AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@lemonmeringue85 glad you've found a counsellor you can connect with and is empowering you. Just remember you've also got a little misfit army here cheering you on

@MissSmiley glad to hear your amicable split is still working and it's had a positive impact on the DC. Wishing we can manage to continue that here too

@loveyourself2020 hope you feel stronger too and the anxiety backs off 💐

@BTE152 what a knob with his gym bunny and protein shake antics . H started doing rowing more but that waned and he likes food too much for it to have much of an impact! He went OLD whilst we were still living together 🤨 but decided after 3 that it's all too difficult and he's having a rest! Tbf it is good news as that was unsettling the DC thinking they were going to be presented with a 'new mum'. Enjoy your weekends and Oct will roll round soon x

I'm feeling quite pleased I remembered to take the recycling out and even managed it before the rain #winningatsinglehouseownership

@SummerSazz
My recycling is also tomorrow.

@BTE152
Yes, it is true, the anxiety I feel is so painful and troubling, I honestly think I will get an ulcer or something if it does not get better soon.

Btw, my STBX is already on Tinder. My daughter saw the notification on his phone and she said, "he has not even left yet?!"

Thanks for all the thoughts on counselling. I’d been quoted £100 an hour for DS but maybe that was very specialized and they’re not all that much. And in reality it’s probably worth trying a few privately (I guess they’re all more or less private but you know what I mean) so I can find a fit sooner rather than later and actually get on with the work.

What is it with men and just wanting to get right back on the shag wagon?! Pretty much 100% of straight couples I know who have separated, the man has been right in there with OLD etc and the woman has taken it veeery slowly.

@veryblearyeyed 😄 I mentioned tongue-in-cheek that very thing to DH- that many blokes we know have gone straight out with a girl half their age. His reply? 'We'll, it's gotta be done hasn't it?' Nice. (As the last modicum of respect I had for him trickles away...)

On another note, DD is seeing a wonderful counsellor atm. From what I've heard, it's definitely worth shopping around if you can- surely most would have an initial consultation before charging?

@SummerSazz - how did your children know your stb ex was dating? Both me and my stb ex have seen other people (which is super weird seeing your ex getting ready to stay at someone's house) and my ex was keen to tell our son that I was seeing someone as he was pissed off about it but luckily our counselor told him that was a bad idea and at the time he listened to him more than me.

@BTE152 urrrrghhh. I bet he's a real stud huh? They'll be flocking... 🤨

@Undecidedandtorn let's just say H wasn't very discreet at all - evening phone calls to them in the study and talking about them by name. It pissed me off a bit but it let the DC know in a way that it was over and the split was 'necessary' iyswim? Otherwise we rub along so fine that the kids could have really questioned it. He met 3 people (that I know of) over the period of about 7-8 months but as it was during Covid (back end of last year and early this year) this was limited to walks and picnics (other than one who lived overseas so not actual meet up). I told him re Covid that I'd be really pissed off if he was meeting people inside as the kids and I weren't able to meet our friends let alone an internet random... as I mentioned, a month or so ago he decided that it was all far too much hassle and he was giving up 😄.

Actually I think someone earlier mentioned their OH had been diagnosed with Aspergers? DH and his family are definitely on the spectrum somewhere and his lack of thought sometimes I think emanates from this and the black and white views/approach to things. Not that I'm saying everyone with Aspergers have a lack of thought btw x

@SummerSazz @loveyourself2020 Lol at recycling- it's the only thing I need to remember to do when he finally moves on.

So any tips on how/what we say to a 6 year old to explain that we're all going to live in the same house, but mummy and daddy aren't going to be married anymore? I thought I'd considered all aspects of this, but how did I not figure actually telling the kids into it?

Also, I literally feel nothing towards him. Is that normal? It's like he's some random work colleague. Fine to coexist alongside, but honestly you'd not much care if you never saw them again. How can you feel like that about someone you once loved?

@ILoveAnOwl we were just really honest and said we were separating as although we were still good friends we couldn't be 'together' any more. Dh was going to move out but in the meantime we'd have separate bedrooms until his place was sorted.

My feelings got really ambivalent, especially when he had a cross/dismissive face on and I couldn't wait for it to be out of the house. That softened as he stopped dating and we got on actually very well and collaboratively when sorting his stuff out to pack. I then felt I was seeing more of the 'old' him which was odd but the 'flare ups' he still had enforced that it was still the right thing to do.

@ILoveAnOwl

So any tips on how/what we say to a 6 year old to explain that we're all going to live in the same house, but mummy and daddy aren't going to be married anymore? I thought I'd considered all aspects of this, but how did I not figure actually telling the kids into it?

Also, I literally feel nothing towards him. Is that normal? It's like he's some random work colleague. Fine to coexist alongside, but honestly you'd not much care if you never saw them again. How can you feel like that about someone you once loved?

@ILoveAnOwl I do not think that there is a right and wrong way of talking to kids about separation but I would just say, mom and dad decided not to live together any more, so dad will be moving out soon but for now we are sleeping in different rooms. Very simple and straight forward, I think is the best.

As for the feelings, I am the same, and that is acctualy what prompted me to start a separation process. Both my GP and my counselor were asking me the same question, "do you feel anything for your husband, even the tinniest amount?", my answer was always the same, "no". I felt bad for him, I felt sorry for him, I worry about his health and his overall well being but no more then I would for any other human being. But feeling intimate, loving feelings you feel for your partner.. that is completely gone. Dead.

@loveyourself2020 thanks for posting this, having not been brave enough to go to a counselor it's good to hear that the lack of any feelings other than feeling sorry for them really does mean it's over and I am not going mad and maybe need to stop beating myself up about it. X

@Scooby2021
Glad to help scooby. However, I still strongly suggest trying counseling. It definitely helped me sort out my feeling and see clearly, also to come to terms with the fact that my marriage is over after so many years.

How are we all? I've been away with work seeing real people 😄 and been Glamping this weekend with stbxh. It was something I booked for his birthday and was nice, although good reminders as to why we are separated 🤣. There were 3 bunks and a double bed so the girls and I bunked down (literally) and he had the separate double

Been home and moved some furniture around and planned my new study so that's been nice. Just need to get on with it and sorting a new bed (although I need to find a stone floor cleaning specialist before I put furniture back in the bedroom.....)

Hope everyone has been ok this weekend and some small steps progressed 🤞

@summersazz rearranging and planning is my favourite stress busting activity, I hope you have enjoyed planning out your new study exactly as you want it.

I was within a whisker of saying I want to separate today. I've been browsing Rightmove all weekend, looking at houses near and far (far is a dream, DC still young and settled at school). There is one I could afford (tiny town, expensive area, no rental market to speak of).

I'm calmer now. Ready to watch football as friends.
I'm looking for an evening this week to discuss the unviability of being 41 and remaining in a platonic marriage for the next several decades. I need him to start to tell me how he feels, rather than letting me do all the talking.

We have very much stalled with progress this end. Just slipping back into family life. Need to have another chat soon and move the next step forwards, whatever that looks like.

Doh- just remembered I was going to order a new bed this weekend! When I first moved into the spare room (which is also the home office and playroom!) I brought a super cheap bed from ebay and the kids have wrecked it by jumping on it and eldest put his foot right through the base!

That all sounds positive- its nice sorting stuff out and a weekend away is good. Glad you were able to sort out sleeping arrangements- we are going to lego land in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in the bottom bunk!

I've offered to do kids bedtime tonight (we normally do it in turns) so he can watch the football so all good. I told a group of friends today (I'm on a private fb group with them) and they were very sweet and practical giving me lots to think about!

Thanks for your good wishes - it's been a nice weekend 🙂

@WobblingLockdown hope you can have a good open dialogue and hope he gets the 'unviability' of the situation. I love perusing Rightmove at any time and it's good to hear there is at least something out there

@ILoveAnOwl these things do ebb and flow and sometimes it's an easier, safer? option to stay buried in the sand. Hope you can dig your way back out soon

@Undecidedandtorn you deserve a good high quality bed! Glad to hear things are amicable for you and you have trusted friends on board x

Similar to another post, things have stalled and I need to be brave to raise the conversation again and push things forward. Weekend has been good as lots of sport on which kept things light all around.

Nothing has changed for me though - still have the same feelings of not wanting to be I. This relationship and thinking about all of the positives for all of us if we just accepted we are just friends do and need to move on.

As ever, it’s still very hard! Glad everyone is doing ok 😀

Another person firmly in the ‘stalled’ camp 🙋‍♀️ Our house move is largely to blame for that. We have to move so that’s kind of taken over and we did agree that we would have further discussions after that, although I am sure that H is pretending we didn’t have that conversation and will probably just carry on as we are unless I bring it up again. The move is on for the end of this month though so at least that’s something.

I am still daydreaming constantly about being separated and I know it’s in my future. I just wish it could happen now but I have to think of the children and do things in the least disruptive way for them.

I just can’t stand being physically near him, it’s awful isn’t it? I hate feeling like this and I feel guilty every time I snap at him and I’m scared I’m going to turn into someone I don’t like. I am very lucky that I am not someone who has ever suffered with poor mental health in the past but this is all weighing so heavily it’s consuming me.

Hope others are ok, sending positive vibes to you all xx

We had another talk today about bedrooms (and him moving out of what will shortly be MY room) and telling the children and other people.

Part of the problem is that currently things are 'fine'. As they always are between episodes of him being awful. But when it's like this I just question what I'm doing. If it was like this forever I could cope. But history would suggest it won't be like this for long.

It's just so sad.

Hello dear ladies. I just wish we can get together, properly, in person and chat about everything. I am sorry that some of you are struggling with confronting your partners and telling them it is over, but that is the most important part and it is normal you feel anxious. Every now and then I think about it and wonder, how in the hell did I find the courage and words to say it, but I did, when the time came. I just suggest to you, do not allow yourself to be lulled back into the routine. You can do this, you deserve it, keep looking for the right moment and... do it. Say it. Take your life into your own hands.

I just had another amazing camping weekend, this time with my youngest daughter only. My STBX also went camping and my son is away, so for a few days I am alone with the girls, sleeping in my own bed. It feels amazing already.

The great news is that my stbx is getting the apartment he was promised and is definitely moving out on Aug 1. I do not know which one of us was happier with this news. We were both worried if this did not happen what we would do. Another good news is that he has a chance of getting back his old job (he was let go due to Covid) Now this means financial stability for him, for sure, but also for me. I would not have to be paying him spousal support, like I was going to, and he would be paying me proper child support. This is not hundred percent certain but I am really hoping it will happen.

No matter how much he was surprised when I told him I wanted to separate and how much he has been acting like a victim these last few months, I know that my stbx is going to enjoy this new situation, once he is settled down. I mean, what is not to like. New apartment that he is going to decorate himself, he lives there alone, does not have to cook or clean for anyone. No annoying kids running around. No drop offs or pick ups (not that he was doing this before-all me). He just got himself a new car and it seems that he does not intend to share it with the kids (its ok, they will be driving mine), and if he gets his old job, wow, he is right back on the saddle but this time without the baggage. I do not envy him, because for me being with the kids, for as long as they are willing to stay with me, is all I ever wanted, but I can see the appeal of the single life with no responsibility. Especially for someone like my stbx who is quite selfish and self absorbed and it was always visible how much he was annoyed if he had to do anything for us, me, kids or the house. One of the things I hated about him. Anyway, its ok, the happier he is the less guilty I will feel too and be able to get on with my life sooner.

I wish you all the best, all of you and hope you get some time away too, preferably alone or with the kids only. Keep in touch.

Fantastic post @loveyourself2020 👏 and so glad the house/job are falling into place. I hear you with the 'so sad', it truly is. But there are better times ahead I'm sure of it. Would love to meet you all to for a glass of  and to chew the fat. Who knows, maybe one day 🤷‍♀️

@Dazed24 and @Yellowswan KOKO...... I too didn't want to turn into a bitter person who wasn't me. Once the cards are on the table and you're moving forwards you will see the real you I promise x

@loveyourself2020 loads of positives! I hope we can all move forward like this.

Just broke the news to DS9- he's absolutely devastated. Can't get his head round it. Why did we have to upturn his happy world?

@BTE152 - I think telling the kids is the hardest bit. I feel that mine will be fine in the end but I do feel terrible for them.

@loveyourself2020 - Amazing. This all sounds like great news. When we first started having problems my stbex was in a part time job which was just a maternity cover which I found super stressful but he is now full time in a better paid role and likely to be made perm and its such a weight off my mind.

Hello how is everybody doing? I have to say that although things have been going in the right direction I am not feeling so well lately. Nothing to put my finger on, but anxiety is eating me alive. I do not sleep unless I take a sleeping pill and when I wake up I already feel sick. It is only a few weeks until my STBX moves out; perhaps that is it. There must be sadness and disappointment and who knows what lurking underneath. I just worry, sometimes, that I will get sick. No body can survive for a long time with this level of anxiety.