AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Tunneling how are you doing today after biting the bullet? How did it go?

I'm still hovering. I'm literally torturing myself as well as H, but the words will physically not come out. The tension is awful and I know he's not stupid and will sense something for definite, I just don't think either one of us dare make the move. I really want to have the conversation and have spoken to him numerous times over the last couple of weeks now, but then the next day it's like it's completely forgotten and he just goes back to pretending like everything will be fine.

I can't take anymore. How on earth do I bring it up and follow it through when we're living in the same house? Any tips appreciated.

@OneGlamMama I have been thinking of you, and hope you're doing ok. That must have been really hurtful, and hard to take in. Sending love to you and your little one.

Hugs to everyone this evening. I'm on annual leave now so I've poured a gin, ordered a pizza and plan on finishing Helen Thorns ' get divorced..' book before a week of tip runs and home organising.

Have a fabulous week and keep going xx

@Tunneling - I find seeing him quite hard now but he's in his instant regret mode and called it all of with her for being a "clingy kid" 🙄
I'm struggling. I've had several panic attacks about everything. And many "what have I done" moments. But then I remind myself that the man has booked a holiday to Miami (never travelled anywhere solo!) in March for 'spring break' season to get laid. 🤢
I felt the same though. I've kind of gone past 'grieving' and now just want to move on with my life!

@SummerSazz - it's just crazy how quick he had done it! And he's left me to message his mother about our breakup!!!

@lemonmeringue85 - thank you my love💕
Honestly... H asked me if I was happy and I just burst into tears and said I couldn't do this anymore and we just started the conversation. I left for the day, sent him a letter via text and just waited for his response, which he later agreed with me.

I'm off for a girls night tomorrow, which is much much needed!

@lemonmeringue85 I know exactly how you feel and what you mean when you say "but the words will physically not come out." It is true. Like one of those dreams where you want to scream but nothing is coming out of your mouth. Right?

But one thing is for sure, you can do it, and ones you do things will start rolling and soon after you will be free and content. Keep this in mind. I am not sure what your situation is (sorry you might have mentioned it), do you want him to leave the house, would you mind leaving yourself? I would just say:" I cannot live like this any longer, I want out. I would appreciate it if you would leave the house as I would want to continue living her with the kids, if not, I will leave.". That is it. Do not let yourself be pulled into any kind of explaining, apologizing and such. "I want out". period. I know that this sounds cruel and that is why people keep avoiding this conversion as we all want to be "nice", but there is no nice way to do this. You have to be short and direct and firm with your message. Rip the band-aide and get on with your life. Life is too precious to be wasted.

Hi all, hoping you don't mind me jumping on this post. Have had "the chat" with my oh this weekend and ended our relationship after 8 years. We have two small kids, which makes it harder, but I literally couldn't continue. Every day I was thinking "I don't want to be with you anymore". He's a lovely guy, but I felt like his mother and have been solely keeping our lives moving, while he mainly focused on himself. I'm mid 30s and feel like this can't be all there is. Can't remember the last time I laughed. Sorry for jumping on your post but I feel very raw and this thread resonates so strongly and gives me some comfort. Hope you're all okay!

@Mummsnett Welcome to our thread. I am glad you are joining. I am sorry for what you are going through. I know it is very, very hard. For me, it was probably one of the hardest things I went through. However, I commend you for doing it, for doing it so early on in your life. It took me more then a decade to get my ducks in a row, but better ever then never. Right? Do visit and post any time you would like and be kind to yourself.

Ladies I need help tonight.
H came home from work and just asked me outright if I was avoiding cuddling him on purpose and not initiating any contact whatsoever, and was he wasting his time..
I didn't do what I normally do and backtrack and make him feel like our marriage is everything I want and want to work through which is progress for me.

Instead I let him know I didn't want to carry on like we were, that I feel we've grown apart etc. Then he asked if I wanted him to leave and I froze. He asked me if I'd be happier without him and I said 'I don't know'.

So now we're sitting in silence, watching MAFS reunion and neither of us knowing what the fuck is going on.

Why is this so hard? I don't want to hurt him.

@lemonmeringue85 I know it's tough my lovely, but maybe this is it...
he's given you the opener and maybe it's time to take it and just admit everything of how you feel.

I would just break the silence and tell me that it isn't working anymore.

Take the strength from this group of wonderful ladies. We are right here with you.

@freeatlast2021 @OneGlamMama Thankyou. It's torture. I'm breaking his heart and I hate it. All I can think is 'he's a good man' 'he never complains' 'he has the kids and I at the centre of everything' blah blah blah and it's becoming so so difficult to think of anything else at all of why I started this thread in the first place.

He's gone to bed, I've decided to make a drink and read from the beginning!

I know he'll go to work tomorrow without mentioning a thing and then I'll get text messages. It seems the only successful way to communicate with each other at the moment.

You lot have no idea how amazing you all are xx

@lemonmeringue85 I had to message H my letter via text and honestly it was probably the best thing to do for our situation. (Especially as my memory is awful and I like to have things written down)

@lemonmeringue85 My ex and I exchanged some of the most important stuff via email. It was easiest for me as he truly intimidates me and I freeze when I need to talk to him. Also, writing things down is sometimes better because you can think about what you are saying and how you are saying it, vs verbally sometimes you say stuff you did not really want to or you do not say what you planed.

It does not matter how you communicate as long as the message is clear. I know how you feel and I wish I can help take the pain away, but that is not how it works. It has to get worse before it gets better, but it will get better, believe me. Keep posting. We are here for you.

@lemonmeringue85 I totally relate to how you feel right now. Before having the chat over the weekend I was so sure in my reasoning why it wasn't working for me. But now those reasons feel like jelly and I'm doubting myself, wondering why I've caused this pain. Deep down though I know it wasn't the right relationship for me. He is a lovely guy but he's not the right guy for me. I don't want to spend more of my life pretending to be happy and making do, when I could be actually be happy. That's the goal. I feel like I've been smashed into a thousand pieces, but that's the goal, and I'll get there. Just like you will!

Thank you @freeatlast2021for your kind words! Absolutely, it doesn't feel better right now, but I'm living in the hope that one day it will

@oneglammama my sister said something to me yesterday that struck a chord - 'the male ego is an incredibly powerful thing' it explained my husbands actions after the split and wonder if it explains your chap jumping into bed with a 'clingy kid' too. It's been awful to be honest. Apparently ive ruined his life and his relationship with dd, he'll resent me forever etc. Even now I still wonder if it's the right thing, despite how unhappy I was because dd was thriving at least with both our care.

@Tunneling - his relationship with his DD is down to HIM and how much effort he wants to put in with her. My friend said to me "when you split, you no longer have to worry about him. Where he lives, how much contact he has with the kids, that's all on him now. You need to focus on you and your happiness."

And it is soo true.
I'm two weeks in and I've almost gone past caring what he is doing. It sucks seeing him as my heart hurts for our relationship and our son, but as soon as he leaves, I pick myself back up again and remind myself how far I've come in just two weeks.

@oneglammama Great that you're almost past caring. I've got a big hill to climb. Gave up work to raise daughter and need a job badly. Getting no interviews so just applied for a supermarket xmas job! Like being a teenager again, living back with my mum. Husband hates me and is furious, and I'm terrified of revenge, and I feel sick when i think of him, so I'm trying to keep mind elsewhere.

Bit late to this party but stumbled across this thread in the wee hours and am amazed there are so many of us in the same situation. My story is very similar to OP except we've had 'the chat' and promptly gone back to normal so not sure what will happen now.

@tipseytorvey welcome to the club!

Thanks Tunnelling 😁. I keep wondering if I'm completely mad and selfish. I always worried in my 20s that a man would leave me struggling as a single parent (as happened to my mother) so was very careful to find someone lovely, kind and considerate. Which he was til we had kids, doing half the household stuff , then I think maternity leave unbalanced the whole set up and it's never gone back. I do all the wife work, all the getting up in the night with the SEN one, all the birthday and Xmas planning, whilst contributing 50/50 to the household income doing a really demanding snr ft job. Everytime he leaves dishes on top of the dishwasher instead of IN it, I have to stifle the urge to smash them over his head. But hes a nice man, good to the children, just lazy and doesn't care that I'm borderline broken. I just think if I lived in a little house with the kids and he lived elsewhere I would at least have a couple of days respite a week and wouldn't have him to pick up after as well as the kids.

@TipseyTorvey Freeatlast wrote something wise about 'selfishness' on 22nd September. Worth a read. You sound so similar to so many of us. Not with 'bad' men, but fed up and worn out. How are you doing today?

I felt like that for a long time and in the end I finally decided that I needed to have the conversation. I didn’t want to stay together and end up resenting and hating eachother, and keeping us both from finding someone who could make us happy. It was tough but I was totally honest and were really good friends now. Good luck! X

Oh, I just wish we can give each other a really big hug.
Last few days I am struggling a bit. Wake up early, my anxiety takes over and I toss and turn. I feel like nothing is going my way. String of little things really, some money matters, quarrels with my kids, but I think underneath all this is the separation... and Fall of course, it always brings a certain type of sadness in me.

I hope it's OK to join the thread? I've been reading it with a sense of disbelief that so many of you are going through a similar situation.

DH and I are together 30 odd years, married 15, DS 13. In our case I've a reverse to many of you. DH friendzoned me for 7 years, not fussed about sex, but he can't see that that is a dealbreaker!

We are at counselling now but I'm just done. I want to have a vibrant connection with someone, have sex both of us want and need, but I am just so sad about our failed marriage.

DH is also going to counselling and wanted to see if he could "reconnect" about 2 months ago, but this is when I realised we were done for. He froze me out for so many years, I just don't have anything left.

Rents are crazy so I think we'll be sharing even if we separate. Oh it's really hard.

Hey 👋🏼

Things really aren't great here, I think we're on the verge of the inevitable which makes me so sad. After our conversation on Monday where he got upset all I felt was pain and hurt. I kept thinking surely if it was the right decision it wouldn't feel so crap?! The subject got ignored again for days as usual, then tonight, before taking the kids out for tea, I came into the bedroom after a shower and he tried to undo my towel as he was hugging me and I just froze. I told him no, he carried on, so I stepped away and told him I just couldn't and that I was sorry and he instantly just sulked. He's been giving me the silent treatment ever since.
This just isn't fair on either of us. Looking at the kids is breaking my heart. Why do I not have the balls to do it, I'm so angry with myself tonight 😭😭

@TipseyTorvey sounds very much like us for the last 12 months. Every detail. How are things?

@Lilolily that's good to hear you're now good friends. Reading things like that give me hooe, it's just so hard to see that being the case right now. Was it the same for you?

@freeatlast2021 so sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I hope the good days outweigh the bad. You've been such a support on here to everyone else, and I really hope you are feeling better today.

Love to all out there xx

👋 to all the new people, comforting as ever to read stories that resonate so much.

@freeatlast2021, hope you’re feeling better today. Re-read all the fabulous advice you give us 💐

@lemonmeringue85 hope you’re ok too. It sounds tough right now. I feel in a bit of a similar, very awkward place. Whilst nothings really been said, things aren’t normal either, it’s a kind of limbo and I really hate it. I just cannot make the words I need to say come out of my mouth and I’m so frustrated with myself. Xx

@L0stinCyberspace Welcome to our little safe space. Please come and post whenever your want. I am sorry you are going through this, but as you can see you are definitely not alone. There are all kinds of relationships out there and therefore all kinds of break ups. In life we tend to keep working on auto pilot, work, kids, home and often times it feels like there is not much time to analyze, observe, work on our relationship. It feels like it is a luxury to stop and reflect. Years go by and you realize that the man you share your life with is a complete stranger.

@lemonmeringue85 I am sorry to hear about your struggles, but know how you feel. Unfortunately, sadness and pain are inevitable and will linger for a little while longer (I still get it from time to time), but it will get better after a while. I found that once my ex was out of the house, it immediately felt better. His presence kept reminding me of what is happening, what we had and what we are about to lose. Stay strong my friend and keep at it.

@Yellowswan Be kind to yourself. It is hard to say those words because they are unimaginable. None of us got married thinking that one day we may end up in divorce. We thought, this love is so strong it will last forever. So going in front of your husband and actually saying it out loud is… well, hard, but you will get there, I know this for sure. This idea, once it is born, does not just go away, it grows, like a baby and eventually would need to come out when it is ready.

Stay true to yourselves and stay strong. I will be thinking about you this weekend. It is Thanksgiving weekend in my neck of the woods, so I am roasting a turkey for my kids on Monday, having dinner with my sister on Sunday. All in all should be a fun weekend (although one of my daughters is away for a week and I miss her tons).