AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

Hi @loveyourself2020, I k ow how you feel. Am also struggling to sleep as my mind races around pointlessly. I've got more time on my hands atm than I would normally and it's playing havoc with the anxiety spending more time alone thinking.

I told the kids this week as well- big mistake, as although we had agreed it might be better playing things down and letting it emerge in general conversation, I've now lost the moral high ground as 'D'H is complaining now, that we should have done it together. Agh.

@BTE152 Oh, I am sorry this happened, but the thing is in these situations there are no perfect ways of doing things. When we told our kids, my STBX was there but I was talking alone and all he said in the end was, "just to clarify, i have nothing to do with this, I do not want divorce, she does". I thought doing this together would be better, but I wish I had done it myself, alone, as I would have felt more relaxed I am sure than having him behind my back sulking, totally useless.

Thanks @loveyourself2020. He's very good at just clamming up then I have to just second guess the whole time.

Look after yourself- there are things the doctor can help with, short or long term, to deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety. But I'm sure you know this.

I don't know about you but posting here is helping. @lemonmeringue85 I hope being further down the line, we're not hijacking your OP?

Sorry to hear some of you are having trouble sleeping- so been there but seem to be OK today. Was doing OK but stbex is pissed off with me right now - completely my fault. I'm away with work right now and tried to text him some words that I thought would help and I've just made things worse. He is also pissed off that I'm staying away for the night - I've told him so many times that he should get away but he does nothing about it.

@BTE152 not at all! I regularly dip in and out and check how everyone's doing, quietly in the background. I'm dealing with quite a lot of unexpected past trauma that seems to have surfaced through my counselling and if I'm totally honest, I'm really struggling, all I do is cry.

Life feels like I'm climbing a mountain right now and the feelings, or lack of, towards the OH really isn't helping. I feel like I'm drowning.

@Undecidedandtorn why should he be pissed off because you're away with work? I have this same issue with mine. I can't enjoy a night out with friends or time away from him without being completely guilt tripped. I need the time away and when he makes me feel bad about doing that, I don't enjoy myself anyway because I'm sat worrying about how unhappy he is about it.

I give up. I don't know what to do anymore.

How is everyone else? Hope you all have nice weekends planned in this lovely weather xx

@lemonmeringue85
Dear lemon, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time, but I really think that this is "the worse" before it gets better. I realized that separation/divorce is like a childbirth. The idea sits there for a long time, inside of you and grows, grows, and than the moment comes when it has to come out. You can not push it back, it is ready to be born. And when it starts it hurts like hell, and you wish you can push it back and go home and forget about it (I literally was telling my husband, with my first child "he is not coming out, please take me home"), and then you push the head out and it hurts even more and you wish you can stop but you cannot, now, it all has to come out or else. Once the baby is born though, while there may be scars, fatigue, some depression, all in all you feel much, much better. A new life has been born and you move on.

I find the process extremely painful, both emotionally as well as physically. I mostly cannot sleep, unless I take a pill, I ache inside me, mostly around my tummy, I ache for me, my youth and all the possibilities that I missed, for the young women who I was and who was forever changed and lost for me, I ache for my husband, and the pain I am causing him although he is mostly the reason why this is happening but he is unaware, I ache for all the dreams we dreamt together that will never come true, all the dreams I dreamt as a young women that will never come true because it is too late. But amidst all this pain and suffering I get short breaks where I think to myself, this is what I want at this moment in my life, this is what will bring me piece, this is what will eventually make me happy and content, b/c I was not happy and content for a very long time in this marriage.

Therapy helped me clarify what it is that I want and do not want from life, taught me boundaries, taught me that I deserve to be happy, that I am not responsible for other people’s feelings and it does not matter what my husband did or did not do to me, the fact that I want out of this relationship is good enough reason to do it. Because what I want matters, my happiness matters. As for the kids, I know that it can be hard and of course much worse if the kids are smaller, but I think that people overreact a little when it comes to kids and divorce. Kids will not be destroyed, devastated, broken, and lost forever. Some may be, but most will not. Sure they will no like the change this will bring to their life, but they will adopt, kids are very resilient you see. They are much stronger then we give them credit for. I see it all the time, kids whose parents are divorced are perfectly fine. Not much worse than those of us whose parents stack together. Just remember, all that kids need is love and reassurance that you will be there no matter what.

I am sorry for my blabbering, and I apologize if I offended anybody with this but, just trying to help with my own perspective.

Hi All - I think this last post has some very wise words in it for all of us. As a man, one of my biggest fears and stresses is that I am abandoning my family and it is taking me a long time to be reassured that I am ending my relationship with my wife, not with my daughter. I know deep down that she will be absolutely fine and will cope with things. I will always be there for her and never abandon her, although it is hard to be comfortable with the new way of being a Dad to her.

I also struggle with what I perceive as the selfishness of making a decision that suits my feelings - I’m not happy and I don’t want to live like this forever more. I want more and I need more - I don’t know what this want and need is yet, but I know it isn’t what I have with my wife. Living separate lives is no way to have a marriage or bring up children - I just need to get this over to her. I can’t really understand why she is happy with so little from me - I guess she has just got used to it. Although, I do a lot at home - more than she does I would say so maybe it suits to just be the way it is for her.

Keep going - I’m sure at some point we will all get to the point where we can be comfortable and at peace with our own decisions xx

@loveyourself2020 Thank you so much for posting that. It's made me feel a bit emotional in a good way. My parents stayed in a dysfunctional relationship with each other which also caused me harm so I think it's important for me to remember that staying together for the kids isn't what it's made out to be.

I had a lot of therapy last year and sometimes I would say "if I split up with my husband" and although she was totally professional I know she was internally rolling her eyes - like what are you talking about - clearly your not staying with him. She talked about all relationships having their highs and lows and I realised ours didn't- what with his passive aggressive nature and me bottling everything up we never dealt with any issues . In 19 years! I mean- that was some build up.

Some fabulous posts from @loveyourself2020 and @Dazed24 (it's nice to have a man's perspective here too) and I've felt/am feeling everything posted here.

From a bit further down the line, DD1 who has railed most against this, she has asked to pop into her dads house this afternoon for a couple of hours and hang out (mainly because he's bought her a gaming chair I think 🤣). It's real progress but small steps all the way. He's still taking them to school and picking them up so they are seeing him daily and FaceTiming him at night. We took them out for lunch together after their last day at school which was nice and he popped into a bbq at our neighbours yesterday evening.

I still feel guilty, especially as we do still get on so well but I'm still true to my feelings right now that it was the right thing, despite the pain felt by all of us in different ways.

@Dazed24 your quote of 'I want more and I need more - I don’t know what this want and need is yet, but I know it isn’t what I have with my wife' hits the nail on the head for me, so we shall see where this takes us.

@lemonmeringue85 sorry to hear you're struggling - keep posting and hopefully we can give some comfort/support 💐

Just got round to opening the post box (DH always did it as I said you only ever get bills these days....)

My friend has sent me these 😊. Love good friends at times like these ❤️

@Undecidedandtorn
I am glad my post was helpful to you. Yes, in fact my father was also abusive and my mom never left him. I think that this changed my whole life, not for the better, I am afraid. Also this what with his passive aggressive nature and me bottling everything up we never dealt with any issues . In 19 years! I mean- that was some build up. resonated with me. My relationship was the same. There was no yelling, screaming or such, just a lot of silent treatments and swiping under the carpet sort of stuff. Nothing was every solved. This seemed to work for him but for me, it was just piling up until it became an avalanche. Anyway, I say keep posting, that is all we can do at this point, keep posting and keep giving support and encouragement to each other.

@SummerSazz
From a bit further down the line, DD1 who has railed most against this, she has asked to pop into her dads house this afternoon for a couple of hours and hang out (mainly because he's bought her a gaming chair I think). It's real progress but small steps all the way. He's still taking them to school and picking them up so they are seeing him daily and FaceTiming him at night. We took them out for lunch together after their last day at school which was nice and he popped into a bbq at our neighbors yesterday evening.
Glad to hear this and this is what I am hoping for. No matter how much I cannot wait to start my life without STBX I feel like he should be around at least while kids are still with us. If nothing for birthdays and holidays. And like I said, do not worry about the kids, I am sure that they will adopt, perhaps sooner then the adults.

And yes, while I do not feel comfortable every time a man wonders into our little lady circle here on MN, I too appreciate @Dazed24 perspective and insight.

@loveyourself2020 love the analogy- makes so much sense. And as @SummerSazz said, @Dazed24 it's reassuring to read things from another perspective.

@lemonmeringue85 you are feeling a lot of stuff right now. Hand hold to keep your strength up. It seems there is a lot to deal with but also that you are on your way to a more peaceful future, just as @loveyourself2020 describes in fact.

Hope you're all doing OK?

Yesterday I saw my lovely friend for the first time in two years as my stbxh managed to nearly decimate our friendship with his fuckwittery.

She has had a shitty time of it and I'm raging that I allowed him to put us in a position where I couldn't support her through it. But I got to meet her 3 month old daughter yesterday. It reminded me why leaving him is totally the right thing. I'm going back to see her again next week with the kids.

Conversely, I saw my mum who is sad that I didn't meet someone else first before leaving him. Because obviously adultery would be the answer to all of my problems right now?!

Hi everyone

I've been away for an amazing couple of days with the girls and had an absolute ball! Back in the land of the living now and ready to face the music again.

Didn't really leave on great terms, trial separation conversation was thrown about but while I've been away he's been messaging like absolutely nothing has happened and asked how I feel about taking the kids away in a couple of week. It's like banging my head against a brick wall.

I know what I want, I just don't feel strong enough to deal with the fallout before coming out the other side. I feel weak. Do I keep up the pretence until I'm prepared and in a better place or just rip the plaster off and hope I don't crash and burn? Going to sit and talk tonight and hopefully get some clarity from him. Splitting up is not what he wants.. but I don't feel we're going to get this back on track.

Sorry, I feel like a broken record 😞.

How is everyone else doing? Xx

@ILoveAnOwl - I am so pleased you got to see your friend and that it reminded you of why you are doing this.

@lemonmeringue85 - glad you had a great time and I feel like you are now where I was a few months ago which is in some ways the hardest part.

I am now coming out of the other side - neither of us could sleep on Monday night and had an almighty row at 2 am! But it cleared the air so it was helpful. We had our last joint session with relate today - I think STBX is going to carry on having sessions by himself which is really good. I even spoke to him about some of the practical stuff about where I would like to live and that we want 50/50 with the kids but we are unsure about what that might look like.

So moving forward very slowly but in the right direction.

Well, one more hurdle is cleared today. We went to the bank to transfer all the money back and forth and to close our joint accounts. I have to say this was really hard. My STBX was really upset, he mentioned that the last time we were at that bank we were asking for mortgage (we never used btw). I was trying to look brave, but I was so anxious I though I was going to pass out and of course these things last so long. It was an hour long appointment. Divorces are hard, no question about that.

A few more days to sleep on the floor and btw our room is like a storage space as my STBX has been buying some furniture and other stuff for his apartment and storing it there. It is even more unappealing this room now and I cannot wait for this to be over. On Monday I am going camping again for five days and in that time he should be packing. I did not plan this but turned out great. I do not want to be here for that. He should be moving out on Aug 1.

I know that I have been thinking about this and wanting it for ages, and I am definitely tired and anxious enough and want it to be over soon, but at the same time it feels like so soon and sometimes, like a bad dream or something. So weird. I need a lot of hand holding these days.

@loveyourself2020 I know just what you mean about it not being soon enough and also too soon. I can't believe that I have to live in the same house as my ex for the next 6 months at least but at the same time I can't believe only get to live full time with my kids for the next 6 months. Ahhhhh - its an impossible situation isn't it.

@Undecidedandtorn Yes, this is all very, very sad and painful. I am staying in the house with the kids. Only one of them is minor and she will live with me. We do not have a set schedule for visits as my STBX literally said:" Kids can visit me whenever they want". I know that he might have meant this to be generous of him, but to me and perhaps the kids too, it looks like he does not care and also will leave it up to them to decided if and when they will visit. This puts too much pressure on them and basically puts them in position to be responsible for their relationship, which is really wrong.

Anyway, I am glad, of course I get to stay here with the kids (the house is a rental as we do not own any property), but still it is all very painful. I have been with my STBX for 26 years.

@loveyourself2020 - that is such a long time! I have been with 19 years and that feels long enough. I think kids needs scedules - nothing wrong in having some flex in that especially with older kids but I feel there needs to be some certainly there at the beginning.

Those of you who are reaching the point where you are fully separated, it's helping a lot to read about the practicalities. I hadn't even thought about going to the bank and all now my head is spinning about council tax single person's rate, expression of wish form on my pension, my will... All that practical stuff.

But the situation here is still undecided. We've had several weeks of pretending everything's ok, while I continue to avoid all physical contact. I'm desperate to book a holiday, like a caravan in Wales, but I don't because I can't be bothered to book a family break when H never tries to arrange anything.

We attempted a conversation today. Total failure. I hinted at not staying together. He said he's put everything to the back of his mind. That was not an illuminating chat.

Is Relate any good ? I think we may need an external facilitator for a really detailed conversation.

Oh, boy, @WobblingLockdown, it must be really hard when you are trying to do something that is by itself sensitive and difficult and the partner is making it even harder by pretending he cannot hear.

I wish you all the best. I wish I can give you a hug...I also need one.

I think we're all doing brilliantly. Well done us.

Really struggling with what to refer to him as... Not an ex husband yet, but saying 'my husband' seems wrong. Can't refer to him by name at work as same name as my boss so it just gets confusing.

We've decided to stay in the same house, but with seperate rooms. It's a town house so he'll have a floor, I'll have a floor and the children and communal spaces will be on between. He's ordered a bed which I'm a bit pissed off about as I wanted a nice, comfy, new bed. But equally saves me some cash.

Had to cancel this year's holiday, but unsure if we book something else together (nice for the kids, but possibly blurring boundaries?) or do separate stuff (not sure I'm ready for being away from the kids just yet). Obviously he can't give an opinion on any of this!

@ILoveAnOwl I've got blurred boundaries all over the shop! Currently away with stbx and we're all having a lovely time. Staying with friends so not just 'us' and the boys go off fishing and by friend and I play cards and drink rose 😁. Glad to hear you had a lovely time with your friend and horrid that your.nearly ex tried to drive a wedge through it

For those still in the same house -!just koko. I did it for 20 months and you WILL get to the other side I promise.

@loveyourself2020 we've not sorted the joint accounts yet (not for want of trying on my behalf)! A great step forward for you

I too would like to agree a contact schedule but have decided to wait for sept and wing it in the meantime. T

@wobblinglockdown I found relate helpful. I think at the start I thought it would help us get back together but what it did do was help us work through issues together and also helped us have a joint view on the children. My stbx accused me of not really trying the other day and I reminded him of all those sessions - some of which I found very painful.

@Undecidedandtorn my H also said he feels like the only one making any effort to change and I didn't really know what to say. After a rollercoaster week we're now back to acting like nothings happened.. he's trying so hard but I'm still in that place of wanting out and I don't know how to fix it.
I feel like I'm being false when he's trying to kiss me and pretend everything's fine. It's not coming natural anymore and it's making me feel guilty as hell.

@WobblingLockdown how's the lack of physical contact going? I literally feel like I'm an object sometimes. I've told him I can't do it, and he still makes an issue out of it. I told him I can't meet his needs and thought that would kind of tell him how this was going to go but he's all over me again like nothings been said.

Does this pattern go on a while? Will it eventually reach some sort of head? I feel like I'm living a nightmare.