AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Tunneling Welcome and sorry you are having such a rough time. I really understand where you are coming from when you say 'Her smile is worth ten times more to me than my freedom from this marriage' but one thing that has helped me is to realise its not an either or situation your daughter can be happy - you can not be married and . I know when we start sharing the childcare and living in different places its going to be hard on my two kids. But we can all be happy again and I can feel my mental health (and my stbeh's as well) dripping away while we all live together in the same house.

Things are really moving here and, even though its my decision to end this relationship (or maybe because of it) it all super hard. I have felt this way at every stage over the last year - like a panicked what am I doing feeling and I think this feeling has left me dragging the whole thing out.

We had another big chat yesterday - normally I get angry and/or cry but I managed to do neither of those things and listened and acknowledged how he felt and how much I have hurt him. We then had more of a practical talk about money. Later on when I was in bed he popped in to see how I was and I had a big cry then and some some not so great things were said but he did apologise this morning for something which then made me cry all over again!

I've now officially changed my address, he talked about taking my name off the bills here which seems sensible. He has also booked in for the mediation - its all so expensive. We have agreed that it can all come out of the joint account which is a relief as I'm right at the upper point of my over draft!

One small win (and it made me smile when people were talking about sofas) - I have just won my bid on ebay for a velvet sofa which is going to live in the flat. Just got to wait till payday to get rid of the old worn out stuff that is currently there.

Hope wherever you are on you journey your doing ok today.

@crazyotter - your sister is very wide.

@Undecidedandtorn yay to the sofa win! I've been wandering round next this afternoon taking photos of the most beautiful green velvet sofa, all the furniture I'd have in my own place and thought of you all and laughed out loud - much to the disgust of the lady in front of me. Maybe she's on our bus too?

Hope we've all had a positive day x

@crazyotter- I did mean wise! I'm so sorry but it did make me laugh after a tricky day.

I have spent an hour this morning contacting old workplaces about my old pensions as I need the value for our financial calculations. . I have always been rubbish at keeping statements. Me and my stbx have come up with a shared parenting plan one week me alone Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday we would have dinner as a family and I would sleep in the spare room so he could stay over and do bedtime. Thursday, Friday Saturday just me and then he could come over Sunday lunchtime so either he could have a long walk with the eldest or I could take the youngest somewhere (soft play, cinema ect). Then we would be into week 2 and I would do what he had done the week before. We have agreed to give it a go and to be flexible. This way we are never more then 3 days when we get to see the kids next.

I spoke to the 14 yo about it and he broke down. He just wants us to keep living together which I understand of course but its just not possible any more. I know we just have to get through this bit but god its hard.

@Undecidedandtorn I’m so sorry your son was upset
I’m overseas on a break with my sister and niece having badly needed headspace. Re sofa stories , this is my rented house with the digs I ordered long before I left the marital home ( huge lead in time ) , weirdly prophetic that it looks as though made for here?

For digs read suite ( how do these typos appear ??? )

[quote Tempnamelady]@Undecidedandtorn I’m so sorry your son was upset
I’m overseas on a break with my sister and niece having badly needed headspace. Re sofa stories , this is my rented house with the digs I ordered long before I left the marital home ( huge lead in time ) , weirdly prophetic that it looks as though made for here?[/quote]
OMG your house looks so good.

@freeatlast2021 thanks ! Combination of a good friend offering me cheap rent and long ordered sofa! I don’t have dependent children and I’ve a good job so money less of an issue but it doesn’t make the future any less daunting .

Love to everyone going through this shit. Have a hand to hold. I always quote the Irish saying ‘what’s for you won’t go by you ‘ and sometimes I even believe it

@Tempnamelady I love that chair! I am sure my son will be OK - the 50/50 split means we will still both see him a lot and I think (hope) that once I have properly moved and we get into the new routine it will be ok.

@Tempnamelady lovely lovely room and great quote. Will repeat this ad nauseum until STBXH leaves the premises😁

@Undecidedandtorn ah that’s good ! My boss has this arrangement and says it works well for her. I don’t see DS much but he’s a grown up and busy with his degree and girlfriend plus he’s very ‘team dad’

Everyone- there’s a new book coming out tomorrow getting rave reviews ‘ Get divorced. Be Happy’ by Helen Thorn - I’m going to order it for the rest of my holiday reading . I got very pissed and maudlin last night crying to my sister about it all.

@BTE152 🤣🤣🤣🤣 yeah do that

Hi, can I join you?
I’m very very early days but at the point I need to tell my husband that I want to end things. It’s Helped immensely reading this thread
Btw...I though STBXH meant ‘stupid bastard ex husband’ not soon to be ex husband 😂

@Nonono11 it can be if you want it to be 🤣

@tempnamelady thanks for the recommendation! Will get it on kindle x

I’ve just bought the book ☺️ Will report back x

@Nonono11 that is fantastic and what I shall now read stbxh from now on hahaha!!!

I also realllly need to have the conversation. It's eating me up inside and I'm more certain than ever that it's what I want. One day I feel so ready to face the rollercoaster before me, then other days I have a bad day with the kids or crisis of confidence and just can't do it.

@Tempnamelady I have been waiting so long for that book. I follow her on Instagram as part of the fabulous scummymummies. She's so funny, I can't wait to read it!

Very suitable here @Nonono11! SBXH(!) has transformed himself from a reasonable (selfish) man to a selfish (selfish) man. He's now got a potential leaving date (thank god) of 22nd, but keeps disappearing to answer the phone when he's arranged to be with DS9. On Monday he 'went for a walk' for an hour without saying anything and last night he disappeared out of the front door in the middle of watching a movie with DS and sat in the car on the phone for 20 mins.

I'm just gobsmacked that he's so singleminded about boarding the shag bus and it's so obvious to the kids 😮

Ok so I’m 2/3 of the way through the book. Hmmmm. Maybe I’m not feeling it as I don’t have the issues around kids (DS is an adult though lives at home with his dad in our home). Maybe it’s because I’m grieving the end of my relationship with the man I loved ( who I left DH for ) at the same time as experiencing the absolute shit show my life is. Also she seems to be lucky to have so much female support.
My own friends are split I know some don’t approve and the rest have been supportive but think I should be over it by now. Today is an utterly shit day and even though I am on holiday I feel absolutely awful.

I still have these days where I think should I ask DH to go back but what’s the point when I don’t love him and I know the type of person he is he would hold it against me ( and maybe rightly so) for the rest of my life x