AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@crazyotter ouch. That's below the belt to use DS 🥲. Everyone I know who split when DC were small it's normal life to them I think. I had a real wobble too with teens but, if it's the right thing to do, then IMO it's better than DC growing up think this is what a functioning relationship looks like. I want better for my DD's and for them to expect better.

@crazyottter - I think it's probably easier in some ways to split when kids are young - they get used to new situations quickly . My 14 is struggling much more than my 7 yo with all of this anyway. I'm sure there are disadvantages too but it's all swings and roundabouts

For sleeping I take Ativan 1mg. Cannot take it every day, so I take it couple of nights a week to recuperate.
Do not let them guilt trip you into staying. Kids are much stronger then we give them credit for. Some take it better then others but even with happy and healthy families and parents some kids thrive some have problems. You never know. Take care and stay strong. I am camping again with my youngest but do not have cell service in the camp🥺 drove out to check emails and MN posts. Love

@crazyotter 😞 horrible for his to use your DS. I hope you are ok x

I’ve found the hardest thing is that my adult DS is very ‘Team Dad’ which is hard as I was the one who Did everything when he was little . Sat in when DH went the pub, paid for the tutor for grammar school and schlepped him there.Did the uni tours and the trips to take him things and financed all of the above out of ‘my money’. It stings.

How are we all doing? I'm on holiday with stbx and my sister & family. I love her dearly but we are like chalk and cheese and 'managing' stbx is exhausting. We've had a lovely time but I am looking forward to going home to my new bed!!

Hey @SummerSazz, must be such a nice feeling to know at the end of the holiday you can go home alone to your new bed! Jealous!!
We’re going away tomorrow for a few days. I really didn’t want to do this but it will be great for the kids as we haven’t been anywhere since before covid and felt guilty to deny it really.
I’m just building up to revisiting the conversation we had a few months ago. We agreed that we would talk again once we had moved etc but it’s like it’s been completely squashed now. Although our lives get more separate by the day- he just seems ok with this!
Just don’t know how to go about this really. My oldest is leaving for uni in a few weeks (heart broken 💔 but a whole other story!) and I’m thinking I need to wait until after this, because I can’t drop this bomb just before he goes?? God I don’t know, I could make excuses forever for the thing I want most! No idea what to do right now

I just got back from my last camping this year. Was alone with my youngest. This did not go exactly as I planned it. We had some forest fires in the area, so smoky for couple of days, then rain, couple of days of sun. Anyway, I am home now, sorting out through stuff. It felt good being away from it all. I am getting used to this life, more and more every day. Every once in a while I get anxious, sad, weird feelings, but I shush it away. Most of the time I feel.. just good. Relaxed. No pressure, no stress, no thinking what is he going to say to this. I told only a few people, the most important once, and this felt good, to be out of the way.

@Yellowswan that sounds really tough. Will you have to 'fake it' on holiday or does your eldest know it's not all roses? It's so tricky to know what's for the best of telling him before or after he goes. Will he feel lied to if you wait and it was all a pretence until he'd gone? Or would he deal with it better for you to say it hasn't been that long and you did just want to wait until he'd finished school? Whichever way (as you see by many threads on here) can be taken as the 'wrong' way so a bit 'rock and hard place' 🥲. I do hope you can revisit the conversation and work out a plan. But then I like a plan! (She says having drifted for 18 months during Covid so please feel free to ignore 🤣)

@freeatlast2021 - loving the new name! 👏. Your camping sounds like a challenge and I think I might have bailed!! I'm camping next week with the DC and a friend and am hoping for a lot of chilled relaxing, hopefully with some sunshine 🙏

@SummerSazz not so much ‘fake it’ as we get on fine, just like friends, been like that for so long the kids are completely used to it. But I’m not looking forward to spending so much time with him, separate rooms at least though!! And also it’s the feeling that I’m giving him false hope??
With my eldest, he’s very laid back, mature and sensible. I’m sure he will take whatever decision we make in his stride, especially because he will be able to see we’re amicable etc. But he’s got lots to sort at the moment, and lots to think about with his next big step, I don’t want him worrying about us which I know is what would happen.
God we’ve been in the car about half an hour and he’s grating on me already 🙈 wish me luck guys! Hope everyone’s ok xx

I think I've found the thread for me... I have posted another thread recently about living arrangements but feel I need to take a step back and actually decide which direction this is going first.

So sorry so many others are having a tough time too, although its nice to feel it's not just me. @Yellowswan I can relate so so much to almost everything you have said, so thank you for sharing.

Im trapped and going round and round, unable to make a decision to move forward. I just pretend that we are a normal couple when around others but we are not, it all feels fake.
I've been with hubby 15 years. 3 young children (pre school and early primary age).

I love him, i want him in my life forever. I dont want to see him hurt/sad and want him to be happy. BUT I love him like a brother, we havent slept together for 2 years! I just dont feel that way anymore.

Hes an amazing dad. The kids adore him, hes really hands on and it would break his heart to be away from them.

I do everything at home. All executive functioning is down to me. I plan, organise, arrange, sort, buy. All finances are down to me, he has absolutely no idea (he pays for half of everything but doesnt organise the Bill's etc). He does things when asked, if left instructions and I chase it up to check it's been done properly. Its exhausting to be honest. Everything is ultimately down to me. I cant fully hand responsibility of anything over to him. He doesnt initiate anything. We wouldnt ever go on holiday or decorate at home or anything If I didnt plan it. I feel like his mother and I think that hasnt helped in terms of me feeling sexually attracted to him, it hasnt helped at all! Hed have no idea how to organise a mortgage/budget etc

He works shifts which I hate, but an ok wage. He eats rubbish, late at night. We never eat meals togther. He rarely showers. He doesnt take pride in his appearance. I've brought this all up sooooo many times over the years, "I'll change". I think he does intend to, but then 3 days later we are back to normal.

I spoke to him a few days ago. Very honest. "I love you like a brother not a husband, and I dont know if I can get those feelings back". He cried, it was awful. I'm not sure why he was so shocked though, things have been rubbish for ages and I've told him that?! Maybe not as bluntly before. He asked if i was willing to try to fix thing. I dont want to string him along. I'd love to be in love with him and attracted to him again, but i cant see it happening, but it might?! I dont even know if counselling etc would help, they cant make me attracted to someone again?

A few days on.... he has made some effort but I just dont know.

My children come first, I'd chop my arm off to make them feel better, the thought of upsetting them when i could avoid it causes me agony. Id never put my happiness above theres. life is "ok". Can I just put up with "ok" to keep us all togther in one home? Separation means distress, upset, house moves, unsettling the kids, financial difficulties, not being able to see the children everyday etc etc I feel I'd be putting the family through the same amount of distress as I would if he was being abusive etc but hes not, so no one deserves what's potentially to come.

I then think, do others just plod on for the sake of their family? I'm not neccesarily going to be any happier alone, maybe more upset than I am. I wish I had a crystal ball (dont we all) to know if the initial pain would be worth it in the long run for all involved.

Anyway, I know only I can make this decision but it's so so hard. Keep things ticking along, life is ok I guess or turn my entire family life upside down, potentially causing irreparable damage. Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing your stories so far, i can relate to so much and I've felt much less alone.

I will continue to follow your stories and wish you all luck in finding your happy place.

@Yellowswan hope the journey improved! We had some 'moments' on holiday but 75% good. Reminded me that the split has been the right thing to do though. He can get soooo grumpy and I don't need that in my life!

@spottypyjamas sorry to hear you're in the same boat but with younger DC. I think in some ways it's easier as they grow up in a different life and as long as co-parenting is good it can work well. Stbxh asked me a number of time why? Was was grass going to be greener? And I honestly couldn't answer that and still can't (he moved out 6 weeks ago). I don't think anyone can but you have to go with your gut IMO. Can you see yourself with him for another 40 years or even another 15 if you wait till the kids leave home? He sounds like such hard work 😞.

I’m so relieved to find this thread and know I’m not alone - although sorry to find so many feeling the same way too! I’ve lurked for a while reading your stories and it’s been a huge help, but thought I’d pluck up the courage to join in if you’ll have me! I’ve been married 20 years with 3 teenage DCs. Was 20 when we got married and it was all very quick (no particular reason other than being young and just wanting to get on with it!) Sometimes wonder whether we would have got married at all if we had been older or waited a while! For the past couple of years my feelings have changed and although I care about him I see him just as a friend now. We’ve not had sex for coming up to 2 years now and I pull away from any intimacy. I feel awful for doing this but I just can’t bring myself to have sex or be passionate in any way - I just don’t see him like that now! The thing is he has done nothing wrong, so I feel so guilty. But it’s got to the stage where everything he does annoys me which is so unfair. We’ve spoken about it about it a few times over the last 18 months and I explained how I felt. He was very upset, and then somehow just ignored it and carried on as normal. It’s like the conversations didn’t take place! He talks about the future, and behaves like nothing is wrong. The other day I asked him what he wanted to do that day and he replied “you” and winked! Honestly I feel like he’s just dismissed my feelings altogether but maybe it’s his way of coping? He doesn’t ever question the lack of sex - as in he never once raises it as a concern or something we need to discuss. He’s just ever so needy, asks me for cuddles even if I just walk past him in the kitchen, and stupid things annoy me like this morning he was going out to the shop and he asked me if he needed to wear a coat. He’s 42, not 5 - he should be able to work that out himself!

I know I need to have the conversation again. The timing is always really bad (is there ever a good time?!) First with lockdown, and he has been made redundant twice since then, then my mum died last month. I can’t stop thinking about the effect on my DCs, and my dad who adores him and who is already devastated after losing mum. And emotionally I’m not sure I’m strong enough to go through a separation right now while everything is so raw with mum. But also I’m not sure whether I’m emotionally strong enough to stay as things are. It feels like it has been dragging on for so long. And I feel like such a horrible person - when it really is done he will be crushed, and there will obviously be an impact on the children, my dad, his parents etc too. It feels like it’s a lot of people to upset just so I can be happier and I’m really struggling with that side of things.

Gosh. I’m waffling. I’m just so happy to have found people that understand what this feels like xx

@HoneyDaze, firstly, so sorry to hear about your mum.
Secondly, I could have written your post almost word for word, similar age, time married etc. Similar response from him too, just flat out denial and never addressing the issue.
I wish I had some words of wisdom but I’m struggling with exactly the same! But know we are in the same boat and keeping reading/posting here, it really helps xx

Hi all, thanks for all the posts it does help to hear other people's stories although I wish none of us were going through this. I have yet again had that conversation about relationship and intimacy, it just doesn't seem to go in and he starts again on us having more communication and doing more together!!!! I just don't know without being nit picking, which would not be helpful, what else I can say.

@Yellowswan I too have son going to uni but he's my eldest, and no even though he knows we don't sleep together I have bottled telling him I intend to leave, before he goes. Only 4 weeks and I will have an empty nest 😢
@HoneyDaze I am a bit older than you and my experience is that the intimacy or want for it does not return. That doesn't mean I do not want it, just not with dh. I have told him this and he says he's not happy with that but thinks it could get better.... It won't.
Maybe he will only get it when I actually leave?!! Take carex

Hi all, been away for a couple of days, STBXH, DS, DD and myself. Had a staggering conversation with STBXH last night- when he said he was ‘finally putting himself first’ 😮. Just staggering. It should have been a great trip but am just really struggling being in his company- his selfishness knows no bounds even in the day to day minutiae. At least it confirms how right this decision is. He was up late last night in the bar obviously talking to whoever he’s dating and DS said he was under the covers when he got into bed, on his phone. So ridiculous.

Anyway, he moves out at the end of the week and hopefully life will be 'relaxed, no pressure, no stress' like you @freeatlast2021!🙏🏻

Dear new friends, welcome to our little corner. I am sorry you are going through all this, but it is easier when you share with others. I was were you are now just a few months ago. Together with my almost ex twenty six years. He is not the best person in the world, but there was not anything in particular that happened to us, no physical abuse, no cheating, but looking back now, I can tell that we were never soul mates. We have very different personalities and I suffered a lot being the one who was always adjusting, pleasing, giving in. Our marriage got in crises fifteen years ago, at least, so it took me that long to finally end it. To be honest, until last year, January, when I started counseling, it did not even cross my mind that I can divorce him. I was just angry and sad and frustrated and did not know what to do. Talked to him a few times and he would say he would change, but things would always go back were they were. You cannot change a personality. How can he change when most of the times, he does not even realize he did something wrong.

We struggled with intimacy, but never stopped it completely. I guess this gave him a false impression that all is well. When I told him I wanted to separate he was surprised, and reading many, many threads here on MN it seems that men are always surprised, they are clueless. Why this is I do not know exactly. Why they are willing to keep up with an obviously malfunctioning relationship beats me. I did offer my stbx couples counseling which he refused, and after that it was just onwards and upwards for me. I realized through counseling that my marriage is not healthy, that I am not happy, that I do not think things can change and that I am not willing to try at this point to fix it. I just want out.

I will not lie to you. The whole process is very painful and hard. For me it was incredibly emotional. I felt anxious all the time, guilt, shame, fear was killing me. For three months after the conversation, we still lived under the same roof, it was very hard. Few days around his moving out was hard. Few days after he moved out, still hard. I though I was going to get ill and die, that is how hard it was. But three weeks later, feels so much better. Still there are moments when I feel "off", but I am calm, I am relaxed, I have my confidence, I do what I want when I want it, I do everything around the house now but I do it with a gusto.

Please remember, while no one wants a divorce, no one is hoping for one and it is admittedly hard, divorce is not the end of the world. You are not "destroying" anything, you are not killing anyone, you are just moving on with your life in a different way than you did so far. In fact it happens quite often and people live, kids survive and often thrive. You get used to this new way of living, kids do too. People sometimes catastrophize divorce, but it is just a part of life. I look at my stbx, or ex, whatever, and although I am sure he will not admit to it perhaps never, he is already happier then he was when we were together. He bought himself a new car, that he wanted, he bought a new TV he wanted, decorated his new apartment the way he wanted (btw he did a very good job of it), he lives alone, which I think suits him as he was very annoyed with kids recently. He cooks for himself only. Basically just works and comes home to relax. He is living the time of his life. And so do I, but in a different way. Although it is still hard and will still take some time for things to function smoothly, I am looking forward to this new life. Good luck my friends and keep posting.

@HoneyDaze  for your mum. It's really tough although Stbx and I separated 2 months after she died. I do think it gave me some strength to actually do it as she would have hated to have a divorced DD (she always worried so much what other people thought). Although stbx was gutted and the teenage kids too we are in a good friendship place. I fear this may have been lost if we'd carried on not in a good place. And not a good relationship model for our DD's

@BTE152 this was my ex a few months ago - constantly on the phone to his new 'date'. At least that has passed and I didn't have to deal with it on holiday. But the daily minutiae I get... I was knackered going on holiday as work has been mad but not once did he get up with the dog - me up at 7.00 every day whilst he had a lie in. Just one day would have felt like he actually cared just a little about me, but no. Caught up in his own selfish world 😡.

@Scooby2021 sounds like you may need to pull the actual plug as he's clearly not going to. Why do they just want to plod on in a rut I wonder?

@freeatlast2021

Dear new friends, welcome to our little corner. I am sorry you are going through all this, but it is easier when you share with others. I was were you are now just a few months ago. Together with my almost ex twenty six years. He is not the best person in the world, but there was not anything in particular that happened to us, no physical abuse, no cheating, but looking back now, I can tell that we were never soul mates. We have very different personalities and I suffered a lot being the one who was always adjusting, pleasing, giving in. Our marriage got in crises fifteen years ago, at least, so it took me that long to finally end it. To be honest, until last year, January, when I started counseling, it did not even cross my mind that I can divorce him. I was just angry and sad and frustrated and did not know what to do. Talked to him a few times and he would say he would change, but things would always go back were they were. You cannot change a personality. How can he change when most of the times, he does not even realize he did something wrong.

We struggled with intimacy, but never stopped it completely. I guess this gave him a false impression that all is well. When I told him I wanted to separate he was surprised, and reading many, many threads here on MN it seems that men are always surprised, they are clueless. Why this is I do not know exactly. Why they are willing to keep up with an obviously malfunctioning relationship beats me. I did offer my stbx couples counseling which he refused, and after that it was just onwards and upwards for me. I realized through counseling that my marriage is not healthy, that I am not happy, that I do not think things can change and that I am not willing to try at this point to fix it. I just want out.

I will not lie to you. The whole process is very painful and hard. For me it was incredibly emotional. I felt anxious all the time, guilt, shame, fear was killing me. For three months after the conversation, we still lived under the same roof, it was very hard. Few days around his moving out was hard. Few days after he moved out, still hard. I though I was going to get ill and die, that is how hard it was. But three weeks later, feels so much better. Still there are moments when I feel "off", but I am calm, I am relaxed, I have my confidence, I do what I want when I want it, I do everything around the house now but I do it with a gusto.

Please remember, while no one wants a divorce, no one is hoping for one and it is admittedly hard, divorce is not the end of the world. You are not "destroying" anything, you are not killing anyone, you are just moving on with your life in a different way than you did so far. In fact it happens quite often and people live, kids survive and often thrive. You get used to this new way of living, kids do too. People sometimes catastrophize divorce, but it is just a part of life. I look at my stbx, or ex, whatever, and although I am sure he will not admit to it perhaps never, he is already happier then he was when we were together. He bought himself a new car, that he wanted, he bought a new TV he wanted, decorated his new apartment the way he wanted (btw he did a very good job of it), he lives alone, which I think suits him as he was very annoyed with kids recently. He cooks for himself only. Basically just works and comes home to relax. He is living the time of his life. And so do I, but in a different way. Although it is still hard and will still take some time for things to function smoothly, I am looking forward to this new life. Good luck my friends and keep posting.

Fabulous post @freeatlast2021 👏 and so glad to hear you are in a good, albeit hard place. Everything you said resonates and I agree I am doing things around the house with gusto. In part because I know he's not going to come and mess it up 🤨🤣

@SummerSazz yes I know it will have to be me, like pretty much everything that happens in our relationship I have to make the decisions, it's really draining and now the kids have gone I'm just not prepared to do it anymore
@freeatlast2021 yes a great post that gives us all hope and strength, thanks x

@freeatlast2021 thanks for sharing that. Not a rosey, everything is fabulous in the other side story, but a truthful report of the hurt you have gone through but the hope you now have. I wish you lots of happy times ahead.

@SummerSazz thank you. Well I guess I could see myself here in 15+ years time, but still plodding on. I guess that is partly what I am thinking, if I plod on to keep everyone happy, am I sacrificing 15 years of my happiness that ultimately I'll never get back. Life is short.

@honeydaze welcome. Again, I relate to your story very much. Asking about what to wear for the weather! I get this but in relation to other things. Again, something I dont mind answering for a child, but a grown man!!! I am a bit of a control freak and hes lazy and has always been mothered, so the nightmare combo really.
Also on the same page re intimacy. He has said he wants to be close but as it hasnt happened for such a long time now, he will wait for me to make the first move. I just dont think I can see him like that again, I wish I could.

Thanks everyone. I’m so glad I found you all! It helps a bit even to just write it down and knowing that someone understands and I’m not just going mad or being completely selfish. I really don’t think it’s possible to get my feelings back, although I wish I could! So now I just have to find the right time to have the conversation again! It feels a bit pointless if it doesn’t lead anywhere again, but it needs to be done at some point. He really does deserve to be with someone who loves him like he wants me to! I feel like the worst person ever to put him through this though. And the kids - I honestly have no idea how they will react. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just stay quiet and plod on to keep others happy but I wouldn’t be being honest. And I don’t know how he can be happy at the moment with how things are but he seems to be!

Hi All - and welcome to the new posters, thank you!

From a male perspective it is interesting to see the many posts about the male being complacent and just accepting and being in a rut. I think for many men, they are happy to be able to do the things they do - work, come home and be weighted on, play sport or gaming or whatever their thing is. They are happy to not have to “work” for the relationship and assume things will be ok. I certainly can’t talk on here and say that I have worked my hardest at my own relationship with my wife - I don’t make an effort in lots of ways and I don’t do a lot of the “thinking and planning” when it comes to days out etc etc…. However, I do all of the finances, pretty much all of the washing and other chores - I feel I do more than my bit. That element is not shared fairly and for me that drives a wedge between us, has driven a wedge between us. I don’t think my wife is lazy, but she has become lazy and not pro active around the house and general day to day aspects.

The last thing I want to do is to have any intimacy or make any effort from that perspective when I have had to make sure the kitchen is tidy AGAIN etc etc etc

I may be rambling, but hopefully my point is clear. I feel in my relationship that the complacency has come more from my wife, not me. She expects and knows I will do things and so she doesn’t really bother .

I really am rambling 😁

Welcome @HoneyDaze @spottypyjamas

I'm not coping at all today so seeing a good few new posts on here tonight is just what I needed. The intimacy conversation was brought up this morning.. I admit I've been making zero effort. Aside from a cuddle here and there I just cannot bring myself to do anything further. Hes said he's becoming stressed and frustrated but doesn't want to ask to do anything as he doesn't want me to do it because he's asked. He also said that although he knows I have a low libido, he doesn't and if it was the other way around he would still want to please me and 'sort me out' basically. What I got from that comment was that 'if I loved him, I'd still sort him out as there's nothing wrong with his libido'.

I'm not quite sure what to make of it to be honest. It's been draining my brain all day. I told him this morning we need to have a conversation and address what's happening as we're clearly both unhappy, yet now the kids are in bed I feel we're both avoiding it. We're in separate rooms, me watching tv and him gaming.

I don't want to hurt him and all I can think of is everything we've been through in our 17 yrs together, our kids and if I'll regret it. Then my hearts saying do it. I just don't feel strong enough to deal with the pain and guilt and self loathing I know is inevitable.

Absolute mindf**k of a day.