AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

That sounds really tough @Tempnamelady but I agree with Kione, your marriage didn't sound at all like a place where you would enjoy the next 20/30/40 years. A few months on and you're in mourning for 2 things. Don't be hard on yourself about choices you've made. I'm a great believer in karma and things will work out as they should, whether that's you happily single, back with ex-p once the DC are grown or with someone new. X

@crazyotter I'm awaiting quotes from the builders later this week to knock 2 walls down. I've said I want to be the one to smash the first hole with the sledgehammer. Stbx could never get behind my ideas or vision and I battled for small things and compromised on others . Hopefully I will get my kitchen diner, pantry and double sided log burner which I've wanted for YEARS. Just dreading the quote puts it out of my price bracket and I'll be devastated. So 🤞🤞 for now.

Oh and apologies @crazyotter - I hope you can channel that strength to have the conversation and get H to come on board with it in the best way possible x

@SummerSazz thanks for your lovely words.I hope you get the home of your dreams . I believe a lot of kitchen suppliers do ‘specials ‘ in October as people start thinking about Xmas rather than house stuff.

I’m mad on ‘house stuff’ myself - another thing I miss is my lovely home . I picked everything in it and had it lovely which is another thing that makes me sad.
It’s good to talk on here, real life friends have been great but I know there’s an undercurrent that I should be over it by now. No one at all knew about my affair and I never really shared much about my unhappy marriage either as it didn’t seem respectful .

Welcome @Tempnamelady to the safe space as I call it lately! It's been a huge relief for me reading through posts from everyone on here and I feel heard, my feelings feel validated and with no judgement. I'm so sorry to hear you feel so sad, but I totally agree with others that you certainly do not sound like you'd be better off still in your marriage. I would say you have one life, and you deserve for it to be a happy one, not just plodding along with the most comfortable/easiest option.. however I can't even take my own advice at the minute as I've been doing that for way too long! It's hard, and will take time but I'm 100% sure you will get there. Keep posting.

@crazyotter are we the same person?? Seriously. The whole sofa thing has bugged me for 10 years. 10 fucking years!! We moved in this house 13 years ago and bought simple affordable furniture to 'put us on' until we got sorted as the house was a big Reno project.
After putting up with it for 6 yrs, we were offered a sofa from a family member who was buying another. So we took it. I'm still sitting on the damn thing looking at the furniture we bought originally 13 yrs ago because in his words "it does the job and nothing is wrong with it"! I dream of a relaxing, cosy living room with blankets and the comfiest corner sofa and lovely furniture that isn't chipped and falling apart. Yet I compromise. This is currently every single room in my house.
I do believe it's the symbol of the marriage. I too had a few too many cocktails last night and almost started an argument in the middle of a restaurant about it and wonder if I should just continue that when he decided to crawl out of bed?

I just want a nice bloody corner sofa before I'm 40 to be honest.

@crazyotter the one nice thing that has happened in recent months is I have a beautiful sofa. Not much else but it’s at least something . It’s not wrong to want nice things , we all spend a lot of time at home.

@Tempnamelady Hello. Sorry you have had such a rough run of it. Are you still in touch with him? It just sounds like an impossible situation for both of you- I hope you can find some sort of resolution. I had what my stbex called an emotional affair- I'm not sure I would class it as that myself but not sure else to call it so I know it can cause all sorts of complicated feeling.

@undecidedandtorn not this week. We have periods when we text but tbh I just end up getting all twisted and upset. I did block him for a while but then switched it off. The sad thing is I’ve lost my best friend of 15 years as well as the man I adore. He’s just so honourable , his kids will always come first and rightly so. His wife ( they have the decree nisi but not the absolute ) has treated him hideously ( think police and social services involvement and physical assault ) but has basically blackmailed him into returning home by neglecting the kids. It’s an impossible situation as you say but I have to protect myself because whilst I’d say I’m a pretty resilient type , this has made me feel quite unwell. I’m currently paying mortgage rent and bills on two houses and I simply can’t afford to crack up.
It’s just shit that I thought that I’d bet someone who I was happy to spend the rest of my life with , granted I didn’t think it would be easy with his wife the way she is , but I was ok with that.
I’ve never lived on my own and that’s hard too. I wfh and though I go the gym every day and see my friends there , I do get terribly lonely at night.
So are you ok - coping with it all ? Did your EA carry on ? X

Funny thing I am also decorating my bedroom and have an online cart full of other furniture waiting for me to buy. Cannot wait to decorate the whole house my way. My stbx was is always so cheap when it comes to anything but himself. We live in a coop and the place is falling apart, old and dingy, but he never tried much to make it better. We do have a beautiful corner sofa but everything else is either used or used up. He would get so frustrated if I mentioned replacing something.

I too feel I was cheated out of life. 50yo we were not going out, traveling, we never bought our own place, we do not have many friends. When I met him I was full of life and energy and enthusiazm and he just killed it in me, bit by bit.

Tempnamelady - I've seen him a handful of times in the last 10 months. He keeps on pulling away as he thinks my life is too messy (I can't disagree) and I went through a month or so not contacting him as the whole thing was doing my head in but we don't seem to be able to quite give each other up.

I hope that once I stop living with my stbex and have proper 50/50 we either give it a go (part of the reason we have only seen each other a handful of times is I only get one night off a week and he has a very busy life) or I stop torturing myself over him. We will see I guess.

@loveyourself2020

I too feel I was cheated out of life. 50yo we were not going out, traveling, we never bought our own place, we do not have many friends. When I met him I was full of life and energy and enthusiazm and he just killed it in me, bit by bit.

That is so sad to read @loveyourself2020. But, in the words of Yazz, 'the only way is up'. I'm showing my age (48). I'm determined my 50's are going to be a blast 💥

Evening everyone. Hello to all the newcomers 👋 sorry to hear of your difficult situations but it’s a comfort to know others are feeling a similar way.
Update from me, not much has changed 🙈 Although we have now moved and almost sorted which is good.
I am just becoming more and more sure and less and less scared of what is to come. My thinking at the moment is that we will have to continue to live together for a while. Literally nothing much would change apart from just labelling our separation. Our home set up means that we can live fairly separately, and we do really. @SummerSazz you are the expert in this area, any thoughts or advice?!
The feelings of guilt are the worst for me. He has worked so hard to get the new home up together, it doesn’t feel right to dump on that, but he is choosing to ignore our previous conversations which I just find bizarre. Also, if I’m really honest, reading some of your posts also makes me feel guilty. I make all of the decisions in my house with regards to decor/furniture, how much we spend and what on. He’s not difficult about anything like that. I have total control over my own life. Makes it harder to explain why I feel the way I do but I can’t help it and I know it won’t change.
In some ways I want this all over, in others o think taking time will make it easier in the long run 🤷‍♀️ who knows xx

@Yellowswan I am in a similar position to you, I make all the decisions about everything, its tiring and to me like having another child. I was away at the weekend and the girls I was with decided everything it felt amazing, I need a partner not another child as a husband. Counselling starting next week!! x

@Yellowswan I also made the majority of decisions but he would poo poo a lot of things and I'd end up with 'ok' rather than 'wow'. It certainly feels easier to make decisions now!

We lived in the same house for c.20 months post the conversation when we agreed to separate. Separate bedrooms - he stayed in the master with en-suite and the dc and I shared the bathroom. It was ok 95% of the time, even through Covid lockdowns. He's a great cook, did the shopping, bins and even helped with cleaning. I did all the washing and life admin and most of the cleaning so no feelings of resentment about doing more. He is a untidy bugger though so that used to grate a bit. Interestingly when I spoke to the solicitor about the separation agreement she said the courts might not agree we were separated if we shared cooking/washing/chores etc 🤨. I think that's outrageous as for the dc it would just look petty, combative and mean. If the courts do ask once we are past 2 years and look to divorce I shall say we just did our own.......

The most difficult bit was when he was OLD. And I couldn't move on to even think about meeting someone else whilst we were living together. I'm still not in that mindset yet but if we'd lived together till dc leave home it would be another 6 years at least and I'd like to think I might have a chance at love before then.

Give it a go and see. Along with my belief in karma I also believe if something isn't working you change it - nothing is set in stone x

@Scooby2021 I also had to make all the arrangements for going out, friends, holidays, kids etc. It's exhausting but somehow ok when it's just for you 😄

@Scooby2021 I hear you!! Exactly how I feel. I know I could never be dictated to and I’ve always been the one to make all decisions, but yes it can be exhausting, because he expects me to make decisions for him too, which I am definitely trying to do less of. Thank you I needed that reminder! I think I have to be aware that my guilt sometimes paints him as some kind of saint and he’s really not.
@SummerSazz yes I agree regarding sharing of chores- crazy that the court see it that way! As you say, when you are living with your children it would just look mean. I have thought a bit about this. I do all the washing/cooking/shopping (more or less everything really) but to suddenly exclude H from this would not sit right with me. And 2 of my children are older so they would notice and feel awkward.
I’m definitely up for giving it a go. The funny thing is that although separation would be 100% driven by me, he would be the first to move on. I don’t know what makes me think that but I just do. So he may then decide he wants to move out anyway. Who knows.
I feel as though I could then tell my oldest 2 children, without too much fallout and all have some time to get used to it. As I said, in reality it would change very little, I just need that acknowledgment that we are no longer in a relationship, we are co parents. It is absolutely how we exist day to day anyway x

@Yellowswan I definitely think it was a good period of adjustment for the dc although my eldest (14) did hold a hope I think that we'd get back together. As you say if he does move on and move out it helps lessens the stupid guilt we all feel

Must be so hard when you have young DC I was definitely of the ‘put up and shut up’ mentality when my DS was young . Thinking of you all.
@Undecidedandtorn he’s just text to see how I am , I’m going abroad with my sister and niece in a few hours which he knew . I’m torn ( like your name ) between being happy that hes been in touch and then sad because I miss him and it all churns up again .

Hi all. I'm new here and new to Mumsnet. I've been married 3 years and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. I hope you don't mind me jumping on this thread. I'd like to leave my marriage but, like others, dont have a clue what would happen next as I gave up my career to have and raise my girl and have a low income. I have also been suffering from depression for years, which I try my best to hide, but its ruined my employability and vivacity. My husband and I squabble a lot, and I find each bicker utterly draining. He isn't a bad man, but is lazy and unkind sometimes, calls me hypocritical, tells me I have poor people skills, gets upset when I refuse to take his 'advice' on things like healthy eating (when I choose crisps instead of an apple, for example) which just makes me feel worse. I try to explain that it's not advice if he gets upset if I don't follow it, it's pressure, but he doesn't listen. If it wasnt for my daughter I would have left long ago, but she loves her Daddy and is such a happy girl. When I see her smile I think 'Her smile is worth ten times more to me than my freedom from this marriage' and resolve to stay, but then am faced with the fact that I am living a lie, saying I love you when I don't mean it, and generally heartbroken. I am thirty seven, I have been through so much in my life and am now at the point of thinking 'All I want is to get a little job, A little flat and to see out my days.' I should never have let my depression get so bad but here we are. Thanks for reading this, you're good people.

@lemonmeringue85

Such a reassuring read catching up this morning.

I'm still stuck where I was. Nothings really happening as everytime I bring up the subject I burst into tears and he goes quiet and doesn't really know what to say so I just eventually stop talking and then it's left to one side again. It's not getting addressed.

An ideal outcome for me would be an amicable separation, where we could still take the kids out together and holiday maybe, like a couple of others have said.

I tried speaking to him again yesterday and I think we could be on similar wavelengths, he's just not giving much away. It's definitely becoming harder to hold in, I'm just so scared of the hurt and pain it will cause however I'm slowly starting to realise that my happiness matters too.

I've recently spent a couple of evenings with some friends just in the garden, few drinks gathered round a fire pit putting the world to tights and, for the first time in many many years, actually felt like my old self. I relaxed, had fun and then reverted straight back to an anxious, moody mess as soon as I made my way home. I count the days until the next get together and I've never really felt that with DH. I'm a totally different person.

I like the happy version of me.

I can totally relate to this. I am in the very same place as you right now, I have been acutely paralysed for the last year on this but feeling it really for 6 out of 7 years of our marriage. Two very young, preschool age really but not babies.

I feel like the life is sucked out of me around him. No conversation, no desire from him to have any fun with me however simple. I caught on to this pretty quick after we got married and was totally confused and so didn’t really see my reality for a while as I put it down to kids and maybe this is just what marriage is. But I am so tired of getting nothing and I mean nothing but practical help and practical conversation from my husband. He is a good man and a really good father, but between us nothing. I feel like he needed a wife not me. Also really started to effect my mental health, arriving at no conclusion as I am racked with guilt for him and kids and the fear of the future and hurting the children. But there is no laughter in our house, just this repressed feeling. I am so tired of it. And I am not the mother I thought I would be.

Hi @crazyotter Yes we do sound similar. Yes I'm taking something, but will go to the docs as it's not really working. It is hard. I'd love to know what you decide. x

Hi, Can I join in with this thread? DH and I have finally agreed to separate, after 23 years of marriage. I’m just feeling so sad, and anxious about the future. We will continue living together for the foreseeable future, although when we can afford it he will move out.
I want to tell our DC (mid / late teens) ASAP but he says he’s not ready to yet. This means the rest of our family don’t know yet. I’m worried about my parents worrying about me when I tell them, I really don’t want to cause them stress but I know it will. My family will be a big support but don’t live near me.
I’m keen to get out and make new friends: we have lost a lot of friends over the past few years due to DH general behaviour. I’ve got 3 good friends but that’s all.
Thanks for listening.

@Tunneling welcome! Sorry to hear how you're feeling, I relate a lot to what you're saying. I'm 36, have two children with quite a big age gap, eldest is 11. I too suffer from anxiety and depression, and have been on several different medications before I found the right one for me for a ridiculous 16years.. the same amount of time I've been with my H. I only actually realised this through accessing private counselling recently and as well as dealing with a lot of past trauma, I'm also realising that we shouldn't be together.
I've been living a lie for years, but stayed for the kids. He's a good man and a good dad but I'm beginning to have my eyes opened to his controlling ways through some very good friends and my counsellor.
I hope you find this space helpful and keep posting about how you're feeling, so many here are in very similar situations and, although it sounds awful to say, has helped me realise I'm not alone and not being unreasonable like I thought I was.

@HelpWendy hey 👋🏼 hugely relate. All I can say is after a few months of sharing on here, and making time to prioritise some self care with the help of my counsellor, I'm feeling a bit stronger than I did. Have you been to your gp or sought any support regarding your mental health? Do you have a good support network around you, a close friend you could speak to about things?

@Tornado70 hi there, sorry to hear you're in a similar situation to most of us here. Lots of good advice here and so much has helped me. Really hope you're ok. Could you take this opportunity now while he's still at home to go out and meet those new friends, and make that time for you? Does he go out at all? It's good to know you'll have that support from your family and for me making the decision together to separate is one of the most daunting and scary things to think about so you're making progress already, and realised just how important your own happiness is.