AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@SummerSazz, must be very weird but also really positive. It’s great to hear things are moving along and the children (and you!) are adapting in your own way! I’m so pleased for you, and its very comforting to read xx

That must be strange @SummerSazz but also what a step! How lovely to have some time to yourself though. It’s so encouraging to read these positive progress stories - I hope I get there one day!!

@crazyotter

It’s so good to read your progress *@SummerSazz*, it gives me hope! I’m very early on in my journey and had my first counselling session today. Just saying things out loud to someone who’s impartial and won’t make a judgement has made me feel better already. I’ve learnt a lot about myself and it’s helped me see how I’ve ended up in this situation!

Yes, counseling definitely helps. When I started I was a mess. I was just rambling random things for hours, until it started making sense. I too learned a lot about myself and my relationship and ultimately, what I wanted.

I am having a bit of a hard time today. August is busy with birthdays for us. Two of our kids are born in August and as per usual we go for dinner, all together, which we did, on the day of and sometimes later we have a bit of a party at home where i invite my sister and her family. I did the same this year, and invited my ex/or stbx to join, of course. Did not even think to ask him for help with preparations, nor did he offer any , but in the end, just before it was about to start he came over to tell me he is not actuality going to join us, does not feel comfortable, and will instead give a hug and a kiss to the kids. I was a bit disappointed. It is becoming clear to me that from now on I will be doing mostly everything by myself (which is not much different from before actually), but that he will not even join us I think is not ok. Kids did not say anything but I am sure they were disappointed too.

Anyway, I stupidly "promised" him a plate of food, do not ask me why, and since he lives so close I asked the youngest one to take it to him. When she came back she was quiet and I immediately regretted sending her over because, he could have been emotional at that point. Later on I asked her if she was ok and she told me that, as usual, he was a bit annoying when she came. Asking her when if she is coming tomorrow, why not and again, mumbling how nobody is coming. Now I know I keep telling you that my kids are doing ok with what is going on and they do, really, but the youngest one, the only one that is underage, goes to see him most often and is having hard time with that because, instead of praising her for coming and enjoying her company, every single time, he gives her hard time complaining how they are not coming, how he is lonely etc.

So this morning I woke up early, could not sleep. I have been debating weather or not to say something because I do not want him to take it out on her, but he said himself that he did not want to have a schedule when they are meeting, that the kids can come whenever they want. And I knew exactly what will happen. They are not coming regularly and now he is complaining. But he is complaining to the only one that actually does come and does care. I feel so bad for her as she acts like it is her responsibility now to keep him company and stuff which is too much for 16yo. I also feel bad, its like I dumped him and now my 16yo has to take care of him. That is how selfish and self centered he is. Lack of empathy and compassion, OMG. He does not realize how much he is hurting her. Not sure what to do. I feel like going over and slapping his selfish ass face.

@freeatlast2021 sorry to have to deal with this, he sounds depressed and the way he reacts he might end up losing visits from DD too, she might have enough one day...

I am not sure what you can do apart from making sure your DD is ok cause all else will naturally take their course. I dont think it can be fixed, hes a grown man but obviously not seeing the situation as you are.
The way i see it he's responsible for their relationship and you for yours with DD. DD needs to have at least one healthy parent relationship and sounds like thats from you..

@freeatlast2021 {{hugs to you}}, you sound really downtrodden as a result of his fuckwittery. As you say, going forward it may be best to have zero expectation of him and his attendance/help and at least there is less disappointment that way.

Stbx really let dd2 (12) down a few weeks ago (apologies if I've already mentioned this) - he promised to watch the Olympic climbing with her over 3 days and also said she could stay on holiday with a friend and he'd pick her up. He was also supposed to be covering holiday childcare and when we weren't actually away as I am now working ft and he is supposedly retired. Anyway he said he had to work and backtracked on all of these. We'd been watching love island (I know, I know!) and actually it was helpful as we'd discussed how the girls had called a number of the boys out on stuff. Dd2 went full barrel at her dad, said it wasn't good enough, he should prioritise her over (contract) work which he could say no to. I was SO proud of her although shouldn't have been needed in the first place...... 🤨. I also told him he'd spectacularly let her down and a mutual friend did likewise as she knew how upset Dd2 was.

Do you have any mutual friends who could point out what an arse he is being? Or his parents? He will risk losing DD and if he can't see that he's a muppet. Do your other DC not want to see him at all? Presumably they have some good reason not to?

@crazyotter I hope the counselling helps moves things on for you. I know for many it has been a lifesaver to help process jumbled thoughts and emotions. We discussed having counselling but tbh both knew the writing was clearly on the wall. Plus I really didn't want to have to say loads of shit stuff out loud to him and him likewise about me and leave a horrid bad taste. That's probably not quite how counselling works mind you!!

I sorry that people are having a hard time with exs and kids - how can they not see how rubbish that is. Its been a big week here - had mediation to start talking about splitting of finances and, to a lesser extent (as we have already decided most things children related) the kids. It was a bit draining and I was astounded when they went over the costs as it seems super expensive just as we need every penny for splitting into 2 households. I suggested to the ex we just work it out ourselves but he's not keen so we are going to start the joint meetings in October as I am broke this month.

We talked to the eldest about how we are going to split the time (50/50 with some cross over Wednesday and Sunday) and he cried. He asked me a bit later on if there would be some days where I wouldn't see him at all and I had to say yes. I told him we could video call everyday but he said its not the same and he is right. I am wobbling right now but have at every stage of the process.

My ex is also shit with the kids, putting lots of poor-me emotional blackmail in everything with them. My eldest can't wait until he is allowed to choose not to go to his Dad's house.

We are having family therapy and the reason I organised it because I wanted professionals to tell Ex that he was being an arse with the kids and I wanted to know how to support them if he was going to keep on being an arse. They haven't really pushed him on it yet though OR told me how to support them when their Dad is a manipulative twat. To be fair, that's because Ex successfully waylaid the first 3 sessions into how much he doesn't want to split up. Next session is in a week and I'm planning to really try and push the agenda forward

@Chocobuns Thank you. You are exactly right, he probably is depressed. A lot has happened to him in the last couple of years, in addition to us separating, and he actually needs therapy, but is too stubborn or proud to do it. I was just talking to my older daughter and she said, "dad wants us to be his personal therapists and we cannot do that.". I feel so bad, guilty, for my kids, that they have to bear the weight of my actions.

@SummerSazz Unfortunately his parents are both dead and we do not have many friends. He is also very asocial and is spending most of the time home alone. I am getting ready to say something to him but I do not want him to get angry at my daughter for it. He is the kind of a person who would go to her and say, "why are you complaining to mom about me", I am sure of it. Well we are supposed to have another mediation session at the end of the months, once he is settled his work, and I plan to bring it up at that time. He has to have scheduled visits with her and also... the dog. We have a dog and she is closest to him, actually, but he never takes her to his place, or walks her or anything. He is really weird. He is actually acting like a child, sulking or something. I think what he is doing is, "ok, you kicked me out so I am out, do not want to take the dog or see the kids and it is all your fault." Oh I honestly just want to slap him these days. Last couple of days I was not sleeping well, all because of this. I am furious with him.

I honestly am hoping that he will soon find a girlfriend or something so that my kids and I can go on with our lives.

@Undecidedandtorn I am sorry your son cried, must have broken your heart, I know. But lets hope that he will get used to it, in fact I am sure he will and soon. It is just this first bit that is the hardest. Hugs to you

@SummerSazz Sorry missed your question about my other DC. No they barely see him and to be honest, I am not sure exactly why except that they are young people, 23 and 20 and they do not want to hang out with their parents. They have their own lives to tend to and are quite busy at the moment, between school, work and boyfriends/girlfriends. The thing is, like @Chocobuns said and my therapist, many, many times, he is responsible for his relationship with the kids. He should not expect them to work on it, he has to. But he is basically doing what he was doing before too, when he was in this house, waiting for them to come to him. He used to say, "if they do not want to hang out with me I do not want to hang out with them.". I used to get so mad with him for that telling him, there will come a day when you will need them and they will not come to you because you are not making any effort and...the day has come.

I apologize for the many posts, guys, but I keep missing to address each poster. @Sparklyboots it is actually a great idea, if my stbx/ex would want to do it. He did not want to go for couples therapy before we split up. Do make sure you straighten him up and keep reminding him what the purpose of the counseling is at the moment. The love to make everything about themselves, don't they.

I am realizing now that many problems we had before, re treatment of kids, are going to become bigger now because before I could control it somewhat. I was constantly finding myself in between the kids and him, but now, it is out of my hands. What he does or does not do with them, what he does or does not tell them This is bringing a lot of anxiety I am afraid.

Things are so weird here at the moment. H is super clingy and seems so far in denial that he’s being over the top in the other direction if you know what I mean. Yesterday I was standing in the kitchen and he was standing so close next to me it was weird (it’s a big kitchen so no need to be close!) I asked him to take a step back as he was practically on top of me and I was trying to get something out of the cupboard. So then he shifted to the side but really deliberately brushed his groin against my bum as he went. Not just a gentle accidental brush - he properly pushed himself against me as he went past. Then today I yawned and he tried to undo his fly and said “aww I was too slow!” Honestly - we’ve had several conversations about how I don’t feel the same way, see him like a room mate etc, we’re never intimate and haven’t had sex in nearly 2 years. I’ve not given him any indication that anything has changed. I just don’t get it - the fact that he’s doing things like this makes me feel that my feelings just don’t count for anything. Am I just being really petty? I know I have to bring this conversation up again but this time need to actually do something about it otherwise things will just keep dragging on again as they are now. It does make me wonder whether it’s worth it though if nothing ever changes. Urgh. Just feel so miserable. It’s only been a couple of months since mum died and I’m trying to balance everything with making sure dad is ok, the kids are ok, and I don’t know if I’ve got the energy for yet another difficult conversation just yet. But on the other hand I don’t want things to keep on as they are.

On the other hand I feel like such a cow as he will be devastated. Oh this is so hard!

@HoneyDaze Oh dear, I totally get it. I remember having been so mad with my husband over something and him being so clueless and making similar sexual comments and me thinking, wtf is he thinking, that his will "warm me up", soften me up, make me not mad. Or him coming at me, just like yours, while I was cooking and being surprised that I am annoyed at him. It is really sad sometimes to see how different we can be, men vs. women. Even though you are married gestures like these are not ok just thrown randomly at you in the middle of the day. Inappropriate, rude, yuck.

Yes, you definitely need to have another talk. Just be honest with him and tell him how you feel and what you want. Good luck. Hugs

@honeydaze pestering at its best, definitely another talk to be had !!! After not having sex for so long, your mum gone and your feelings very clear to him, what is he trying to achieve? Make things better? Sounds like hes not getting the message and tbh sounds like he lacks empathy or he doesnt know how to deal with things...harassing is not ok and need to set your boundaries again...let us know how it goes. Hugs...

@honeydaze - that is just bizzare on his part. Like does he think it's sexy?

@freeatlast2021 - you and everyone else should post as often as you want even if it's multiple posts. It's been so helpful for me seeing everyone's stories and all at different parts of our journey. I'm sure everyone on here has busy lives so sometimes to say everything and reply to particular points when you only have one spare half hour or whatever multiple posts are the way to go.

I have a good one, been with my DP for six years, he has zero interest in spending time with me, there's no conversation or chit chat in the home because he's is ALWAYS wearing his noise cancellation headphones so when I head to the fort and say, I'm just nipping out to the post office, he doesn't even look up, or if he does I have to repeat myself twice.

I ended the relationship 10 days ago, I don't think he heard me.

He says he will move out early November.

So here we are, him watching YouTube on his phone from the second he wakes up, and me lonely in my own home.

The stress of the conversation where I actually ended things has taken me this long to recover from, it's triggered a flare up for my autoimmune disease which presents as chronic fatigue.

I'm home schooling, week 12 of lockdown, new job 3 weeks ago.

All family ok the other side of the world and still have to share a bed with him.

He hasn't told anyone things are over between his (our mutual friends and neighbours)

Welcome beingsunny - that sounds really hard. I'm sure once he has moved out it will feel much better. And homeschooling is horrible- good luck!

@honeydaze I understand re the annoying habits. Honestly sometimes even his breathing annoys me, its soooo loud, not that I can tell him to stop breathing but it almost feels like its loud just to annoy me!

I've made a few decisions in the last few days. We live in what I thought was our forever home with 3 kids. At the moment it just makes me feel trapped, it would need to be sold if we separate and I just feel like this is hanging over me all the time and I feel so unsettled. I'm looking at cheaper houses very close by as love the area, no driveway/slightly smaller bedrooms etc but affordable for me on my own and in the same area we love, no disruption for schools etc.

Husband obviously convinced this is the first step in our separation and I've been honest and said it might be. However.... it might be a fresh start. Ultimately if we stay together in a cheaper property we will have more disposible income. We could get a cleaner, no more arguments about cleaning the bathroom etc. We could afford a babysitter and actually go on some date night etc and at least really give things a proper go. Yes, my feelings of attraction may not return but we'll have given it our best short and also organised finances to be easier if we either stay together or separate.

Mad to be considering downsizing a bit with 3 kids?

@crazyotter I'm still exactly where you are. We've hardly spoke to each other and I can tell he's really trying, but I'm avoiding any sort of physical contact or opportunities for it and I just feel so awful. My minds completely made up but I can't seem to bring myself to rip the plaster off and expose the wound.
My counsellor has been away for a few weeks and I can't wait to get back on Monday and try and sort it out in my head again.

It's hard, but I'm sure we'll get there.

Hope everyone is doing okay xx

Hi everyone, I found this thread a couple of days ago and I've been reading through it and recognising so much of my own situation.

H and I have been together 15 years, two children aged 9 and 7. He's a good man, but I feel like I am dying a little at a time being married to him.

About a week ago I had a revelation and I've been kind of in shock since - firstly, I don't think our relationship can be fixed, and secondly (and more importantly) this doesn't bother me at all.

I have been going round in circles for years knowing something was wrong and assuming that something was me and the way I felt, and I needed to fix how I felt so we could be happy. Now I have realised I can't fix it. I can't change it. I can't love him again. It's honestly a relief.

I need to talk to him. I'm terrified. He's going to be so broken

Hi @BriannaDannaDingDong, welcome.
I remember the feeling that you are describing so well. That realisation that it’s not something that’s wrong with you, it’s wrong with the relationship. It took me a really long time to realise too. And then there is the abject terror of then having to deal with it. You’ll get lots of good advice and support here from people who have been through it, and people still going through it xx

@BriannaDannaDingDong hi. It's not a great place to be, I know. I'm still here feeling exactly the same as you with similar aged children and I'm dreading the conversation, although I feel very differently to having the talk now, than I did back in April when I started this thread!

You'll find your strength soon enough. Do you have supportive friends/family you can trust and talk to? The more I speak to my friends, the stronger I'm feeling. This group helps massively. People at all stages, and all with brilliant advice and reassurance when needed.. so keep posting.