AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Kione

I am having a bit of a wobble today, oil boiler in the new house stinks and tv doesn't work. I wanted to bring the 4 y/o to ser it tonight and move in tomorrow with them but this problem is bringing me down

I know how you feel. Lately, even before my STBX left, the things just started falling apart. My washer is dying, the dishwasher and microwave died and it is all making me feel so stressed. I wonder if some higher power is trying me to see if I am up to this or just making fun of me.

Btw, third night alone was a nightmare. Literally, my dog came to the room a little after midnight as if she needed to be walked. I ignored her of course so she went under the bed and started scratching. She does this sometimes, do not know why, and I do not know how long she did it for but it felt like forever. I must have fallen asleep at some point but started having nightmares that she jumped on the bed and started scratching and growling and I was yelling. Then again, she came this morning at five to go out, I managed to postpone it to six. Anyway, did not sleep so well. Also, I find myself thinking a lot about STBX, what he is doing and how he is.. I guess you do not undo quarter of a century long habit over night.

Finding myself questioning my decisions over smallest things, just the way I used to when he was here and this makes me so angry. I mean, I knew that just because he is not physically here it does not mean that he will not be mentally. Cannot take his criticism out of my head.

@loveyourself2020
Not sleeping well is exhausting, but it will get better.
The fact that you can't get his criticism out of your head is the reasons why you are doing this.
And you will. It will fade.
In the past, I found self-help books helped.

@summersazz It's called nesting (such an odd name for it). It's far from ideal but the other option of either staying here together (I don't know whats worse - the passive aggressive silence or the rows) or me renting which is completely impractical money wise especially seeing as I don't know how long the flat I own is going to take to sell. There is no best option here - just a least worse.

He's been asking me if I've e-mailed any mediation services yet so I need to get onto that today. Its odd - even though the trial getting back together was not great and this decision is 100% the right one taking action like booking a mediator to help us sort out finances feels really hard.

BTE152 Yes I have sleep-walked into this situation. I've had great support from close friends and the children since TBX said he was leaving. I've left the S off as 'soon' is the moot word. He still hasn't said anything to the children. He sits there reading the paper online, doesn't appear to be looking for a flat. I've been busy sorting out my financial position. Made an appointment with a lawyer. I want to find out what effect the new divorce laws will have on timescales. I don't want to do anything to hasten when I have to sell and move. (Does anyone know if you have to sell is that just sell and split the money and rent or does it take into account finding somewhere else to buy?). This could take years, I hope so. I think the key thing for me is to get back to feeling in control. At the moment I feel as if my world has been knocked off it's axis.

Me and husband separated over a year ago, but I still feel so incredibly sad and lost and confused.

I think the relationship was co-dependent - we were childhood sweethearts and had our first child at a fairly young age, so had to grow up very fast; and I think with hindsight, we were both a bit broken when we got together.

I didn't realise how dysfunctional my inlaws relationship was - it was one constant drama triangle and they contributed a lot of stress to our marriage with their dramas. Think physical violence, affairs, addictions with drink and betting - neither had any boundaries.

At the point our relationship broke down, I had taken on a job with poor hours - unbeknown to me, my Husband wasn't coping with the stress of the kids atall well. He was getting increasingly depressed, but relying on me to fix that for him. He totally checked out - describing us as housemates, he didn't seem to want to spend time with me and made me feel like I was a second option
Things came to a head on a, rare, night out when he ended up taking drugs and cheating on me with a friends friend.

It devastated me and the most frustrating thing is that I still can't get angry and think 'fuck you, I deserve better'....instead I mourn our good times, feel sad he fell apart and angry that his stupid parents gave him such a fucked up foundation.
I have stepped back and realised it's not my responsibility to fix him - but I have found the separation devastating - to the point where it makes my chest feel heavy, and my breathing feel panicky, because I'm so distraught that I'm on my own after investing all those years into him. I absolutely loved him to pieces - I thought we were secure and safe; and it has shocked me to the core that he fell apart so easily.

I also feel extremely worried about my future. I was a SAHP for years, supporting Husbands career whilst I raised the children - and I feel scared that I don't have many strings to my bow. I work p/t in a job that doesn't earn great - I am trying to better myself, but don't know what direction to go in - kicking myself that I was content with being a SAHP for so many years and didn't make myself more self sufficient/financially independent.

I have yet to feel that the grass is greener. I still feel utterly broken without my Husband by my side.

@Anonanon1234 I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Do you have a social network/are your own family supporting you?

[quote BTE152]@Anonanon1234 I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Do you have a social network/are your own family supporting you?[/quote]
Thank you.

Well, I have realised that a lot of people that I thought were friends, are just users....so have fallen away from some people since this has happened.

My family are okay...some better than others...but some close members have been very good at belittling all my feelings and implying I should just 'get over it' and get back with my Husband - if only it were that easy ay.

I have had counselling. Some days I feel strong and like I can do it alone, other days I feel confused and terrified and lost in the grief.

@Anonanon1234 sorry your still having such a hard time. Even though its been my choice to leave I recognise those days where you feel strong and days when you feel the opposite. I'm still shocked how quickly my relationship unraveled in the end - we both tried but it just couldn't be saved.

@oneranksenior

I don't think the new law is going to make much of a difference- it just means you don't need grounds. I spoke to my solicitor about it and she said it could take a long while to come in (it looks like it's already been pushed back once) . After that discussion I told my stbex he could use my unreasonable behaviour as grounds - tbh it could go either way but I just want it over with.

We have been together for 19 years so a 50/50 financial spilt is what we are going to do- it grates a little as I had significant assessts before we got together and he had nothing but with my logical head on its the fairest. If one of us was going to have the children most of the time my understanding is the financial split would be different with the split in favour of the resident parent.

[quote Undecidedandtorn]@Anonanon1234 sorry your still having such a hard time. Even though its been my choice to leave I recognise those days where you feel strong and days when you feel the opposite. I'm still shocked how quickly my relationship unraveled in the end - we both tried but it just couldn't be saved. [/quote]
I get it. I was trying so bloody hard to make it work...in my gut I could sense something wasn't right, but I was blaming myself..I didn't realise he had totally checked out and didn't bother fighting for me atall - it devastated me that he threw it all away so easily.

@Anonanon1234* I really tried- for a few months we were together but not really together and spent a fortune on marriage counseling, had a trial separation, tried a trial getting back together - everything. He told me this week he wishes we had just split up in September when the whole thing started to happen.

So there is advantages and disadvantage both ways I guess.

@Undecidedandtorn nesting is a strange term isn't it! So is this just a stop gap until the flat sells and then you can get your own places? I presume it's too small for either of you to go and live there and have kids stay? I hope it sells soon so you can move on xxx

We are pretty much 50/50 financially too although My parents inheritance is kind of ring fenced as mum died just before we split so was never an asset needing to be used in the marriage. That said, I'm letting him take all of his very good pension so it probably evens out abs I feel I've been more than generous. The solicitors pointed it out in our separation agreement so we'll have to see what the court says in sept (we're waiting for 2 years no fault). He's such a spender though that his money will have depleted and mine gone up as I'm a squirreler!

@Anonanon1234 that sounds torrid but please don't beat yourself up about it and lose those so called 'friends'. Life really is too short ☹️. Also when you are thinking of the good times through rose coloured glasses, remember this 'Things came to a head on a, rare, night out when he ended up taking drugs and cheating on me with a friends friend.'
You are worth more than this ❤️

@crazyotter - really good to hear your H has listened at least for a bit. Does it help change your general feelings to towards him or even if he continued would the feelings still be gone so you think?

Morning 

Mixed feelings here this morning. Got my 6th counselling session shortly and cried all the way here. I feel guilt, failure, max at myself for not knowing how to feel or how to fix it, and bloody fed up of this shit.
I try and have a plan or idea of what I'd like to cover in my session before I go, and there's that much in my head that today I've no idea. 2 or 3 sessions in I felt like I was getting somewhere, and today I just feel like a big squashed crying mess.

@crazyotter I completely get it. How do you feel today? Whenever I come close to having the conversation my H tends to step up a bit, like he knows what's coming. Then I just overflow with guilt, wondering if Im doing the right thing or not trying hard enough myself, but like you say, he soon reverts back to the same old habits that got me here in the first place.

@Undecidedandtorn how did the trial separation come about? H mentioned it a week or so ago and now it's as though it was never brought up. Back to head being buried firmly in the sand. Hope you're ok.

@SummerSazz I am in the UK, and have such a huge support network with friends. I'm very lucky in that respect, so many have offered to help. It's just making the move 😢

Sending out hugs and love to those who need it today

@summersazz @Undecidedandtorn

Its is a stop gap- now we have 100% split up I don't think us living together is healthy for either of us. It's not that it's too small for one of us plus kids - it's an hour each way so just too far from schools. It's a bus and 2 trains away and currently both schools are a 10 minute walk. Plus there is no out door area and the youngest loves running around the garden.

@lemonmeringue85 the trial separation came about because I just couldn't do the marriage cancelling any more - each session just left me in tears and wore me out . I said let's have a proper break and we did - I felt a big sense of relief.

Here we go, posted on here over many years . DH -selfish prioritised own needs re active social life, whilst I worked full time in a demanding job , plus prioritised DS above all else
. Husband had anger issues, porn addiction ( not discussed and hugely minimised ) and MH issues. DS now a young adult , I’d replaced affection from DH with an EA ( I know ) with a colleague living a couple of hundred miles away with significant and similar issues with his wife. Ended up in full affair with colleague , he was going through divorce and his partner was violent to him and exhibiting major MH issues.
Cut to end of story my DH found out, I moved out , had three wonderful months with new partner ( basically best friend for past 15 years ), but he is currently partly moved back in because his wife ‘MH’ issues resulted in significant neglect of teenage children to the point where he had no choice.
I’m currently aged 50, alone and renting an admittedly lovely house from a friend . I have a successful career but not much else. My partner has been my soulmate for so long otherwise I would never have looked at another man but now my future looks at best bleak.

I sometime think that I’d have been best at home , at least I was in my own environment, I’d got used to my marriage not being great and replaced it with other interests . I’m not going to meet someone who is like my former partner, I can’t fault him for going back he has always put his kids first and rightly so and that is part of why I loved him.
Just feel really sad 😞

@crazyotter I know exactly what you mean with the sofa. It's not just the sofa, I bet that's a symbol of how everything else is too.

@Tempnamelady I don't think you would have been best at home at all by the way you describe your ex.
How long ago did all this happen?

@crazyotter that exactly how I felt. I am now lying on my sofa bed in the living room of my rented place that I can't wait to do up exactly as I want. I am thinking washi tape!

@Kione couple of months now. I really thought I had a chance of happiness like I saw other people have where their partner puts them first, I always felt incredibly loved and cared for with my ex partner even before we were together. I understand that his children must come first but I am incredibly sad. People just say ‘oh well meet someone else’ but that is the last thing I want.