AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Undecidedandtorn sounds like a great plan! 👌

Sorry to hear you've had a tough day @Undecidedandtorn Hopefully this evening will be better - beans on toast and vodka with a friend sounds perfect

I am back at work today after nearly two weeks off and it is such a relief - so much less stressful!

I have to send a message to the guy I had the sex dream about and I keep putting it off. I am so ridiculous 😂

@Undecidedandtorn sounds like a bloody good plan to me! How did the video call go with your children? Hope you're feeling a little better this evening.

@crazyotter how are you feeling after your counselling session yesterday? Hope it helped. I had mine today after weeks off due to her being on holiday and it's definitely made a difference. Hope you're ok and have that extra confidence you wished for xx

My kids are back to school this week, not while Wednesday mind! So we're having a family day out tomorrow to a theme park. If it's as frosty as the last one then I'm in for a treat of a day 🙄

Sending positive vibes to everyone, wherever you are in your journey xx

Oh my god work related!! 😂

Definitely did not mention the sex dream. I was very professional

I hope you had a nice night @Undecidedandtorn. I decided to try and be a bit healthier so had a couple of alcohol free G&T's after a pig of a day. Now I have a steaming headache 🤨. real bloody Mary's sound like a much better idea!

Glad to hear your counselling session was v positive @lemonmeringue85 and you too @crazyotter. I absolutely love your spur of the moment yoga/swim - I love impulsive things but sadly haven't had many recently.

@BriannaDannaDingDong 🤣 re your work colleague message - I have to say I did read it twice!!

Oh wow @crazyotter spontaneous beach yoga sounds amazing!! Hope everyone is ok. Sorry to those who are struggling today. Sending love ❤️

After a decade+ of lurking on mumsnet, I've joined just for this thread. That feels sad but it's also a huge relief to know I'm not alone.

I've been together with DH 23 years, two DDs aged 11&12, and no obvious things to complain about other than the small matter of feeling dead inside when I contemplate another 30 years of this marriage.

He's kind, dependable and we're generally seen by friends and family as the rock-solid couple of the social network. But I haven't felt any emotional connection for such a long time, and even when it used to be there, it was always up to me to nurture it. One day I ran out of energy to keep reaching out, keep drawing him in. The irony is that now he is the one reaching out to me but it feels too late.

I've attempted one or two conversations. But it's like they never happened. He has said that he will always be by my side and can wait for as long as it takes, "it" being some sort of magical return to having sex and feeling emotionally connected. I know many people will tell me how very lucky I am to have such a committed partner but under the circumstances "I will stand by you no matter what" just feels suffocating.

I can hardly begin to contemplate any implications of acting on these feelings, especially the impact on my daughters who recognise his emotional unavailability but adore him for the kind, practical, loving father that he is.

We're going for our first couples therapy session on Thursday morning and my main hope is to be able to tell him even a fraction of how I'm feeling. I'm terrified.

It has meant so much to follow all of your stories on this thread, both the people who are further down this road and the people who are navigating its twists and turns. I have felt so much less alone and been doubting my sanity less. I hope that sharing my experience might help others in the same way. I also feel like I know you by now, and it seems rude to keep reading without introducing myself!

That's quite a long first post. Thank you for reading.

@JoinedJustForThisThread Welcome to our little club. Your post is so sweet, it gave me goose bumps. I am glad that you decided to join, it actually really helps to write about this. I can relate to most of what you are saying, except that I could never call my stbx "sweet". He too is emotionally unavailable, but is also quite selfish, controlling and can be rude to people. We also appeared like a solid couple, to others, but no one really knows what happens in families behind closed doors, end especially what happens inside of each of us.

Please keep posting, keep joining our conversation. Even though this is all "virtual" it still feels like real support to me. It definitely helped me through the last few months and I keep coming back for more.

Welcome @JoinedJustForThisThread, I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you joined us. We are also seen by everyone as a rock-solid couple, perfect match, unshakeable relationship and so on. It just makes it harder from my point of view - it's silly but I feel like I am letting all these people down.

H had a particularly long day at work today. He left the house at 6.30 and wasn't back till after 7. It was so nice! I had a really lovely relaxed time with the children before and after school, ate dinner without him griping at them constantly about their table manners, had some interesting chats. I also had time to myself during the day. I was working, but it doesn't feel stressful when there's no one else here.

One of the things that's on my mind a lot about the separation is that H's family live overseas. Which means he will be taking the children out of the country to visit them without me. The thought of it actually makes me want to be sick. I don't know if I could cope with several weeks of them in another country (Europe, so not even that far away or inaccessible in an emergency). I suppose I will just have to get used to it

Hello @JoinedJustForThisThread 👋. I’m so glad you have found some comfort here. I can relate to most of your post! I feel the same, especially the ‘I’ll stand by you’ thing just feeling suffocating. My H knows how I feel, we’ve had the conversation, and I could not be any clearer in terms of my actions. I can’t bear him to so much a brush past me, let alone any kind of holding hands, kissing etc. It sounds awful but it makes me physically recoil just thinking about it. Crazy that he still thinks this is salvageable and I’ll suddenly feel differently 🤷‍♀️
Anyway, keep posting and let us know how the therapy goes. I know it’s terrifying, but I’m sure you’re stronger than you know xx

So glad you found us @JoinedJustForThisThread but sorry you are feeling the same way. Keep posting - I spent a while lurking before joining in and it’s helped me so much x

I stumbled on this poem online and thought I’d share as it really resonated with me. Especially the bit about friends’ reactions as from the outside people would think we’re so good together. And although so much annoys me, it’s not the kind of things you’d normally see as a good enough reason to leave if you know what I mean!

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

@HoneyDaze
Exactly right. This is what my therapist told me and one of the posters here on MN quoted hers as well. You do not have to be looking for reasons/excuses (this is what I was doing in the beginning of my therapy, trying so hard to justify my wanting to leave), the fact that you want to leave is good enough.

Because, that is what matters, that you do not want to stay in that relationship anymore. It may be due to abuse or neglect or you simply drifted apart, but the bottom line is you cannot see yourself growing old with this person, and that is that. And it is not the end of the world actually, it is part of life. You lived and worked together and built this life, perhaps raised a family together, and now you want to continue the journey on your own.

Thank you for that poem @HoneyDaze. It made me think.

There's a quote (Anais Nin I think) that has been going round and round in my head for weeks. Some of you might relate to it as well:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

Oh that's so lovely @BriannaDannaDingDong and @HoneyDaze too. Sometimes stepping back to see the bigger picture is fundamental otherwise we're scrabbling in the details of what to do,, what to say, who not to upset.....

@freeatlast2021: Because, that is what matters, that you do not want to stay in that relationship anymore. It may be due to abuse or neglect or you simply drifted apart, but the bottom line is you cannot see yourself growing old with this person, and that is that. And it is not the end of the world actually, it is part of life. You lived and worked together and built this life, perhaps raised a family together, and now you want to continue the journey on your own.

Your words resonated so much with me. I've always seen it that we'd been going along the same road together for 18 years with some great life experiences, fantastic DC but we got to a fork in the road and needed to go separate ways with different hopes/wants/needs. I'm trying to celebrate the last 18 years and have no regrets (well maybe there are one or two!) and see taking a different fork as a positive thing.

@JoinedJustForThisThread welcome and glad to hear you've had some comfort knowing you're not alone. On my MN antenatal thread we had someone join after months of reading before she bit the bullet to just jump in. She's still a good friend 12 years on!!

@BriannaDannaDingDong in relation to your DH taking the DC to visit family, I'm sure this could be built up to, so a few days for the first time and then up to a week over time. This could presumably be built in to your DC's arrangements and they may well have a day too depending on their ages. He/his family wouldn't do anything silly in relation to the DCs such as trying to have them stay in their country would they? You hear horrid stories but hopefully they are reasonable people.

I don't think so @SummerSazz. Although it is obviously what runs through my anxiety-prone mind at 2am when I can't sleep! I get on very well with mil and bil (fil a bit less so but that's another story) and they're both lovely and very sensible, so even if H was gripped with a sudden madness and tried to, I highly doubt they would let it happen. I really don't think he would even consider it though. No matter how angry he was with me he would never do that to the children. I trust him in that regard.

Thank you for such a kind welcome, everyone. Didn't realise how much I needed that until it brought tears to my eyes. It's also quite strange - I've been following your ups and downs for so many weeks now that joining in with the conversation is a bit like meeting my celebrity heroes in person!

(Sorry that's a bit gushy...)

HoneyDaze that poem articulated something that I've been trying to put my finger on for so lone. That feeling that I have to make this work because there is nothing obviously wrong as such, I do feel a lot of affection for DH etc etc etc. Why do I need a poem by someone I don't know to tell me my feelings are valid?!

I find comfort in seeing a bigger picture: Most of the marriages described by the people on this thread have lasted as long as marriages, for most of the history of marriage, could be expected to last. We simply wouldn't have lived long enough to expect to be with one person for decades and decades. So I tell myself that it's not that there's anything wrong with me, or even with my marriage - this is a problem with the concept of marriage full stop.

Almost as though it has a use by date. When I was 21 I really, really wanted the stability of a longterm relationship, children and all of that. I fell in love with DH for his steadiness and have always described him as my Rock. But I have grown and changed over the last two and a half decades. DH has not. This does not make either of us bad or wrong, it's just that we have outgrown this marriage.

It helps to state it this clearly to a bunch of people I have never met. Whether I will have the courage to state it this clearly to the one person who really needs to hear it remains to be seen.

And the sex/physical contact thing.

Isn't it amazing how our bodies express what our minds are scared of owning?

After years of maintenance sex, trying-to-keep-an-emotional-connection-going sex, sex-is-part-of-marriage sex, one day my body just decided for me. I had ignored myself crying after sex for quite a long time before this. Had told myself that the sex itself was good sex, glossing over the fact that it was mostly my body that was having sex with my DH, my head was often having sex with someone completely different. And then one day it felt like I just couldn't keep up the pretence anymore.

Now that has extended to all physical contact. I SO get it when people talk about recoiling. It feels terribly unfair of me, but again it's the body's truth - his smell, the way he breathes, those long sad looks - it's all pushing me away.

I promise I won't keep up this level of outpouring. It is just such a relief to write the things that I have been brewing in my head for so long while reading this thread.

I went for a massage today. Not something I would usually EVER do.
It was quite painful while it was going on, and also a relief.
The massage therapist said that I would probably feel tender for a couple of days and then things would ease up a bit.
She added that I should book a follow-up and to continue to hold this space for myself.

This is basically how I'm hoping that couples therapy will go!

@JoinedJustForThisThread omg I completely get what you are saying about the sex/physical contact thing. Exactly the same happened to me. Quite a few years of feeling like I had to make myself do it, I think someone else on here talked about the relief afterwards thinking that you won’t have to do it again for a while! And all of a sudden I just could not do it anymore, my body just would not let me. Again like others have said, I thought it was me, but now I know it’s not.

I feel like talking again to my H about separation is on the tip of my tongue, but so hard to find the right time to say it. I know eventually he will accept it and will be amicable, but I’m worried about how he will react in the moment, because I know I will have to be clear things are over. So how do I find a time when we’re not working/ kids not around? I also hate being around him when the kids aren’t here, it makes me so uncomfortable. I know I have to bite the bullet!!!

Hope everyone has had a positive day xx

@Yellowswan I could have written your last post. Word for word.

I can't tell you how wonderful it's been talking to all of you about this. For years I have been feeling like there was something wrong with me. I feel so much less alone now.