked and said the time wasn't right. He insisted we separate by the time he retires in 4 years. Since then he has said nothing more, doesn't seem to have taken any action. His life seems to have carried unaffected, whereas I have been busy getting my ducks in a row.
Today our DS is visiting for the first time. I don't know what's going to happen. This may sound stupid. But it's always me who takes action and this is H's decision. H hasn't said anything to either DC, though of course I have plus all my friends know!!!!!
Do I say something? I really want to leave it to H. It's his decision, his mess.
I will have a chance to talk to DS alone this afternoon as H is out. Even writing this has helped me......

Hello all and 👋 to the newcomers on the journey.

@1ranksenior he's said it so he has made the decision - you can absolutely see it through and make it happen. Don't wait on it!!! 🙏

@findthecourage - if you've not spoken in 3 months and the DC can see it you absolutely need to act. Go grey rock as he has and embrace your new future where you aren't ignored and belittled as a person. I totally get that you don't want to sell your home but given what you've said this will need to happen if you split but actually that's only a matter of when. I promise you you'll feel empowered and a fabulous mum to give your DC a better future than with a man child.

@lemonmeringue85 you've made great strides from your first post. It may not feel like it but you sound more resolute and that when it happens you won't be looking back nervously. Big hugs and support to get to that point. You deserve better x

@workanddogs - he had an affair and yet you're worried about hurting him? Was he thinking of you then? No. You've said yourself the DC will be ok so you need to look out for you. Sadly no one else can do it for you but we are all here 💐

@Mummsnett - well done on throwing the grenade. It's not easy I know so a massive achievement. Your phrase 'we all deserve to be happy is spot on'. I think as women we consider everyone else first, which is a great attribute but can also be our undoing. Good luck with dealing with that interim shit - has it been ok since Wednesday?

@OneGlamMama - yay for your date. My friends keep threatening to 'put me out there' but I need a period of pause, and I guess grieving, after 20 years together. You are young though and I'd hope I'd do the same in your shoes!

Sorry for not mentioning by name everyone on here but I am reading and cheering you on 📣

We've been living apart now for almost 4 months and the EOWeekend is going well. Ive been to Brighton this weekend to celebrate a friends 50th and it was so lovely to be free and mooch around and go out out in a lively place. I spoke to a few women in the loos 😄 and it felt good to be my own person again.