AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Undecidedandtorn
As far as I know stuff you owned before start of the relationship is only yours, he cannot have a claim on it. But let's wait to see what the lawyer has to say. Also, I believe, inheritance dos not have to be shared.

So finally the day has come, my STBX (or ex), moved out yesterday and I slept in my own bed after three months.

I have to say it felt a bit odd, I did not think I would be able to sleep there at all. I stayed up late with my youngest one talking and so finally it was time for bed. I did have a couple of drinks but I decided to take a sleeping pill too and sure enough I slept like a baby. Dog woke me up early. My STBX would walk her every morning, so this morning I woke up, took her out and when I came back went straight back to bed and slept two more hours. I am exhausted. Yesterday, my emotions were through the roof, I mean we are talking a quarter of a century that we have been together, so there is a lot packed in these years. He was very stressed and angry because kids were not helping him, not as much as he wanted and not with enthusiasm, so he was doing it alone, did not want to ask a friend to help or something. He did not say anything but I could feel it. I kept offering to help but he would not take it. Anyway, I was exhausted, so sleep was very welcome indeed. I can tell that there will be many more hard, painful days and nights before things fall in place, but already I feel like a big weight was lifted of my chest.

Congratulations @loveyourself2020, hopefully this will be me in the next few weeks. STBXH has declared that he is already on several dating forums, even though he hasn't even left the house yet! Now he has got his head around the situation he is full steam ahead- even willing to take culpability for a quickie divorce! It's frightening how quickly we have grown apart really. Whilst I'm happy to move on I do feel sadness for what our hopes and dreams were in the beginning. I wonder if he will feel this too, once the dust settles and he gets his ego massaged.🙂
Welcome @DoormatBob. @SummerSazz I could do with finding the motivations exercise and feel good about me again, well done. While STBXH has spent the last few months working on himself, I too have been drinking too much and not moving enough. I hope to get into a new routine once he's finally gone.

I got my new place keys today and moved the heavy stuff with the help of two friends. I can't wait to move properly but terrified at how son (4 y/o) will react, he is a real daddy's boy.
But I can't wait for my new life

@crazyotter yes, she's a local independent counsellor. I'm south Yorkshire based. Have a research and read some reviews. Most of them charge a much smaller fee for the first session to see how/if they can help and if you'd feel like you could work with them. I knew straight away with her.

@SummerSazz I really need to sort myself out physically as well as mentally. You sound so positive and are doing amazing, hopefully I'll eventually be in that same place.

We're currently away with the kids, it's been a really fun day and now relaxing at the caravan. Was hoping it would help things but I feel more determined than ever that I can't continue the pretence.. I just need to find the guts to do it.

@loveyourself2020 wow 25 years! Do be kind to yourself - that's a lot to unravel and process 💐. It's our wedding anniversary next week (17 years) and 20 together so that will be another moment of reflection I'm sure.

@BTE152 ditto on the dating sites before he left. After 3 ladies he decided it was all too much like hard work 🤨. You and @lemonmeringue85 will get there on the time being right to prioritise yourselves. I've wallowed and treated my body like shit but I figure if I stop now that's the best thing and will give me back my confidence. Thankyou for your kind words about being amazingly positive - I'm trying and taking small pleasures in remembering recycling (again tonight ✅) and ordering an online shop. None of it is rocket science but we have to all take the small achievements and give ourselves a pat on the back, whatever the stage of the journey we are at xxx

@Kione congrats on getting your keys. Another step for you 👏

Hope everyone else is ok and KOKO.....

Can I join in?
Together/married 40 years. I had thought about going our separate ways when the time is right with adult DCs settled, retirement, wanting to downsize the house. We lead separate but harmonious lives.
Recently I started, with his agreement, investigating updating wills which involves looking at our finances. Last weekend when discussing progress of this DH said that he didn't see the point as he wants to separate, for him to move out, for me to sell the house and split the money.
His timescale is for ME !!! to sell the house next summer or within 4 years absolute maximum which coincides with his retirement.
I'm in shock. He never takes the initiative. He may have been planning this for ages. He spoke about no longer wanting to have the same kind of holidays we have had and stopping flying and going off on trips separately 18 months ago. That shattered my retirement dream of going off travelling together.
I don't want to hasten any of this. I want to do it when the time is right for me and the DCs.
Financially we both had the same well paid career pre-children, I gave up work to raise the DCs, then care for elderly parents. I have then worked part-time with very low pay. His career has advanced so has his salary and pension pot.
I do all the domestic/admin work for the family/house. It just seemed a fair way to be. I think he resents my lifestyle as he doesn't recognise my contribution of domestic work and I have time off for hobbies. Though he spends his weekends as he likes.

The strange thing is he hasn't spoken to the DCs, seems to be carrying on like before dropping the bomb-shell. Here I am in turmoil writing a post in the middle of the night. Perhaps he wants me to make the next move and start the divorce proceedings? I won't. I'm in limbo and feel shattered. Can't sleep, no appetite. I've just emailed a recommended divorce lawyer to find out my rights. It seems like the new divorce law is coming in next Spring so that might tie in with him wanting the house sold next Summer?

Hi @oneranksenior. And @crazyotter, It's amazing how we just seem to sleepwalk ourselves into these situations is t it? I thought I had found myself a 'kind'person when I got together with STBXH. Can't believe all the ways he has subtly gaslighted me over the years. Maybe I was just too overwhelmed with bringing up my kids virtually solo whilst holding down a full time job so he could pursue his dreams of becoming a millionaire businessman (this remains a distant dream btw) to notice. Or maybe I was sticking it out for the kids 🤷‍♀️

@crazyotter - are you me? I was married in my 20s in an incredibly dysfunctional relationship (both of us were a nightmare) so I was always compering them.

@kione how exciting to be getting the keys - I'm sure your son will be fine.

I had a session with a solicitor yesterday (£300 but she was highly recommended by a good friend of mine) and it was so helpful. Basically I'm going to have to split finances 50/50 which is slightly gutting as I entered the relationship with significant assets but we have been together 19 years and he gave up working to be a stay at home dad for 5 years so my earning potential, pension etc is so much better than his so it is the fairest thing.

I've made a proposal that we split our time with the children with them staying in the family home and us taking it in turns to stay at the rental place I own and am selling. It'd 3 bed so we can have a room each and once it's sold then I will rent for a bit and then buy. He says he wants to think about it which is fair enough and we wouldn't be able to start until the end of the school holidays anyway.

Hope everyone else is doing OK!

I am having a bit of a wobble today, oil boiler in the new house stinks and tv doesn't work. I wanted to bring the 4 y/o to ser it tonight and move in tomorrow with them but this problem is bringing me down

@Kione There are always teething problems. I'm sure your 4 yo would be fine but there is no harm to changing him seeing it till tomorrow or a few days time.

vm.tiktok.com/ZMdTCNXXf/

Hope this link works!

@Undecidedandtorn that is brilliant 😂

@Kione also having a wobble day. Had a few days away with H and the kids and the overthinking is in full fucking force. I'm on meds for anxiety and depression.. and although I've been so good at taking them recently, I feel like utter shit today. To the point where it's not even just H, it's everything. I text a friend, no reply so automatically believe she's ignoring me (she's at work, rational brain knows she's busy.. irrational brain tells me she's sick of hearing the same old broken record and can't stand me anymore 🙄). I need to go to bed and wake up tomorrow with a new mindset.

@crazyotter sorry to hear your previous marriage was emotionally abusive. I'm beginning to wonder if this is what is happening to me.. so many of my friends recently keep asking me 'is this not ringing alarm bells?' And 'that's really controlling and coercive behaviour'. But I've never looked at it that way before, Yet the more I think about it, the more I see what they see. It's hard to deal with, because I don't know if he means to be that way. What if it's just me taking it the wrong way, or overthinking the reactions?
I hope this platform is helping you, I actually look forward to getting a little notification telling me there's been a new post.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Another day done xx

I am finding this forum so helpful- although its sad to see people unhappy it's so useful knowing its not just you.

Today was a pretty good day as stbxh was at the office and I was home with 14 yo. We had macds and Dr Who for lunch. I've also been looking at sofas for the flat - I'm thinking a velvet one! I have tomorrow off with 14 yo and he's asked if we can play board games and go to KFC for lunch - works for me.

@crazyotter yep I think that's what's happening.. after almost 17 years I'm still on antidepressants, have no self esteem and think it's the reason I'm so scared to go it alone. I don't think I'll manage.. or rather, he doesn't. I joked with DD on the way home today about us moving to the coast and leaving the boys behind, and all he could say was 'good luck living anywhere without my wage'. We then got into a debate about how I'd be fine and he completely shot me down saying I wouldn't cope. Now I'm doubting that I would, it's unnerving me. I'm not on a fantastic salary, it's a part time wage, I bring home about £1700-1800 a month. He's always took control of the finances so I've never had to deal with all that.
Today is making my head hurt.

@Undecidedandtorn I'm taking a leaf out of your book and definitely visiting kfc tomorrow. H is at work, im off with both DC so that's lunch sorted 👍🏼

@Undecidedandtorn that's a fabulous Tiktok 🤣

Great lunch options there - coincidentally we had a kfc on Sunday and never normally do! My 14yo has been lovely despite her not wanting the split at all. I've just ordered a velvet bed so def go for a sumptuous velvet sofa 👍

@lemonmeringue85 I think if your friends are calling out control and coercive behaviour I'd be minded to believe them (they probably see the better side of him....., public persona etc). Crunch those numbers and what you can do with any welfare support (IIRC you're not in the uk?). Don't believe him AT ALL. He sounds like a proper negative Nancy (I have the t-shirt for that one 🤨). Have you got a friend you can sit down and go through it all with? I think it's much less daunting to have someone along side as support.

@crazyotter - WTF???? I really don't think you're the crazy one 🤪.

@Kione - I hope you've managed to get the boiler sorted or an appointment. I know you wanted to move in tomorrow but a few days honestly won't make a difference. We're all on a long game here xx

[quote crazyotter]@SummerSazz I know, right?! Utterly clueless[/quote]
You should get him this mug 😄

Thank you for starting this thread @lemonmeringue85, I too keep checking for updates- it's been so good to have somewhere to vent and not feel alone in the roller coaster ride. What a charmer- as long as they say it with a smile, they get away with it. You WILL find a way to do this if it's right for you.🌼

@crazyotter another WTF?! Also could have written your earlier reply about previous relationships.

@Undecidedandtorn 👊

I meant to say @Undecidedandtorn I'm not sure I could do the 'parents moving around rather than children' arrangement (I think there's a proper name for it 🤷‍♀️).

Mind you that's because stbxh is a messy fucker and I'd despair still walking on his crap and destruction 🙄. I know it does work well for some people though x