AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@crazyotter you don't sound ungrateful at all. I'm on exactly the same situation. He's doing all the things I asked of him (except doing more with the kids and spending less time on his games on his phone) and I'm still not happy because, like you, I know he's only doing it because I brought it up. I also show no affection, he's constantly manhandling me at every opportunity and it drives me crazy. I just want to be able to cook tea, wash up or walk past him without being felt up or my boobs groped. Even in bed, he doesn't just cuddle, it's hands everywhere and I'm sick of it.
I feel so ungrateful as I know many women who would love that type of affection from their other halves after 17 yrs together, but I can't stand it.
I've told him it's not for me and I don't have any libido (I blame the antidepressants but I don't think it is tbh), and then it creates an atmosphere and his being stressed out and frustrated which he then takes out on dog/kids.

He's told me that I'm his wife, and we're 'in our prime' so should be all over each other and that I should go to the gp about lack of libido... I've not yet been because I know they can't help.

@crazyotter yea, the same happened last year. He asked me to go to the gp to reduce my medication as that always helped my libido and mood. I had blood tests done aswel to 'see what was wrong'. Funnily enough they came back normal..

You're totally right though, it's not a fulfilling or healthy way to live married. I just know it will devastate him and the kids and I don't want to be the bad guy.

Hi all - hope all well and it’s good to hear about people’s thoughts and situations. I guess it’s about keeping going and working to the end goal…

My situation hasn’t changed much really - still feeling the same way and I know that wont change because I don’t want it to! I’m struggling to have the big conversation with my wife. I have written it all down in a “letter” and have toyed with the idea of giving it to her to read - I really struggle to communicate verbally with her and feel like I will crush her too. Not sure if the letter is a cowards way out - interested in your thoughts!

The problem for me, like all of you guys too, is the affect on my health - my stress levels are high and I feel anxious, not sleeping well and need to be able to go back to work at the end of the month with a focused head.

I have started to look at rooms for me to rent locally to see what’s available…

Like is said, keeping on with things as best as!

Thinking of you all 👊🏻

Hi all, great to hear some people are moving forwards positively. @Dazed24 I don't think a letter is a bad idea, at least you can present your thoughts in a coherent manner, rather than things escalating with emotions. I totally get you about the anxiety and I also need to be able to focus for work at the end of August. I look at rentals daily. I feel like I am wishing away and spoiling my time with my youngest before he goes off to uni. Maybe the anxiety is because then it really is crunch time. I am hoping my first counselling session tomorrow will be a step in the right direction x

Thank you 🙏🏻 that is good to hear about the letter as an option. Reassuring x

Keep focused on what you want for your own life - that’s what I keep doing x

Hey everyone. Once again I am reading so much on hear that resonates with me and it’s a real comfort. Those of you who are cringing with physical contact, I really feel for you because I think I was at the point once. Way past it now and he knows not to even try but if he did I would just feel so uncomfortable. My h doesn’t complain about it at all anymore, it’s just accepted. I don’t know if that’s better or worse?? The positive is that I don’t feel any pressure in that area, the negative is that he’s seemingly ok to continue like this. At least if he did bring it up it might start some kind of dialogue.
@Dazed24 ‘I know it won’t change because I don’t want it to!’ - Exactly this!!

Evening all . Well done to all those moving on in small steps and @Tempnamelady I love your chair too. Big hugs for all those struggling - now I've passed the separate housing situation I can tell you it is definitely worth the struggles. I feel a real sense of peace now. @Dazed24, I think a letter is a really good idea, especially if you struggle to communicate your feelings. 👍

Exciting news today, my new bed arrived. Woo hoo!! I will tonight sleep in my own room again for the first time since Sept 2019. I'm SO looking forward to it. Bedside tables are another 4 weeks but that's mere details!!

Oh, and it's my 16th wedding anniversary today, 20 years together. I oddly feel, well nothing really 😣

@SummerSazz oh my gosh! Lucky you, looks amazing xx

@SummerSazz love love your new space ❤️

Gorgeous bed @SummerSazz 😍. To those talking about groping- this was how I felt for such a long time- could t work out whether his approach had become creepy or it had always been like that. Also on meds for anxiety and depression and have been for years but wonder if that has been a factor in my total loss of libido.

@Dazed24 a letter Ford not a bad idea but I would make very sure of the language you use ie. remaining objective and non-accusatory. Writing things down is a bit scary as they can be re-gurgitated later should things become angsty. But I'm sure you've thought of this.🙂

@SummerSazz never mind bed - that view is stunning!

Thanks all - I'm super chuffed with it and it was indeed very comfy. I feel like the princess and the pea!

I would have let stbx (love the alternative version of that ) stay in the house as I wanted to start afresh really, but it is in a fabulous location (I'd have preferred to be in the village) and he couldn't afford it. My parents have both passed away and so I have been able to take it on myself. Rather bittersweet but the DC wanted one of us to keep it and that is me. So I'm reinventing it (and maybe me a little too)

Hope every one else is ok today x

Last night of my holiday - just got the covid results back thank god negative 🙄 so I can go home tomorrow . My poor sister must be completely head f@cked she’s had 4 nights of me crying and oversharing 23 years of marital issues plus the more recent failed relationship . My advice to anyone would be stay single forever . I took up with the absolute love of my life and to have that end in the same year as my marriage finally died has been utterly shattering x

@SummerSazz the bed looks soo good and the view amazing, cup of tea in bed would definitely be on the cards. Had my first counselling session today, not sure what I was expecting but let's just say I will not be doing it again. So did at least make me realise the only person who is going to do this is me, so big girl pants needed and stop beating myself up. Hope you are all doing OK x

@crazyotter when I slept in the same room as snoring STBX I used Asda sleep aid tablets. They worked for me but left me groggy next morning until the first coffee kicked-in. I told STBX he had to do something about his snoring. He said nothing, did nothing, so I moved into another room. It's bliss!!

This thread is just what I needed. I'm starting counselling on my own this week. Trying to unpick whether to divorce or not. Married 15 years, separated or 6 months, 2 DC, no sex for 12 years, husband wants to come back, me miserable! Thanks for all your stories and support.

@crazyotter, my DC are 12 and nearly 14. We live apart from dh as he moved out. He'd been talking of moving out fir quite some time before, but the reality has started to bite now he's on his own in a flat. The kids aren't fussed either way. They find him v irritating and don't miss him, which makes it harder for me to make a decision. Obviously none of us want to be a " broken" family, but here we are!

@crazyotter out of interest how did your H manage to guilt trip you? From what you've said before, yes he is doing a bit more (but feels forced), likes a grope and may well be a contributor to your 'anxiety/depression' - that's in quotes btw not as I'm belittling it in any way but as you've questioned yourself is it really that or just wound down by the grind/crap? This sentence really resonated I know I can’t go on like this, I’m not happy - do try not to feel guilt for resolving this and hope you can get some sleep soon x

@Handoverthechocollate it sounds like the decision is already made! Quite telling your DC aren't bothered. If he was a prince among men for you then they would be and want you to be with that amazing person.... and @MackenCheese sounds like you are similar although are you miserable you are apart? 12 years of no intimacy is a lot.

@Scooby2021 pull those pants up high!! And do not beat yourself up. It's hard so be kind to yourself 😣

We are all away on holiday together this week. Fine so far but def confirms we've done the right thing in separating.

@crazyotter Boots Sleepeaze work a treat. X