I am reading your posts and finding one word keeps repeating, “selfish”. How about we switch that awful word with word “self-care”. Because, selfish is a person that does not care about others. If you think that taking care of yourself, caring about your needs and wants, being true to your self is wrong because this may hurt other people, then you are not selfish, quite contrary, you seem like a very selfless person. Do you get me? Selfish person does not care about others, but you seem to, in fact you care about others more then you care about yourself.
Also, you need to stop looking at divorce in terms of a disaster. The terms, “upside down”, “uprooting”, “devastating”, keep being repeated as well. Sure, for some people it does feel like all this, but it does not have to be. Some people stay together forever, sure, some are happy, some are miserable but they stay together. Some people separate after certain time. Like everything else in life, relationships are different because we are different, and our circumstances are different. Look at it this way, you gave it a go, spent some time with your husband, built a life, perhaps raised a kid or two. It worked for a while, but it does not anymore. The relationship has run its course and you feel it is time for you to continue on without your husband, alone or perhaps with another partner. It does not mean that your relationship is a “failure”, it does not mean that you “wasted” all these years of your life with this man. It only means that your life is changing and you are continuing on alone. Everything in life changes, why do we think that a marriage is one thing that should not?
Also, I strongly believe, and I know that many people agree, kids pick up on your emotions. If you think what you are doing is “horrible”, “selfish” and a “disaster”, this is how they will look at it too. If you look guilty and devastated in the process, this is what they will feel. If you look and feel guilty and horrible in front of your kids and tell them you are sorry for “ruining” their life, they will feel like their life is being “ruined” and it is all your fault. You are their mother, they should believe you. But if you tell them (even if you do not believe in it yourself, not yet anyway), that mom and dad love them very, very much but have decided to separate and will not be living in the same household, this is how they will see it, a change that they have to adjust to, sure, but not “end of the world” situation. Life will go on. Sure as we are different so are our kids, some will take it better then the others, but most important in all this is that you stay strong and sure of yourself, you show them that you are happy and content and that all will be well.
I hope this helps. Stay strong and keep posting.