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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those separating/divorcing a narcissist

145 replies

Survivingeachday00 · 02/10/2020 17:55

I’m starting a support thread for those of us separating/divorcing a narcissist.

I was with DP 20 years, 2 DDs together, I am realising this is not like a normal break up. He is still trying to control me. And I stupidly miss him even though he was awful.

If anyone wants to join maybe we can all offer each other advice, support or just off load etc

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/10/2020 21:09
Thanks

It's ok to grieve for what it was in the beginning for the fake persona.

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 04/10/2020 21:13

I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. Even after all the rubbish he put me through. After 20 years with someone I feel so lonely Sad I wasn’t expecting to feel like this at all.

OP posts:
thebigmac · 04/10/2020 21:53

With all that’s being going on and it leaving me drained he and the kids know something is up but I’m putting it down to headaches and stomach aches ... he then said to me today come here for a hug and whispered “I’ll mind you” and those words were like a dagger into the heart as this is the one place I should be coming but it’s like being caught in a spiders web rather than feeling at all safe! And that’s why we feel sad! They’ve made us so weary and I know I certainly feel isolated! So no one to hug us and say with me believing them “it’s going to be ok” ... nothing compares to that hug and bawling into somebodies shoulder!!

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 05/10/2020 06:09

Last night I had to phone the Samaritans I felt so bad. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him that I miss him. But I was strong and I didn’t. I wasn’t prepared for feeling like this friends and family said I would feel free, some days I feel good some days ok and other days like today I feel almost suicidal Sad

OP posts:
BloodyMiserable · 05/10/2020 07:00

@Survivingeachday00 Thanks

I'm sorry you're feeling that way; I hope the Samaritans helped a bit? Are you having counselling? Support from GP? Take all you can get.

This might help too: I keep a diary. It helps to record his shittiness. It's good to have it written down & it reinforces that I am right to finish things. And that who he pretended to be was just a facade. The real person underneath is rotten.

You might not realise this, but you're stronger than you think you are.

Mummajlee · 05/10/2020 11:04

I am sorry you are feeling like this and I truly do empathize deeply.

I spoke to my kids yet again about how things are after another round of screaming from dad as he cannot communicate in an adult way.

There will always have been good times and bad ones too. But goin forward its whether or not the good ones weigh out the bad and I guess that is why I have reached the conclusion that I have.

It hurts so much to break the hearts of my children and this is 70% of why i stay and I still don't don't really know what I am going to do.

Has anyone esle out tehre been through this? Provide pointers?

Feathered · 05/10/2020 11:08

Quick question for you all . . . How is your self esteem? It has just occurred to me that mine is crap. My main hang ups are 1. Losing my career and that this is a reflection of 'being pathetic' (I stopped work when I realised I was completely on my own parenting-wise and my children had medical issues) 2. My ugliness 3. My fatness 4. my boringness 5. My lack of ambition What I've realised is that ALL of these things are what he wanted me to believe. I think this is what I need to work on.
So what are your hang ups . . . that have been given to you???

Feathered · 05/10/2020 11:12

@Mummajlee it's 100% better for the children to grow up without someone so toxic. And if that's not possible then I think some sort of counselling so that you can be supported so that you can support them. One of the things that I feel really strongly about is that I do not want my children to grow up to become Narcissists and I want this to stop here. I also want them to understand that they have a right to be treated with kindness and empathy.

Mummajlee · 05/10/2020 11:16

@feathered I agree but doing is different from believing and wanting. I always thought I was strong enough but I don't know if I am. My youngest was crying at the very thought. I am constantly battling hurricanes in my house at the sacrifice of my own well being and I know what I need to do I just don't want to do it - that sounds really cowardly doesn't it? I don't know if I will get help or if I will be able to afford a place. If he will be a complete nut sack about the whole things - which yes he probably will be. I am 38 and have been with him since I was 18 and it is hard to let go but harder to stay

Feathered · 05/10/2020 11:19

@Survivingeachday00 MASSIVE HUG
The thing is, this is massive abuse and because of the nature of the abuse you don't really feel it UNTIL they are gone. It's completely natural that you are feeling awful now (even though that is so so hard). When you are in it you are just living each day and coping. I was desperately trying to convince myself that things were okay. They were completely dysfunctional, damaging and massively psychologically abusive. So I'm feeling it now, just like you. Some days I feel fine. Other days I feel like there's a physical pain inside my chest and there's no way I'm going to get through it. I've found a good thing to do is to really try and think about it when I feel good. Then when I feel shit I try and tell myself that this is only temporary.

Feathered · 05/10/2020 11:22

@BloodyMiserable yes, I write too. I write a couple of pages every morning. I make a cup of tea and sit in bed and write down whatever is in my head. It's become a habit and it is SO helpful. I don't worry about what I write, and I try to think I'll never read it again so it doesn't matter. It means there's no pressure.

Feathered · 05/10/2020 11:28

Hug @Mummajlee IT ABSOLUTELY DOESNT SOUND COWARDLY. Not at all. It's really, really hard. I'm 48 and was with him from 19.

Feathered · 05/10/2020 11:31

@Mummajlee my husband left. I completely hid how awful things were from myself. So you are being much braver than I was. What I would say, though is that part of the abuse is putting you in the mental state where you don't feel you can do anything. I would really urge you to ask someone for help. Have you got any family or friends you can talk to?

thebigmac · 05/10/2020 12:43

Big Hug to everyone here ... I so indentify with all that is being said here. Had to head back to work today where there's other crap going on that just isn't right but nothing done about it there (more bullying) but my husband would say "maybe it is you playing the victim role" so my whole body is sore and tired and these are all things our minds do to tell us something isn't right!!! And like you @Mummajlee I too feel like such a coward sometimes. But as regards strenght goes I don't have it to fight 2 huge battles. As said I have phoned womens aid and I probably will go to the GP as at this stage don't know my left from my right and I know I need all the strenght I have for my kids. It is so difficult when you're in the eye of the storm and they seem so calm and it's us trying to keep the peace for the sake of the kids! I do have to constantly remind myself that it's not me that's playing the victim but it's hard sometimes when the fog is so heavy!!

Feathered · 05/10/2020 13:38

So much to deal with @thebigmac. Maybe try not to look at the big picture and take it step by step? My GP prescribed anti depressants, which I didn't take but I do take propranolol which I just take every now and then when I feel full of anxiety. I think it's really good to go to your GP. Tell them its abuse. Even if it's hard to say. They have lots of good links to other organisations in your area.

thebigmac · 05/10/2020 18:03

Live in a small enough town where he will do his best to hide it all!! And some of the GP's know him personally !! Oh what fun and games!!

longhaulstress · 05/10/2020 18:06

I will sit down and read all this later but I'd love to join as am currently in the same position.

Feathered · 05/10/2020 19:08

@thebigmac I was surprised by how disliked my husband was in our local community. People were honest after he left.
Speak to a gp that you can trust. I presume he works in the health service?

Feathered · 05/10/2020 19:09

@longhaulstress - your user name says it all! Hello x x x

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 05/10/2020 20:07

Hello longhaulstress xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 05/10/2020 20:09

I was surprised how much my DH was disliked too, people only commented after I separated with him. He also works in a type of health service but everything with your GP is confidential. Try and find a female one if you can xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 05/10/2020 20:13

bloodymiserable yes the Samaritans helped, it was good to have someone to talk to even though they can’t help it just got everything off my chest and felt someone was listening and I spoke to them until I felt tired enough to go to sleep.

I was paying for councelling but can no longer afford it Sad I had a lot of support from my GP, she prescribed me antidepressants but I haven’t taken them. I’m going to look to see if there is any free or low cost councelling I can access.

The diary is a really good idea. As how I think of him when I cry is just the good bits not the bad bits.

OP posts:
thebigmac · 05/10/2020 22:13

@Feathered no he doesn't work in health service but the family are "well known" in the town. Now I don't know what kind of name they have because of course I wouldn't hear the real story until I've left him .. wow it's getting real saying it. But he is one of those people who has to get involved in everything so their name is heard and is as he puts it, and he says he doesn't want to be "carried shoulder high around the parish" but god be dammed if I should stick my nose in anywhere.

@Survivingeachday00 I believe Women's Aid is a free service!
"The Women's Aid 24hr National Freephone Helpline offers confidential information, support and understanding to women in the Republic of Ireland, who are being abused by current or former boyfriends, partners or husbands."
They were so helpful to me when I rang and already a session booked no mention of a charge!

Haven't made GP appointment yet but will as like all of us having trouble sleeping.

thebigmac · 05/10/2020 22:14

By the way big welcome and hugs to you @longhaulstress !!

longhaulstress · 05/10/2020 23:16

Thank you for all being so welcoming.

My story in a nut shell is I caught xh cheating (for the second time) at the beginning of March. I told him to leave and we told the children quite quickly. Then followed some horrific months of him desperately apologising/buying gifts/being remorseful but his lies kept tripping him up and I found out he was still seeing OW.

It's been awful. He's swapped between being lovely and understanding and telling me it's all my fault/that I'm a horrible person (I think because I wouldn't take him back and he hates the loss of control).
I've had counselling which has helped but it's been so hard with lockdown and my 2 older dc have known the gist of things so the strain of having to be strong for them and me while he keeps messing with their heads (badmouthing me and my friends to them, interrogating them about where I've been/who I've been talking to etc).

I finally called a solicitor in august and have filed for divorce and we are due our first mediation session this Thursday. For the last 3 weeks he's been friendly/civil but I don't trust him one iota he's like dealing with a wild animal where you constantly have to be calm and placid or they'll strike. I'd love to tell him exactly what I think of him as I've only recently entered the anger phase as I was so sad for so long and grieving for what we'd had or what I 'thought' we'd had. But if I get nasty he will only do worse to me he prides on always going one above what someone does to him.

I just can't wait for our ties to be cut and for it all to be over.