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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those separating/divorcing a narcissist

145 replies

Survivingeachday00 · 02/10/2020 17:55

I’m starting a support thread for those of us separating/divorcing a narcissist.

I was with DP 20 years, 2 DDs together, I am realising this is not like a normal break up. He is still trying to control me. And I stupidly miss him even though he was awful.

If anyone wants to join maybe we can all offer each other advice, support or just off load etc

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BloodyMiserable · 03/10/2020 13:20

I reclaimed my energy from him about 1-2 years ago; it's amazing how much better you feel when you stop allowing him to zap all your energy.

Had some counselling on my own (which was life-changing). Realised I had Co-dependant traits.

Have been working on my boundaries, friendships, work & establishing a life away from him. Building up a support network & plans for GETTING OUT.

Another really helpful book for me was: codependency for dummies. It really helped me.

Let's get these losers out of our lives!!!!

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 03/10/2020 13:35

I’m going to look that book up as well! I can see an amazon order coming.....

So far I have out of the fog which I have nearly finished.

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Feathered · 03/10/2020 17:20

Hello! Yes, this is me. My husband left a year and a half ago, telling me that he no longer believed in the concept of marriage. In fact he had been renting a flat and living with his girlfriend for 8 months previous to this whilst he was telling me he was working SO hard. It's ridiculous that it took me so long to be honest with myself about the abuse, but the more I learn about narcissistic abuse the more I realise the horrendous state I was in. Complete brain fog. Regular migraines and exhaustion. (Yes @thebigmac I completely relate) I was obsessed with trying to make things right for him. Just awful. The divorce process is starting to look like it's going to be long and painful and full of lies, and I've had to come to the conclusion that I need a very good lawyer to deal with him. I've discovered he has A LOT of people he's narcissistically abused and he is really disliked. He's also confident and threatening when it comes to money and legal dealings. He has been financially abusive since he left and I feel scared and stuck. He's put £172k of company debt into my name without me knowing, whilst he was living with his girlfriend and before he told me about not believing in marriage.

Feathered · 03/10/2020 17:25

Just want to add @Survivingeachday00 that YES - this isn't like a normal divorce. It's difficult because it's hard to find people who 'get it.'

Feathered · 03/10/2020 18:22

@survivingeachday00 interesting that you wrote about behaviour being worse after having children. My ex's behaviour went from a few red flags to completely horrendous as soon as I had my first son. In retrospect I should have left him then.

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 03/10/2020 20:40

feathered I feel the same I should of left after my first DD it would have been a lot easier.

I always fall for his charm over and over again he comes across as such a nice person sometimes. But in between the really nice is the really bad. The secrecy the lies the control. All wrapped up in a good looking friendly likable person who would do anything for anyone

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BloodyMiserable · 03/10/2020 20:48

@Survivingeachday00 - I can relate to that! Mine said "I haven't got a bad bone in my body". The man who had at least 2 affairs (that I know of). And refused to do anything round the house.

He was good-looking, intelligent, successful & articulate in the beginning. Utterly convincing.

Until the mask slipped... He has given me The Ick for years, I have stayed several years longer than I wanted, waiting till youngest DC started school, trying to get in a better financial position.

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 03/10/2020 21:01

bloodymiserable are circumstances sound so similar. He gave me the ick for 5 years since our youngest was born, I stayed until she started school then over lockdown I couldn’t stay with him any longer.

Now when he comes to see DDs I just see the good looking charming kind intelligent and successful side of him. He was my perfect man when we met and for the first couple of years. And for years after I thought he was but later found out he had affairs, one that I have concrete evidence of but I suspect many more.

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Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 03/10/2020 21:04

It’s like the good time’s we had were so lovely but behind it all was secrecy lies and control. I think that’s the most heartbreaking part. That the good parts were just so good. And we got on so well as friends. I miss him.

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Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 03/10/2020 21:04

But as much as I miss him I know he can turn like a switch.

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thebigmac · 03/10/2020 22:05

My eldest isn’t his and in the beginning he was so good with her until we had our other DD’s and his true nature and mask started to show and slip! He said many times that he recognizes that he doesn’t love her the same! But he still loves her but treats her so badly sometimes and is jealous of how I treat her not seeing it as a mother daughter relationship but rather than him and her?! But he also uses the children as leverage either by bringing them into our arguments or saying that he’s staying because his children are here! He knows he can’t afford a place on his own so if he does move out he’ll have to move back to his parents!! I have to remind myself that it his own doing!! By the way I’ve taken the first step and phoned women’s aid!! The conversations drained me but I’m glad I did it but the girls know something is up!! Hard to hide behind my own mask for now ... so tired and drained but hoping this is the start of something positive!!

Mummajlee · 04/10/2020 06:26

Hi

I also need some advice and this board looked right. Apologies if it is not, it's my first time Blush

I have been with my SO for 20 years and I am getting to the point where it ist feels like sentence than a relationship.

My eldest is ADHD and this inherited through his dad (oh the joys!)

My youngest is 8 and he is my angel and saving grace

In summary - I want to leave. I can deal with one hurricane but not two.

I tried before but we worked it out which was short lived.
We both own the house and last time he wouldn't leave. So the forced option is to sell.

I have so many questions. I wont be able.to afford a house on my own so where does that leave me and the kids? Will I be able to get a council house despite me having a large sum (although not enough to buy?)

We are not married so this makes it easier but.

I have caculated costs and there is just no way I could afford to rent or buy so what do I do.

If I am truly honest tge is the main reason I have stayed Sad

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 04/10/2020 08:08

thebigmac

Well done for phoning women’s aid Smile

Did they give you what options you have going forward?

I know what you mean about draining conversations. I tried councelling a while back before I left him and it used to leave me feeling drained afterwards and even the next day.

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thebigmac · 04/10/2020 08:10

Hi @Mummajlee ... welcome ... are you Irish or British based ... I suppose the reason I ask is there are a lot of options based on where you live. But if you have a house to sell then would that not be enough for a deposit on a new place. Don't forget that where ever you decide maintenance has to be paid if you are keeping the kids and that may help towards the cost of rent or whatever. I'm all new to this too but I'm sure there are others here who know more maybe Smile

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 04/10/2020 08:10

Mummajlee

Can you get a free half hour with a solicitor? They will be able to advise you.

Also GP is good if you are struggling emotionally, this was my first step in my journey my GP was very supportive.

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uqueen · 04/10/2020 12:39

Wow I love this thread sounds like my ex

Feathered · 04/10/2020 13:24

@Mummajlee I deal with children's medical issues, too. Makes it so much harder. I think its helpful to feel like we're not on our own.
I feel a fool because I've given up my career because of the children's medical needs and the fact that he did nothing to help with the children. I was exhausted when they were little. Too exhausted to have a job as well and too exhausted to leave my husband.
I definitely think you need to speak to a solicitor. You could go to a women's abuse charity and get some advise. I found it hard to admit that I was being abused, but I was . . . and I would have spoken to someone if I'd known. RISE, for example, can put you in touch with people who can advise. They're good on helping you keep it secret etc too.

Mummajlee · 04/10/2020 13:35

Yes, I had a free half hour back when I wanted to leave initially in May but this really went so fast.

I am based in Hertfordshire.

I was signed off 8 weeks in May as Covid + ADHD + SO = mental breakdown for me.

I am stronger now and feel like I can do what is right but like I said, the financial and emotional impact on my sons is what makes me stay.

I feel like a coward to be honest and not taking the steps I need ro do what is right.

Selling would give ma a big deposit but I would not be able to get a mortgage sufficient on my own to buy a place big enough for the three of us even if I could get a mortgage.

I don't know if the council would give us a place if we had savings and in affect make ourselves homeless due to selling.

Unfortunately my SO is not the kind of man who would leave or do the right thing by leaving the house to us until my youngest is 18.

So I stay and put sticky plaster over everything for the sake of the kids.

If I knew we could be financially sound then I could do it. But I am so scared it would be the wrong choice and that I could not do it on my own.

I don't have family around - my mother is abroad and my sister.... well lets no go there

BloodyMiserable · 04/10/2020 13:56

@Mummajlee - I really feel for you - it's so easy for others to say "just leave".

I've spent the last few YEARS trying to get in to a better financial position. I should really have waited till I got f-t permanently, but couldn't stand it any longer.

It's going to be tricky for the next few years, as I have childcare costs.

Let's just say I've been buying lottery tickets....

RandomMess · 04/10/2020 14:25

Please investigate shared ownership as you can get financial assistance toward the rent element, so take a small mortgage plus your funds for the share your purchase and rent the rest.

Gives you the security of home ownership.

The problem of staying with a narcissist is how damaging they are to you and the DC Sad

Feathered · 04/10/2020 15:23

Could citizens advice help?

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 04/10/2020 17:44

The shared ownership sounds like a good idea

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Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 04/10/2020 20:43

Despite how bad he treated me I’m missing my ex so much tonight Sad it’s hard as I thought I would have felt amazing after leaving but I keep missing the good times we did have and keep thinking I should of worked harder on things. I’m so lonely. I hate how up and down I feel.

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RandomMess · 04/10/2020 21:02

You are missing who needs pretended to be and the family life you believed in Thanks

Original poster
Survivingeachday00 · 04/10/2020 21:05

I am missing the family life even though at the time it was so stressful because I was the only one parenting. I miss his hugs even though I haven’t hugged him for a long time. I guess I miss the person he was at the beginning and when we had good time’s. I’m sitting here crying Sad

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