AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@BTE152 you take care now. All be well, you will see.

@BTE152 big hugs for you. In some ways though the final decision has been made and you can all move forward. This may not feel great right now but removes that horrid limbo. Gavin said that I'm sure it's so raw at the moment 😞. My dc hated it when stbx was playing at internet romances but that has thankfully gone and we now have two houses they feel happy at. You WILL get there.

Thank you @freeatlast2021. And again some wise words below 🙏🏻.
My two were worried that their DF might marry again and they will have a another mum or that he might have another family. Although I have listened to their concerns and been sympathetic, all I can say is that we can't change what happens elsewhere, but that right here nothing is changing. I will be the same, their house, each other and their home will be the same.
DS9 was also worried that having parents who had split would somehow change him. I told him that things in life are always changing but that it doesn't change who he is.

💪🏻💪🏻 everyone, old and new.

@BTE152 I'm not sure who Gavin is 🤣. My youngest cried and said she didn't want another mum and we had to reassure her that I would always be her mum and nothing would change that. I do think stbx seeing that reaction helped him see what his 'relationships' and being outwardly obvious about them was doing and thankfully he has reigned that in.

@freeatlast2021 thank you very much, this gives me comfort....i suppose its the not knowing and not sure what will be said too ..
@BTE152 that re-assurance and stability for the DCs is great, once he gets his things you'll be able to settle and having your friend over will be a distraction

@Chocobuns, some great advice here, you will get over this next hurdle and I’m sure ultimately it will feel like a weight has lifted. Stay strong 💪
@BTE152, I’m sure it’s tough right now but as lots have said on here, it gets worse before it gets better. And also, in a warped kind of way I feel a bit jealous as I wish I was further forward!!
@freeatlast2021, how far you have come!! I remember your posts when you were feeling so awful, and here you are now, giving us all the most calm, measured and comforting advice. I also wish we could meet in person over a few drinks!! X

@Yellowswan I've been to two random MN meet-ups. Would love for this to be a third x

@SummerSazz have you actually??! I’m quite new to it so didn’t know if people did this 😂 how was it?!

Can I join?

Ex and I separated after years of me thinking we should separate but worrying about whether it was the right thing to do. I got a new place and moved out full time by January this year.

I referred the kids and I to CAHMS and we started family therapy in March. It's been a bit hit and miss and got distracted into all sorts of things but we invited Ex in because the main focus of the therapy was supposed to be how to cope with the separation.

Ex has just been a giant arse in the therapy. Last week he basically said that he'd only agreed to join believing we would get back together (despite my clear NEVER at any point it came up). Now he's saying there is no point in family therapy as I have unilaterally decided there would be no family. Meanwhile, he is still using guilt to make the DCs stay at his house (eldest particularly unhappy) and has been really clear to them this is all my idea and he, like they, wants to be a family all together.

This is just bonkers - we barely exchanged a civil word in the last year of our relationship and didn't got more than three days without a row for years.

I hate him for making the DC feel sorry for him and trying to use them as leverage for why I should not leave. His position has literally no interest in my health and wellbeing, despite the fact he says it's because he loves me. He does not give a shit about me, he just wants me to feed his self-image.

Anyway. I spent ages thinking about leaving and lots of energy leaving. And now I just feel it will never end, all the shite that he pulls and the way he is like a black hole for my emotional and spiritual energy. And how he uses the kids to do that work since he doesn't have direct access. And I hate myself for ignoring all his obvious shit, or for beliveing that he behaved like a shit because I didn't deserve someone who behaved well towards me. I really thought leaving would be a relief, but he is like a quantum well or something.

@Yellowswan yes, one from my antenatal group and one from a weight loss thread. They were both lovely and 5 or 6 of us still meet from the antenatal group. We have t/f to fb though for a bit more privacy.

@Sparklyboots I think sometimes you have to just step away from trying to make it ok for everyone. It will be ok and if he's not playing and contributing to therapy I'd walk away, knowing you've tried your best. Sounds like a horrid situation though so take care of yourself x

@Yellowswan Yes, I know. I remember being beside myself, feeling so bad, so guilty, having anxiety eat me alive. I would wake up in the morning and feel sick in my stomach and I would go to bed feeling the same. I though I would get sick and die. Even my therapist was suggesting I talked to my doctor to ask for something to help me deal with all this. The few days around his moving out were really hard, and then few days after...Even now, I find myself often feeling off, thinking about him and how he is alone and has to tend to himself. Immediately I try to look inside, to identify the feeling, to see if there is a nervousness attached to it.... Nothing. I am just observing another human being going through some hard stuff. I offer my help and help whenever I can, but that is it.

Just this morning i woke up and thought to myself.. nothing, ha?! No nervousness, anxiety, nausea. I was looking forward to having a crazy Friday and even craziest weekend. It feels so good to be so busy but your own boss, so to speak. No one, to criticize you, to sulk around, to mop. I am preparing a little party for my kids birthdays, seeing a friend I have not seen in almost two years, having a drink or two at home, while binge watching Netflix. Ah, what a bliss.

Listen to me guys, you are doing great, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and soon things will get better, I promise. And keep posting. It helps, it really does.

Reading through about two days worth of posts tonight and trying to picture my future self, having come through all the bullshit and finally happy where I am. I'm finding it difficult to do today, since H and I spoke on Monday night and reached no conclusion, the atmosphere has been awful. He's clearly avoiding the subject, yet still clearly bothered and upset by it all. I'm avoiding the subject just because I know talking to him will get us nowhere so here we are, sitting in silence making awkward chit chat until one of us gets up and goes to bed.
Today is the first day I've felt physically ill from it. Physical symptoms of the anxiety and stress from the constant dull hum in my head caused by reliving old conversations, thinking over and over what to say and how to approach it and playing out in my head how it could potentially go.
I'm laid in bed, so bloody pissed off with myself that I haven't got the balls to confront him because he makes it so difficult.
I went for lunch with friends today and they've told me to just leave. To just rent somewhere temporarily, let the dust settle and move forward as they are convinced I'm being controlled and emotionally beaten. The furniture topic came up again.. the money left in the joint account would have covered all of it and more and when I suggested we order it he said no, that it wasn't just my decision then proceeded to transfer the whole amount out of the joint account and into 'our' savings. Savings which I have no access to and seemingly no say in what goes in or out either!
Am I being taken for a bloody mug?!
Sorry for the lengthy rant. I'm reaching breaking point but I feel like it's my mental health that will take the force. I'm going bloody mad.

@freeatlast2021 @SummerSazz you're keeping me going being a few steps ahead. I know this is the eye of the storm but despite all the upheaval the only regret I have is not doing this years ago.

@lemonmeringue85 do listen to your friends, if taking to him is so hard that says everything really. Also alarm bells ringing about the money situation. I posted for years asking advice over this sort of thing and was told to get out but refused to listen for the sake of maintaining the status quo. Things have only got worse and I don't know how, as a strong, independent person, I've ended up in the financial circumstances I'm in now.

@lemonmeringue85 I also agree that if your friends are telling you to take action then you should, hard as it is. Also agree the money thing is worrying and you really need to look out for yourself now. Take care & I hope you can find the strength.

@BTE152 I'm glad my posts and @freeatlast2021 are giving you hope and spurring you on. I sometimes feel it's a bit insensitive to post how my life is moving on when there are so many trapped in limbo. From my POV (and I get everyone's lives are different) it has absolutely been the right thing, albeit I still do mourn the loss of my marriage 😞

Evening everyone, just come on to vent so sorry in advance!! I’ve just had a day where I’m finding H very difficult to tolerate. Everything he has said/done is grating on me? That sounds awful doesn’t it? But I just can’t help it. It is taking all my strength to not keep reacting. Hasn’t helped that we had to spend part of the day with his parents 🙄
I hate this as it’s bank holiday weekend, the weather is lovely and I’m just feeling miserable.
I know what the answer is and I know what I need to do to change things, I’m just feeling all out of energy at the moment.

I’m right with you @Yellowswan! Tough day and H is being super clingy. I’ve been trying to get stuff done in the house and every time I go into the same room as him or pass him in the hall he grabs me for a cuddle. I can’t help myself from literally ducking around him or pulling away but he doesn’t get it and keeps on going! Super awkward and makes me feel like such a cow but I just can’t do it, and also I don’t want to give him false hope. He’s also been doing various things that wouldn’t annoy me if it was other people but really grate on me. It’s not even anything bad. Just the sound of him eating his dinner is giving me silent rage! Also just had my dad on the phone telling me how amazing H is because he’s been over to cut his grass for him. He just kept saying “he’s so great, he really looks after us all.” He’ll be devastated when this all comes out. I feel so trapped!
Sending hugs to everyone. We can get through the bank holiday together - we can we can we can!!

@HoneyDaze, sorry you’re feeling this way too, but very comforting to know I’m not the only one! Xx

@SummerSazz you are right about stopping trying to make it okay for everyone. I did that through the whole relationship and its definitely part of the dynamic that was killing me. Letting go of everyone feeling good in relation to me is part of what I need to do for my while life.

@lemonmeringue85 if your friends are telling you, do listen.... (a) it takes a lot to 'risk' being that clear with your friend because you don't want to alienate her when you think she may need a lifeline to you at some point and (b) they are reflecting what you have told them. You are reflecting intolerable to them about your relationship- listening to them is listening to yourself

@HoneyDaze that thing of him doing everything for your family and so forth - I'm just saying this because I recognise it in myself (not proud) - but it can be a sort of control thing. Like, he makes himself undumpable through putting himself out and being generous or whatever, but he does it as a sort of insurance because it means its very hard to tell him to do one. I have done the same in my time. It never works and it might not be what your DO is doing, but just to say, super helpful isn't always completely altruistic, it's about getting people in a sort of debt

Met good mutual friend of ex today. She was really lovely and supportive and I always feel confirmed by her in the separation decision but she could see that ex was in denial from the start. So feeling okay but stirred up again

@Yellowswan @HoneyDaze I'm with you both on this. Thankfully I'm on nights over the bank holiday so I won't have to make excuses or avoid him for a few days as I'll just go to bed! I asked him again today to talk to me because he's walking around with a face like a slapped arse, the atmosphere is awful and he just grunts at me.
We know what we need to do, and I'm sure we will get there. I've never refreshed this thread as much as I have done in the last few days just for that reassurance that I'm not alone I'm how I'm feeling!

@SummerSazz @BTE152 Thankyou for your advice. I've gone through things today with him and asked to have access to the savings aswel and see a breakdown of where it's all going and it all seems in order. I'm more pissed off that he refuses to just let me buy some new bloody furniture to replace the 13 yr old shite I'm currently having to look at everyday. He says 'some people having nothing, at least we have furniture. It functions, Stop being materialistic'.

Also, @SummerSazz and @freeatlast2021, like it's been mentioned previously, you're posts keep me going and give me hope that things will work out ok. It's nice to see the different stages people are at on this struggle bus. Hopefully I'll be hopping off at a stop sometime soon ☺️

Lots of love to all xx

Hi all, I'm not great at posting but do gain strength from reading posts. I can totally relate to so much of what is said. My dh i sometimes think is getting it then its like I have never said anything. Unlike others he has totally got the idea that I don't want any physical contact. Sleeping in the spare room definitely helps. I think the hrt is kicking in and I feel more like myself, my feelings about my dh have not changed however and I know it's over. Like others sooo many things now irritate, and I know he's not really doing anything wrong. I can't even stand his aftershave. Hope you all get some good times over the weekend. Take care x

Hi all, a little update, the DC talk went much better than i thought (just me getting myself in a state in the build up). It was very calm , very matter-of-fact, a couple of questions but they've been expecting it. We answered what we could, even asked about re-decorating lol and then they went out to play as normal ! Such a relief, theres one less secret out in the open, like a cloud has lifted and it all made sense why things have been happening the way they are in the house etc...
No moving out date yet though but is actively looking apparently. I believe hes got somewhere already but delays till paperwork is completed tbh...

@Scooby2021 once i made the decision, i was the same, cant stand the smell, the being in same room etc amazing how our bodies react once our mind is made up...

@honeydaze mine still even though he knows fully well whats happening is doing everything for neighbours and making plans with them for our property without my knowledge even though hes leaving !! I bumped into a neighbour and of course she thought i knew about it and told me all the plans, i just hope I'm not expected to pay for things i didnt agree on or know about, which sound very expensive

@Chocobuns well done on telling the DC and that it was in some ways a non event. Interesting that this wasn't a surprise - I think this is very often the case as they can be very astute and feel an uncomfortable atmosphere. You'll have more random questions from them I'm sure but they'll all be answerable in a matter to fact way as you say.

Sorry but it did make me smile re new house developments - wtf?? Pure denial I think.....

@lemonmeringue85 good news that you've spoken re the money. I'd suggest that no money should be spent on new 'stuff' until you're sorted as to your new future. I do get the desire for some new fresh stuff though!

@HoneyDaze stbx used to jiggle his knee and do a kind of humm when thinking. By the end it drove me mad and I had to ask him to stop humming! I think by the time he left he was afraid to breathe 😄

Another first for me - DC have been at their dads for two days (and nights) with the dog too so I've been alone. V weird but nice just to chill and have a lie in. DD's kitten came and slept with me which was nice. When they said they'd like to stay another night Dd2 said 'but it doesn't mean I don't love you, I love you loads' bless her ❤️. I think watching anime on a 50 inch TV (separated bloke pre-requisite I think) was a big draw 😄.

Hope everyone is having good weekends - I've weeded and replanted the front garden which was lovely and looks much better and orderly now 🌸