Support thread for those separating/divorcing a narcissist

[Survivingeachday00]

I’m starting a support thread for those of us separating/divorcing a narcissist.

I was with DP 20 years, 2 DDs together, I am realising this is not like a normal break up. He is still trying to control me. And I stupidly miss him even though he was awful.

If anyone wants to join maybe we can all offer each other advice, support or just off load etc

Me, unfortunately!

Told him a year ago that I was done, following years of unhappiness. Said I wanted to be amicable, fair and have a clean break.

Of course, he's done the opposite - he refused to discuss it or see a lawyer for 2 months. I arranged mediation & he lied, manipulated & gaslighted his way though it.

He made a ridiculously low offer to buy me out the house, which I declined. Has sent solicitor's letters threatening me with court action (even though he has no grounds).

Then decides he wanted 50-50, so he didn't have to pay maintenance.

So a year later, we are still living under the same roof, and legally we have to resolve it within 2 weeks (thank the lord for Scots cohabitation law) or else it will drag through the courts.

He is definitely far along the narcissistic spectrum & I can't wait to be free of him!!

Oh wow so you are still living together? That must be so difficult

My DP has gone to live with his brother it has been 3 months now since I asked him to leave. But he “pops” round to see the kids about 4 times a week which upsets me as I feel I have no privacy and sometimes if he is being nice it makes me miss him. We own our home 50/50 but he said I can stay in the house as long as I don’t date anyone else!

He’s currently paying his half of the mortgage and pays me Maintenance which I use to pay my half of the mortgage. All other bills I am paying.

Wow, yours sounds a bit more reasonable than mine (although he still sounds controlling with the dating thing!).

It's totally shite living under the same room. We own the house jointly, but he refuses to sell. He won't move out or rent somewhere.

I'm the primary carer & a low earner so can't move out till it's sold. He's made my life hellish for the last year.

He doesn't engage with the kids much, I still have to do all the parenting. So I couldn't leave them with him & leave.

He is the gift that keeps giving

Popping in to visit the DC so he can carrying on controlling you, how hideous

I'll join!

I don't want to call STBXH a narcissist but he definitely behaves like one.

He is so manipulative but some people can't see it e.g MIL who he is manipulating also. He's barely paying any child maintenance but at least that takes his attention away from me. I'm excited to finally be legally divorced.

Mine just popped in again now to collect some medication he needed. I almost feel guilty that it annoyed me as it’s his home too and he needed the medication as was feeling unwell and it was in our medicine cupboard. But I felt like he was checking what I’m up to on a Friday night. Even though he probably wasn’t it makes me feel like that for some reason. And I’m just sitting here in my pjs watching tv so it’s not like I lead an exciting life.

Of course he was checking up on you!!!

Can you apply for an occupation order?

The thing is he is acting so nice. Asking if I need any shopping to let him know, if I need any help with the DC to let him know. But when we were together he did nothing with the DC and never went shopping. It’s when I start to think I’m in the wrong when he is like this! And then I question myself wondering if I’m right to be annoyed he just walked in as he’s doing nothing wrong just collecting medication. Or maybe he was missing us. Then I feel bad.

He's just manipulating you. And controlling you by turning up at random times.

Mine briefly stepped up (for a whole 2 weeks after about a decade of doing fuck all). I reckon he thought he could manipulate me into changing my mind. He gave up with he realised I wasn't going to.

He is master manipulator... he is trying to reel you back in!!

Get out of that house as quick as you can even in to rented...

OMG ... so glad I found this thread!! So much to say and hopefully chat to you all ... so relieved! Still with Husband (sorry so long since I’ve been here) ... I live outside his home town he has cut me off from all my family and I’ve literally no one to talk to ... and he says why don’t you talk to me ??. I’m the main bread winner and house is in my name only due to gambling issues he had!! I’d well be able to afford life without him but just don’t know what to do!! Chat tomorrow hopefully !!!

thebigmac omg mine gambles too! All the debt is in his name luckily, it’s going to take him a long time to pay it off if ever as he just keeps adding more debt

The problem with my ex is that he seems so nice and acts hard done by that I almost feel in the wrong for leaving him. But he has cheated, gambled, doesn’t parent the DC and controls money and worst of all controls me. All while acting like Mr nice guy

Ah yes, the Mr Nice Guy fake persona! Always used for the first year or two of a relationship, then the mask begins to slip.

Mine is definitely a covert narcissist- but puts on a very good front. But he can't keep up the pretence, and the selfishness, manipulation, lies become apparent.

He has lost so many jobs, for in to debt, had affairs, does fuck all round the house.

But worst of all is that he barely parents his children, spending his evenings & weekends in his bedroom. Yet is the Chair of a children's charity & sports coach . Because he has to be seen as "dad of the year" publicly.

He now wants 50-50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

I have found the Lundy Bancroft book to be really helpful in understanding how these fuckers minds work, and how you can protect yourself in the future.

bloodymiserable

Your ex sounds like mine!

He was amazing for the first two years of our relationship it was like I had met my soul mate best friend and such a genuine wonderful guy. Then things started to slip but not enough to end things. And looking back things slowly got worse so I accepted things that would have been deal breakers at the beginning.

I had forgiven him for cheating as he said I was not affectionate enough, not investigated the gambling because he said I was trying to control him financially, let him get away with not parenting or doing things in the house because he said he was tired from work, let him control the finances and when I questioned him I was told to get a job when I had a baby, which I later did. I was always made to feel guilty if I questioned him.

On the outside he works for a children’s organisation and portrays the good dad on social media. Family on both sides know the truth though as they see what our home life was like.

He left me feeling exhausted and depressed and so lonely. He is shocked I have ended it after being a doormat for the last 10 years.

Now he is acting so nice and his mum has told me he wants to change and to give him a chance. But I’ve asked him to change for the last 10 years (been together 20 but first 10 years we had no children so although there were red flags there was nothing concrete until after DC).

He also tries so put on a front but can’t keep it up for long. I am so sad that he is not the parent I had hoped he would be. He always puts himself first ignoring the DC needs but doesn’t seem to see this. Sometimes it’s painful to watch his interactions with them.

He is seeing DC at the moment in our family home at my request as he has no where suitable to take them. And my main priority is that the DC are safe and happy, but all this contact with him is so upsetting for me as he is trying to be nice while also still being controlling.

I am going to look up covert narcissist I hadn’t heard of this before I wonder if he may fit the description.

I will also get a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book that sounds helpful.

Has anyone done the freedom programme? Did it help?

He can take the DC to his parents or out to McDonald's. All the while seeing the DC occurs in your home he will not find somewhere suitable to live. This is another control tactic, playing the victim, needing to come back etc etc.

You need to severe ties for your health and sanity. You need to move on.

Basically wise up!

This is not healthy for the DC either it's confusing and he still is parenting them. Don't be surprised if he has planted cameras or bugging devices in the house or key loggers on laptop or phone.

His parents are abusive and narcissistic so I won’t let the DC go there. And both children are in the shielded group so it makes things difficult. I try to go out when he is hear but this seems to make him annoyed I guess because he doesn’t know what I’m up to. It’s like he want to visit the “family” rather than the dc. I’m happy to go out and I try to but I find the look of annoyance on his face stressful plus the questions when I get back. I think I am too soft in a lot of ways and am still letting him control me because I feel guilty about ending the relationship.

Hi Laides ... again so good to have a place to talk ... wondering is it part of that controlling thing that he has totally isolated me and which is why I find this so good to come here! They all sound so alike all the DH's or XDH's ... wish I could get to the X part ... he is still here and there's always something that will keep him here because he knows he holds me to randsom as he will throw an absolute fit and bring the DD's into it. He had said some months ago that he was finished gambling but found out the other day that he's back at it which is why he won't show me his bank account ... he always keeps it a secret, yet dips into the joint account when he's stuck. I've told him that's it and after our 15 year olds "County Final" on Sunday things are changing. But I don't know how to change it as he plays the sympathy card and the I have my right to be here card etc. He keeps dropping things like just this morning while in bed looked across at me and said am I growing a mustache ... I'm not ... I'm 50 and no I'm not but the cuts are endless.

I hear want you're saying @Survivingeachday00 ... too soft and falling for the pity game and feeling guilty! I do have to say though he is good with the kids and brings them to their training and games and now that he's working from home too he does a lot of the cooking but only as he wants it his way.

Has anybody going through a separation heard that the case would be strongly in my favour to get him out of the house. That's my fear is that when it comes to it how do I prove that he is the way he is to let me keep the house that I pay for?

You need to deal with the FOG (fear obligation guilt) and go out every time.

Refuse to answer his questions. "None of your business"

thebigmac I would phone women’s aid for advice they are very helpful. They can go through your options. They can be very busy but you can ask for a call back at a convenient time for you

randommess I think I am suffering from FOG. How can I stop this feeling? After 20 years of being conditioned to put him first I am finding it very hard.

Therapy/counselling, reading about it using self help books.

Start recognising everything he does is manipulating you.

Get angry and remember he cares no fucks for you or the DC... he is all about him.

Just wondering does this sound familiar to any of you that you feel completely drained the more you argue and the more emotional cuts you get. Drained to the point of looking at housework and say I'm really don't have the strenght but knowing that he will criticize you for the place being lazy you work until you're completely exhausted?

thebigmac I felt the same like my energy was totally being drained from me. In the end I hardly did any cleaning apart from the essentials, lost motivation at work, and felt like I was living in a fog.

3 months since leaving I feel like I am no longer living in a fog but still haven’t got my motivation for life back yet, suffer from chronic sinusitis and am tired all of the time.