AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

Thank you @Yellowswan and @lemonmeringue85 for your replies. It certainly helps to know that I'm not alone.

I do have good friends (family not so much - my mum died last year and it's just my dad and my sister who has learning difficulties). I haven't spoken to anyone irl though. I kind of feel like I owe it to H to tell him before I discuss it with anyone else (strangers on the internet obviously don't count!). I have a friend who split with her husband earlier this year in similar circumstances, and I think it would do me good to talk it over with her at some point.

Right now I am mostly feeling very guilty. Every time I look at my children I feel so sick and dizzy I just want the world to disappear. They are so wonderful and I cannot bear the thought that I am about to blow their lives apart. My eldest is autistic as well, which makes it even more complicated.

I am going away for a weekend by myself (three nights in an Airbnb alone!) soon. I think I am going to wait until after that, so I can have some headspace to really think it over.

@BriannaDannaDingDong three nights away alone sounds lovely! Hopefully the time and space away will help.

I have an afternoon completely free of children and H and I honestly don't know what to do first. I recently bought the book suggested by a poster on here 'get divorced, be happy' by Helen Thorn and I have to say, after only one chapter, it's making me feel a whole lot better about the process so may treat myself to a little trip to a coffee shop and continue reading that.

How is everyone doing?

Sorry you’re in the same boat @BriannaDannaDingDong but hopefully posting on here will help and reading all the wonderful advice that people give. It’s been such a huge help to me to have found this and to know I’m not alone. I’m also jealous about the 3 nights away alone - sounds bliss!!
Hope everyone is ok today. Things here are plodding on as weirdly as ever. This morning I asked H what he wanted to do today and he said “you”. Just won’t give it a rest and I’m stunned that he still things it’s going to get him anywhere after 2 years of him not getting anything back from me. I feel a bit sorry for him one minute, then the next I feel so upset that he has such little regard for my feelings that he just dismisses them so easily. Honestly I just don’t know what to say to him anymore!

@HoneyDaze that seems like seriously strange behaviour from your H. I can't imagine where he thinks it's going to get him, and yes, it seems so dismissive of your feelings. My H has stopped attempting anything sexual after I told him bluntly that I didn't want to. Now he just looks at me with sad eyes and sighs.

I am looking forward to going away so much! I know it is ridiculously indulgent, but I got a big pay rise a few months ago and I spent the first months 'extra' on this trip. Subsequent months are being spent on much more mundane things, I promise

How was your afternoon yesterday @lemonmeringue85?

I very much hope you spent it doing things entirely for yourself and nothing for anyone else at all!

@BriannaDannaDingDong it was bloody lovely thankyou. I went out for lunch with friends, had time alone and then finished off with drinks at friends. I just felt so guilty. I knew that I would have to come home to H, no children at home as they were at grandparents, and knew he would be 'hoping' that some sort of sex would happen as it's been a month now. He's clearly upset about the fact it didn't but hasn't said anything to me. He still up there now, I've been up a couple of hours keeping myself busy.

I've been so anxious about the kids staying out because I know he automatically thinks this will lead to a night of passion but I just can't anymore. He looks at me like a hurt puppy but I need to stay strong and not do it just to keep him happy. The tension is unbearable though. I don't know why I can't just tell him how I feel and ask for a break. He still says he doesn't understand why I wouldn't still want him to be satisfied, even if I'm not interested and it's this that is the problem.

How are you feeling today?

Aww that sounds like such a lovely day @lemonmeringue85! Until bedtime obviously. I know exactly what you mean about the guilt and having to stay strong and say no. I quite often think it would just be easier if I just had sex to keep him happy, but part of me just can’t bring myself to (because I don’t want to!) and also I don’t want to give him false hope that everything is ok to then just back off again. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the same.

That does sound lovely @lemonmeringue85 - the daytime part anyway.

I am nodding along with everything you and @HoneyDaze are saying re sex. I got the ick when I was pregnant with DS2 (who is now 7.5y ) and it's never gone away. Every time was had a sex I used to think oh, well thank god he won't bother me for a while now, I can relax for a few weeks. Which is just bloody awful when you think about it.

The thing is, I've been thinking for years that it was my problem, low sex drive etc... but I don't think it is. The other night I woke up after a very ummm... fruity and highly inappropriate dream about a young man I know from work, and I lay there with my heart pounding just praying that H wouldn't notice. A decade ago I'm sure I would have pounced on him. Eventually once I was sure he was asleep I took myself off to the spare room and got back to enjoying my dream by myself

I do have a sex drive. I do feel desire. Just not for him. It's not a me problem, it's an us problem.

Oh god I’m the same with the dreams etc! I also thought it was lack of libido until the sexy dreams kicked in! And I had the same thought about my optician @crazyotter! He was so close to my face looking into my eyes and I had the biggest urge to land a kiss on him 😂

Ha! @crazyotter years ago (before marriage and kids) I had another highly inappropriate crush on my sister's dentist. I used to volunteer to take her to all her appointments (she had some dental issues so had to every month or two). He was so lovely with her (I'm sure she bit him once or twice), and also very easy on the eye. I was quite smitten for a while!

God I would like to have an inappropriate crush again without feeling guilty.

Oh ladies I'm smiling from ear to ear reading these posts! I didn't think sex had been an issue for as long as what it has until I thought about it properly. We've been together 17yrs next month and to be honest I don't think we've ever had great sex.. well I haven't anyway  I remember feeling the exact same way as you @crazyotter when I was pregnant and feeling like I had a excuse!
He asked me to address my low libido and I got blood tests, doctors visits, reduced my anti depressant medication, tried diets to lose weight.. everything. He addressed fuck all. And I realise now it's him that's the issue.
I have a very tasty dentist also, I have no idea what he's saying to me as I don't listen-I just end up lost in his amazing eyes thinking inappropriate thoughts the whole time he's fishing around in my mouth.

@crazyotter I have no idea what's stopping me. I want it done and out in the open but have no idea how to approach it. I'm scared of getting upset, as I always do as soon as I open my mouth to speak the tears start and I don't know how to control that. I'm scared of him shooting me down with something like he often does and me being left stood there not knowing what to say. I used to be scared of the impact it would have on the kids but now I'm more okay with this after speaking to people who have experienced similar and the fact I now realise my happiness is just as important.
And like you say, it's the knowing it will spark a chain of life changing events which I don't think I'll ever be ready for but somehow need to happen. I'm planning on speaking to him again tonight so we'll see how that goes. I just get lost for words
How are things your end?

Oh, dear, I am reading your stories and totally relate. I was with my h for over twenty five years and have three kids together. I lost my interest in sex after our first child and ever since it has been a struggle. When I think about it now, it makes me feel so sad. I am thinking, why did not I pick up my son and left. I can see now that the lack of interest in intimacy has been the sign, all along, that something was wrong with our marriage, but I was not paying attention to it.

It is also sad to see that most of the men only care about sex and think that sex solves all the problems in a marriage. I too "gave myself" to him so many times to keep the peace in the house, because I could not take his sulking. I too remember being happy that I am pregnant because I would have an excuse not to have sex, or welcoming my period, or having had sex (lately I would try to have it once a week) mostly on Fridays and thinking how I can now enjoy my weekend knowing I do not "have to" do it for a week.

But writing all this and reading your stories I feel so sad, sad for me and you and our husbands. This is really not how a relationship should be. If you do not feel like being intimate you should not have to. But also, if you don not feel like being intimate with you partner for a long time, something is wrong with that relationship and should be addressed. Look at it this way, it is not fair to you or your husbands to live like this. Now, I know that they may not see it that way, I know mine does not, but you know it is true.

Stay strong and take care of your beautiful selves.

The groping (or attempted groping) is so hard to deal with @crazyotter. I’ve got no advice as I’m struggling with this too. I woke up this morning to find him putting his arm over me (I had my back to him), and he cupped a boob, then literally just said the word “boob”. No other words - just that. I mean flip me, we’re not in an anatomy lesson here. If he was trying to be sexy that wasn’t going to cut it even if everything was fine! I couldn’t be more obvious - I pull away, move his hands off me etc and say I don’t want him to do it and yet it continues. We don’t have a spare room, although we do have a room I could make into a bedroom at a push. A very small one! Seriously considering it though. I just know that when the conversation comes up again (for the 4th time!) there will be tears and he will be so heartbroken I find it so hard not to backtrack just to make things better ☹️

@crazyotter I 100% get this. Everytime the opportunity has been there to be honest and say I want to separate ive backtracked or said no I don't. What I probably should have said is 'no but I can't carry on living like we are' and see where that gets me.
Hope your counselling goes well and gives you the confidence you need.

It's so tricky isnt it. We havent had sex for approaching 2 years now!!! Hes the opposite to others though and never raised this as an issue. It's a massive issue! Now I dont want to anyway and he wont try, but hes being respectful and saying "just so you know, I want to, but i know you dont so you need to make the first move" the desire has completely gone for me. I hope it comes back but it's been gone so long I dont know if that's possible.

Big steps this week. Our house is on the market and we viewed a smaller house nearby that I could afford on my own if needs be. It's very sad, we love this house and thought it was our forever home. He sees this as the first step to separating and doesnt really want to go but has agreed to proceed if it gives us financial freedom, less stress etc and a fresh start to work on things, more money to enjoy life together but also a back up if not. I've felt sick all week but I know this is the right thing to do, I feel trapped here, knowing we would need to sell if we separate and it's a constant stress. viewings etc. Are going to be tough but I need to do this.

Keep on being strong all.

Evening all you lovely ladies. I feel for you all so much but I promise you that once you've been able to say just something to open the conversation you will feel better and conversations will flow from this. It's hard, really hard and we talked it back and forth for a good couple of months before actually separating.

My stbx kept asking if I wanted a divorce (he's been divorced once and couldn't contemplate it again). He looked broken by that. I said I didn't want it but unfortunately we'd moved too far apart for us to be us again. There were lots of tears on both sides and he blamed me initially. Since then we've moved on so so far. Once he accepted that what I was saying was true and it wasn't a blame game - we'd both changed a lot in 18 years we could then start to rebuild and work out what we could actually do. And separating in an amicable way with the DC as the priority was the only way forward.

Today we met for brunch to discuss a proper childcare split - setting up a 'family' google calendar was a pita but we got there and have the bones of a plan and will both be flexible.

He's quite positive now about getting his house all together and I'm moving forward with my redesign plans so we're in a good place.

I truly hope you can all seize those moments to say out loud that it's not working. And the answer to 'do you want to separate/divorce?' Doesn't have to be a yes or no but used as an opener as @lemonmeringue85 said to say you aren't happy, you feel you've moved on in different ways/changed or whatever helps soften that somehow.

I'm my mind if it's gone it's gone - as horribly sad as it is, there is a new future there for us all xx

It's really good to hear your take on things @SummerSazz, as someone who has moved further down this road. I keep nearly coming out with 'I can't do this any more' and then stopping myself. Partly because it's freaking scary and I'm going to upend everything and hurt people I don't want to hurt, but also because I think when I do say it, it needs to be in a time and place when we can have time to talk calmly, or he can walk out for a while if he needs to. This is a hard thing to find as the children are always here (one night owl and one early riser), and we have no family who can give us a break from them. It will have to be during a school day when neither of us is too overwhelmed with work. I think I've identified a time that will work, but I have also decided that if he asks in the meantime I will tell him the truth.

I have so many scenarios about how this might practically work out whizzing round my head, and I do also need to remember that this will have to be a discussion and a compromise. I want to remain friendly if possible, so that we can function as parents together. Our financial and housing situation is likely to be complicated and I am very aware that I will probably come out of it best (I'm not currently the higher earner, but I'm on a much steeper career trajectory with a lot of potential). We will need to work out something that seems fair for both of us, for the sake of the children if nothing else. I can't imagine that we will do anything other than 50/50 with the kids.

I've been looking around at houses that might be suitable for me and the children (a bedroom each and space for me to wfh) and it looks like it will be possible. That has made me feel more optimistic.

I have this wonderful fantasy about walking into my own house which I don't have to share (apart from with my children ) and closing the door behind me. I'm hanging on to that thought with everything I have.

@BriannaDannaDingDong that sounds really positive with you getting into your own headspace as to what it could be like going forwards. I'm luckily financially independent (parents inheritance and a FT job) which def helped.

With the DC it won't be 50/50 - initially doing EOW and a night in the week but he is doing school runs as he's retired (well supposed to be but has taken on a full on contract role which was meant to be 2 days a week!). My eldest (almost 15) doesn't really want to be away from home so we're moving gently into it.

I hope your chance for a conversation presents itself soon 🙂

I'm really struggling today. Its the first day of the first week of not seeing the kids every day. Even though I have been spending one day a week at the flat for months I would always see them before I went and then the next evening. I have already cried 3 times this morning and me and the 14 yo said last night how much we will miss each other.

I am planning a whatapp video call to the two of them tonight - not sure if that is going to make it worse or better. Reading all of your posts is helpful - it shows me how far I have come but also the path ahead of me as well.

@Undecidedandtorn I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling today. It’s completely understandable and I’m sure one of the reasons that stops a lot of us moving forwards. Sorry if I missed it but how old are your children? I note that one of them is 14. I have a 14 year old that I am very close to, we will no doubt feel exactly the same in that situation.
And yes you’ve definitely come so far, further than I have managed! I guess it’s just having to get used to a new kind of normal. Do you have plans today/this evening? Sounds like you need some distractions and I’m sure it will get easier in time.

Sending love and positive thoughts, keep your chin up, you will get through this and come out the other side better for it xxx

@Undecidedandtorn so sorry to hear you're struggling today. Sending a big hug your way. I agree with @Yellowswan in that it may help to make plans for this evening and keep busy, that it is a new kind of normal we maybe have to get used to. You have come so so far, it's a really difficult process even before separating so be kind to yourself because you've done so well. Allow yourself these hard days to cry and do nothing if you need to, then cry again.
I hope the video call helps you, and them. I think it's a good idea!

You won't feel like this forever. Keep going lovely 💐 xx

Thank you so much for your kind words. This feeling is why it's taken me a whole year to get to this point and I know there will be hard days to come.

The guy I have been seeing fairly casually was meant to be coming round but he's sick so I messaged my friend Meg and she's coming round for beans on toast as we are both broke. The tenant has left a half bottle of vodka and I've brought some bloody Mary mix so a couple of those will be consumed tonight.