Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

@DishingOutDone, I am so sorry at how difficult things have been. And how things seem to get in the way of your plans to make a better life for yourself and DC.
Reading how he was sneering at you while you were trying to get the papers closer to you so you could pick them up, showed he is not supportive with your mobility issues.
I have no words really except to say do what you think is right for you.
If ending the marriage is it, 'line up your ducks' and do it how it works for you.
If staying is the right thing, then do it in a way that works for you.
Best of luck.
We are here for you.

@ValleysGirl72, sounds like you both have grown apart. Well done for forging ahead and getting your ducks in a row. The bit about DS17 can 'slip out' at any time, whether you stay or you leave.

@DishingOutDone we will be selling up. My youngest starts uni soon and my eldest will be there too. I should have enough from my share of the house sale (50/50) to buy a small 3 bed house so they have somewhere to stay in the holidays, although they will want to see their dad some of the time I expect. I don't know where he'll be living, not my problem anymore.

There is still a long way to go, need to get the house ready for sale and then get it on the market, never mind finding somewhere else to live. It's scary but I'm very determined and trying to focus on a better future for me.

@Somefantasticplace, you sound calm and determined, that's admirable. It is indeed very scary....
I know what it is like to live with that knot in your stomach. It's funny how one gets used to having the knot and living with it but the moment one decides not to live like that anymore, it's impossible to bear the knot anymore!
When are DC off to uni?
Is he contributing towards getting the house ready to be put on the market?

It is A LOT to do, try not to look at everything that's needs doing as a whole everyday but to work on them in bite-size chunks.. e.g this week get the house prepped, next week get the estate agents round etc

Stay focused. You will get there. Getting any quality sleep will be nigh on impossible to get on the coming months but do look after yourself. Give yourself little treats. They make a difference and help to keep you going.
Please, do come on to chat/rant when ever you need. Sending you strength

How is everyone? We've slipped into page two!
I think we're all in survival mode aren't we? This will take some time to recover from.

I have some good news. My decree absolute was granted last week. I'm divorced.

We still live together. He's still floundering trying to sort out his living arrangements, but he's on a deadline now. I think he's trying very hard to 'outdo' me. You know, rip me off and financially abuse me for a decade, walk away with half of the house he never contributed to and spending it on whatever he can find that will really impress DS, closer to school and park etc if he can do it.
It'll have no substance and be based on credit and frittering away his payout from me buying him out. My foundations will be a lot more solid. But still, he'll dazzle DS. I must remember the long game.

Oh and of course now he's marching about announcing how I did him huge favour, he's so glad we're divorced, I was a shit wife etc etc.

I just feel bone crushingly sad.

Oh @Tiddleypops I'm so happy that you have your absolute and so sad that you are still having to deal with his nonsense. I really hope you get rid of him soon

@Itistimeandiamscared both DCs have now gone and it's just the two of us. Progress on the house is frustratingly slow. He isn't helping but is questioning every decision I want to make and taking ages to agree when we get quotes for anything.

I feel like running away but if I do nothing will get done and the house will never go on the market. He has also refused to get any legal advice so far and when I ask him to he says I can't tell him what to do and that I have 'control issues'.

I need to play a long game and take it a day and a step at a time but sometimes I'm not sure how I'll survive it

@Somefantasticplace I'm so sorry to hear he's being so obstructive. But not surprised, it's just so common with these types of men, they can't bear losing control so they ramp up the behaviour. I'm sure he'll be like this the whole way through
You seem to have the measure of him though now.
And he can't stop it from happening. With the DCs gone, crack on with as much as you can without waiting for his approval. Keep the ball rolling.
Spend as much time with friends and family as possible, well, as much as you can in these covid times.
I'm really glad you have the support of your DCs, keep focused on that. Have you thought about therapy? It could help you untangle things and also be someone to vent to when you need?

You will get there, you are right, one step / day at a time is all you can do and every day is a day closer to the end. It's taken me a long time to get here. Some days have gone on forever and been almost unbearable, but I've also had plenty to appreciate along the way too, and I think I'm all the more grateful for the good days.

@Tiddleypops you're so right about being grateful for any good days, I'm focussing on any little ray of sunshine I can find 😁

I have thought about therapy but I have been waiting until the dcs left as I was worried I might feel worse before feeling better and didn't want them to see that. I also feel like it may do me more good when I finally get to be in my own place without the negativity I'm living with now.

Coming on here to vent really helps so thanks to all of the lovely people on this thread

Evening all. Recently I met up with some old friends who all own more than one house so come the time they wanted to split, STBExH simply moved into house no. 2. So in hindsight, if we'd all bought two houses at some point then it might have been simpler!! Darn it, if only we'd all realised that was the answer!

Certainly felt a bit deflated after all that. Here I am married for 32 years (this week in fact) and wanting out for at least 17 of them, not enough money to get two reasonable houses or flats out of our equity, in pretty shit health with our kids having been affected by living with parents who clearly hate each other. I fucked up big.

I think someone should put me in charge of group morale!! Sorry to be so maudlin today. I know @Tiddleypops is inspiring us all with her decree absolute and within spitting distance of getting ExH out, but how is everyone else? @Itistimeandiamscared? @RoseMartha @user1486131602 - who else am I missing who's on the old timers bench?

DishingOutDone
We have all made mistakes.
I too waited to long to leave. And even now, will end up with next to nothing! This from a person I supported emotionally and every other way who is now making public accusations of fraud against me when he can’t remember signing documents!

And that’s enough of that!
Just goes to show how little we know about our lives!!

So,
I am waiting on a court date (end of the yr), thanks covid! No more contact or mediation with captain chaos!
Things with my daughter have been going well, and I have totally accepted that she is safe and happy where she is.....next yr she will be going to uni, and would’ve left home anyway! That has eased things for me and my mind.
Having some small control over the divorce has made me more positive, with the exception of money, nothings being paid, and debt mounting up, again, doesn’t serve either of us!

Tiddleypops: congrats on the absolute.
Make sure you have proof of the rent payments, so when he has frittered his award away he can’t come back for more!
RoseMartha: hope you are well.
Itsmeandimscared: hope things are improving for you.
To the new ladies! Sorry I haven’t been on here much lately to help, just exhausted!!

So, sloth 🦥 is back to uni tomorrow, but online from home!
Daughter was back at college last week, but online from home!
Covid is getting on my nerves now. But, glad to report, bored and healthy! I hope it’s the same for all of you.
Love ❤️ And hugs 🤗 to everyone

Congratulations!!! @Tiddleypops!!! 🎉 It definitely was not an easy road... the end is near. Congratulations! Congratulations!! 🎊
As much as I am happy for you that the end is near, I recognise that it is also a sad thing. And I am sorry, this happened.

@Somefantasticplace, hang in there. I understand the desire to have therapy when it is all over... I do think therapy will help you now. You need to get through the now and get through it as best as you can because this process takes it out of you. Hang in there, he can object and be difficult as much as he wants, progress will happen.

@DishingOutDone, lovely to read from you. What's done is done... It is past, but your post resonated with me. There are many things I will do differently, if I had a chance to go back in time but I have let it go. I have neighbours, colleagues going through separation and divorce... they seem to be having a totally different experience to what mine has been so far. I sit and , nod, smile, encourage and silently ask myself, 'why?' 'Why didn't I do this...?' 'why didn't I do that?' But that time has been and gone. Let's look forward.

@RoseMartha, how are you getting on? I know you have a very very full plate... I am just checking to say hi. We are here for you.

I seem to be stuck and I would not be surprised if my solicitor thought I was no longer keen.
I am frozen in place. Hopefully, I get out of this state and get on with moving things forward.

@user1486131602, good to read from you.

Hello, to everyone. Wishing us all a lovely week.
Please forgive any grammarical/spelling errors. I am too exhausted to proof read..
Thank you.

@Tiddleypops congratulations that is great news. 🤗 to the next step

@Somefantasticplace sending a 🤗

@DishingOutDone
🤗🤗

@user1486131602 Glad things with your daughter are much better 🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared how are you?

Struggling a bit at the moment as juggling too many plates.Ex h been very abusive again. Lots of projecting onto to me as well.

Biggest news is that dc and I are moving next week. Dc not looking forward to being in a flat. One gave me lots of digs today about getting a better job so we can live in a house. Doesnt get that I am lucky to have a job at all with all going on in the world.

I am a bit apprehensive about it all the noise levels from my dc and other occupants as the dc get aggy abt neighbours and getting used to living in a flat.

No one to help me pack so worried I will still be frantically packing when removal people are here.

Parents going downhill all the time.

@RoseMartha, I can only imagine.
Sending you (((huggsss))).

Oh @RoseMartha, is there anyone who can come and help with the packing? Can you arrange some time off work?

RoseMartha
Hope the removal men can help.some do!
I hope that it will be a good change for you.

We are pin lockdown here, so can’t move! Even to the next town!
Sorry to hear about your parents....have you looked into getting them some help?, now might the time. Start as you mean to go on.

Here things are stagnant due to ex playing games an covid.

Sending you love and hugs xx

Thank you both.

I took half this week off and half next week from work.
I asked a close family member who said they didnt want to miss their usual coffee in favourite cafe to help me. I provide lots of help for this person and their family so was a bit hurt.

I asked a friend who told me she thought I would get it all done myself!

I do hopefully have a friend coming to help do last minute errands for me etc on moving day.

@RoseMartha - glad you are moving, it must be so daunting. Friends eh? Who needs 'em. I hope the removal men are helpful, I think they usually are - probably seen all sorts of chaos before! Will the move put some "virtual" as well as actual distance between you and abusive dickhead?

My parents died many years ago, makes me wonder how on earth I'd cope if I had caring as well to add to my list. And that's what we all keep doing isn't it, adding to our lists. Its good to hear from you though and let us know about the move - we are all vicariously excited!

Hi @user1486131602 sorry to hear things at a standstill. 🤗

Parents still refusing help but are attending a day centre each week which is good.

Hi how are you all? 🤗🤗

Just to say we have moved. Went ok but had to wait hours for the keys, by the time I had them it was pouring.

It feels like my home and not the home I shared with exh. So that is good. Few teething problems, mainly with bills.

Bit of getting used to being in a flat but better transition than I thought.

And the parking is so much better and I can see the car from the lounge window . At the house I had to park round the corner between two massive cars.

Ex wise things have been so so.
Kids fairly settled in flat.
Parents ringing me less. But more confused and gone downhill overall.

That's great news @RoseMartha,!!! 🎉 🎉 🎉
Congratulations 🎊 🎊 🎊
Hope you enjoy your new home and find your peace.

Sorry to hear about your parents. Would they consider moving to supervised living?
That way they are not in a care home and they get to maintain their independence but have someone who comes to check they had a good night, their shopping is organised for them if they wish, someone to check in on them at night make sure the gas is off etc.. It depends on how much supervision they decide they want. But there is the basic level of supervision.
That would be a huge adjustment for them though, having to leave their own home , I can't imagine they will consider that.

I have no other advice but totally understand your worries. And the concern for them.

Over here, I am just hanging in there. Yet to complete form Es! Organising my mum's funeral, will have to travel for that. Work being funny with giving me time off for that.
My work load at work is overwhelming, I am struggling with that. I think this is just because I have a lot on. And also because I am struggling with some depression.... everything seems to be A LOT.
I just seem to be constantly exhausted. Really muscle aching, brain-not-working kind of fatigued out.
I am trusting this is a phase.

A fresh start for you @RoseMartha, and definitely some positives there with the parking and transition. Good to hear the kids are settled there too. I hope you can make the place lovely and go from strength to strength now.

Sorry to hear about your parents though, are they getting more help? Is it easier from where you are now? It must be hard with that additional worry when you have all your own stuff to deal with.

Here, XH moved out yesterday. He took so much stuff! He did no planning and no packing before the day. It was like a mad trolley dash! But he did me a favour really. He's taken so much shit! Loads of stuff is in boxes that will never come out.
He's done me a favour. I can slowly start to make my house a home now

@Itistimeandiamscared oh you poor love. Nothing ever seems to let up for you and you have been through so so much. I can't believe work are being difficult about the time off for your mother's funeral, that's appalling!

Yes it will be a phase, and you will come through all this. it's good that you see it that way, but it doesn't make it much easier really in the moment. Have you had any treatment for depression? Meds or therapy (or both?) You have so much on. Keep other things as simple as possible, simple meals and little treats. One day at a time, try not to worry about tomorrow until tomorrow comes x

🎊 🎊 🎊 🎊 Congratulations!!! @Tiddleypops. Oh my! That's great news. I know there is sadness to it as well and I am sorry for that.
Now, a chance to have a life on your own terms. Some peace. Some happiness. Some things to look forward to.
How is your DD taking it so far? Does he understand anything of it? Any arrangements with Dad re: visitation?

I am happy for you.
Thank you for your lovely words. That's actually encouraging. Yes, I am in therapy and I am on some medication. The medication is a trial because both GP and therapist say I am coping very well (diff GP and diff therapist from last time)... and a work colleague who I sort told a bit of my stuff to (I was having a really really down day ) was surprised. She said I am always very lively, full of fun and very welcoming to New staff. Hearing all these people say this makes me confused and wonder then why am feeling so low.
Why is it some days and i keep feeling like the next second is when things will spin out of control.. is when I am going to lose my self... I spend those days anxious, tired, constantly scrambling to hold - what feels like to me- the many unravelling strings of my life together.
Am I making it up? Am I just abnormal?

So I got some natural remedies from boots. They seem to help as I don't seem to be working soooooo hard to keep going. If I miss taking them for a few days I will start to feel the difference. They are definitely helping.

As for work, they were 'oh yes, we will be very helpful.. Of course, it is no problem... Just ask us if you need anything etc'
I went to HR who said that as it is an essential travel, my time away will be covered by the hospital. Great!
When I put in for time away, I got told my travel falls into category 3 because though essential, the trip wasn't booked at time of lockdown.
So I will have to pay back the shifts I am away for and also the shifts I would miss during the two weeks isolation period I have to do on return.
I was floored. I told them that I got a different response from HR who said those two weeks will be covered by the hospital. They quickly got in touch with HR who got back to me singing a different tune. I am really tired else, I will fight this because I have an email from HR clearly stating my circumstances and that because of that, the hospital will cover my 2 week isolation period.
I reached out to my colleagues.. they have been very helpful. Swapped shifts etc so I have got the time away sorted. And will be working even harder on return because a lot of my 'off' days were swapped to do shifts to make up for my time away and the two week isolation period.

It is all good.
I have so much on my mind... What to do with the DC etc ... I may just have to take them with me. So much to think through, decide on etc as well as keep up with work, look after the kids, help organise a funeral, organise care for my dad, get back to solicitors with Form Es (they have been expecting them since June, the decree nisi was in November 2019 ... what the hexx is wrong with me?!!)
Pardon me. I am just so tired and feel a bit overwhelmed with everything.
I think I need to buck up and do better. Maybe I am just lazy.

Oh dear.... Such a long post.