AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

Thankyou all so much for your kind messages ❤️. He is now moved in and will spend his first night away tonight. So a few more tears but the DC have been fab setting up their rooms and friends came over and I else all had pizza there together.

So first night on my own, pulling on the brave girl pants and watching love island wit DD1.

@BTE152 love that quote and it will see you through x

@loveyourself2020 take heed of your username . Your (D?)H is showing himself who he is and hopefully that gives you some more resolve 💪

@lemonmeringue85 maybe a night away will prove the break or make 🤞

@heatwavemyarse welcome to the motley crew. It sounds like you may have a glimmer of hope if it is the AD's affecting things.

@Yellowswan, @Dazed24 and @Scooby2021 keep on keeping on. It WILL be ok xx

Just found this thread and really hoping it keeps going as I'm in a bit of a similar boat, although DH is also aware and in fact instigated a conversation about it last week. But as with most conversations in our lives these days we talk for ten minutes and then it gets parked for a few days while life intervenes. And not just emotional conversations--could be about admin or arrangements. We're just both too busy right now.

How have the first couple of days been, @SummerSazz?

@veryblearyeyed I hope it continues too! And welcome but sorry to hear you're in the same boat. We absolutely had to make the time for the conversations.

Day 3 in the single house is ok. H picked up the last of his furniture today although garage still to be sorted.... he's picked the DC up for school and dropped them off and cooking has been fine (he did the majority as retired) as the house is so so much tidier and cleaner this has saved me the time I've then spent on cooking!

Need to sort an online delivery as he did the food shopping. I'll do it this weekend and undoubtedly the bill will reduce!

That sounds mostly positive, summersazz. My DH is also the cook. I think there would be a lot of ready meals in a separated future!

@SummerSazz
I know that it must still be hard but i envy you so much. My STBX is still in the house, no news about his apartment and at this point I doubt he will get it. This means potentially months of living together. I do not know how much longer I can do this. I mean at the same time we are doing everything as per usual, I cook and clean and do the laundry. He does bare minimum though, but this is not very unusual, takes a dog out in the morning and goes shopping once a week.

But every now and then he comes to me with more questions about money, and money is our biggest problem, to him money is the God and for me, it is nothing. So every time he approaches me I know what he is talking about and I do not want to talk about it but end up getting all pissed. Like if he is leaving the house and not taking anything (his choice), I should give him more money so that he can buy furniture. Or, I should start giving him spousal support while he lives here. Today he came to me with , I should be putting more money to our joint account (we still have it), b/c he is earning so much less and it should be a percentage. WTF!

To be honest, I do not give a damn about money (I know i should), I just want his selfish, cheap, grumpy and rude piece of ass out of my house.

Sorry had to vent, I am on the edge lately.

Mr Owl has taken his wedding ring off. It's made me all discombobulated.

@loveyourself2020 urrrrggh that sounds unbearable. I hate miserly money people; such an unattractive trait. Although spousal support whilst living in the house did give me a good laugh - muppet!!

H was almost the other way in that very generous but without necessarily having the means which came with its own frustrations. If he isn't getting the flat could he rent something short term? Could you get a date for him to sort something out?

@ILoveAnOwl {{hugs}}. Makes it so real and also makes you catch a breath as to whether it's the right thing 😢. H and I ceremoniously took ours off together and shed a little tear. Hope you can breathe deep and move onwards ok.

Honestly, posting on here makes me sound like I'm always in floods of tears . I'm the least likely to cry person but there sure are some poignant times along this journey.

@veryblearyeyed I used to do all the cooking before H was wfh so I just need to get back into my stride. Cleaning out the fridge is today's job (did I mention he was a messy bugger ) and then I will fill my lovely clean fridge with lovely tasty food.

@ILoveAnOwl that sounds very tough. I Iike Sazz’s idea of taking them off ceremoniously. Although mine won’t be coming off until I lose at least a couple of stone

@loveyourself2020 how miserable. Maybe he could take all the furniture and give you money to buy more? Fingers crossed he gets something soon.

@SummerSazz Although spousal support whilst living in the house did give me a good laugh - muppet!! I know, he mentioned it again yesterday. Came to me to talk about money and how much we put in to the join (all is still the same since we live together) and then he mentioned that he will email mediator to ask about spousal support. I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs. He is not stupid, he is actually very money smart, so where is this nonsense coming from?

@veryblearyeyed Maybe he could take all the furniture and give you money to buy more? Fingers crossed he gets something soon.
Exactly, that is what I told him, why don't you take all this crap and give me money to buy brand new staff (which btw I plan on doing anyway b/c it is all old and crap), he looked at me like I was crazy. Why?! Do not understand. Then I said, you do not have to buy new, you can buy used (my therapist suggested it btw), again the look on his face. I said, why are you looking at me like that, is this stuff in our hous new? No, it is old crap.

Last night I was so happy, my son is away for a week or so and I was going to sleep in his room, on an actual bed, but after having money conversation with the Mr. could not sleep at all. I was tossing and turning literately whole night.

I need him out of the house....yesterday!!!!

@loveyourself2000 - that sounds so stressful! I earn more than my husband so really unsure how money is going to work out. Did the mediator tell you that you would have to pay spousal support? Are you in the UK?

We ended up having a WhatsApp heart to heart on Monday and he asked me where I was at as we had been trying again. I had to tell he it wasn't working for me. It was so hard - we went for a walk when I got home from work and we are not going to make it. We are both really sad but I cooked us a nice lunch today and we were able to sit and talk so just have to see. The earliest I can get my flat sold is Christmas so I'm going to be in the spare room for some time to come.

@loveyourself2020 hope you get some sleep for the rest of the week that you have a separate bed. Is he looking to rent or buy? I kept giving housing suggestions to H 

@Undecidedandtorn that sounds like real progress (I can't call it positive steps as I can tell it's also tinged with sadness). But agreeing finally that it's not going to work out, despite trying does draw a line. So good to hear you could enjoy a nice lunch and chat about things. I actually found living with H was easier once there was no pressure of a relationship on us that was giving me the 'ick' and things I might have argued back against (IMO rightly ) I just let wash past. Hopefully 6 months will go quickly - I managed 21 months somehow but wouldn't necessarily recommended that. How have the DC taken the news? I think you have teens too?

@Undecidedandtorn
No, I do not live in in UK and yes, mediator told us how much but there are also calculators online that we could use ourselves. My STBX was always earning more but he lost job due to Covid and is now working on a job for half the money. I know I should have waited for him to get back on his feet but could not. Such is life.

@SummerSazz
Thank you but, no, turns out still cannot sleep. Not sure if it is just anxiety or what but even separate bedrooms do not help. He needs to move out but cannot. Where we live rents are huge. Not sure what he will do.

@summersaz - the eldest is 14. He knew that we were having a trial separation but we have now told him that we have split up for good. We told him together and that we both tried to work things out but just couldn't and we both love him very much. He was upset but seems OK now. We told the 7 yo (he was 6 at) months ago- we didn't tell him it was a,trial) and he's been fine. I think with us both still living here it doesn't feel that different to him.

Although living with my ex is hard it means lots of time with the children which I know will change once we live separately.

@Undecidedandtorn well done for telling the dc and glad they're ok for now 💐

@loveyourself2020 sorry to hear finances are the blocker and hope you can work through it soon x

I have a lovely clean fridge and 4 more cleared/cleaned cupboards thanks too my friends popping over to help and bringing Camembert (melted) with garlic bread and matchmakers 🤣

Great news guys, my STBX got the apartment and will be moving on Aug 1 (a little later then anticipated, but it is ok). This is a great news for both of us as we really getting worried. I also purchased a vehicle today. This is the first one in my name and (almost) new as the old one I was driving was literally falling apart. This is not best time for big purchases but it feels good to have a fresh start in life with a new car (if not a new house). I hope to sleep much better tonight. Also, next weekend I am going on another weekend, camping trip with one of my daughters and her friend. Cannot wait.

I hope you are all doing well.

In less than a month is fab @loveyourself2020, what a relief. I'd sent him a few second hand furniture listings 🤣

A new car sounds like just the ticket for moving onwards. A camping trip to look forward to sounds great too - we're away Glamping as a family.....

@loveyourself2020 that’s great news! A couple of shifts and the future looks so much more positive.

@loveyourself2020 that's great news he has the apartment so soon, and well done on your car purchase! You sound like you're making steady progress. Keep going xx

@SummerSazz I hope you're having a lovely glamping trip away. I've spent a weekend away with just my daughter, leaving H and my son at home. It's been very good to have the break and given me time away to think, although still remain in limbo with the entire situation.

I feel like I'm just on a constant hamster wheel. I think I know deep down what I want, but I don't feel strong enough to deal with the aftermath. I have a lot of issues going back years to work through with the counsellor and hopefully this will help me with my current situation. I check in on here very regularly, it is such a help although I'm sorry you're all in a similar boat, just at different checkpoints.

Love to all xx

@lemonmeringue, how long have you been seeing the counsellor and how long will you continue? And how often do you go? I've tried a couple of times through DH's work. The first one was great but she retired. The next one, just a few months ago, yawned throughout the zoom call and really just couldn't be bothered. I only get six sessionsalthough I didn't bother booking a second one with the yawnerand can't choose the counsellor, so it's not really ideal. I'd like to try private but it seems so expensive!

I've just read your thread and thought I would add my experience, I asked my DH for a divorce for 6 or 7 years before he finally agreed to it, I wanted him to agree so that we could separate amicably, that was 4.5 years ago, we haven't lived together in that time and we've had a few ups and downs but like a lot of you are saying he's a great guy, really funny, one of my best friends, and our amicable separation is a big accomplishment, we have five children together who we told a year into our separation when I started to see someone new, the oldest two said they already knew but no one has been traumatised. In fact now one of our daughters says it's not the divorce that upsets kids, it's the fighting, lots of her friends parents don't get on and stay together and it's horrible, but being friends with each other and parenting together is great for the kids, it doesn't matter that we don't live together.
We were slightly different in that we still had lots of sex right up to separating, it wasn't the reason for the split, more that I didn't feel in a couple, since then my ex has admitted he's probably got Aspergers and it explains a lot, I still love him but I'm a lot less lonely now I'm single
We're still not quite divorced but hopefully it'll be finalised this summer before our 23rd wedding anniversary 🤣

@veryblearyeyed I've only had two sessions so far but the difference has been unbelievable already. Like you, I had a maximum of 6-8 sessions with someone when I was referred through work/gp and it didn't really work for me. I've done this several times and I felt I was just making progress but then stopped quite suddenly. I wasn't provided with tools or strategies and found it all very 'going through the motions' sort of thing.

I left it years and years afterwards. I've been on medication 16years and still don't feel 'fixed' but after the last 12 months with H I felt I needed to invest in myself to become the strongest and most prepared I could be. I was recommended to this lady by a friend and after a discounted first session, decided I could really connect with her and so booked in my 2nd sessions and came away feeling very empowered with lots of resources and tools. It's very very early days but I'm positive about it, plus I can book in for as many as I like for as long as I like which takes the pressure off. It is expensive, I pay £40/hr but if it helps me and benefits my children and life, I figured it's worth it. Good luck 

@MissSmiley wow, what a read. I think what this thread has helped me see is that everybody's journey is different, especially timescale wise. It's that very first step that seems to be tricky. Thankyou for sharing your experience, I'm glad it turned out well and it's reassuring to hear how your kids have remained well through it all.

@MissSmiley that was so nice to read! Especially the bit about the children, thank you for sharing.

@loveyourself2020 that is fantastic news!! So happy for you xx

Thank you guys all for your support. I am beyond happy that the apartment is available and in a month time my STBX will be moving out. These days my anxiety is through the roof, I lay in bed feeling it, I barely sleep during the night and I wake up feeling it too. Even though I meditate every morning, go to yoga twice a week and have counseling once a week, still my mental health is currently in a very bad state. I hope that things will get better once he moves out, but knowing myself I know that I will still be anxious, hopefully not as much.

@MissSmiley
Thank you for chiming in with your own experience. I would agree that for the kids living with unhappy parents is worse than parents divorcing. Perhaps it depends on the age of the kids and their personality too, but still, I know from my personal experience, kids suffer so much when the parents are fighting.

Btw, it is so important to find a right person for counseling. I had worked with one for almost a year and I honestly cannot thank her enough, she is the one who helped me find my voice, realize what was happening and what I wanted. However, she went on mat leave in June and I had to find someone else. This person is nice and all but I see no benefits from being with her. I also have some coverage from my work benefits otherwise would not be able to afford it. They recently raised the amount we could use to about 15 visits (everybody charges differently), but I am down to a few more so I am not going to change her, but do not know what I will do for the rest of the year until my benefits get renewed.

Btw, it seem that here (I do not live in UK), it is even more expensive, I am talking about private, they go from around £70-£100, so it is really not easy to afford unless you get some coverage from your work benefits.

Glad to hear things are moving on positively. @loveyourself2020 you describe the anxiety I felt for weeks after we had 'the conversation'. It's physically painful and I wonder if it would be worth a visit to the doctor?

Spending my holiday de-cluttering and reorganising the house. Time is beginning to stretch between now and 'D'H moving out, which is looking like closer to October. He's now going to the gym every day, taking protein shakes, whitening his teeth, getting new clothes and haircuts in anticipation of a younger model, I know. Not doing my middle-aged ego much good, although I'm trying to not let it get to me. He's now announced that he doesn't eat anything after a certain time of day between Mon-Fri. WTAF.

Wish it could all be done so I can get on with my life the way I want to live!

On the plus side, We have organised lots of family trips and weekends away and I have a few good nights with good friends planned!