AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

I was away camping for a few days and came back today. The house is in chaos as STBX is getting ready to move. I must say that my feelings are mixed. It is sad of course that we are separating after being together for so long, but at the same time, I cannot wait for him to leave so that I can take control of my house, my life, and relax into it. Also, planing some light redecorating, starting with my bedroom. Cannot wait. So far kids are taking it well, so I do not worry about them so much, but I hope that this continues. I am sure that seeing him actually leave will stir up some emotions. "Luckily" (or not), he is actually staying in the neighborhood, so will not be so far away from them.

@BTE152 we'd ended up pretty separate and not talking v much, diff rooms in the evening anyway before the split. Since agreeing to separate (sept 2019) it actually got better almost as the elephant in the room was gone with no pressure for intimacy etc

Since then we've rubbed along ok (a few flare ups) but we kind of had to as living in the same house until earlier this month.

Since he's moved out we've had some prickly moments as he's stressed about all the stuff he's got to do in the house and work busy etc. He just blows up when stress happens so it's a bit walking on eggshells at the mo. It'll pass (it always does) but I'm glad not to be experiencing 100% of it.

DC are ok although eldest not keen to stay at his house. I'm going to have to be strict with a rota come September or I'll have no alone time. She's nearly 15 so it's tricky as she thinks she can pretty much come and go as she pleases. I'm happy to be fluid but I know she'll take it to extremes....

@loveyourself2020 hope you have your house back soon 🤞

@crazyotter well done on the fundraiser - a great distraction activity 👏. I'm lucky in a way that I have a lot going on at work which takes me away a bit so have always had some space

I'm just clearing out the room which is to become his (as he's ordered a bed to arrive on Wednesday and goodness knows where he thinks he's going to put it otherwise).

Just found all our engagement and wedding cards and photos. Had a small weep. Kept the photos in case the kids are interested in them when they're older.

Also found my 'Record of achievement'. Anyone remember them? It had my egg and spoon race certificate and my 10 meter swimming certificate in it. So not all bad on balance.

@ILoveAnOwl I’ve been moving house this week and found my ‘record of achievement’ too 😂

It’s been a nightmare of a week really. So many logistics and although to be fair to H he has more than done his bit, the mental load is all mine. Every tiny little decision and it drives me crazy.

So because there has been so much to plan and move, it feels like we are very much back where we began. H acting as if we’re all normal and good. Planning for the future. I just feel awful. We agreed a while ago that we move and then we decide where we go as a couple. We had the conversation and he knows how I feel. How can he just blindly carry on like it’s all fine? And how do I know broach the subject again when is putting so much time and effort into making this house a home.

And all the time I am longing for a life that he is not in. It makes me feel like the worst person on the world

@yellowswan I was wondering how much the company made who got the contract for those burgendy ROA folders!

I can't imagine moving house with him- moving one room is hard enough. It must be so hard for you. Oh to be rich and to be able to say 'well, this isn't working, let's just buy another house!'

I'm already dreaming of closing my own front door to MY house. One day.

Reading all the comments is reassuring me that I am too doing the right thing.
I get the keys to my rented place tomorrow.
My 11 y/o is excited and wants to stay at mine asap, we haven't told the 4 year old yet, I am planning to tell him at the very last minute because he just won't understand.
But he is a daddy's boy and I am dreading that he will not want to stay with me.
I opened another thread about the sleepover schedules because I just don't know how I am going to do it

@crazyotter not sure if this applies to all people, but, do you feel excited when you think how your life is going to be once you are separated?
What are you missing now that you will change?
I am really looking forward to the simple things like inviting friends for dinner, coffee etc.
Have the house tidy, etc...

As you say the fundraiser will help you think.
The catalyst for me was a gang of new people joining our department at work on a temp basis so they have come without their families etc and most have adult children anyway, and they are always going out doing plans and when I joined them I had the most fun I had in years.
My kids join too, joined them in a campsite for example. It was brilliant.
This is the sort of thing I hoped to do with my stbxh in the past. He has never been bothered to do any of those things and I have had enough of having a sad boring life.
I want my kids around stimulating people and environments too.

I'm not having a great day today. I was just about to go to bed last night when stbex started talking about how badly I've treated him ( he's not altogether wrong ) and how it might have been better to have just split up properly in September.

God - all those relate sessions, the long intense conversations and the rows and the trying again all felt like torture at the time and now he's saying maybe doing it was worse than not doing it.

But half way through the conversation when I was trying to put my point of view across I remembered someone on these thread saying it doesn't matter why it didn't work and I felt calm and I listened to him and stopped reacting and I felt so much better. Tbh if I had just finished things in September then he would use that as a stick to bear me with anyway - I can just hear him now - "oh you just gave up - didn't give things a chance". Just had a little cry in the garden.

I'm now trying to work out if I can afford to rent a place with 2 bedrooms. My dad died last year and I'm getting a small amount of money from his estate- that should be able to pay half for 9 months and I can cover the other half and hopefully by them I'll have sorted my finances and a mortgage out and be able to buy.

Hope everyone else is doing OK- been great seeing people on here get out and about.

@Kione "This is the sort of thing I hoped to do with my stbxh in the past. He has never been bothered to do any of those things and I have had enough of having a sad boring life.
I want my kids around stimulating people and environments too."

Oh my word. This!

I have had the most fun I've had in years and years this last couple of months due to going out more with the kids, my friends and their kids and generally just doing stuff!

Also, what @crazyotter describes with,
"still don’t really know what I’m doing - if we were arguing all the time then it would be much easier. We rarely argue and just seem to get along ok. Not sure if this is enough to put us through a separation 😔" is just the pinnacle of everything I feel.

The more I read on here the stronger I am feeling, the counselling is definitely helping. We're taking the kids away tomorrow for a couple of days to the caravan so I'm going to speak to him again then. I'm starting to feel differently, less guilt (which helps, as, like you @Yellowswan I have felt like the worst person in the world for a long time).

I do hope everyone is ok. @Undecidedandtorn I've finally learnt to go with the bad days, and am now finally able to allow myself them whilst reminding myself it won't feel like this forever. A few months, even weeks, ago I never imagined I'd believe it. But I'm getting there and know it's 100% coming to an end.

I've just never been the best at ripping off the plaster, so big girl pants are being well and truly pulled up this week.

Sending positive thoughts to all - here's to a productive week hopefully

Good morning all and welcome to new friends. I see that we are all in a different stages of our situation but still feel kind of the same. Leaving your marriage is hard, nothing makes it easier. There are some threads on MN where women live in really abusive relationships and still feel guilty for wanting to leave. Mine was not necessarily abusive (although my therapist said that what I was going through was emotional and financial abuse), but I was definitely neglected.

Anyway, last was the last night that we slept under the same roof while not in the same bed. STBX should be moving out today, I mean sleeping in his new abode, and I will finally be sleeping in my bed. I am afraid to say that I feel kind of strange thinking about sleeping in that bed. My therapist suggested I replaced it and I am starting too think she was right. I just suddenly feel uncomfortable thinking about sleeping in THAT bed again, all by myself. We will see. I am planning to spend some money on redecorating but was not planning on replacing the bed, especially not the mattress, but we will see.

I am extremely anxious person, been like that since I was a child (not diagnosed though), and usually in the morning I feel the worst. This morning I woke up at five and all kinds of sick and painful stuff just piled up on me. I do meditation and yoga and still this is regularly happening. Anyway this is a tough day for me and perhaps a week and a month. We will see.

@Undecidedandtorn Yes, I might have mentioned that the reason why is not important, what is important that you want it. And it is true, because that his the bottom line, you want out. Perhaps you are abused, neglected, ignored or you just grew apart, but once you start thinking about leaving there is no going back and no explanation can make it easier for your partner or for yourself. That is why I feel that long conversations and explanations may be worse than just short and straight forward. While we all want to do our best, to try the hardest so that we know we did not just give up, again bottom line is the same. You are not happy and you want out, so rip the plaster off.

I wish you all the best and hope that one day we will gather again sharing our success stories about the life after marriage. Hang in there and keep posting. It does help to have this safe place where you can say what you want and get the support from those who are going through the same.

@lemonmeringue85 - good point about the bad days. I've had some really dark days last year but things always get better at some point.

@loveyourself2020 You should by yourself a new bed if you can. One of the things that keeps me going is thinking about when I finally buy a place just being able to kit it out how I like.

I've done something today I feel guilty about. We have been talking about having legally binding mediation which I think will work but previously and today he's talked about a flat I brought well before we met and he has never put a penny into (it's been rented out this whole time) being half his.

Having Googled it I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a claim (and even with the money from the sale I'm still going to have to get a hefty mortgage so can't afford to lose half) so have e-mailed a solicitor about getting some proper advice. I even said to him that once we have had the mediation we could each get independent legal advice so why do I feel so terrible?

I've had a really emotional day. I'm realising that I totally curtailed my ideas for fun, travel and dreams when we moved in together. I was only 22.

I've spent the last 20 years thinking things like "I'd love to go to (insert place) on holiday. But he'd hate it/follow me round like a sulking teenager. So I won't bother." or "my favourite band/comedian is doing a gig. But he'd hate it, so I'll go with a friend". We don't share interests at all and I've sacrificed most of mine so he doesn't ways get left at home alone.

Friends are having weekends away, going out for dinner, heading for the hills for the weekend. We're doing nothing, and it's because I've stopped organising things, and he's never tried.

I was in tesco and burst into tears because the song with" I should have bought you flowers, and held your hand" came on.

I went out on my own for 4 hours today to meet friends and exercise. It was wonderful. Then I came home to him sulking.

I'm trying to talk to him but he's not really listening.

Yes, kitting the new place up is a great feeling. I have no attachment to this house whatsoever because it's shambles

@Wobblinglockdown This sounds familiar although this has really just been the case since the kids have come on the scene. The last big night out we had I was so excited but he had nothing to say to me.

@WobblingLockdown OMG I could have written this. This is one of the reasons why I am leaving. I may be middle aged woman now, but there is still life in me.

@loveyourself2020 and @WobblingLockdown ditto here too. Although I did used to just go off and do stuff on my own or with friends it's always niggled. My lightbulb moment was when I'd booked (and paid) for 2 weeks all inclusive in Mexico, we saw turtles laying eggs, hatching and swam in the sea with them; saw Mayan temples, went to a huge ecological park and swam in a lazy river, ate amazing food and even experienced a tropical storm. His appraisal: it was ok but I'd have rather gone to Finland 🙄. From that point on I started to question what our retirement would be like if we had such differing views on enjoyment.....

On the positive side I had an Ocado delivery (Douglas in the lemon van) this morning - I hate supermarket shopping for the weekly mundane shop and Stbx used to do it. Now I've actually set it all up I think it's going to be a game changer for me. I've also got a whole bedroom's worth of furniture in a basket online ready to check out. I'm going to revisit it tomorrow to confirm I'm happy and hopefully just go for it

@Undecidedandtorn he sounds like he's playing the proper victim card that you couldn't win either way. I hope you can find a nice place to rent 🤞

@Kione all the best for tomorrow and I hope your son does come with you x

@loveyourself2020 I hope stbx's departure went ok and you have a restful night in your house on your own

@lemonmeringue85 🩲 🥊

[quote Kione]@crazyotter not sure if this applies to all people, but, do you feel excited when you think how your life is going to be once you are separated?
What are you missing now that you will change?
I am really looking forward to the simple things like inviting friends for dinner, coffee etc.
Have the house tidy, etc...[/quote]
I'm starting to think like this now and I'm not the one whose feelings have changed. I'd very much like a relationship with DW but to be honest it hasn't been right for years and has just got worse.

We haven't spoken about it yet but I get the impression she is making her own plans. She has barely spoken to me for a month now.

As much as I love my DW at the same time I hate how my life is affected by her lack of get up and go. I'm scared to ask permission to do anything for myself.

I do more hours work, more time sole childcare and more housework. No idea where it went wrong.

Haven't read the whole thread, will do later. Was actually looking for a similar one I read a few days ago. Seems to be a common topic.

Welcome @DoormatBob and I hope you find this thread a good support. @Dazed24 was here too in your situation & hope he's ok too 🤞

I've been treating my health pretty poorly over the stressful time of stbxh moving out and the few months before. Drinking and eating crap so have started on a self improvement journey! Today I went for a run for the first time in almost a year and have ordered some alcohol free beer and gin. Back on the low carb eating and hopefully I can shift the stone I've put on 🤨

@crazyotter I'm currently seeing a counsellor alone. She was recommended to me from a friend and it's been the best, albeit expensive, thing I ever did.