Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Itsmeandimscared

Isnt that freedom not conviction and yes it’s definitely a lightening of any load or guilt you feel thinking/saying it!
I too, am grateful for that.

My Stress/anxiety has overtaken me today, had a panic attack, with a burning in my right side and with an irregular heartbeat... not the best. I just can’t shake it I’m waiting for what he is cooking up next, frankly scared, I’ve never been inside a court, never mind inviting it into my life, but I’m not backing down to him this time!
Bring it on, whatever my anxiety says!!

As hard as it is starting over, I’d still rather all of the consequences we complained of than to have to waste the rest of my life on someone who clearly only cares for himself.

Also, I don’t know if you know, but at the moment because of 🦠 no one can be evicted because of rent arrears! ( not any real help, but at least helps alleviate your worries...I hope) once your salary drops apply for UC, do it online, it’s much quicker at the mo!

Anyway, gotta go and feed the 🦥 and 🐶

Take care , health is wealth xx

Can I join? I told dh I wanted to separate just before lockdown- handy! And then stupidly during lockdown we were getting on well, so I agreed to try again (we've already been trying again for a year). And I know I want it over.

It felt so hard being stuck notbeinf able to do anything.

Because it's my decision to leave, I had said he could stay in house and either buy me out (he can't afford that) or buy out in a few years. So I was looking at rental. But really I'd like to stay in the house. And I probably could afford to buy him out by remortgaging, either now or when mortgage term is up.

Has anyone managed to stay in their house when the dh didn't want to leave?

Welcome!

This thread is for people leaving abusive marriages. I don’t know if that is your reason, from your post.
Not to be unhelpful or dismissive, but you amy have better results posting this on the legal pages of mumsnet, there are solicitors there who can help, I’m sure.
If abuse is the basis of your leaving/ divorcing there are ‘different’ laws associated with that.

Good luck xx

There is a long history of emotional, psychological and financial abuse. No physical though.

He has acknowledged it is/was abuse and vowed to change, but its too late for me. He contacted Respect, who work with perpetrators of domestic abuse and they confirmed to him that his behaviour had been abusive.

Hi @BreathlessCommotion, welcome to the group.
So sorry for your experience.
Feel free to come on here and share or seek moral support.
Do you have any DC? Are you working?
It must be tough being in lockdown together.
I know that feeling of feeling stuck. Just take things easy. You know you want out. That decision has been made, so put it as something to look forward too.
Then gently plan what would be the obstacles to that happening and also find out how you can overcome those obstacles.
You won't always get all the answers at once. So be gentle and kind with yourself. Take it one day at a time. And put yourself first. It does not matter whether you are the one that is calling it quits. Don't let that make you feel guilty and agree to things you shouldn't.
The fact is, it is an abusive marriage, you want out and there is no reason why you should continue to get the raw end of the deal.
Good luck.
Welcome, once again.

Itsmeandimscared

Thought of you when I saw this ...hope it helps!

BreatlessCommotion

Welcome! Again!

I’m sorry to hear that, and I was too in an abusive marriage that ended when it got to physical.

From January 2020,

Verbal and emotional abuse are unlawful.

The place I had the most help from was women’s aid. Contact them or CAB for free advice. You can get free legal advice etc if referred by them.

If you have decided to leave, I commend your strength, but please be aware it still wont be easy emotionally. It has taken a lot out of me to get here and I’m 14 months down the line and even tho my nisi was granted I am still fighting for the financials and absolute.

My biggest piece of advice is take care of you, be kind to yourself and start a journal it will help both you and others understand what’s going on.

Come here anytime, we are a friendly bunch and try to support each other, whether it be advice, info, handholding or just needing to vent!

So, one day at a time. Xx

Well ladies it’s been 3 weeks and no traffic!

I hope that means that things are ok for you while we are stuck on this merry go round!

Healthy and bored here, so 😄

Daughter and I still talking each day and on the weekend had a SD walk!
Ex hasn’t forwarded his requested financials after another 6 weeks so, I’m fIling court papers tomo!

Im wish him each of you peace and sending you all love and hugs ❤️🤗

@user1486131602, I am so happy to hear about you and your daughter. I am mighty chuffed. And you went for a walk together.. 😳😯 😄😆!! Fantastic.

Good to hear you are healthy. And how is your lovely sloth? Healthy too?

Your news has cheered me up some.

I lost my mum 6 days ago... In 12 hours it will be 7 days.
Last Tuesday, She fell ill and was admitted into hospital. She died the next day. A month after turning 64.

I have not been able to eat or sleep in days.

I can't describe how weak I feel. I am not ill... Just unable to do anything. Everything is such a huge effort. I do fall asleep on the buses to and fro work.. for that brief time, I am able to forget.

My Dad and siblings are so crushed.... I feel a desperate sadness for them.

Sorry to talk about sad news.
This has made me realise how much I must mean to my DC. I have to be the best mum possible. I have to work hard for them.

Itsmeandimscared

I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to understand your grief.
Is there anything I can do that will help?
Please, with everything else you are coping with, be kind to yourself.

My lovely sloth 🦥 is well, thank you.

And no need for apologies.

Sending you love ❤️ And hugs 🤗
I hope your mum rests peacefully 😇

@Itistimeandiamscared oh my love, I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't even find words that don't sound woefully inadequate. You have had such a hard time and now this. Sending you love 💖

@Itistimeandiamscared the worst news, can't believe I have come back to check on the thread and this has happened to you I am so sorry. So you are still working and having to deal with all this - what will happen about the funeral? I wish we could all reach out and hug you; I am not much younger than your beloved mum and my mum died when she was younger than I am now, so I know some of what you will feel but during this madness every grief is muffled and magnified all at once.

Ladies.

Just a quick one, hopefully cheer you all up!

I have defrosted my toes and had a new pair of trainers from the sale!
So, when I ordered them the sun was shining, had to wear flip flops, brown shrivelled frost bitten toes.....not a good look.
As soon as toes were fit for public, it starts raining and into new trainers!
I give up!

I hope you are well, all of you.

Sending each of you love and hugs ❤️🤗

How is everyone? 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Hi, Everyone.
Just catching up.

@user1486131602, that had me laughing... Next week looks glorious... give the trainers a good sunbathing session.
How are the toes now?
How are things?

Hi, @RoseMartha. How are you? How are things with life? With work? Your parents and lockdown? How have you coped with DC and lockdown? How are things with exH? I have thought of you often. Any movement on the house sale?

Hi, @Tiddleypops, @DishingOutDone
@Tiedupwithstrings

I have thought of you all often. Hope you are all alright.

@Tiddleypops, how are you.. especially being in lockdown with H? How has that been for DS? I know you are in a demanding job, were you able to WFH? Hope your job has not been affected by C-19 lockdown.

@DishingOutDone, how are you all? Heard anything from the hospital? I remember your procedure got pushed back with all this Covid 19 lockdown, how has your health been? How has your DD16 MH been? Especially being in lockdown with H? Thinking of you.

@Tiedupwithstrings, you have been in lockdown with H too... How are you? And DC? How have things been? Has H been working during lockdown? Were you able to attend Al anon in any way or go running?

So sorry, everyone with my many questions. I have really been thinking of everyone and hoping we were all coping okay.

I have eventually started the process with the financials.. filling form E.. etc. Only started this week.
Really wish I could just wake up tomorrow and everything is sorted and I am just waiting for the Absolute to come through... Wishful thinking. Lots of it.

I have been feeling detached from life and constantly feeling cold since my mum passed. I thought I was coping well but I have to to realise I have been subconsciously slowly falling apart. What I did was block her death from my mind, I don't think about it. Whenever I did actually think about it, I can't get to 5 seconds without this fearful feeling of a black hole rising up to meet me. So shut it it down immediately. Her passing hurts me like crazy. And all this while I thought I was coping... It wasn't that I was coping, it was that I was not allowing myself to go there.
I still can't. Don't know why I am talking about it now... or on here (sorry for being depressing).. it is something that just occurred to me when I woke up this morning.

If you managed to get to the end of this post... thank you 🤣🤣... another epistle. In RL, I am actually not a talkative.

But this is just to say hello to everyone, hope we are all okay... okay-ish.. coping... doing great etc
Have a lovely day.

Sorry for missing words... and putting of words where there didn't need to be any.

Itsmeandimscared

Ramble on as much as you like, that’s what we are here for!

Toes defrosted, looking good, in slippers! 😂🤣 toe nails too long for flip flops, think talons🙄
We are good, bored and healthy and for that I’m grateful!
Nothing to report regarding divorce and house, still stuck!
Still talking regularly to my daughter.

I’m am so sorry about your mum. What an unusually difficult Time for that to happen. With everyone in lockdown and all other problems you are carrying it really can’t be easy for you.
I’m afraid I can’t offer and comfort my relationship with my mother was particularly difficult and complex.

I’m sending you strength and love and a massive hug.
One day at a time ❤️🤗👼🏻

@Itistimeandiamscared
And @user1486131602 hi

Good to hear from you both. 🤗🤗

I am ok. Things tough with wfh and getting dc to do schoolwork. Parents more needy and less support available bc of covid. Found myself rushing abt more than normal with shopping for vulnerable family etc.

Ex is either over nice or his usual self. Often rings or texts me and spews abuse. I have started to tell him I am not going to be spoken to like that and I will now
hang up on him. Dc rang me the other week to come and get them from his because he lost his temper, (again!). They are still only seeing him in the day.

House wise we have a buyer and I have found a flat the kids and I like, there was very limited choice as this happened recently. Now in the limbo of moving. I guess will be in next 6-12 weeks.

Thinking of everyone and hoping you are all coping ok 🤗🤗

Hi RoseMartha
Nice to hear from you.
Sorry to hear about manchild!

Nothing to report here, captain chaos quiet for now. No documents or anything else, so have instructed my solicitor to apply to court. Paid the fees etc, but dont know how long it will be with covid in the mix!
But, I do feel better that it’s me driving things

Both me and the sloth are bored and healthy and grateful to say so!

Sending you strength and hope xx

Much love to all. It's been quiet in our little thread. I know from my part I've felt so fatigued and plodding that I have just wanted to step through each day in survival mode. I couldn't cope with the forum or any deviation from just getting through it all I suppose.
I do think of you all and already I am glad to be here. @user1486131602 you have lifted me with your last post and acceptance that you are slowly getting on, but can't rush it. This is what I needed reminding of today.

I signed final financial paperwork 6 weeks ago. This should have meant things would start to move. However (!) his solicitor was off sick and so the deadline was missed and she is in no hurry to catch up. I'm furious. But powerless. I have to accept that, but finding it very difficult to do so.
Of course this is just perfect for him. He gets to stay in my house with his feet under my table eating my food and all for free for a little longer.
This morning I came down to crisps all over the sofa. The remnants of his drunken night. Same every day. Our house is a shit tip, he is so messy.
But it's not forever, as much as it may feel like it.
I caught a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel for a brief moment and to lose it again has been distressing. It is still there though, I hope.

Tiddleypops

One day at a time!

Don’t look back you’re not going that way!

We are all stuck in some form of divorce hell because of covid, so take comfort there.
I can understand your anger, I literally had to investigate what I should be entitled to and then tell my solicitor what I expect, she had still not explained it, even thought I’d been asking for a year!
So, captain chaos got away with all sorts and by the time he did put his papers in for financial settlement it was a year out of date and Covid lockdown was enforced 2 days later!

Just plod! I’m spending nearly all my time sleeping or watching movies, I have no inclination for anything else. I can’t/won’t do anything to the house as I’m unsure of the future, so this house too is falling to bits, it’s only 20 years old nothing was maintained !

So, my friend, just let the anger fuel you!

My biggest fear is this is the new normal and as such it may take yet another yr for me to be able to move out and on with my life. But, that means ExH is also stuck, so silver linings eh?! 🤣😮

Sending you strength,

Love and hugs

You're right of course. No point looking back, forwards, however slow it may be, it's the way I'm going
I hope things things move along for you soon @user1486131602. For all of us. And in the meantime we must look for the positives and the pleasures in each day. Easier some days than others, and that's ok. I have paracetamol for the persistent headache now so that's a bonus! x

Just checking in ladies, haven’t been on lately as I have had a migraine that wont go and that makes it hard for me to see!

So me and 🦥 boy, bored and healthy!

Hoping that you are all the same

💓 and hugs 🤗

We're still here!! I thought we'd been lost up the arse-end of MN for not posting!

@Itistimeandiamscared thank you for remembering all my crap too, on top of all the things that have happened to you and losing your dear Mum .

I'm pressing my surgeon for some ideas, one of the things I need done pre-op requires specialist equipment and the hospital which has it in this area cant promise anything before christmas!! So Im looking at the surgeon to find other hospitals I might be able to go to.

DD16 is now DD17 and her MH is much worse again, this time she keeps asking me if we can sell up and leave this house and her Dad . Well of course we can't really because now would be the worst time possible to try to sell and I am just looking at the tiny equity in the house and thinking how on earth can either me or H get anywhere to live if this house is sold and the proceeds split (even in my favour). And then she's saying that we must keep the dog, she'd never thought he would be affected ... there seems to be no way out that makes things any better than they are now ifyswim. Getting rid of H seems to bring so many disadvantages that we can't overcome. She cannot cope with any conflict at all, we (H and I) had a tiff over what to have for dinner tonight and DD was immediately googling on right move. So how will she cope living here when I tell him its definitely over and I want to sell, and then it takes a year or whatever to get out.

My main plan was to get a shared ownership house and I now see that you have to have a sale agreed on your existing home before you can even apply; bit risky eh? To let it go that far and not know where you might be able to move to.

Anyway, that's my rant over. So glad you are all still hanging around, if that makes sense obvs I am not glad any of us are compelled to be on this thread ....

Hello Ladies,

I`ve been watching from the wings for quite some time, and now have decided to join you on your journeys.

I`m currently considering telling my husband that I want a divorce.

Been married almost 29 years, together for almost 32, 3 children DS30, DD26 and DS17, all of which still live at home.

I haven`t been happy for quite some time and feel that I need to get out.

I hope that you are all keeping well despite the circumstances, you are all inspirational and supportive of each other.

I hope that I can find the strength that you ladies have to finally confront my husband.

Take care everyone