AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@freeatlast2021 your posts are so incredibly comforting. I need to read your last one over and over xx

@Lostinsurburbia Welcome to the group! I am in a similar situation as you. Had a "conversation" in April, husband moved out in August. He was very surprised and said he had no idea this is how I felt but did nothing to change my mind. He was angry and told me that he did not want to share "his savings" with me. We ended up getting a mediator and agreed to share everything 50/50, but I do have my doubts that he did not present all of his investments truthfully, but decided to accept whatever he submitted as true and work with that.

The months after that conversation, before his moving out and a few days and weeks around his moving out were a nightmare. In the last few weeks however, I have been feeling much better, calmer, happier and more content but every now and then I too get anxious and sad. It is hard, definitely one of the hardest things that happen to me. My kids are taking it really well, so far, but they are all grown up, 23, 20 and 16 and still living with me.

All the best to you and keep posting.

@Yellowswan and when I read comments like yours this makes me so happy and pushes me forward. This is how we give each other support. I love it. Thanks a lot.

Thankyou @freeatlast2021i think the pain is worth being free and true to yourself as the end goal.

@Lostinsurburbia the pain is not going to stay forever, I promise you.

I agree that @freeatlast2021's posts are fabulous and also that the huge worry does subside. I'm almost exactly 2 years of separation (when we told the DC) and 2.5 months on from him moving out. We are getting into our rhythm (this isn't easy as we both work and are away some work nights) but we're doing ok. And most importantly still friends.

@Lostinsurburbia I'm saddened to read you say that you say you have 'huge anxiety about what you have done'. You haven't done anything. The relationship over the last 18 years has just become broken as you've both changed and a result of your life experiences over this time. You are not to blame - it's a joint result where you've ended up. What you've done is just been brave enough to recognise this and actually face into it. Don't be anxious about that - please celebrate your bravery and desire for you all to have a more fulfilling life going forwards. Hope the house hunt goes well 🤞

@smileyotter OMG I am so sorry, I can only imagine how you must feel. How did he know where to look and how did he know which thread you were on? Well, at least now he knows how you feel. Re your friend, that must hurt, but please do not let all this get the smile off your face "smileyotter". We got you.

Perhaps we should start another thread, we are already at 783 messages?

@smileyotter I am so sorry you had this kind of conversation with your friend. I have to say that I dreaded talking to my friends, especially one who went through a nasty divorce, her ex was cheating on her, but they were mostly really respectful and compassionate with me. But anyway, do not listen to her or anyone else, you know best how you feel. Maybe she would not be bothered with the things that bother you, or maybe she would have left his sorry ass years ago, who knows. Only you know your truth smileyotter. Take care.

Oh goodness @smileyotter that’s awful! Both H reading this thread and your friend’s comments. I’d be so cross. You can rant away as much as you like!

That's dreadful @smileyotter. I suppose on the upside you don't need to spend lots if time trying to explain how you feel as he's seen it warts and all.......

You have every right to be mightily pissed off but I don't expect he will have stopped reading it. 👋 MrOtter 🖕🖕🤬

As for your friend, what an odd outlook on what mutually supportive and loving relationships should entail.

@smileyotter I think you have every right to be pissed off, I would be. When H went through my phone a few months ago I was really angry. Even now, I'm not over it, it feels like just an invasion of privacy. I often wonder if he's doing the exact same and reading this thread (hi there if you are 👋🏼)

Has he said anything about what he's read or brought anything up you've said specifically?

I never really gave the snooping thing a second thought until he went through my phone. However since then it's like I'm paranoid about it. I feel like every room is bugged or something, I'm on edge in the dining room as it is as we have a camera for checking on the dog when we're out and he often admits he checks it to see if I'm in or not while he's at work 🙄 I've started turning it off unless we're going out but I feel like it makes him think I've something to hide.. which I don't. Even having a friend round for a chat makes me nervous. He's quite techy and into his little gadgets so I wouldn't put it past him tbh.

All pretty quiet here.

Son has settled well at nana and grandads. Sleeping beautifully. Eating better. Soon to start potty training - pray for me.

Tension is high between me and my parents but we are all still adjusting.

My emotions are all over the place. Up and down. I'm so strong in the day and know I made the right decision but then I get so upset at night and regret everything. Moving all the boxes was a great distraction. Being back at work has me bored so I'm overthinking everything...
Me and H are on the same page for the first time in 1.5 years. Got a lot to sort out but he works 6 nights a week so hard to find time to talk to him in daylight!

Hopefully going to sit down with him sometime early next week to discuss the next steps regarding the house and what he wants to do regarding divorce/separation.

i'm 4 years out, but we're still not divorced legally.. very much living seperated lives though, and i consider myself single.. divorce is pending.

i had one foot out the door for quite a while, my ex was emotionally and sexually abusive towards me, constantly harassed me, tried it on in my sleep or would grope me around the house, called me all kinds of names, tried to isolate me from friends/family... all while telling me that i was the abusive one because i wouldn't sleep with him...

The final straw/crunch moment for me was he told me i couldn't go somewhere i wanted to go, one week after he'd spent a whole weekend on a boys thing with his mates.. i wanted 1 afternoon. We rowed about it all day, then in the middle of the evening he told me i must be having an affair (i wasn't) and what an awful shitty person i was. I ended up sitting there, seething, trying to be grey rock, trying to ignore his tirade, and i just snapped, i screamed back 'I don't want to be married to you any more"... i think i shocked myself that after YEARS of wanting to leave, but never having the courage, i finally found my backbone.

I left 2 days later, family came while he was at work and moved me and the kids out, lock stock and barrel in one day... took everything i could get in.

Haven't looked back once. Was it hard? Yes.. but that was mostly his behaviour, he got nasty/more abusive, then tried to get more controlling, stalking my social media.. etc. Outside of his idiotic abusive behaviour, it was honestly the BEST decision i ever made.

We get on ok now, i'm still wary of him, i'm still his verbal punchbag if something else upsets him.. he'll pick a fight with me, but i just ignore him now, thats who he is, he's pushed friends/family alike away.. but we co parent well enough.

I now have a social life, the best friends i've ever had, and i'm the happiest i've ever been. (mh issues aside from being in an abusive marriage for so long, but i'm working through those with help)

So.. i guess my message is, if you're still hesitating, still wavering.. make the break, do it, find your freedom, its worth the initial stress and upheaval, i promise, don't waste any more of your life on a marriage/relationship that isn't serving you or making you happy.

Catching up with everyone's updates...
@smileyotter I'm really shocked about your H snooping like that. It feels so intrusive. And your friend's reaction doesn't surprise me - I think often those of us who are willing to admit that we are not happy in our marriages are perceived as quite a threat by people not wanting to admit to the same thing themselves. I said something up thread about realising that it is not up to me to uphold anyone's rose-tinted view of marriage but I sometimes have trouble believing that myself.

@freeatlast2021 thank you for your ongoing encouragement. I hadn't realised your own separation was so recent; you sound as though you have many years of wisdom behind you! I suppose many of us turn these things over in our minds for a long time before taking any action.

I'm continuing to potter along in amicable limbo-land, which makes me thing of that book title, something like "Too good to leave, too bad to stay."

I’m also still pottering along in amicable limbo, becoming more and more irritated by little things that really shouldn’t be an issue, and were probably always there but I’m noticing more and more now. I feel like such a horrible person for being so snappy about ridiculous things! But I’m too scared to do anything about it because I don’t think I’m ready to deal with the consequences. My dad still thinks H is the best person in the world and it’s so soon after my mum died that I’m not sure how he would take it for a start, H will be devastated and I have no idea how my kids will react. I’ve just been invited away for a few days with a male friend and I’m so tempted to go. There’s nothing going on there - we’re genuinely just good friends! He knows my situation though and thinks I need a break away. He’s going anyway and has invited me along too. I really do want to go but now I’m worried about how it will look to other people. And to H! But maybe I worry too much about what other people think and I should just go and enjoy a few days away!

I just wish I could see a few months or a year into the future to see how everything pans out, then I might have more confidence in what I’m doing. Silly really isn’t it!!

Big hugs to you all xx

Well.... I'm absolutely broken.

Met up with H today - all pretty light hearted and amicable.
Till he lets loose that while I was moving boxes and crying my eyes out. He had got into bed with a 20 year old student no more than 12 hours later.

All my feelings for him has gone out the window. At least when we finally divorce I can do him for adultery to make my life easier.

@OneGlamMama OMG what an asshole. I am so sorry this happened, but this only tells you that you are doing the right thing. The first couple of weeks after I told my ex that I want us to separate I saw a Tinder notification on his phone. He told the kids that he is not looking for a new partner but I do not believe it for a second.

Hang in there. Pretty soon you will be free and will start feeling much, much better.

@freeatlast2021 thank you so much

I ended up in a right state of a panic attack last night as just feel so overwhelmed with every emotion. But definitely know I'm doing the right thing now after I've pondered all week that we could do therapy or something. I literally just can't believe he could do that... no going back now.

How is everyone else doing? Xxx

Oh goodness @OneGlamMama! That sounds awful. But at least it reinforces that you are doing the right thing. So sorry you have to deal with that though. Be strong! Next chapter awaits and I’m sure it’s going to be fabulous!

@OneGlamMama that's horrible, I'm so sorry. I left yesterday because I realised the controlling behaviour would never stop. I'm now at my mum's with my little one. We're heading back tomorrow so she can see her Dad. He's a great Dad and i don't want their relationship to suffer. To be honest I dont feel a great deal as I've already grieved for our relationship. Just trying to look to the future. All the best to all of you. X

That is awful @OneGlamMama, but sadly quite predictable it seems for men moving on (albeit maybe not 24hrs - that's quite a record!).

Everything ticking along here - stbxh really really pissed me off last week re contact with the kids as he got annoyed at having to 'drive them around everywhere' 🤨. He made dd1 feel really bad for wanting to see a friend when she's struggled massively with friendships as many teens do. I had to calm down before messaging him......

Had a friend to stay this weekend and then did my tax return this avo . Still need to decide what to do about house refurbishments which came in 100% over that expected 😩

@HoneyDaze your weekend away sounds tricky and can see how it could look especially as you've not had the conversation. If you really think you have decided what the outcome will be you should bite the bullet and not worry yourself about how everyone else will be. They WILL cope, especially if there is frankness and honesty and no blame. Good luck 💐