AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@SummerSazz Thank you. Reading back my post I realized that my verb tenses are not always in agreement. I am so sorry, it must all sound so silly to you. I guess it is quite obvious but English is not my first language, but I am doing my best.

@Dazed24 Thank you for posting. It is good to see things from guy's prospective too. I apologize if I generalize sometimes, I know we are all different and a lot depends on a personality, however, it does seem that there are certain behaviors in relationships that are typical of one or the other gender, but perhaps not always.

@freeatlast2021 I had no idea English isn't your first language - your post was spot on and totally understandable x

@Scooby2021 yes ditto re decision making. It is exhausting but oddly less so when it is just for yourself I'm finding....

@spottypyjamas I really couldn't see myself living another 10 years of not being happy (I was ok, no abuse, rub along ok with some irritations etc). But many many people do and it's such a personal decision to decide to finally 'jump' - I think you do know when the time is right though.

Re timings: I remember Xmas 2018 thinking I didn't want to be in the same position as I was, by Xmas 2019 we had separated so i was thinking it would be sorted by Xmas 2020, then came Covid so we skipped a year but Xmas 2021 we will be in a different place. These things can take time to really process and deal with. In contrast my friend got the 'ick' on holiday and separated straight away, had moved out within a month and divorced within 6 months. Her teenage Dd is doing fine and mine are ok too so In some ways we maybe shouldn't overthink things too much 🤷‍♀️

@lemonmeringue85 - it's really hard to read you think you'll feel pain, guilt and self loathing 🥲. You didn't want or plan to end up how you are feeling and what might ultimately happen. We can't control everything, often not our own feelings nor the feelings or actions of others and this unfortunate place we find ourselves is just that. Please be kind to yourself & with good communication your kids WILL be ok. They will have seen your relationship and know it isn't perfect. I won't comment re you 'sorting your H out' 😡 although hardly likely to make you want to jump on him I'm sure!

@Dazed24 - good to hear there are some organised and tidy men out there! And I also apologise for generalisations; I guess I usually hear the woman's perspective and it seems very common. maybe it is more even between men and women shouldering joist/decision/admin load albeit my gut is saying not! 🤣

@lemonmeringue85 I'm sorry to hear you're having such a head---- right now. It does sound as if you are reaching some sort of decision- even if it's because it will eventually put a stop to the emotional rollercoaster you're riding.

@freeatlast2021 as we approach his moving out, I keep thinking of you post likening the process to childbirth and how painful the ultimate parts are but the relief afterwards. I hope it's what awaits us. DS has realised what his dad is up to and is upset and worried about his strange behaviour over the new gf and of course XH has 'gone away' today leaving me to deal with the emotional fallout of his actions. I'm so worried this will be the pattern.

@Dazed24 I also apologise for any generalisations. Your presence is reassuring in many ways!

I hope you have a relaxing Sunday everyone and a big handhold to anyone struggling with anxiety symptoms. I wonder if there will be a pressure release in the future and I will just cry and cry.

I've also been away for the weekend with two old school friends- been so good!

@spottypyjamas - your post from a few days ago really reminded me of me a while back. I also wondered if I could put my own happiness above my children's but now (and it's taken me months to get to this point) I know it's not a zero sum game - I can be happy and so can they and so can my ex. There is going to be a period of adjustment and I'm sure it will be difficult. My ex seems to out to make me feel bad and yes, there have been some things I wish that I would have done differently. But I can't go back in time - just forward. I know you asked about marriage counselling and I found it helpful in that I had tried and after so many painful sessions I realised I couldn't go on any more. I think if I hadn't given it a go I always would have wondered. Good luck!

August is a very busy month for us always with vacations but also bunch of birthdays. Two of our three kids just few days apart plus some friends and family. I have always been the one to organize it all. Buy presents, organize parties, invite people, cook or buy food, he would just stand aside criticizing my spending. This year is no different. I bought presents, asked kids to pick a restaurant, booked it and informed my stbx where and when. He showed up, both times with no present, nothing, not even a chocolate bar. He did text them in the morning and kiss them when they met, but nothing to give. We shared the dinner bills, but after I texted him the first time to clarify.

Neither one of us remembered to take photos at the restaurant, (why do I have to do everything . So coming home i remembered but he was not there any more and it all felt a bit funny after the fact. Kids took it well, I mean they hate picture taking and I do it just for me, to have a memory, but after I was thinking about it all a bit disappointed in how it all went. My stbx brought this nervous, angry energy with him. Talked for half an hour about things that annoy him, that person, that business. I could feel my throat tightening, my anxiety creeping in, just by listening to him. I was trying to smile, to ease the tension, kept trying to intercept his talk by justifying these random people's behavior, but no, he kept on and on. Just looking at his sour face I felt so uneasy and wondered, when did this happen, when did he become this old, grumpy man? He was not always like that. Anway, I was so looking forward to going home, my home, where I will lock the door behind me and have my peace and quiet. Which I did. When all quieted down, after we had a cake, kids retreated to their rooms, I poured myself a glass of wine, turned on Netflix (btw I just watched "The Chair" new series, it is really good) and....exhaled.

I wish you all lovely women (and a man), just the same. Your own little quiet retreat. Sooner rather then later.

@Undecidedandtorn I absolutely agree it's not a zero sum game.

@freeatlast2021 Dd2 shared a room with Stbxh on holiday and slept on the sofa two nights as she couldn't deal with his 'snapping'. Rather than try and intervene and be peacemaker I let it play out now. They pull him up on being grumpy and judgemental.... 🤨

@SummerSazz Omg, I know. This new situation is hard b/c I still feel like I need to "help" "fix" their relationship, also feel sorry for my kids, so when stbx does or says something I try to talk to them to make it better, but everyone tells me I should stay away. He is responsible for his relationship with the kids and I should not tell them what to do or not to do. Just listen and empathize .

My kids are upset b/c he is renting two bedroom apartment apparently because he wanted to give them a chance to stay over sometimes, but he did not put a bed in it, nor did he want an old mattress we had laying around (the one I slept on for three months ). So they are literately saying, what is the point of having an extra bedroom if they cannot actually use it. Did he get it just for a show? Also, they went to visit a few times and each time they get home hungry. I would be like "did dad feed you?", no, just serves them coffee and drinks. He does not allow them to use his car, nor do they have keys for his apartment. He also just left me our dog to take care of. He does not even come to see her or offers to take her out...

Wow @SummerSazz @freeatlast2021, am also realising that the kids are just as, perhaps more, astute than me and that I can no longer be the mediator/make excuses for STBXH behaviour. He will be the Dad he will be and I can't do anything now but mop up their disappointment. How can he be happy being such a disappointment to his own children? Having children always made me want to be the best version of myself (although i know I fall short at times, I try).

@SummerSazz yea it's had quite the opposite effect to be honest, I am really annoyed with the comment but haven't been able to tell him. I hate confrontation. The last couple of nights have been so awkward and the way he's talking to the kids and the dog, I just know he's reaching a limit.
So, I've asked if we can speak tonight after work. He's asked if he should be worried 😟 neither of us are very good at communication and never have been.

I'm sat here in tears knowing that if I'm completely honest with myself I'm going to break his heart, and if I say what he wants to hear I'm going to break my own.

I don't know how I get past this.

@crazyotter it's hard isn't it. I feel same. The weight of it is dragging me down every single day.
Sending love xx

@lemonmeringue85, @crazyotter, I’m exactly where you are too. I know it’s coming and it has to happen, I’m not even unsure anymore, just scared about what is to come. Hope your conversation goes ok tonight, sending love xx

@crazyotter I am glad to see that what I posted helps you, I really am. I also stand by those words totally. I can tell that you are all struggling with the first step, telling your spouse and that one is the hardest one. After that it gets a little easier as the cat is out of the bag and you do not have to pretend any more. Next difficult step is telling the kids. I thought I was going to get a heart attack, honest to God, but this actually went much better then I anticipated. The last step was telling some of the close friends. I though that ones I do all this that will be it, but it was not. Like I said in my last post, it will be hard for a little longer yet, but at least you will feel that the things are moving and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that helps a lot. I mean, I slept on the floor for three months, in the same room as my stbx. If that is not torture, I do not know what is. But I survived. Remember, it has to get worse before it gets better.

This morning I woke up, took my dog for a walk, drove my daughter to the train on her way to school, came home and meditated. Now I made my self coffee and I am starting my workday. So happy and relaxed and just...content. That is all I need, all I was looking for. I know it is hard to start the process and you should know that the process is hard, but it is well worth it and you deserve it, your kids deserve it and your spouses too. Sending you some positive wibes across the ocean.

@freeatlast2021 Thankyou so much. Your words really do help, and deep down I know I'll come through it and it will be better for us all in the long run. As soon as it comes to having this conversation where I have the opportunity to lay my cards out on the table, I just freeze. The words don't come out and my brain throws all these memories at me of happier times and tells me I'll regret it. So I let it go, and think 'give it another try, make more effort' and it's fine for a few days and then the unhappiness sets in again, even though he's not done anything particularly wrong. We just do not have anything in common anymore, and after the comments he made the other night about certain 'wife duties', it's made me even more certain of the decision.
I'm depressed, and not myself and I don't like it.

@Yellowswan @crazyotter I'm so so sorry you're both feeling like this. It's a horrible situation but I am sure you are both so much stronger than you believe.

So, it didn't go great 🙄

Nothing got sorted. He needs the intimacy, he feels like I don't care about his feelings. I don't know how to move forward, and after a lot of silences and getting absolutely nowhere he went to bed. Phoned me this morning like nothing had happened.

How is everyone doing?

@lemonmeringue85 that sounds very frustrating. What does he think is going to happen if he needs intimacy but you are unable to give it? How does he propose to resolve this? That you just have to give in?!

@crazyotter does he know tantrums are quite routine for two year olds? And has he considered why there is an atmosphere? How are things today? Hope you're ok.

@Yellowswan yes pretty much. I asked him how we resolve the situation, and he said he doesn't know..I explained I'm getting help through the counselling and weaning off my medication but it's making me feel like I'm the problem. I'm the one who has the blood tests, the therapy, the guilt after he tells me he's stressed over it. I told him I'm having a hard time coming to terms with what I'm dealing with through counselling (past trauma I didn't realise I was carrying around) and need support and understanding. He replied, 'he's tried to understand but doesn't understand how I wouldn't want to be close in that way with someone you love and care about'. We just went round in circles to be honest. It's now quite awkward but I'm on nights this week so that gives me some reprieve at least.

How is everyone else?

@lemonmeringue85 I am so sorry your conversation did not go so well. The thing is when you are getting into it you need to know what you want. If you want to work things out, you need to figure out what to ask of your H. Do you think it is counseling, or certain behavior that you want him to change etc. If you do not want to work things out, for whatever reason, that is what you tell him. I know a lot of people feel that they need to explain themselves, because they owe it to their spouses, but the problem with this is, this does not make him feel better, but the talking brings feelings of doubt, sadness and guilt and therefore makes it harder for you to make the point. We are also used to making decisions together with our partners, so we feel like they have to agree with us, but this is not the case. You do not need him to agree, you can make this decision by yourself and present it to your partner. I say, make it very short and clear. Something like, "I am not happy in this relationship and do not think that we can work things out. I want to separate". I really think that you owe it to yourself and your partner to be truthful and honest. I am so sorry, I know this is hard, but if it has to be done, I think sooner is better then later, I really do.

Sorry people are having a hard time. A lot of this stuff is so familiar- my mum is classic for attributing any changes in kids behaviour to stuff going on at home which drives me nuts as what can I do about it.

The lack of sex was something my ex really focused on which I found depressing- even during our trial getting back together when we did start having sex again he complained I wasn't initiating it enough. No talk about supporting each other more or improving our communication or anything else really.

We have a nice family day planned today - lunch and an interactive Shrek experience. Then I have my mediation session to start sorting out money. Such an odd contrast. How did my life come to this?

Hope people are doing ok.

Is there something in the air?
My husband sent me very emotional messages yesterday. He has NEVER said anything like that before, how love hurts, he woke up sad and lonely etc. I was very upset, trying hard not to say sorry.
Really really struggled.