Support thread for those separating/divorcing a narcissist

[Survivingeachday00]

I’m starting a support thread for those of us separating/divorcing a narcissist.

I was with DP 20 years, 2 DDs together, I am realising this is not like a normal break up. He is still trying to control me. And I stupidly miss him even though he was awful.

If anyone wants to join maybe we can all offer each other advice, support or just off load etc

That's interesting.
Wow. So he has them for TWO WEEKS in the summer .
Mine struggles with one night! Last year at Christmas (his first Christmas since leaving) he went on holiday to LA. Sent a text message to the children.
He told them he was working.

Thanks @Survivingeachday00 - this thread is so helpful.
Yes, it's really hard living in the same house, - he has no intention of leaving..he's feeling very hard done by....
You're right to have your own counselling...couples therapy was a disaster for me...everything you ever read about doing this with a narc came true..he made the counsellor pity him, lied all the way through it, came out smelling of roses, and nothing changed at home.
@Techway Your post has given me hope - thank you, loads of great advice - feeling inspired :)

Sorry haven't read the full thread! I am in this position. Split with my narcissistic ex three years ago and he is making my life hell. I am actually close to breaking point now and not sure how much more I can cope with. Me and my dc have blocked all access and he's had two solicitors letters telling him not to contact us. His new trick is withholding his number and calling and contacting my dc through their consoles, which a solicitor has specifically told him not to do. My dc block him on consoles so he logs in as them and unblocks himself. He is spreading lies about me to whoever will listen and just making life hell. I am a nervous wreck. I don't even think he realises he's doing it!! Sorry for moaning just feel like it's never ending and there is no light at the end of the tunnel

Welcome @clpsmum - sorry you are in this situation- it sounds horrendous. Are the police involved?

This thread has been a great support to me, and hopefully you'll find it the same.

I reckon there is a factory somewhere, which church's out these "defective products" of men. The behaviours seem quite common amongst men, and we all know that splitting up doesn't bring out the best in any of us.

But it's horrible to be on the receiving end of control, manipulation, gaslighting and all the other behaviours.

Stay strong!

@clpsmum hello! I have just found this thread as it's so spot on. They are all the same. Mine did exactly the same with the consoles. I presume he has parental control which is why they can't just change their password? I called Sony games, explained the situation fully and they were
able to reset the parental controls. You speak to a person here in the UK and they were so so helpful. The lines are only open for certain amount of time each day. Hope that helps? It seems never ending doesn't it? Sending hugs

Hi @GreyRocking - I feel for you. I am in exactly the same situation: about to start mediation and he is finding excuses to either delay it or have it his way (amidst covid, he asked the mediator to come to our house to have it!!! Thankfully, the mediator said no). I knew this was going to happen, but seeing it actually happening while living in the same house is awful. My resentment grows by the day, while he texts me (we sleep in separate bedrooms) almost daily that he loves me and goes out to buy stuff for the house (wrapped in extravagant paper as if Xmas present) to show he cares (=show the children how amazing and goodwilling he is) Children see through it and make ironic remarks, but I doubt he gets how ridiculous this is.

I feel I am chocking again with anxiety (I wrote in the thread last week) and know we will probably end up in court. I have no way of moving out of the house for now. I offered to rent a flat with him and share (50% of week I stay there, and the other half he does), he said he can't afford it and I should just go overdrawn on my accounts. He is also seeing a therapist and I am hopeful she might help; for years, however, he convinced another psychologist that I was the unstable one and that he loved me so much ....Now I know she was his enabler. When I was saying for years 'he says he loves me, but I don't feel it', the psychologist had no answer....

Anyway, keep strong, and I will let you know what happens with the mediation.

@GreyRocking I am going through one session of couples counselling with my narcissist husband. We had individual sessions first and I had mine first. He's always gaslighting me and accusing me of being selfish, he's wiped the toilet seat with my clothes, shoved me into wardrobes and showers, he accuses me of not supporting him when his dad died (I hated him so much I didn't give a shit). He's called up my friends because he found out they think he's not worthy of me. So he harassed them with phone calls so they'd say it to his face. He leaves his clothes all over the house. He threatened to take my and my child's passports so we couldn't go see my parents back in my homeland. But in all this he says I'm the problem because I'm selfish. When I gave birth and struggled with breastfeeding , he yelled at me for making drama while I was in my room crying trying to perfect the latch. I sent him for my makeup during the birth which the doctor said would take 8 hours at least and he missed the birth because I gave birth 30 mins later and he still holds that against me.

He's convinced all our mutual friends that I'm selfish and they've sent me emails setting out why my behavior is wrong (as told to them by him). He's yelled at me in front of a makeup artist when we went to a wedding because apparently I should have been helping with his friend's wedding and running around doing small jobs, not getting my makeup done. She scurried away in ten mins. I can go on and on. I've filed for divorce but he says he wants to maintain the family. My parents asked me to attend one session. They think we are both at fault for the breakdown in the marriage but this is exactly what the counsellor will say. I've read so many articles that counselling doesn't work with abusers.

@Aixela We're not alone...thanks for your message, it means a lot...seems like they are cut from the same cloth.
It's like narcissist bingo (it would be funny if it weren't so tragic..) Mine is refusing to complete his expenditure schedule as he doesn't want anyone looking at what he spends or telling him what to do (Problem with authority? Tick!) He also rants and screams, then goes out shopping for gifts with the kids (Jekyll & Hyde? Tick!) He also gets the kids to hand the gifts to me (Manipulative? Tick!) He explodes if I question his behaviour (Lashes out? Tick!) He then shouts at me that I'm a fantasist and a liar (Projection? Tick!), before pushing me onto the floor. He then treats the kids to his witty anecdotes and amazing knowledge of absolutely bleeding everything as though nothing has ever happened.
Ughh..it's exhausting.
And yes - he had counselling sessions where the therapist basically spent time on his confidence which had been worn down as a result of being married to me....The last thing his ego needed.
I'm going to stick with the mediation... if I can get something drawn up then I'm a step closer.
I've never felt that proclaimed love either! Keep strong too. Having as little to do with him as possible is helping. I'm not spending any more time wondering what he's doing, or what he's up to...Not easy in the same house though.
We can do this :)

@Vickyglitz It's so hard..I haven't found any counselling has helped..it's just made matters worse. I've had family and friends comment they'd just like to sit us both down and get it sorted out...like we're just a couple of people who happen to fall out a lot. Though I think people are gradually coming round to what's been happening, now I'm actually taking action.

It sounds like you've had a horrible time. I hope you can find a way out - I wish I had sooner.

Hi folks ... been a while since I’ve posted but as always the stories all make me know that I’m not crazy!!! I’m going through the nice phase which pisses me off no end as I don’t know when it’ll end but my 2 dd’s are not seeing him for what he is ... could barely function yesterday! So tired all the time and looking at housework that needs to be done!! Having him still in the house makes me feel like I’m in limbo as can’t move on with anything!

Hi, I left the family home with my daughter last week. I’ve told him it’s over several times but he acts like I havent. I asked him to leave but he wouldn’t so we did.

Now he’s sent me nasty text messages and has said our daughter will not be changing schools (I’ve already applied to change it because we have moved 20 miles away.) I’m worried about sending her against his wishes. Not sure what to do.

@FinallyHadEnough

Hi, I left the family home with my daughter last week. I’ve told him it’s over several times but he acts like I havent. I asked him to leave but he wouldn’t so we did.

Now he’s sent me nasty text messages and has said our daughter will not be changing schools (I’ve already applied to change it because we have moved 20 miles away.) I’m worried about sending her against his wishes. Not sure what to do.

Who did/do you apply to, to change schools? Is it a court order?

Nice to meet you all, and good luck everyone!

Glad I found this thread- I’m really struggling to stay grey rock with my drug addicted emotionally abusive ex. He, like many others on this thread has moved out of the family home into unsuitable accommodation for him to properly coparent- he could afford a flat but has moved into a cold dirty canal boat- plus his addiction issues means he has to come to the house in order to see kids- he comes twice a week. I lock myself and my valuables (he has stolen from me before) in my room when he comes over and try not to come out till he leaves. He trashes the house every time, eats all the food I buy for the DC’s and swears at me and calls me names if I speak to him. I hate him being in my space but it’s his house so I can’t do anything about it until I move out which I don’t think I can afford to do for 12 months. Can anybody give me advice on how not to get triggered by his behaviour?

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred get an occupation order. Please speak to woman's aid unless contact is court ordered in that house you don't have to allow it.

@RandomMess I am going to try and get the back rolling on this tomorrow. Tonight he broke my front door (I had put a new lock on it to try and prevent him coming here and doing drugs when I’m not here- he did this last week) and shouted at me and called me names, leaving our DD’s in tears. I honestly thought if I just stayed out if his way it would be ok

We split in May last year after 15 years and 2 kids, But I had been detaching since 2015 and felt 'over him' by the time we split.

He had moved in with a GF (within days obviously), I was over that. And the next few.

But he has 'discarded' us at some point in the last few months. I found out after Maintenance was not paid on 1st November and tried to get in touch. It's the one thing he was reliable about although he would dick about with the amounts and the payment date, he loved to brag about supporting us financially. It was part of his image.
.
But since November it just keeps hitting me in waves that I am as irrelevant to him now as I was during those 15 years. It's such a delayed emotional response to something I wanted for so long, which was freedom from him..

It was painful and gut wrenching to accept the other women and the being used and the not being loved but I did and I became strong and felt my self worth soaring.

He was my past, I did not think about him and Boom! this has destroyed me. He's blocked me, moved house, dumped his phone, deleted his email and left his job. I don't know when as contact was controlled by me.

I have the second Sim that only gets checked weekly and my responses are only about the Child arrangements, I am able to ignore the rest as I know it's lies.

Suddenly I hate myself again and I'm worried my MH is failing me. I feel unable to accept he used me and no longer has any use for me. how fucked up is that?

Suddenly he has centre stage in my head I keep getting that awful feeling of adoring him and missing him, that I hadn't felt in years.

It's all so fucked up. I know I may be missing the constant check ins, the texts (that I ignored) because they were so frequent and a part of daily life for 15 years, but I thought any emotional dependence on him was long gone.

I had won. I had weaned myself off him and detoxed and I felt nothing for him, not even contempt, jealousy or resentment for a good few years.

I had fucking won and forgotten him.

Now I'm left with 2 kids DS1 is Autistic and totally fucked up by his Dad not seeing him and having no explanation of when or if he will see him. He was driven past Dads house by a friends parents and spotted it is now empty, thats how we discovered he had moved.

And now I'm back posting rambling shit on MN, sounding like the pathetic lovesick fool I was years ago. GGRRRR

I don't think you're a fool at all. I think this type of abuse affects your brain and it's so difficult to explain to people who haven't been through it. I'm really sorry that you are experiencing such utterly shitty treatment.
I think that there is an intensity to the emotion surrounding these horrible men, because their behaviour is so extreme and never straight forward. I'm in the same boat, in that I have children with additional needs. It's exhausting in every way. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I've found writing helps. I write down things that he has done that are awful, so that I can see it clearly and I don't doubt myself. I'm also really honest with the children (who are teenage) because I can't cope with lying, and because I'm on my own with them all the time. He has little to no contact. Hug x Solidarity x

Just read your post and want to add . . .

You have coped SO well getting over him. This is just a blip because you've experienced a trigger. You need to recognise how bloody brilliant you are to have coped for so long with all that you've been through. If you were here with me now we could have a big glass of mulled wine and congratulate each other for being incredible. In a day or two you'll be okay. Keep going. We can do this x

I have had similar but much worse experience also, what's the book called that you mentioned reading about it?

What is the occupation order that you are mentioning, I think I will need that too? How and where can one apply for that?