AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@lemonmeringue85 the whole physical contact thing sounds difficult, I really feel for you. I’m at a similar point to you but any physical contact ended a long time ago. I could not bear to go backwards on that and he is fully aware and wouldn’t attempt it. Another reason that I cannot understand why he is happy to continue like this because writing that down makes it sound an incredibly unhealthy place to be!
Sorry I don’t have any practical advice but sending solidarity xx

Hey all, been a difficult couple of weeks here, going through much the same as everyone else. Big argument then actually talking and told him I wouldn't be staying after son goes to uni, he's broken and I am beyond sad but know its the right thing to do. Also had our wedding anniversary this week, 26 years oh and started hrt, such fun times. Can't remember who mentioned their mum but mine just asked who was to blame when I told her...!!! Now have 6 weeks of summer holidays, so doing decorating, lots of sorting and keeping busy. Small steps. X

@lemonmeringue85 that sounds incredibly hard regarding physical contact. As with @Yellowswan ours had dwindled to pretty much nothing but as soon as we'd started the conversation it had stopped. He really shouldn't be pushing you into it . It sounds like it's time to completely rip the plaster off and set out clearly what you want - men don't take hints IME!!!

@Scooby2021 well done for having 'the conversation'. It is so unutterably sad, especially when they are not mean or abusive. Good luck with the decorating

We are having a nice time away but many things remind me why I don't want to be married any more! 2 years separation for us is up in Sept so I'll have to start thinking about the actual divorce which I think will reopen the wounds somewhat even if it is the right thing to do.

@lemonmeringue85 the physical contact all stopped after I flinched away one day and said I didn't want to be touched at all anymore. That was not a nice conversation, but it had to be done.
Now he doesn't come near. We even have separate duvets now (no spare bed available) and I sleep so much better knowing I have even this tiny bit of my own space.

However I can't get him to see that this is not a marriage that can come back from the no intimacy issue. He keeps saying that it's just a phase.

I'll get onto relate and see if they can offer us anything at a time that Mr Inflexible will agree to.

Like a lot of you, my boundaries are still blurred: one minute I'm crawling the walls wanting to escape, the next I'm wanting to book a family holiday (with an extra bedroom).

Dear friends, I am reading your posts and thinking how strong and brave you are and so proud of you for setting boundaries re physical contact. For some reason, I lost interest in sex decades ago (I know very very sad), but i knew that for my husband this was important, so I worked really hard with my self to "make myself available" once a week. It was so hard and very off and on over the years. Sometimes we would not have sex for a while, but last few years it was actually quite regular. We picked a day that was best for both of us and would mostly do it. But my this would take so much work on my side to put myself in the mood. I strongly believe that the reason why I was not into sex is problems we had with our relationship of course.

Just before I told my STBX that I want to separate this is the first thing that went through my mind, continuing to have unwanted sex. No! I thought to myself, I cannot do that any more.

@Nat6999

We had been kind of leading separate lives for ages, if he was upstairs I was down, if he came down, I went up, we slept separately but in the same bed iyswim, we hadn't had sex for probably 9 months except for the rape, I couldn't stand the sight of him, everything he did annoyed me. I have never regretted leaving him, the only thing I mourned was losing the house I loved.

Why did you lose the house of it was yours?

@crazyotter welcome. Sorry to hear you're on the marital struggle bus too. Hopefully you'll find this helpful and reassuring that you certainly aren't on you're own xx

Hi all. I felt exactly like this and told my husband I want to separate about a month ago. He has been trying to make me change my mind, and acting like nothing was happening, whilst in the background I found a house to rent and been seeking support from friends.
Told my DD11 on Sunday, she was shocked for a bit and cried, but understood.
I think soon to be ex thinks I am just going on a holiday and return to the family home at some point.
I can't actually wait.

Mean to add that the perspective of packing and moving while he is still here is horrible, he is not working at the moment.
And me being the one leaving really worries me re. the house is on his name, will kids feel like my new place is not "home", etc.

Hi all and welcome @crazyotter and @Kione. Well, I'm continually clock watching here. STBXH spending most of his time out of the house transforming himself into a sex god 🙄. I wish this didn't bother me but I've got too much time in my hands to overthink. End of August can't come soon enough but I also do t want to wish the holidays away- this is usually such a lovely time.

Hello
Please may I join? I am totally in the same boat and have read this thread about 3 times through (all 14 pages) amazed that so many people have written exactly what I am thinking!
In short: we are both 48, 3DC and I have been unhappy for years but no courage to destroy the peace.

We have been together since our teens and I feel like a completely different person now, whereas DH does not appear to have changed at all!! I thought we would grow together over the decades, but it seems I've grown and he's just stayed where he is. Even DH has pointed out recently that we seem to be completely incompatible, but I can't bear to actually bring up what is the obvious next step, and he doesn't seem to realise that there might be one. I think he's waiting for me to revert to a party-going, globetrotting, thrill-seeking 20 something when the reality is I would very much like to potter in the garden with a cup of tea and then have an early night.

I totally have the ick physically with him, and feel like there is no attraction, we have nothing to talk about, we see the world differently. Our sex life is basically non-existent as I go to bed 3 hours before him, but I'm relieved that makes it impossible as on the odd occasions we do (down to 1-2 times a year now), I'm just doing it for him and it's all fake.

But we get on ok :( I just don't want to spend any more of my life with this person. So chucking a hand grenade seems so over the top. Absolutely stuck in a rut with this, but reading your stories is helping me forwards a bit.

I am a planner and need to have everything straight in my head before I can say anything, but I'm also aware that this is very much procrastinating because I am scared of pulling the trigger :(

@alansugarsarse you are already making a first step which is thinking about possibly separating/divorcing. I was unhappy for years before the thought crossed my mind that I could acctualy end this marriage. It took couple more before I did it. I have to say that for me counceling helped. After only a few sessions of me being angry, sad, frustrated I came out with a clear thought, I do not want to live like this any more. I kept looking for a reason why, for an excuse, for a fault in my husband (which there we many), but the bottom line is, you are not happy and you want out and that is a reason good enough. Us women we spend all our lives taking care of others, making sure other people are happy that we forget to take care of our selves and our own happiness. Good luck to you amd keep posting.

@loveyourself2020 I think you are completely right about spending time doing things for everyone else, and that's why finally doing something for ourselves is so hard, I know it's what I want but I constantly think about my children (adults really) and what happens at Xmas or how difficult it will be for them, even though they (the older 2) only come home a few times a year for a couple of nights. I know these things will work out but it just goes against everything I have done for such a long time

@scooby2021 - my parents split up when I was an adult and still spend every Christmas together until my dad died. I hope that me and my STBX can do the same - I am sure if other partners come along then there might be some added complications.

@Kione - I worry about this myself - my children have only ever known this house and my teenager is such a home body, I have been looking on line at places and I need a place with a large bedroom for them and a large garden as the youngest loves to run around outside.

So everytime I start wavering, he does something to remind me why I'm doing this. Today is finding out the gas bill hasn't been paid and then that he's booked the wrong weeks off work so all the plans I had with the kids now need to be moved. Next year I won't be so nice, but just need to get him out of the way a bit before I start being a bit more hard nosed.

I've contacted a solicitor. The first one never got back to me.

How did I put up with so many years of this bullshit????!!!!

I had a lovely evening tonight, as I met up with my hobby friends for the first time since lockdown. So much chatter and laughter, it was amazing. Contrast with DH when I got home, monosyllabic, barely looking up from his screen as I'm talking. Not interested in the slightest,not really listening. I realised I felt human again this evening and his behaviour is a stark contrast. I am probably just a bad though, when he moans on about work I just switch off. Our lack of communication is staggering.
But this morning first thing I thought was relief that there was nothing bad on the horizon today, then realised if I pull the trigger it's going to be hell for god knows how long.
I just wish I had a magic wand and could make him disappear!
I have a feeling the cracks are starting to show on both sides and one of us is going to light the touch paper soon.

Its so important to get out isn't it. I'm going out once a week - normally dinner with a friend like I'm doing tonight or, if no one is free, I take my self to the cinema and see whatever I want with whatever snacks I want.

@alansugarsarse your line about preferring to potter round the garden resonates with me too. Upon decision to split, STBXH is metamorphasizing back into his 20 year old body whilst I feel there's no point in even thinking about it after two kids and I just want to accept the inevitable and relax into it without feeling inadequate about my sags and bags 😁.

@ILoveAnOwl haha! I've just spent a night away with STBXH and spent most of the time feeling exactly the same.

(This probably makes me sound awful. He's taken up the habit of chewing gum all the time which I hate- all I've heard is the sound of his jaws masticating 🤢.)

Welcome to the new joiners and hopefully your journeys aren't too traumatic 🤞

We've all been away with joint friends which was lovely as we can avoid each other mainly (although he did give me grief about not training the puppy enough 🙄)

I went away with work and had a lovely time but got back yesterday and the dog hadn't been fed or walked 😡. I do it every day if I'm physically here but stbx and the kids had just not bothered. A conversation was had.....

Otherwise all ok, being a single parent houseowner has been good so far. Have sorted my study which is lush, now just need a new bed + furniture and remodel the kitchen. I don't want to rush into any of it though if that makes any sense?

@BTE152 chewing gum is a real turn off.

As is 100 mile an hour reaction to stuff which stbx is still demonstrating and makes me continue to be happy that this is the only route to take

@SummerSazz I don't know if you're going through similar, but since the decision was made we seem to be diverging completely. Probably more on his part than mine, but with each day I wonder more and more how we tolerated each other for so long.