Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Hello @ValleysGirl72.
Welcome to the forum. I assume your marriage has been an abusive one, you need to be careful when telling him that you want a divorce. You can't be sure how he will take it..
This forum is for those leaving abusive marriages and from our experience, it can not be overemphasised that you need to be safe and smart about leaving.
Do you have any RL support? What do your DC think about what's been going on?
We are here if you need a chat or a rant.
I have been separated for 22 months. Still in the process of divorce and it has been a difficult time. But in a lot of other ways, it has been the best time.... the peace of mind, the feeling security in one's home, being able to sleep without fear, not constantly worrying for your DC etc... I could go on and on. I now feel safe and that is so important.
I am wishing you all the very best and keep us updated.

Hi, @everyone.
How are we all?
Schools are resuming, so it has been an even busier week for me.
No progress to report on the divorce proceedings... I have not submitted my financials yet.
Life is just one big ache at the moment. But it will get better. Now if only I can get motivated and get my financials done.

Hello all, another one here who has been watching from the wings for a while. I've been with my H for 28 years, married 23 and have 2 dcs, 18 and 21.

Marriage had its ups and downs along the way but about 2 and a half years ago I woke up and saw his behaviour for what it was. I realised that the anxious knot I always had in my stomach was not normal and that someone giving me the silent treatment for 3 days because I took too long to boil them an egg (really!) was not OK. I got more and more resentful about working full time and doing all of the housework and life admin and told him I wanted a divorce.

To my shame, he persuaded me to 'try again' and he did drop the sulking but made very little effort to deal with anything else (including no sex life after I told him I didn't like the 'games' he wanted me to play). Earlier this year, I told him we were finished and I definitely want to divorce. Then covid came along.

Since March we have been together at home with our 2 dcs, who both know what is going on, in a weird housemate situation. Mostly we avoid each other although there is the odd argument, mainly when I try to get him to get legal advice so we can move things on. He has now agreed to put the house up for sale and get a separation agreement drawn up when the dcs go to university in a few weeks. He is desperate to avoid an unreasonable behaviour divorce as he can never be in the wrong, ever.

He says I never told him I was unhappy and that he loves me. Then he says I'm selfish, always have been and have upset him lots of times but he just forgives and so should I. His (up to 3 week long) silent treatments are just because I hurt him so much becuase he loves me more than anyone else. He can behave completely normally with everyone else during these 'hurt' periods with the special treatment reserved just for me. So many ruined birthdays, holidays and family events over the years, how much of an idiot was I for not seeing it sooner?

And so to my worry. In a few weeks the dcs will both be gone and it will be the first time it has been just the two of us living together for over 20 years. I'm dreading him either getting verbally abusive again or trying to win me back or both. I want to run away but I want to make sure the house is in a fit state to sell and be involved in the selling or it just won't happen.

I've got to the point where I really can't stand being around him. I try to be polite for the dcs sake but the knot hasn't gone and I'm so tired. I am luckier than some in that I have a job and should be ok financially but the thought of the next few months is making me lose sleep.

Can I come here from time to time to rant/cry/laugh at his ridiculousness?

@Itistimeandiamscared, Hello my marriage isn`t an abusive one but he does act like a stroppy teenager at times.

I think he does try to play mind games but I don`t rise to it and I think it annoys him even more.

Hes never been abusive but as hes gotten older he`s become more short tempered and I think when I finally pluck up the courage to tell him that I want out, he may become angry.

At the moment Im trying to save some money as a contingency fund and also find out how much our bills are as he covers most of them, and as most things are online now, I dont have access to his account, so every now and then I ask how much are we paying for gas/electric/water etc. I keep everything in my locker at work so that he doesnt accidentally` find it!

Im also keeping a sort of journal of theings that he does that REALLY piss me off.He isnt the most supportive either.

I apologise for my ramblings but it is good to get things off your chest!

I hope everyone is keeping safe and staying well xx

Hi @Somefantasticplace, I didn't want to read and run.
Welcome to the group...
I understand all about trying again... and again. When DC are involved, it is not uncommon. So don't blame yourself.
I have got to run...
I will be back to say hello properly.

@Somefantasticplace, yes you are welcome to come here and rant/cry/laugh...

@ValleysGirl72, I read your post... I plan to come by and reply properly. I know it does not feel good or normal to be so secretive with your planning and actually your living... but you have to do what you have got to do.
Wishing you the best.

@Somefantasticplace please come and rant/cry all those things. I feel your pain in your words. My H too was/is a sulker and expert grade at the silent treatment. In fact, it was when he had a bust up with someone else and then didn't speak to ME for a week because of it, that I finally realised his appalling behaviour wasn't my fault. This was after years of dealing with that anxious knot you described . I am sure he will drag his heels so keep chipping away at all the things you can, I wish you lots of luck. Stay out at much as you can xx

@ValleysGirl72 it sounds as though he is quite controlling if you can't access or have any information about bills and so on. It sounds wise to get everything lined up in readiness. xx

@Itistimeandiamscared how are you doing lovely? xx

@Itistimeandiamscared I feel like Im getting somewhere slowly, jotting little things down in my little book in work, knowing that its safe from his prying eyes!!

The kids spend most of their time upstairs, so dont interact with their dad much, so I dont think that they know what`s going on.

I think part of the reason that I want out is because we married young, I was barely 19 and so have been married all my adult life!

I think I know how hell react when I tell him, hes going to ask me if Im having an affair!! I have had affairs in the past, but thats not why I want to leave.

Im finding it a little easier to put money to one side, as I dont have to pay for travel at the moment. Plus I have a couple of other little savings pots that he doesn`t know anything about.

Whilst at work today, I was trying to work out how much money I would need to keep the house going by myself, and as it stands as I have a couple of debts to pay off, it will be doable. I may have to increase the kids board and lodge a little, but I think we`ll be ok.

Also while in work today, I had a money spider dangling in front of my computer screen, I decided it was a sign so I bought a lucky dip lottery ticket! So fingers crossed!

I`m also trying to hold out until autumn of next year when the no fault divorce comes into effect, hopefully by then at least one of my debts will be totally clear.

I do apologise if this post is very disjointed but I`m writing about things as they pop into my head!

I`m going to get some sleep now, as I have to be up early tomorrow.

I hope everyone is safe and well, take care everyone

Welcome @ValleysGirl72 and @Somefantasticplace

Sending 🤗

I could have written some of your posts myself.

This is a great space to vent and pour out your worries and problems.

You will know when the right time to go is. Trust your gut feelings.

It is a hard slog but will be worth it. Take one day at a time and concentrate on what you have to do to get through it.

@Itistimeandiamscared and @Tiddleypops How are you both?

My end house sold and moving in a couple of weeks to a flat. Kids no help on that front as not interested in packing their stuff. As still waiting on a date I cant do half the pre moving jobs I need to do.

Exh still being abusive and controlling. I have decided I am never going to get away from it while dc are under 18. Maybe not after that either. He was forbidding me to do normal stuff last week! Which I ignored and did anyway but still.....

One dc still being abusive. Really vile. Said very hurtful things and sad thing is she really means it. School back thank goodness!

Parents gone downhill and I am finding caring for them on top of everything else too much. Have organised help for them two whole days a week. They have called me eight times this morning with the same question and its only 9am. It really hinders me.

Will be moving closer to them. Not sure if that is good or not. Lol.

Currently a 30 min walk will be 10 min walk. Less if I drive of course.

@RoseMartha who the hell does he think he is, forbidding you to do stuff! I'm very glad to hear you did it anyway - could you have imagined that a year or two ago? It's slower going, getting to our freedom, when we have lived so long with these controlling men, but it will continue to happen for you I'm sure. Focus on these little things you can do now, it will empower you to do more and more 😊
I hope too, the DC see you growing and will start to show some respect. It must be very difficult to undo what they have learned from him. Keep strong, you are way stronger than you know.
Sorry to hear about the parents, that is difficult. Glad to hear they have some external help at least.

Here, well, we have a signed consent order, we have a decree absolute going off to be approved soon...and he has 3 weeks to move out. I can't believe it after all this time. I don't feel jubilant, I feel afraid. But I feel like I'm moving forwards.. I think I just have A LOT to process. DS is thriving. I see battles ahead involving him, but that is for another day.

exH is on cloud 9. He is looking forward to a fantasy bachelor lifestyle. It will all come undone. He's already spent half his financial settlement money and he doesn't even have it yet! (And I don't mean spent on anything useful like a house, I mean literally pissed it away). He's drinking a lot. But while he's in a fantasy, he's easier to deal with.

Hi, @Tiddleypops and @RoseMartha, absolutely lovely to hear from you both. Thank you for asking after me.
So glad for the progress you both have made. That's great news.

@Tiddleypops, I am so happy that he will soon be out of your hair... My! You have been put through the wringer with him. I am glad he is excited for his new life. Hopefully, that excitement makes him move out yesterday! I will keep praying.. keep my fingers that he moves out with no delays or games.

@RoseMartha, so sorry to hear about your parents. It must be so difficult for you. You have done well with getting some help for some days.. sounds like they still need more support. It is a shame that it is such a struggle to get help and support for our older parents in need. I think it is good you will be closer to them in case of emergencies etc but please try not to run over every minute. That sounds harsh from me... and I apologise. I am glad you are ignoring Mr. I-forbid--you... Sometimes these guys just me.

@user1486131602, how are you? Unlike you to be so silent. Hope you are okay and Sloth is okay too... And things with your daughter still going well.

@DishingOutDone, how are you? Please, let us know how you are....

@Tiedupwithstrings, I have been thinking of you? How are you?

@ValleysGirl72, sounds like you have plans and have thought it through... It is okay to write things down as they pop into your head... Going back to read our stuff, helps us know sometimes how far we have come and for some of us remind us not to trust those ....... Still can't think of an adequate adjective... yeah, but them.. those.....

I have not progressed with my form Es etc. really depressed at the moment and kinda feeling stressed with work.. So all my focus is concentrating on being safe/performing good at work.

Itsmeandimscared

Glad to hear from you, sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed.

I have been stuck in a round of futile questions from the ExH Regarding the divorce financials....finally I lost my patience and filed for a court date with the help of my dad Paying privately!
The stupid fool still was still answering everything with ‘ my wife’s fraud’

So, I have been busy collecting paperwork to deal with captain chaos!

Sloth 🦥 still gaming all night sleeping all day, but bored and healthy!
Captain chaos has taken to having sloth every other weekend over to his for drinking and pizza.....this is the same kid he does not support! Said sloth says: if I don’t go them I don’t see him! ‘ Shame the only thing his dad can teach him is how to be a drunk!

Things with daughter, have been ok.....then we did chat about last year!
Oh! Dear! When my mental health was wonky, just after she left, I apparently said some things ( I honestly don’t remember seeing her, never mind saying them! ) and it was my mother’s words, so I know I must’ve said them....they were not kind. We both were upset but now that things are out in the open, we are getting along fine! Like yesterday, she invited me to go shopping with her!

Personally, I’m still exhausted, 20+ years of emotional, verbal etc abuse have really taken a toll on me, so covid 19 has actually worked in my favour! Getting used to the status quo for now, money has been exceptionally difficult but, even that I have imagined as a divorce saving plan! Everything he isn’t paying now, he will have to pay back after the court decrees so! So, sod him and his chaos!

You:
Depression seems to be par for the course when someone else is steering the ship that controls our life.

Better to have it now and deal with it than start your new life and then the little devil rears his head! Do what you can to look after you ❤️🤗

Welcome @ValleysGirl72 and @Somefantasticplace 👋

RoseMartha. You won our little race!
My house isn’t even on the market yet!
Sorry to hear about parents, and I know how the constant calls can really grind, captain chaos would ring me at least 40 times a day when I’ll?

Tiddleypops. nice to hear from you!
I understand your anxiety. Three weeks til an absolute....I wish! 🙄
Glad to hear son is well. As for ExH, who cares what will happen, he brought those things on himself. Time for you to stop caring and start living!

Tiedupwithstrings and DishingOutDone? Where are you? Hope you’re both ok.

Day by day, take care of you xx ❤️🤗

@user1486131602, good to hear from you.
Good to hear things are stable. You are on your way to getting things to a close..you will get there.

Thanks.. I lack motivation or zeal to sort out my depression even though I know I should. I desperately feel like I will like everything to stop for a bit so I could take a rest and so I could catch up. Obviously, that's not realistic. So a bit stuck at the moment.
I just seem to have had a really bad last 2 years but an especially even worse last 1 year.
I want to be able to breath, sleep, rest, re-energise and catch up. Here's hoping I get unstuck soon.

Itsmeandimscared

And so will you.

For me, 2017/18 were bad , 2019 really bad, 2020 covid!

The lack of motivation to sort the depression is part of the depression!
With the work you are doing, thank you again, can’t be helping your mental health. But, because of the work you do, that gives you an advantage, most of us can’t get to a dr at all. You are right there with them everyday providing care for others.......time to make sure you care for you too.
Get some meds, take them, it doesn’t have to be forever, fell better, use that to push forward towards your freedom of heart, mind and spirit.

I can nag you if you like! 🙄🤷‍♀️

One day a time .........❤️🤗

@Tiddleypops
Some good news for you at last. Seems like you have made some good progress.

How is your health situation? Are you any better?

@Itistimeandiamscared
Take one day at a time. Thinking of you 🤗🤗 hope you get some good news soon.

Thank you both for your support. I hope so regarding the kids.
Regarding my parents I feel the next step is a care home. I know they wont want that.

Hello you lovely people and lovely newcomers!! I thought we would never be together again after a long hiatus, and here we are with an even bigger shitshow!

Cant type too much tonight I've been so tired, its even worse than when the kids were babies - not sure if its stress or having to share a bed with STBexH, but I am thinking of moving things on now; I can't wait for that operation for ever, I can't wait for youngest DD to take A levels (year 13 and her MH is much worse) because he was shouting and screaming at my older DD tonight about homework and I thought that's it. She was his favourite and if he's treating the one of us he likes best like that, god help the others.

I've found a small pension pot I had no idea it was worth anything. H knows its there but still thinks its not worth very much and pays out in 10 years time. In fact, its a small lump sum and a couple of hundred every month and I can claim it now. It could make all the difference. So I am back to my original plan of paying his 6 months rent so he can leave now, whilst I sell this place. As to what happens after that, its anyone's guess.

I'm really keen to talk to our new members who have older children and ask how they are going to work it through with them, but in the meantime hugs to the original brave band. If my H's reaction over a mixed up homework question tonight is anything to go by, when I tell him he should leave things will get very real, very quick. Fear of that has kept me here for nearly 18 years now.

@DishingOutDone, we are here to support you whenever you are ready.
And in the meantime, come here if you want to talk...

@DishingOutDone it sounds like you've reached that point of no return. I had that moment too, and once my head had got there, there was no looking back. It has been scary and long as you know - but never any regrets, never. I am cheering you on, to take control of your life, no waiting. Perhaps your daughter's MH will even improve if she feels that you are all moving in the right direction - I know you've said before she thinks you and your H should separate. Keep strong, you will get through this.

@DishingOutDone sending a hug
And strength and courage on your journey 🤗

@DishingOutDone I have older dcs, 18 and 21. I was really worried about telling them what was happening as I knew my H would play the victim card but they have been really supportive.

I was right that he claimed not to understand why I wanted to break up the family and has been telling them how sad he is but they have both told me they knew I wasn't happy and that I should do what's right for me. I did agree to wait until youngest dc had finished A levels (which ironically didn't happen this year after all) to start sorting out a house sale and they were happy with that.

I was surprised at how mature they were and how keen for me to be happy, it has kept me going through the awful locked down together times.

@DishingOutDone even though my kids are older, I havent broached the subject with them yet. My DD has awful MH issues at the moment and I want to wait until shes more herself before I rush into things. I do sometimes wonder if he`s a contributary factor with her MH problems.

Some 10 years or so ago, my eldest came into the kitchen and noticed that I had been crying. He knew me and the grumpy had been arguing, and his words to me were "Why dont you divorce him?" I explained that things werent that simple because of money etc, but those words have stayed with me all these years.

As time has passed, I have been feeling stronger and more confident about going through with things, plus I am working full time and earning more now than I was back then.

I found out on Friday that I no longer have free transport, so that has put a little spanner in the works regarding saving BUT I have managed to figure out a way of saving money once one of my bills have been paid off, it`s just going to take me a little bit longer than originally planned, but I WILL get there!!

to everyone xxxx

@ValleysGirl72 - you appear to be me. No, seriously though, I was all set to split around 2 years ago and then my DD17's mental health became so bad I couldn't do anything - my solicitor and my DD's psychologist had told me to get an occupation order it was so bad for her living with him, and then all of a sudden she decided she couldn't live without him. She would no longer provide any evidence against him for the occupation order, so I stepped back and concentrated on her. He in turn calmed his behaviour a lot because he was scared about how ill she was (I suppose he thought he'd be blamed).

Every time I had a plan, something happened, and I've been on this thread for a while saying no I cant stand it I am going to do something; but then I found out I needed an operation - my mobility became worse, I struggled to do things like carry the washing up stairs etc. Then surgeon found a problem and refused to go ahead - then lockdown. And on it went. Now I am thinking I am probably never going to get the operation anyway, so I just have to adapt and crack on. When he was hysterical about the homework question for DD17 the other day I dropped some of the papers we were meant to be looking at and thats the sort of thing I cant manage, it would take me ages to pick it up so I was trying to move it nearer with my foot and he was sneering at me. So it all prompted me to say yet again, I need to resolve this. I'm looking at finances again next week.

He's never been shy of having massive tantrums in front of the DDs so they know him well, older DD despises him in particular - DD17 when she is having a lucid period so as to speak says she feels sorry for him and is quite sanguine, he's her dad, she's stuck with him.

Oldest DD told me recently "I've never seen you happy".

My worry is that they will need to lose their childhood home and go through all sorts of upheaval whilst doing A levels/in uni. I wonder what practical issues leaving or splitting would bring for @Valleys and @Somefantasticplace? Where will all your DCs live/go? Will you have to sell up?

@DishingOutDone sounds like a nightmare for you and your daughters!! I hope things will start resolving soon xx

As for our house, were in rented accommodation and its in my name only, Ive never had the grumpys name on the tenancy despite the numerous occasions hes asked me to get it sorted in case anything happened to you! but Im determined that it`s never going to happen because when the time comes I can just tell him to sling his hook!!

18 years ago we separated due to having problems with the neighbours at our old house and not getting any support from him to help me sort things out. So I applied for council housing and got the house were in now. The kids and I were quite happy, he didnt have much contact with them, and I didnt stop him from contacting them or vice versa. Then my cousin was killed, my mother stayed with us overnight because I didnt want her to be alone, and when I told the kids about our cousin, my eldest threw up everywhere and then asked to see his father. I honestly believe that if we hadn`t lost my cousin, the grumpy and I would never have gotten back together.

Shortly after my cousins death, I found out that I was pregnant, and we slowly got back together (grumpy isnt DS17 biological dad), and thats another reason why I havent left sooner, because even though grumpy has never threatened to tell DS17, in a moment of anger or desperation, it may just slip out. I`m not sure how the kids would react to discovering that DS17 is their half sibling as well as us splitting up.

Im just not happy any more, and the reasons for having affairs in the past is because I wasnt happy then either. Grumpy just doesnt fulfil my needs any more, and to a lot of people that may seem harsh, but we all change as we get older, and Im sure that grumpy isn`t as happy as he used to be, but he likes a drink or two whereas I can take it or leave it.

I feel better getting things off my chest here, as since changing jobs, I`m not sure I know any one well enough to confide in about my situation.

love and cwtches to all xxxx