Support thread for those separating/divorcing a narcissist

[Survivingeachday00]

I’m starting a support thread for those of us separating/divorcing a narcissist.

I was with DP 20 years, 2 DDs together, I am realising this is not like a normal break up. He is still trying to control me. And I stupidly miss him even though he was awful.

If anyone wants to join maybe we can all offer each other advice, support or just off load etc

Wow @longhaulstress you've been through quite a bit and taken a couple of steps further than I in going about the solicitor route and telling the children. I haven't told the DC's yet as I want to get a plan in place first so I have it straight in my head before I do anything. He's still in the house and we're still sharing a bed (no intimacy) as he won't move out of the bedroom and neither will I ... last time I moved to the spare room and he took that as a win. It's amazing the way they fool themselves into thinking everything is alright knowing full well it's not but they can't make the move as they know it'll be their undoing and know that their control is hanging by a thread. I'm sure he'll use this level 3 lockdown here in Ireland as an excuse he can't move out now anyway.

What a complete nightmare, I'm really sorry - it just sounds intolerable. Have you come across any information on dealing with the personality type?
I've watched a lot of Doctor Ramani on YouTube. She is completely accurate and what is amazing is how the behaviour is always the same. I always start watching an episode thinking "This doesn't apply to me" and by the end I realise it COMPLETELY describes his behaviour. I think it's useful information. There are descriptions of the different types of narcissists and a breakdown of the tactics that they use. She also has advice for when you CAN"T leave, which might be useful getting through this stage. Coronavirus really isn't helping at all. @longhaulstress that switching between being really nice and really horrible is classic behaviour and truly messes with your head. It's the sort of behaviour that is difficult to explain to other people.

Hello All
So nice to see this thread. I only came to realise 100% I was abused financially by my narcissist husband in the last 12 months. I had asked to separate 3x in 2018 and 2019 but because he had the full control of our finances, I felt trapped and suffocated and did not have the resolve to make the final move. Covid19 provided this as he decided to stay without my consent in his home country (we are both from the Continent and living in UK for 20 years) with the children (1DD 1DS), so I filed for a divorce. They are now all back and we are in the same house, and the gaslighting and dragging his feet over mediation is bringing me to the brink (as a previous poster said, he can't get his head around the fact that the doormat has said 'no'). He also now has taken up cooking every other day and bringing flowers and thinking I will change my mind. I always felt exhausted and drained, but thought I was not living up to how a marriage is or should be. For years I was told it's my fault we don't have enough sex, or enough money to set up our house. I did take control of my finances eventually and seem to be quite good at managing them - he kept telling me for over 10 years that I would be worse off alone. Early on he threatened 'separate accounts mean divorce'. The only problem now is a. that he won't move out of the house to ease the tension, b.keeps telling me he can't afford the one thing or the other (all the while he has enough for hotels in London and train tickets and flights-yes, even now!).... I keep hanging on, but I feel my physical health might take a toll. Also yesterday evening I downloaded this book, in case anyone else finds it useful (it's US focussed, but makes many good points): Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family
Karyl McBride .
Take care everyone & stay strong. (everyone is saying this will pass!).

@Aixela so lovely to hear your story, if you know what I mean. It's SO hard, isn't it? Where are you from? I'm assuming this means you have no family support? Can I also ask whether the decision to live in the UK was a mutual decision, or just his? I'm asking because I've been quite isolated through moving, which was always due to his insistence.

They make divorce (and life) so complicated. Mine has gone, which I'm grateful for, but he's still managing to affect me daily. I'm so ready for a new life that is free of him: I definitely feel "Will I ever be free of you?"

@Feathered thank you for your response. It is such a relief to see I am not alone in all this. Sorry to hear about your troubles- you seem to be out of the worst though? ?
I am from S Europe and he is from N Europe... I stayed in the UK because of him (met while studying and stayed to work, and have moved 3x within the UK because of his career). I left 2 permanent, well paid positions because of him, and strictly speaking my area of expertise/interest would have been elsewhere and not in the UK. I adjusted my professional life 100% to suit his (same industry and part-time). It was a clever move for our family in some ways, and I was always adaptable, flexible and easy. Only now I realise that this gave him a hint of how much he could control me. He tried to move us out of the UK unsuccessfully 5 years ago, but by then it was too late for me. I was living 'temporarily' here for 15 years. Since then, I decided that my roots are here and I call the UK home.
Anyway. Yes 20 years, no support whatsoever (except occasional visits from family). I have made some very good friends here though, and I hope not to have to move again. Not sure whether he would move back to his country. He can't professionally, and even if he could ,things would get complicated because where would the children live? But he wants to make this part of the mediation...

@Feathered - thank you for the Dr Ramani Youtube videos. I just logged in to listen a bit.They look very useful.

Yes - I am further along @Aixela, in that he has gone. He actually left at the beginning of January 2019, and I've been trying to unpick a web of lies since then - so that's where my stress is. I'm trying to make sure that I'm safe financially. Last November I took him to court because of his controlling behaviour, which has meant he can't come to the house any more. His business is complicated and I own half of it. He's done a lot of scary intimidation to try and make me sign over my shares. I've been brave, though!!!! I'm just about to do the next bit with a new lawyer. It all feels really complicated and the fact that I can't trust him at all makes it much more difficult and upsetting. Yours sounds complicated too; I think that's why it's good to have this support group. These really are tough separations/divorces.

Hi All,
Mind if I join? This is all still so very new and raw to me.
Long story short, together 13 years, married 7, one 9 Yr old DC together.
Looking back, the mask began to slip 5ish years ago. I was the main breadwinner, paid all childcare, all holidays, house improvements etc. I then became physically disabled so whilst I could still work using a wheelchair I couldn't do all the housework etc.
Over the years this led to me being a 'lazy bitch', 'treating him like a slave' being told to 'fuck off' on a weekly basis.
He drinks too much and possibly gambles as never has spare money despite earning a decent salary.
In Jan 2020 I was medically retired with a decent pension and lump sum (you can see where this is going can't you?!?). I used a chunk of the lump sum for a holiday, home improvements and paid off his credit card debt.
Lockdown was pretty bad and I felt myself saying no more and began standing up for myself, asking why I was still paying for holidays, our child's clothes, clubs etc when I'm on a pension and he's working full time.
I'm sure he could sense the 'money tree' was going to dry up and that he was losing control. On Sep 10th he told me he was leaving as he didn't want to be married to someone disabled. I think he expected me to beg him to stay, just like I've done everytime before. But I didn't. He's gone. It's just the 2 of us here now and we've gone a bit crazy doing stuff we weren't 'allowed' to do.... Have a breadbin, a waste paper basket in the lounge, use command strips to hang up pictures..... we've done it all. The home is now calm and there's no atmosphere.
His demands are, as you'd expect, insane and I've been accused of bugging his phone (!).
I'm seeing a solicitor next week so before the sh*t hits the fan, we are enjoying this time of peace, quiet and happiness.... No moods, yelling, demands, told I'm crap at cooking, a crap mum, a crap wife.

Sorry, that wasn't short at all was it 😂. It was good just to write it down.
This Saturday is the first night the 9 year old will be staying with him. I'm dreading it, but I've got some great friends who'll keep me sane and remind me of all the shite I've tried to minimise over the years
You are all such brave ladies, I'm hoping that a year from now I'll be free, but for now, I wait x

Hello @Hoppymclimpy. x x x So pleased he's gone. Well done. Good work. I completely relate to the rebellion of having a bread bin etc!!!! Our acts of rebellion are similar and include . . . . listening to music! Sometimes we even make a mess! What an utterly crap human being who doesn't deserve you. I think you are going to do really well because you seem to have completely accepted it. Talk to a solicitor and get rid of him properly. I'm so looking forward to the people in this group being free. We all deserve it. x

@Feathered, we will all be free, all of us x
I brought a mustard coloured pot plant for 3 quid from B&M, he hates bright colours and the whole house is still beige..... but that little mustard pot plant sits in my lounge and makes me smile every day xx

Mine hit out last night, with a nasty message, name-calling me & full of manipulation, projection & lack of insight in to himself. It was far more a reflection on him than me. But downright nasty none the less.

Then this afternoon he sent a placatory message, saying "we are as bad as eachother" and needed to put the kids first.

Total Jeckyll & Hyde stuff.

I haven't replied to either.

@BloodyMiserable, I'm sorry you are now getting the 'flip/flop' messages as I call them. I've got pages of those, for the solicitor to see (to build up a picture) of a message screaming blue murder then the next kne telling me what's for dinner with a kiss at the end.
I don't know about anyone else but it was the walking on eggshells feeling that got to me the most? I'd never know 'who' was going to walk through the door from work, the happy one, the angry one, the volitile one etc. Our 9 year old would watch out of the window for him then scuttle and come and sit by me on the sofa, that's a whole other thread trying to unpick what I've allowed him to do to her with the mind games 😔.
@Feathered.... I've accepted it as despite him being the one to walk, there was a tiny voice in my head this time that said 'now is YOUR chance', he'd never let me leave him so this way he feels he controls the narrative.... Fine. It means we have got out. I don't even care what he divorces me for, I don't think being disabled is a reason (!!) as long as I get resident parent and can but him out of the house he can say what he likes, because we are free.

We can all do this lovely ladies. Grey rock technique if needed, cry like anything if needed, eat the big cream cake but we will do this, and we WILL be free xxxx

I haven’t been able to cry. Partly because the children are always around. Partly because I wasn’t allowed to cry. I think I’ve forgotten how. But I can often feel like I’m crying inside.

A big warm huggy Welcome @Hoppymclimpy ... wow it really does feel good to read others stories so I can say to myself hey it's not me ... and so wonderful that we're all in this together for each other ... if you know what I mean! Went to women's aid for "the chat" yesterday and it was weird and like you @Feathered I didn't cry at all which was strange .. I'm a big cryer (ads and all on the telly) ... but I think it all seemed too real. They said they will follow up with me and go through the DV checklist and that was so weird to hear. Domestic Violence. I wouldn't have put it in that category but many are now saying that the emotional and mental abuse is as bad as the phyisical. I had a starter chat with my DD's and my 15 year old said don't do it now I have exams coming up and I said it will all take time.
Then this morning it was if he was feeding my need for them to see the man behind the mask. Like you @Hoppymclimpy it's even in the mornings who's going to wake up and I can normally tell if I don't be all nice with my good mornings, it's the nasty one that wakes up and as he was taking the DD's out to the car to go to school he said "you'd better have a belt on when I get back"???? Was wearing a pair of jeans with no belt.

@Feathered maybe our bodies are telling us we shouldn't be crying over them ... we've enough given to them. I'd rather cry at a cute puppy video than to give one more tear to him.

For all you ladies, I just wanted to point you towards Caroline Strawson. She has a free, private Facebook group. She has literally changed my life. I finally decided enough was enough after 25 years together, married 20. We are a year down the line and still not divorced or sold the house while he drags things out. But I now have the most supportive group of friends who just get it and lots of practical advice for my situation and to heal me!

@Feathered and @thebigmac..... I have cried once, that's it. I think that was down to the shock.
I keep wondering when it will hit, but so far nothing. I worry that it will happen when I least expect it.... I have this ridiculous fear of breaking down in the supermarket or something.
It's great to feel that I can say stuff on here and you lot get it, but also so sad that it looks like so many of us are having to try and negotiate with men who have and will only put themselves and their own needs first, who twist whatever we say and will rewrite history to suit themselves.
My best mate gave me a ring last week that said 'you've got this'. We have, all of us, but by bit we'll rebuild our lives xx

Would you recommend the Freedom programme those of you who have done it? Would it be a GP sort of thing to get a referral? x

I’m about to start that, I think. I start the week after next. I’ll let you know how I get on x

I just empathise with everything you're all saying.
I didn't cry for a while I think for the first month I was in shock and it felt ok then in May it hit me lots and I'm not a crier but I cried all the time. Luckily we were in lockdown so not really in public but was hard hiding it from the children. I'd be standing washing up crying my eyes out.

Another hard part was that all my circle obviously hate him for what he's done and they only feel anger so I could tell they struggled to understand my sadness and grief for what I'd lost. Being a family was so important to me I made a lot of excuses for him over the years so we could continue as a family unit but if I'm honest with myself if we didn't have children I probably wouldn't have stayed with him.
What also hurts is the rejection side as well, being cheated on. I don't think you quite get over that the feeling of betrayal. I know I don't want him back but those feelings are taking longer to heal.

Tomorrow is our first mediation and I have to spend this evening gathering all financial information together so I'm going to open a bottle of wine to help me through all of that (the paperwork not the mediation. Although maybe I'll need one after that!)

Bloodymiserable I get messages exactly like that down to the 'we're as bad as each other' when all I do is ignore his messages or reply in a very measured way while he swears/calls me names.

I tried mediation with him too @longhaulstress - it was awful as he lied, manipulated & gaslighted his way through it. The mediator said "I can understand why this process has failed".

So we are now almost at the "heading to court" stage 😡. He doesn't do negotiation, discussion or compromise - it's a bloody mess.

My only saving grace is that Scots cohabitation law requires us to resolve it within a year (next week). I expect he will drag me through the courts 😟

longhaulstress I totally get what you mean about people not understanding. I am feeling so much grief at the loss of the family unit and I miss him so much, no one can understand this though as I worked so hard to leave him. It doesn’t stop it hurting so much though. I miss him, I miss the good times, I miss being a family. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way......

I think it's a massively complex relationship @longhaulstress. It's like they have a really strange power and hold over you. I crave what I felt was stability, even though I now know it was dysfunctional. I spoke to him on the phone a few days ago and he is really confident. He has a nice voice. I found myself getting drawn in by him. I think what is helpful for me is knowing that he has got a new partner and whilst I am talking to him I remind myself of the awful things he's done and that he's trying to manipulate me with this false "kind" version of himself. It would be so much easier if he was consistently the real him. It would be scary, but I would know what I was dealing with. He's an architect and he treats people like buildings: that he can pull them down and rebuild them how he wants them. He explained that to me when he was telling me he wanted a divorce, they were his actual words. So when he's being nice I know he's actually seeing me as a "project"; not a person and certainly not as his wife and mum to his children. It's all pretend. That's where grief lies . . . that it was always pretend. He told me that too. That we never had anything in common; that he had just pretended to like the things that I liked when we were first together. It's devastating really.

Sorry @Survivingeachday00 - I realise that was partly in response to your post and I didn't mention you. x

feathered I really get that bit about craving stability even though the relationship is disfunctional. And it does feel he has a strange power and hold over me. I hardly sleep at night because I miss him and the family unit so much, but in the daytime I feel a bit more rational.

Nights are hard. I have insomnia. I think it's really common for people coming out of narcissistic relationships. I always go to sleep straight away, but then I wake up anywhere between 1.30am and 4am.