AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Undecidedandtorn 'how did my life come to this?' Like you, I ask myself this question on a regular basis now. When I think back to our wedding day and our vows (something he also likes to use to make his point), and look at the photos from that day I appeared happy and probably wouldn't have ever have imagined divorce was on the cards but then I suppose no one does, do they? I hope you manage to find your way and find your 'happy' xx

@Kione my H uses the same language - lonely, sad and depressed are his go to's. I've asked him if he needs to speak to a gp if he's genuinely concerned he's depressed, but he won't. He says more intimacy and affection will rectify it.. which I understand, however I explain until I'm blue in the face that that side of things would improve and come naturally if everything else was okay, which it clearly isn't. Good for you for staying strong by trying not to apologise. It's a bit of a reflex reaction for me to say sorry, but the counselling helped me massively with this and I'm learning to back myself and believe it's not all on me - hope you've had a better day.

@crazyotter I hope the counselling helps. It's been my absolute saviour. I'm learning things about myself I wish I'd known years ago and feel ever so slightly stronger for it each day. All the best for Sunday

@lemonmeringue85 thanks for your words. I was so taken back because he has never said such things before.
Today I am a little better.

All so familiar everyone; it's an awful rollercoaster to have to board every day until things resolve themselves.

I could never get STBXH to understand that if things were alright in my head and communication was open and honest then intimacy would't be a problem. He never got it and just says he 'didnt feel loved'.

I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if this has been discussed already.... I am wondering how old you are. Could you be peri menopausal? It generally starts early 40s. Feelings wanting to run away, anxiety, racing head, complete loss of libido to the point of feeling repulsed. But manly focussed on partner. Thoughts of having sec with other people. If any of this sounds right, please speak to your GP or menopause clinic. HRT has saved many a woman's sanity and many a marriage.

I'm sure my menopause hormones have played some part in all this as have lockdown, home schooling ect but the fundamental issues are still there.

Had my alone mediation session today - can't belive how expensive it's all going to be if we go ahead but the mediator did say there is currently a £500 grant from the government for those that have children and engage in mediation so that will help.

He also said they can do mediation for children on their own around what they want their living situation to be but I'm sure that the 7 yo will just want to be with me and then his older brother would feel torn as would want to do 50/50 but also want to be with his brother. Am now going out for drinks with some Internet strangers! Wish me luck

Oh gosh everyone, it’s heartbreaking to know that we’re all going through this. It really is such an awful feeling. I hate myself for even thinking it but sometimes I wish he’d do something really awful just to justify my wanting to leave. Maybe that’s just to push the blame onto him and make me feel better. Bad though isn’t it? Although I know really there doesn’t have to be a reason other than the fact that it’s just not right anymore. I keep thinking I’m wrong as I’m so upset - why would I be so devastated if this is the right decision? But I guess I can still be upset for the life I thought I’d have. It’s so hard to explain how something can feel so hard but still be the right thing. I just keep thinking maybe I should just accept things and carry on as that’s the easiest thing, and that avoids hurting anyone. Although I’ve no idea how he can be happy with how things are and the complete lack of intimacy from me. He never raises it though! That’s another thing that annoys me - I wish he’d grow a pair and call me out on it! (I might not be saying that if he did - but hopefully you know what I mean!)

Sending love to you all. At least we know we’re not on our own!

Can i join you? Middle of things - waiting for decree nisi (its been forever akready but I've been told huge backlog from courts and my case got referred to a different court).
Trying to sort financials , still under the same roof, i was told yesterday he agreed to a financial compromise now (yay!!!) but giving me trouble with kids, doesnt want to tell them yet and is not giving me exact date of leaving..
I ordered myself a new bed today, it'll be delivered in Nov and I cant wait 😊

@crazyotter

I feel like we’ve got to a bit of a crunch point (I may have just made that phrase up) as H seems to want a yes or no answer about whether our marriage is over. He knows I am starting counselling and that it may help change the way I feel, but it may not. He’s asking me every day if I think it will help but obviously I can’t predict the future. I don’t know whether it’s better to keep him hanging on a bit longer in the hope that the counselling will help with my depression (and therefore how I feel about H/life in general) or put him out of his misery now. I don’t even know how long it would take counselling to get me to the point of feeling different anyway, it could be months couldn’t it?

God, I’m getting so down about it I’ve even started listening to David Gray on repeat

Hello @crazyotter. This is exactly what happened to me last year. I started therapy sometimes in January. For me therapy was really amazing. I felt like she peeled some layers off me and managed to expose the inside. It was very painful and cathartic. My husband, however, was getting impatient. He insisted that I tell him "something", how long this will last, are we going to stay together or not, when are we going to have sex (I stopped when I started therapy), and such and I told him that I did not know. That this was a process and I could not predict how long it would last, that he needed to be patient. Unfortunately Covid hit and I had to stop therapy. I felt awful. I was far from being sure what I wanted but at the same time certain things were taking shape, I could feel it. I knew that this pandemic was going to last a long time and I was devastated. My husband got mad and said he would move out, which is when he applied for the apartment he now moved in. I knew that things would happen to us during this crises and did not want him to leave at that time, so I decided to go back to "trying" and I told him, "lets try and be our best selves to each other and see where it goes". It worked for a while and I guess he though that our marriage was mended. In the mean time, hell broke loose for us (I think I already wrote about it , so many things have happened to our family both Covid related and not, so it was getting harder and harder for me to break up. But I started therapy again and was more and more sure that this is what I wanted.

I am afraid, I do not have an advice for you but I know how you feel. He needs to be patient and give you time. Men can be so unreasonable. They want things fixed right here and now. I told my husband, "we were together 25 years, do you think this can be fixed in few counseling sessions?". However, I have to say that my personal opinion is this, if a women starts thinking about a break up, the chances of a make up are small. Do you know what I mean?

Please do not get me wrong, you totally have to go through as many counseling sessions as you need to be sure what you want and should not make decision until you are.

@honeyDaze I can relate to your recent posts very much. Almost wishing he would do something really bad, so we could leave and it would be perfectly justified. At the moment I am still torn between just plodding on, as it is ok and keep the family together. I feel like I need something more than "i just dont fancy him" to justify such a drastic move. I know deep down I dont, but I know when the times ahead are tough, I'll really question if I made the right choice so I want a list of things to remind me that I have. weve been away this week, had some family time, it's been nice but it doesn't change the fact Im not attracted to him. Having the family together for the week and having fun has been good though, once again making me doubt myself.

I wish you could book to see a relationship specialist and they asked you both lots of questions then made the decision for you! It would stop me feeling like the bad guy I guess and having to make the hard choices.

@crazyotter yes i get this to "I don't want to keep asking, but have you had any more thoughts about our situation?" I dont know if he thinks the answer will come to me in a dream and I'll wake up one day and say, I've decided, everything is great lets carry on.
It's so hard, being in limbo. I dont know when I will know what to do. I wmquestion whether I should have waited until I did but felt I needed to get out in the open how I was feeling.

I hope everyone is doing as ok as you can be in these difficult situations we find ourselves in.

@chocobuns I thought it was pretty much impossible to get a divorce when living under the same roof- is that not true? I've also brought a new bed today!

@crazyotter You are so sweet, your words warmed up my heart. Yes, I often wish I can meet with you guys in person, have a glass of something and a chit-chat.

This is so true, The pressure he’s putting on me to tell him what’s going on isn’t helping and I don’t think he realizes that it’s making it more likely that I’ll just give up on the marriage. I was thinking the same to myself, "does he not realize that he is hurrying me to leave our marriage"?, or is he so oblivious that he does not see how big of a crises we are in? I realized at one point that my husband thought we can "talk about it", have sex and...there, like with a magic wand, the problem is gone. Let's move on. Is he that simple? Is he that ignorant? Does he not know me at all? I was furious!!!

[quote Undecidedandtorn]@chocobuns I thought it was pretty much impossible to get a divorce when living under the same roof- is that not true? I've also brought a new bed today! [/quote]
@Undecidedandtorn I am not sure what the laws are in UK but where I live, yes, you can. Here you have to be "separated" for a year to be able to file for divorce. But you can be "separated" and live under the same roof.

@Undecidedandtorn so long as you live separate lives....dont eat together, sleep in different rooms, dont wash each others clothes, dont cook for each other etc

Cant wait for the bed, been sleeping on floor for months (in different room), the little things eh? So excited !!

Also, from time of petition you dont share same roof for over 6 months

[quote Chocobuns]@Undecidedandtorn so long as you live separate lives....dont eat together, sleep in different rooms, dont wash each others clothes, dont cook for each other etc

Cant wait for the bed, been sleeping on floor for months (in different room), the little things eh? So excited !![/quote]
I know how you feel I slept on the floor for three months.

Hello all and 👋 to the newbies on the bus...

I've just got back from 5 days away camping with a friend and the DD's - it's been very lovely but I've had to learn all the stuff stbx used to do. I'm a bit short for attaching the awning to the campervan so had to go and buy a step stool 😄 but managed all the electrics and gubbins ok so I do feel a bit empowered.

Sorry to hear of those in limbo and H's not engaging in any conversation. I guess I was pretty lucky that mine did, although it took quite a lot of conversations (peppered by him talking about plans for the next year's holiday 🤨). I got to the point of saying we'd reached a fork in the road and both of us were on different paths with aspirations etc for our lives. Luckily he did get it and knew we were past the fork and there was no way to reverse up. I truly hope you can all find your own road, and even go back on the same road with counselling if that's the right thing to do. IMO I think you know when you know which way you will be going.

Congrats on the new bed orders - mine has made a huge difference to how I feel, being back in my room and my own space rather than 'camping' in the spare room.

Thanks @Chocobuns for posting re divorce as I wasn't aware you had to have 6 months not under the same roof as that's Dec for me (2 years separated is sept so I was going to start divorce proceedings then). We have a financial agreement already (although not court approved) and the lawyers mentioned re not eating together/doing washing. I find that outrageous from a DC POV, creating a hostile environment- why make it more acrimonious than it is?? Anyway, I will say to any judge who asked that we didn't eat together, do shopping, washing, cleaning etc if that's what I have to do. But I couldn't have done that to my kids for the last 18 months. I can't believe your stbxh won't tell the DC though - I wanted mine to have as much time to prepare as possible and not just 'pull a rug' from under them. Having said that, a friend of mine separated and moved out within a couple of weeks and her DD is absolutely fine so I guess there are many different approaches which can work. Good luck with getting him to a point to tell them and agree a move out date.

@SummerSazz i got a message today he wants us to tell the kids tomorrow, my heart is about to burst !!!
I knew it was coming but very anxious now...on plus side i might find out when hes off , who knows? He seems to have upper hand in all these but not for long...
Now thinking about ordering the mattress lol

@Chocobuns I truly hope it goes well. How old are they (very happy if you'd rather not disclose). My 13 yo took it very hard and would rather we were all still living together even though separated and my 11yo was very pragmatic and just wants everyone to be happy, bless her. I think the reactions were far more their characters than age though. Good luck 🤞

They're teens, my eldest knows already as hes been asking me things but my youngest doesnt and DS is like yours, hed rather have us all together but i dont know...I'm worried as quite sensitive child..we'll see !!
Tonight I'll be googling how to tell them, not sure what he'll say I hope he doesnt put me on the spot as I'm divorcing him

@Chocobuns

Well, he's gone. He spent the night away last night (at his new gf place I think) then phoned this morning to say he wasn't shifting his stuff until Tuesday now.

Having had a few chats with DCs over the past week which revealed how upset and confused they are by his already seeing someone else and that the times when I thought he was spending time with the kids he was on his constantly on his phone, I decided enoughs enough and packed all his stuff for him and left it in the garage.

So in my head at least, he's gone.

Got a friend and her daughter over for BHW so going to enjoy a relaxed evening now, hopefully.

@Chocobuns Sorry, that got posted on its own. I wanted to tell you, I suggest do not go into too many details. Be short and concise. This is what I told my kids. " Dad and I are separating. We have been struggling for a long time and we tried to make it work but we could not. I am sorry that this is happening now, at this difficult time for us all, but it felt like the right time for me. We want you to know that you have nothing to do with this. We love you and always will. Please come to us any time you need to talk. "

That is it. My stbx told me that he will not take responsibility for it since I wanted it. So I made it like we were in it together but the decision was mine. He literately said it i the end, "I just want to say that I have nothing to do with this. Mom wants to separate". I purposely avoided saying "I am sorry about this", because I am not, and did not want the kids to think that I have any doubts that this is a right think to do. It is just that we as a family have had a rough time in the last years or so, so i said I was sorry this was happening now. Youngest one, 16yo, was upset and left. She came the next day to talk me out of it, but after we chatted for a while, she never did again. They all seem to be taking it well, but mind you my kids are grown, 23, 20 and 16, living with us..

I think it is important not to catastrophize this situation. I am not saying this is not difficult, tragic even, and that you should not talk to the kids about it all and allow them to be emotional, but you stay calm and composed, do not show too much emotion. They need to know that you are serious, that there is no doubt in your mind that this is what you want and that you will be fine. All of you. Because what kids need is love and assurance.