AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

The very last thought I had before I told my stbx/ex that it is over was us having sex, that was the last push that gave me courage. I thought to myself, "no, I cannot do that any more". Because I knew that if we stayed together, if I decided to prolong it more, he would expect us to be intimate and the very though of it was killing me. I had "made" myself do it for years to avoid conflict, sulking and silent treatment.

@Yellowswan are you me??

I stopped any intimacy about a month ago now. It's the longest we've gone apart from my last pregnancy when I had complications. It's difficult to keep avoiding it but I have really stuck to my guns this time, whereas before I would just do it to avoid a confrontation or an atmosphere. But like you, my body will just not let me. The atmosphere between us is awful, I also hate being alone with him when the kids aren't here. He's took the day off today as the kids started their new schools and he's been hovering around me whenever I've been in. I told him I had already made plans throughout the day before I knew he'd be off so I managed to go out with a friend and take a trip to the supermarket which filled some time!
It's right on my lips, saying what I so badly want to say but it's like I'm mute or something. The words will just not come out.
I've only recently started to realise he's quite a controlling person and my therapist has brought me to realise that a lot of the language he uses in arguments or disagreements is very emotive and basically psychologically abusive without me even realising. This makes me scared of his reaction to the decision to separate, as if I couldn't see the controlling side before, then what else have I not seen?

He told me Monday morning in bed he 'was struggling'. He meant sexually. And went on to compare me to a Chinese being dangled in front of him when he'd not eaten for days.... a fucking Chinese! Of course, I told him he'd better order an Indian then as Chinese was now off the menu  he is sulking like a child. Yet not once asked me WHY I am like this.

I need out and I have no idea what to say to him.

@JoinedJustForThisThread I am so glad you have joined this thread. Get out of it what you need to, rant away, write posts as long and shouty as you like because we're all here to listen and support and it's been a bloody godsend for me!!!

Love to you all xxx

@JoinedJustForThisThread yes, outpour all the heavy crap you've been carrying around and hopefully you will feel lighter for it

@Yellowswan did you really say 'he'd better order an Indian then as Chinese was now off the menu'? If so, you're a legend! I would think of such a great response 3 days afterwards 🤨. It is an awful comparison and you must have been raging but your response was absolutely perfect. I think the next conversation is that the local Chinese is relocating to a new premises.... if he likes such analogies then use them to your advantage!

I can't even recall when or how we had the first conversation although I know that sexual ick moment was in Venice (ironic for a city of romantic gondola trips and intimate restaurants eh?). That was May 2018 and we separated in sept 2019. We talked a lot out in the garden over a drink with the dc indoors so I think it was late summer 2019 after my mum died for a month or so. I think her passing away gave me the push to do it as life is for living, plus I wouldn't upset her/bring disgrace which I think she would have felt acutely. Given we'd had such a long 'dry' spell sexually I think I just said 'it's not working' and we went from there. Bite that bullet ladies if you are at that point!

Oops sorry was @lemonmeringue85. It's late!

To confirm, I did use that response. I think I may carry the analogy on into separation as @SummerSazz suggested.. maybe the Chinese will close completely, building torn down and he'll ultimately have to look elsewhere to satisfy his cravings..

It's the sulking I'm finding irritating. He's like a 5 year old child.

Or how about "The restaurant will be strictly self-service from now on"

@BriannaDannaDingDong @crazyotter you absolute legends hahaha!!! I'm am so using these!!! The self service one made me howl!!

Hello,

I was very kindly directed here by @crazyotter

I've read through most of the thread and lots of your stories/circumstances resonate with me so much.

I feel completely stuck in a marriage I do not want to be in. We have 3 DC and I feel if I end my marriage I'll never be able to give them the life they have now.

But I am so ready to walk, reading all of these posts has made me realise this even more.

The sex thing is a huge issue. I spend my life thinking of excuses and ways around it and when I have had to do it, it has been such an ordeal (for no other reason than the 'ick' factor)

Today I've worked the finances out completely as I feel almost ready to make the move. It'll be difficult and I won't have much spare but hopefully my career will flourish quickly. How do you actually take the first step? I've drunkenly tried twice before but he just wouldn't take it and because I was drunk, I kind of just left it.

Also, DS2 is in his GCSE year - is it selfish of me to do it this year?

Thanks for such a supportive thread.

@brightorbleakfuture welcome to the dark side haha. I'm glad you've found some support and reassurance on here, it's helped really validate how I'd been feeling and when I started this thread I had no idea just how popular it was going to be. You sound about where I am currently. Telling him is on the tip of my tongue but I'm not sure how.. I have a daughter who's just started high school and is finding the changes quite overwhelming and currently at the beginning of the process of being assessed for ASD. So, like you, I wonder if it's selfish of me to put this extra crap on her at an already stressful time for her.

But then I read these messages and realise it's not selfish. It's took me months to realise it, and believe that it would actually be better in the long run. I'd be happier, the kids would be happier and they wouldn't be in a household where there's obvious tension as much as i try for there not to be.

Tonight the H asked if we could talk. We've sat for two hours getting everything out and the only thing I've not been able to say is 'i want a break'. It just will not come out and I don't know what it will take for that to happen. I don't know what I'm scared of! I rang my mortgage advisor today to discuss options around buying him out and affordability etc which was positive so I know, financially, the kids and I would be ok. It's just taking that big leap of faith... and I've never been that good at those.

I've only just joined as well, brightorbleakfuture - welcome!

We had our first session of couples counselling yesterday, which I have instigated precisely because of not being able to tell DH straight out that I cannot go on. I think I said about 1% of what I actually feel. He told the counsellor how he loves me for being bright and bubbly and the kindest person he knows. I told her that I fell in love with his steady, gentle, reliable nature. I struggle to get my head around the fact that these things are true AND I still want to leave.

Individual sessions with the counsellor next. I'm wondering how I will get everything out in an hour, and also what on earth happens after that.

Out of the blue a couple of days ago my younger DD (11) cuddled up to me and asked me exactly how childcare would work if DH and I split up. I tried to be reassuring without outright lying. I asked her why she had brought this up - DH and I never, ever argue and are perfectly amicable. She said that she'd just been thinking about it and that I do complain about him snoring. She was very clear that she wanted us to be together.

So much for the illusion that everything is fine for the children and that they'll be fine if we separate.

In this context, I've been thinking about what staying in this marriage would look like. There's a lot in favour of that option, particularly my children's and husband's happiness and our finances. I wrote the inverse of the poem you posted, Honeydaze, as a sort of thought exercise, to see what my mind would come up with if I thought about staying rather than going:

Stay, even though it dims your soul a little more each day.
Stay, even though you have to make yourself smaller.
Stay, even though you question what this teaches your daughters.
Stay, even though the dream of your own space is so strong you can taste it.
Stay, even though you once said you'd go.
Stay, even though this resentment could turn into hatred with time.
Stay, because duty and loyalty and promises are important.
Because protecting the people you love matters.

Quite helpful to get that out, a reminder that there isn't a "good" and a "bad" choice.

DH sees any hint of separation as total failure. I wish we could come to an understanding of our marriage as a great success that lasted for over 2 decades and did what we needed it to do, and now it's time to move on.

And here ends my outpouring of the day!

I like your outpourings @JoinedJustForThisThread. They clearly come from the heart and always give me a lot to think about. Also, you write really well!

I am having some major wobbles the last couple of days, all around the children and the effect that a separation could have on them. We had planned to move next year, partly in order to be able to send DS1 to a high school that will meet his needs properly. Neither of us would be able to afford a decent house in the 'right' catchment locally alone (large city with pockets of completely ridiculous house prices). There are smaller towns with very decent schools nearby which would be affordable, but I don't think I could face leaving my friends to do that. I have the most fantastic support network here and I know I'm going to need all the support I can muster.

On the other hand, I was speaking to a friend recently (not about me, he doesn't know I'm thinking of leaving), and he told me about his experience of being the 'glue' in his parent's marriage, and how badly it had screwed him up. I would never want my children to feel that way.

This is just so hard.

One week until my weekend away though. I can't wait!

@lemonmeringue85 - I still remember my "'i want a break' moment - it was after another gruelling ,relate session and I just thought "I just can't take this any more".

This has been a tricky week I'm not going to lie. Being away from my kids is super hard. I think today is the hardest as I saw them last on Thursday morning (which feels like an age ago now) and I wont see them until Sunday lunchtime. I wanted to pick the youngest up from afterschool club yesterday but my ex said no as he won't be able to do them same next week so I left it but it feels so odd to be doing it like this.

However next week its just me and the boys! No ex around apart from Wednesday (which is the agreement for both of us because a whole week away from them is too much). I know in a different way that is going to be hard as I am so used to taking it in turns to cook tea, do bedtime ect but it will so lovely to see them every day and not just via video call.

@smilyotter - as a teen I had braces (so some 35 years ago) and still remember having them removed and how good it felt

Ahhh @smileyotter I had braces removed about 3 years ago and I was smiling for weeks, and couldn’t stop running my tongue over my teeth. Wear your retainers though - I kept skipping them and mine teeth have shifted back a tiny bit now.

Another one here with fond memories of braces coming off! Something had gone wrong with the original treatment, so I had them on for a number of years, right until I was halfway through uni. I still vividly remember the joy of smooth teeth. And eating apples all day long.

It's my birthday today and it has been a pleasant and amicable day so far, but that also feels disorienting. DH's birthday is in August and we agreed that our joint birthday present to each other would be to invest in a pizza oven. They're not cheap! How am I buying a pizza oven and also thinking about leaving?

He's doing some DIY in our wreck of a bedroom right now (I am not exaggerating; it is a welcome recent development that we have a ceiling again). Again - it's like splitting myself in two, one part making decisions about flooring for a bedroom that I don't particularly ever want to inhabit, and another part wondering where I would live if we separated.