AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@ JoinedJustForThisThread Well said, really well.

I’m really struggling with the fact that we get on well. He hasn’t ever been abusive, controlling, nothing like that. We have this family together. BUT we are more like mates, good friends that laugh about the sesame things….but ones that don’t do anything together. This has been the case for years and years. I would always make excuses for him.
We make no plans together…..I’ve always been the one to come up with stuff to do, places to go on holiday, days out with the kids etc. Looking back over our 24 years together I realise it has always been me.

He’s never been a cuddler, a kisser, a hand holder, an emotionally open person. No intimacy, apart from occasional sex.

He is my first proper relationship in life, my first love. I have always told myself to settle for it and come to terms with it, but I cried in the car last night when I said out loud “I’ve never been cuddled”. I’m 42. I can’t spend the rest of my life like that.

This is so hard. I almost wish he hated me, that he had found someone else. He says he loves me.
Feels like hell.

Just had another early hours talk after he found me on the sofa, unable to sleep.
Feels final now, after talking.
He is completely devastated.
I feel heartbroken. But also relieved.
Feel like I’m going mad. Is this normal?

@Lovelybunchofwhatnots I could have written what you posted about getting on well, word for word. And my husband is quite physically affectionate, so I cannot even complain about the lack of cuddles. But that deeper connection isn't there, I'm not sure whether it ever was.

These things seems vague and woolly when you stack them up against a companionable enough relationship, a nice home, stable finances, a secure family unit. But still there is the pull, still there is the part of me that curls up and withers at the thought of spending the rest of my life like this. I've squashed that part down for years and it sounds like you have, too.

No, you are not going mad. Normal? I've no idea; does it matter? But certainly not alone. You've taken the brave, risky option by telling him how you are feeling, and in that respect you are an inspiration to me (and probably to a number of others on this thread).

Be gentle with yourself. The fact that it hurts doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to have done, but it does mean that you need to take extra care of yourself.

@Lovelybunchofwhatnots I could also have written the exact same about H but, like @JoinedJustForThisThread after 16 years I'm not feeling the connection anymore. He's struggling with lack of intimacy after only a month and last night kind of blew up into an argument. This morning we argued and I've since asked if we need a break. This was before I read your post and, since reading how brave you've been and how much I can relate to your situation, I know I have to do it.

I don't think there is a 'normal' way to feel. I feel like I'm Going crazy at the minute. His reply to my break question was 'I feel like we already are. For me it would be worse but if that's how you are feeling then I'll respect that if it will help you'. I don't even know what to say 😢

@smileyotter how are you doing?

How's everyone else this morning?

I just keep bursting into tears. Emotions all over the place. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing by me and by my son... but I've been so unhappy for so long.

We don't have much of a relationship as I never see him due to him working nights 6 nights a week. We never do anything as a family. He just works, sleeps, eats and repeats. Whereas I'm doing EVERYTHING else. Working full time compressed into 4 days, cleaning, cooking, making sure finances are in order for bills, trying to take care of myself, making sure our son is happy and being taken care of with childcare arrangements with my parents etc etc

Due to have the talk and move out to my parents on Saturday morning...

Handhold please

@OneGlamMama sending you lots of love and support from over here you can't maintain that, you have to make you a priority in order to be happy and in the best place. It's really hard.. but keep posting. We're all here for you xxx

@Lovelybunchofwhatnots it's absolutely normal - it feels like the world has moved on it's axis but you can slowly bring that back and regain that clarity that it is the right thing to do. Well done to you - it's a massive step and but Stay strong and stay true to yourself 

@OneGlamMama you've proved you can do it all so single parenthood will be far less of an unknown. Really hope the talk is ok and he's ok about you going to your parents

@lemonmeringue85 well done on raising the what happens next/break conversation. It's so damn hard when they are utterly decent about it 😣

I got my new bedside tables delivered today so am nearly there with my little sanctuary. I hope this isn't insensitive and can help you guys picture some of that future 🤞

@SummerSazz OMG, I do not know what it is about bedrooms but I did exactly the same. Mind you, ours really looked so bad, so basic, I do not know how we ever slept in it let alone had sex. First thing I did when my stbx moved out was redecorate the bedroom. I did not change the bed or mattress as I really like it but I bought three new bed sheets, put a curtain rod and brand new curtains, bought a carpet, some wall art, new bed lamps making sure it all matches in style and colour, added essential oil diffuser that I put on every night etc. Every time I come into the bedroom I am in awe, cannot believe it that is my bedroom. It is so beautiful, and tranquil. Like you say, true sanctuary. I would love to put a photo on as well but perhaps that would be too much. Anyway, dear women, we love you, and support you and you can do it. You will, I know you will and you deserve it. Just keep dreaming.

I've had a couple of days of feeling like things aren't really that bad, we potter along together well enough, why would I risk the stability of our home and family for - well, what exactly?

Do other people get this? I've not had a full frank conversation with my husband yet. When I'm in this sort of mood, there's a feeling that maybe I don't have to have that conversation, maybe I'm dramatising things, maybe it's ok to keep going as we are.

It's so confusing. Nothing irrevocable has happened between us (yet). It's like being balanced on a very very thin knife edge all the time. I'm so exhausted.

Evening everyone, just catching up on posts and it’s lovely to read people are moving forwards, I’m in awe of you all!

Things are not so great here. Not just the situation with H, but my oldest is leaving for uni next week. Although I am really excited for him, I am also devastated. It’s affecting me much worse than I though it would. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, which I manage, but the rare moments I am by myself (usually driving around for work) I just cant stop crying. I’m not a overly emotional person normally. I’m sure if I was feeling more stable generally I could handle it better and be a bit more resilient. I just feel completely lost. It’s ridiculous really as I have 2 younger children at home so it’s not like it’s empty nest syndrome or anything!
Anyway, I’m doing absolutely everything I can to stay positive, and also build up to telling H that it’s over. We are in reality, it’s just putting the label on it. That’s the irony really, if we separate and continue to live together for a while, very little will actually change. But I need this weight off my shoulders.

Hi all, it's great to read all these posts and take little bits of strength / advice from them. It's an emotional roller-coaster here!! Eldest sons graduation last weekend, which was so good, especially as he actually finished in 2020!!! Then very sad talks with dh Sunday, he's devastated but another talk is another step forwards. He had been looking at rentals on line, although not told me that.
@Yellowswan my youngest goes to uni on Friday!! The empty nest is real!! Crying on the way to work is something I am familiar with!. Part of me devastated, although very excited for him, and part of me thinking this will be the start of me being me, on my own. Scary but the only real way forwards for us borh.
I'm trying hard to be more chatty and communicative in the hope it will make it easier in the long run. Time will tell but I think dh realises it is over and no matter how sad the way forwards is not together. Stupid things like Xmas feel really hard especially as last Xmas was messed up by covid Hope everyone is doing OK. X

@JoinedJustForThisThread I am feeling this exactly right now. I'm on around T minus 12 hours before we have the conversation and I leave the house for good...

I know it's for the best but... I'm almost hesitating. Is it because of the change to not only my life but for our son? Am I being selfish that just because I'm not happy, I'm ruining everything?

I feel lost tonight.

Good luck 💐 @OneGlamMama

Thank you @Weenurse

Definitely going to need it. I can barely sleep and feel so sick!

@OneGlamMama hope you're ok and your conversation has gone ok.

@smileyotter it's good to hear this. No further developments really from my end. I told him I thought we needed a break but I think he's choosing to ignore that happened. He's been very tactile last few days and acting like everything's normal. I woke up this morning to him cuddling me and cupping my boob for crying out loud, I don't know how to deal with it when he knows I don't want that. I've had a rough week at work this week and just want the stress of bedtime and niceties to go away for a night so I'm staying at my sisters tonight.

I feel stuck.

@lemonmeringue85 that sounds truly awful. It’s almost like he’s violating you, I don’t know whether that’s too strong but that what it puts me in mind if when I read your posts. He knows you’re not happy and don’t want any intimacy so it’s really shitty that he thinks he can just do that. I’m glad for you that you have somewhere to go tonight for some time away xx

Oh goodness @lemonmeringue85. I read your posts and it’s like I’ve written them myself. I also wake up to fine him hugging me and trying to grab a boob. I literally swat him away like a massive fly! And he either doesn’t get the hint and tries again or he pouts his bottom lip and huffs for a bit. Until about 5 minutes later when he tries it on again. Honestly, I really don’t understand how he thinks things are normal? But I can’t bring myself to have the conversation for a 4th time as I know I’ll need to be really final about it for the message to get through, and I’m so worried about the effect on the kids, him, our families etc. Maybe I’m just a horrible person and I’d be miserable whether I was with him or not? Urgh. I’m so happy for those who are moving forward, even though I’m sure it feels shitty at the time. I just can’t imagine ever getting to that point!

I cannot state enough how utterly lifesaving all your posts have been to me the past few months. I'm only at the start of this journey and still unsure if I will actually be able to have 'the conversation'. Knowing there is no judgment and never ending support here is immense. I feel stuck & at times confused. Might not know what I actually want, but know what I don't want; this marriage for the next 20 years. Have young son so not the easy decision to reach as he adores his Dad. I'm gaining strength from you all. Thank you so very much

@lemonmeringue85, @HoneyDaze There is something about men and sex that is a mystery to me. For me, sex is not just physical, it is a synergy of mental, emotional and physical. To have sex I have to be at peace, have to be relaxed and happy. In other words, if I am angry with my husband, or kids or worry about something, or tired, I cannot even think of sex, let alone perform it. For them, it seems to be quite the opposite. Sex IS what soothes them, what relaxes them and as long as they have it they are at peace with the life they are living; they are content, they think all is well. So by initiating it they not only long to be soothed out of their worry but they also think if you do engage with them that all must be well and they can get on with their life.

This is a mistake I made as I was engaging in sex for years without really wanting to, just to keep a peace in the house, to prevent him from sulking, to avoid silent treatment he would give me if we did not have sex for a while. All the while I was deeply unhappy and thought our marriage was in crises. It was too late when I realized that my husband thought all is well since we manage to have sex every now and then. When I started therapy last year, I stopped having sex as I though it would confuse me and would not help in making my decision about what to do whit my marriage. My husband, however, freaked out. A month or so later he approached me asking how much longer should he wait? It was funny to me that he was asking this. I mean, I was acting completely normal with him, just no intimacy, but he said I put him in "prison" and he cannot "wait" any longer. Wait for what I wonder? (of course he meant not having sex)

Now this is a bit of a digression, but men also have no patience when it comes to fixing things. Some of them think that a conversation should fix everything. Lets talk about this...we talk..so are we all cured now? Can we have sex now? I know this may sound oversimplified and makes guys look too shallow but I really think this is the case, at least for some of them. So if you want to end your relationship you should not be giving in. I know that some people simply not have sex, sleep in different rooms etc, but I do not think this is sustainable or fair solution for anybody involved. We all deserve to be happy and content.

If you are not happy you should do all you can to break free of your relationship, no matter how much it hurts. It is for the best for all involved, you, your husband and your kids. Trust me.

Stay strong my friends.

Thank you @freeatlast2021. You really do give lovely advice x

@HoneyDaze he makes me feel so bad for not doing anything. He doesn't even need to be angry or say anything specifically, it's his mood and what's unsaid that is the issue. I've spent the last 6 or 7 weeks feeling so guilty for there being no intimacy, it's really starting to affect my mental health.

I'm tired of the same conversation about where we're heading and not feeling like I'm getting anywhere. It gets 'forgotten', he carries on a a normal and then we revisit it when the tensions too much again. I can't do it anymore. I just can't find the words.

I long to be where @freeatlast2021 @smileyotter @SummerSazz are right now, all on their own different journeys.

I just need the courage but I know it will break his heart.