Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

@Itistimeandiamscared aww ty. Sorry to hear of your run in with exh. I hope your message to him will go better than you expect. Sending some strength 🤗🤗 x

Itsmeandimscared
No more news about house solicitor settlement etc, now the world has ground to a halt! I am really grateful for my one toed sloth🦥 if it wasn’t for him and my besties, I honestly would not be here. Not able to do much for myself at the mo as we are all stuck in, but it’s a relief that I don’t have to deal with captain chaos for the same reason!
Please take some time for you with all that’s going on it’s easy to forget xx

Tiedupwithstrings

No, my lives about 25 miles away, so it not going to be easy. But these are times where ‘ you have to do, what you have to do’! I have my one toed sloth to keep my company🦥 that’s when it’s awake or up and about, but then it wants feeding!!

RoseMartha
Your husband should be busying HIMSELF with selling your house especially now, when it looks like the market might crash! What a complete twit! Take time to care for yourself xx

Tiddleypops:
The whole world has been forced to slow down, I hope you can find some peace for yourself, your health needs it xx

DishingOutDone:
Receipts for a sloth: have a child, cultivate it for 18 yrs, let it mix with like minded students........bingo! A sloth🦥🛏🦥
It only gets up for food or a sweep of the fridge every couple hours, if it can bothered!
God bless him, he is truly a god send, his strength and kindness has been my backbone, so if he wants to be a one toed 🦥 I’m happy to indulge him. I hope that you will be ok now the schools are out!

My daughters best friend sent me a happy Mother’s Day message today, that was so sweet of her to remember. Nothing from my daughter.
One toed sloth got up about 1/2 hour ago grumbled something and went back to the pit to relax in bed!

Happy Mother’s Day to each of you, what wonderful women you are, each of you.

Love and hugs xx

Hi ladies
Hope you are safe and well

All good here, solicitor appt cancelled....obviously
But the emailed file of his financials has thrown up some interesting facts....so, here we go! Rising above and keeping quiet for now.

Health is wealth

Love and hugs xx

Wow ladies!

Something I said?! 😂

I hope you are all safe and well.
We are ok, bored, but healthy!

That’s all for now.

Love and hugs xx

Hi @user1486131602, no, nothing you said. Lovely to read from you.
Good to hear you and DS are well.
Yes, it has been quiet on here... though I think of everyone pretty often.
I was disappointed to hear your solicitor's appointment was cancelled, though with the whole stay home/social distancing issue, it was not too surprising. It is also... maybe a blessing... You have more time to go through his financials and explore all those interesting facts it has revealed.

Do look after yourself.

I am dying for some time off from work. I just want to sleep. DC are happy, well and a handful.

How is everyone?

Hello you lot, I'd been ignoring the thread rather than ignoring @user1486131602! How is everyone coping? Those of you that still have H's in the house is it bearable and those that have H's who have left, how are you managing with them seeing the DCs etc?

Hi everyone... @user1486131602, sorry for the radio silence! Nothing you said at all! Glad you and the sloth are keeping well 😊

@Itistimeandiamscared, are you going in to work? Or is it working from home? I think it must be tough for single parents at this time. How on earth do you get a break?

As for me I'm quite up and down at the moment. My Dr diagnosed me (over the phone) with pleurisy but I am wondering if it's covid as several friends have talked about being ok but tired and chest pains... I have no fever and feel like I'm on the mend but had one a month ago... Time will tell I guess.

@DishingOutDone and @Tiddleypops, thinking of you still being with your Hs. This is such a hard time. I hope you are both doing ok. I'm struggling a bit too be honest. Not sleeping well and finding it hard to pick myself up as the only adult I spend time with has nothing but criticism for me. Also I never know when he'll be sober or blind drunk. It's hard. I'm trying to just take it a day at a time and not think too far ahead. My son with ASC is very anxious so more meltdowns than usual. That said, he also cheers me up at other times and my daughter is loving home learning so far...

@RoseMartha, hope you are doing ok with your DD with ASC. I hope you're not having to do too much for your parents. Are they keeping well?

Hugs to everyone. Stay safe xx

Hi, @Tiedupwithstrings, I am sending you strength. I can't imagine how it must be being in lockdown with your H.
Well done with the home learning.

Sorry to hear that you have pleurisy. That would be tiring you out... The effect it has on the body is sometimes underestimated.
Get well soon.

I have to go in to work. Childcare is not easy but so far I have been very lucky and still able to go into work every day.

It is really strange going through ghost towns to get to work and walk through corridors that used to be absolutely packed and bustling with patients, families, friends, visitors and businesses... but now are so quiet that meeting a non-hospital staff on the corridor comes as a surprise.

Stay safe everyone.

Hello ladies!

Hope you and yours are safe and well x

Same old here, glad to say, healthy and bored! 🙏

Solicitor appt over ExH financials were enlightening! He’s claiming that my daughter lives with him...not!
He’s claiming child benefit for her at his mums address, she doesn’t live there, and he’s not on electoral roll there!

Most importantly, in his ‘offer’ he wants to prosecute me for fraud as the loans and mortgage taken out during our marriage were done by me for my own profit! And then have the house put in his name solely😂🤣

I don’t know if anyone remembers, but last May was my sons 18 birthday and the police turned up.
My daughter, son and ex blamed me.
Well, in the papers is the fact that he reported me to the police for fraud a few days earlier! They didn’t even talk to me when here.
Just ruined his birthday poor kid.

The next day, I paid for his friends and him to have a BBQ party in the nice weather!

I have been away from his chaos a while now, and forgot just how much drama he thrives on!!
I don’t believe I could have stooped that low if I had to.
In fact, with all he has done to me I have taken the high road when I could have made one phone call and made his world stop.

I’m proud of myself.

So, all that said,
I have answered some of the questions, asked for proof of others, given him 30 days to comply, at that stage if things aren’t sensible ( and they won’t be with captain chaos in the mix!) I’m am going straight to court.

This year is proving to be interesting at the least!!
Health is wealth!

Love and hugs to you all, 🦠❤️🤗

So sorry to hear that @user1486131602.
I am puzzled by people who don't want to just have peace in their life and move on.

One thing you should bear in mind is that this throwing a whole lot of crap at someone in a divorce process is a way of negotiation. The aim of this, is for him to come away with more.

Keep focused. Don't get distracted by all the nonsense.

It is really hard to do but try your best to keep the emotions at bay.

This too will pass.

Itsmeandimscared:

Thanks for the reply!
No more distractions as I said, it has been a very hard 14 months but I have had time to work on myself and really get back to being me! I am laughing at silly things, talking to the dog, listening to the birds, and even the complete stillness and really enjoying it all.
Nature was always a passion and now I have the time and will to remember!

He can throw whatever he likes at me, he’s just making himself look like a complete idiot.....we will end up in court coz he’s got to win.... but I’m sure the judge will see thru all of that and the other stuff!

I’m just sorry my daughter can’t see thru him, but it won’t be long before he’s ill again, and then she will have to deal with him alone. Maybe, thats supposed to happen for her to come home. But, I’m no longer upset or tearful about that or her.

I hope these strange times are not adding to your worries and stresses, look after yourself and take care of yours, chat here if you’d like

Love and hugs ❤️🤗

@user1486131602 sorry to hear your struggles but so pleased you are so positive and upbeat. Keep strong. 🙂🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared stay safe 🤗🤗

How is everyone else? 🤗🤗

Tough here, kids particularly challenging and have been physically and emotionally and verbally abusing me. On the plus side I can recognise this straight away and talk to them about it. Not sure if that is learnt behaviour from ex or stress from lockdown.

Ex sent me abusive messages this morning and was abusive over the phone last week partly in the kids hearing as it was initially on speaker phone. The kids are still having contact with him as gov info allows. But not as much.

Parents also struggling and driving me nuts with constant phone calls.
Having to shop for them and two other vulnerable households.

House still on the market , but who knows when that will all start up again.

Stay safe everyone, thinking of you all xx

@RoseMartha, you are coping incredibly well with all you've got going on right now. I'm glad you recognise when the kids are not treating you well. At least you're not talking it personally either. It's a stressful time and I'm sure their behaviour will improve once things calm down a bit. Hope you can ignore H abuse.

@user1486131602, I'm so glad you're feeling yourself again, that's fantastic news. I hope it doesn't come to court but you sound confident. I'm sure the judge will get to the truth.

@Itistimeandiamscared, it sounds like you are working in the health sector, which must be very full on right now. Thank you for all you are doing. Sending you strength. Stay safe. One good thing that may come out of all this is that the health sector and other keyworkers might just get better pay and recognition.

Right now I am doing better at taking things a day at a time. I'm focusing a bit more on me and the kids and H verbal abuse is getting to me a bit less at the moment. That said I had a worrying day last week when H tried to take ds out while drunk and I had to stop him. Horrid. Was shouted at by both of them. Trying to get through to DV helpline about possible accommodation options but as expected they're very busy. Will keep trying as I have a feeling that things will go down hill again soon.

By the way, and I hope none of you need it, but if you need emergency services and can't talk, you can dial 999 then 5,5. They will know you can't talk and will have your location. Just in case...

Take care all of you. Stay safe xxx

Hi ladies!
I hope the bunny was kind to you all 🐣🐰
Captain chaos strikes again! He turned with an egg for my son, and had him said in the car with him and grandmother saying: we haven’t got and no one around where nan lives has either! Dint know he had X-ray vision for viruses!🦠. Bloody idiot! Son had to do a complete clean down ....like as if he was infected with plutonium, as I have conditions!
Just for an egg!

Bumped into an old friend ( not literally!) and got talking about our divorces....hers some time ago, she recommended a solicitor. Now, as you know I have been unhappy the way my solicitor has been handling things.......so I chatted for a few mins with hers.......dear God! Polar opposites! All of a sudden I know what I’m entitled to, what should have happened, how things will be in court! So! As mine has already responded to his questionnaire, I’m waiting for that reply, whilst writing a letter of complaint to the law society, then changing to Friends solicitor for court! He won’t know what’s hit him!!

I’m sorry to hear that some of you are stuck in the same place, and trapped with the virus. I am too worried about what this means for the house price, etc. But since everyone will be in the same position I’m hoping all will be even.

Sending love and strength to you all. And reminding you that one day at a time is all you can manage right now. Include yourselves in the care you are giving.

A tortoise takes a long time to get anywhere, but he always moves forward xx

Love and hugs 🤗❤️🙏

Stay safe. HEALTH IS WEALTH xx

Wow!
I really thought we would be on her supporting each other more with the virus......🦠😮
I’m sincerely hoping that you are all ok and that nothing too untoward has happened during lockdown.

We are healthy and bored, for which I’m grateful.

I wish the same for each of you, but a few words would be reassuring!

HEALT IS WEALTH, love 💔 and hugs 🤗 xx

Hi @user1486131602, good to hear from you. You sound good and quite relaxed. How is your DS? How are coping with shopping and getting groceries?

I think because of the lockdown, it has slowed down stuff for some of us, so they come on here less.
And the rest of us are just in survival mode because we are having too much of 'STBXH/H/exHs' contact/interaction/issues... It can be so overwhelming that opening your mail seems like a massive job. So we are coming here less.

For me work has been crazy busy and I am constantly tired. I am also homeschooling when not at work. STBXH is in fighting mode and taking it out on DC. They have resorted to not picking his calls. (I got them a number & phone so he could call/video call them whenever during this lockdown period). So he is blowing up my phone calling multiple times, sending text messages saying he wants to speak to them etc.
I have asked them why they are avoiding his calls, they said he is always telling them off, sometimes they don't feel ready to take his calls because they have to mentally prepare themselves and if they don't sound happy on his phone calls, he tells them off for not sounding happy. They said because he is recording every call.

I understand how they feel. I have been his punch bag for years. It is horrible. The things he says, how he says it. You feel dirty, undeserving, lacking, inadequate when he has finished.

I am between a rock and a very hard place. DC should feel safe with me and I can't force them to call him or pick his calls. And when he calls me I also miss his calls or text him that the kids will call him back or pick his call and say I am out atm. How long can that go on for?
He is only getting madder and DC will be on the receiving end.

I can't tell him DC don't want to take his calls because he will be even nastier.

So yesterday was an odd day because I spent it feeling anxious and unable to settle /focus on anything.

Covid -19 wise, DC and I are all well. Lots of my work colleagues have been falling ill from Covid-19...it has been going round our unit. I have not had it yet.
Keeping my fingers crossed...

A big hello to everyone. Keep safe. Hope you are all well.

Hi itsmeandimscared

Wow! No wonder you haven’t been here!

Firstly, thank you for everything you’re doing at work👏👏👏👏

Sounds like your D.C. are trying to parent the parent! The ex doesn’t sound like he’s grown or changed at all, perhaps the calls should be monitored. Remember if he’s recording them he IS going to use that. I believe there an app where they have to call thru any language etc cuts the call off. I’ll try look that up for you.

Well, food shopping?!🙄🦠
Every twonk in the universe seems to go When I do!
It had gotten to the stage where we were taking turns licking the shelf in the fridge ( last decent shop in Feb! ) so, I cleaned it out....then you could actually lick them!🤣😮
Made a mask, as the ones I ordered haven’t arrived, conversely the filters for them have....then went to the supermarket myself. Finally, got a lanyard and registration done. Took two hours as have to follow the rules etc, but got everything in one go and fully stocked for a while!
Did feel a bit of an idiot tho, wearing bright yellow washing up gloves as they didn’t have any others! Oh well! Needs must!

I have this anxious feeling in the background all the time, I’m sure you know what I mean, I can feel he’s up to something again! Still haven’t heard from my daughter, but not expecting to.
When this divorce is finally over I think I’ll send her copy of what been done and decided. No more lies.

Stay safe at work. Take all the love, in any form you can get it, from your kids, what I wouldn’t give to hug my daughter with this virus thing, look after your own needs as well or you will burn yourself out.

Try nanny napping. ( quick sleep on the sofa) it used to be what kept me going, although my sleeping isn’t great right now, that’s the same for everyone, I am getting to sleep at night and getting sleep regularly and I know what a difference it makes.

Again, thank you, and stay safe...HEALTH IS WEALTH

Love and hugs ❤️🤗👏🦠❤️

Hi @user1486131602 😂😂😂😂😂@lick the fridge.
And @ bright yellow gloves.
Now I have all these crazy images running through my brain and I keep laughing out loud.

Yeah, grocery shopping for me is a nightmare. I have to go to multiple shops because the shops around here are understandably still not fully stocked. Some shops you have to be there very early in the morning (they stack the shelves overnight or early morning) and other shops are stacking shelves anytime between 10am and 1pm.
There are still number limits on stuff and I am unable to go get groceries often.
But so far, so good we have somehow been managing.

I know that background anxious feeling so well!! And it can get really bad.. So to bring the levels down a bit, I tell myself that he is probably thinking the same about me.

I sincerely believe your daughter will 'get it' one day... I just hope it will not be too late for you both then. She doesn't get it... and there is no way she will understand now. But she will.
You are doing the right thing for you.

Stay safe. Stay happy.

Itsmeandimscared

I’m glad those images brightened your day 🤣😮🙄🤣

I don’t think anything will make my daughter come home unless she breaks up with her boyfriend.....but who knows? Hard to put something right when you don’t know what it is!

Seeing lawyer no2 certainly changed my point of view and my determination to get it. Letting me live in the house and nothing else must seem like bargain of the yr about now!

Anyway, my one toed sloth has just got up! Yes I know what the time is!
Going to get a cuppa before he goes back to gaming! 🤪🤷‍♀️

Stay safe. Sending love and hugs ❤️🤗

Hi those of you still around, and those who will come back. Our lockdown has focused on the practicalities around ill health. You may recall that I am waiting for an operation that has been cancelled because of COVID19, well H is eyeing me up and wondering if I might die! To be honest, I am wondering that myself. I think I might already have a very mild case so hoping it stays that way and tails off to nothing.

DD came home from uni she has been undergoing tests for a heart condition there, now there is a big hoo ha about getting her any support back here, apparently our GP could e-mail the cardiologist but to be honest its much easier if they pretend they can't understand what's happening. So that's been very stressful and scary.

All I am focussed on is keeping everyone well, and unfortunately under the circumstances we need H for practical stuff like shopping. He must think I am going to die as he did the weeding without complaint the other day. Never done that in 30 years. He's been fairly calm to be honest - possibly as he's pondering a future alone . I'm a bit of a misery and self absorbed so not been on much.

I do think of you all though and admire what you are coping with.

@DishingOutDone, that must be very difficult having to wait for your operation. I'm really sorry to hear that, it must be stressful. And with your daughter having health issues too! I hope your GP is helpful with this, it sounds as though they should be prioritising her. I'm glad your H is being ok and helping a bit. I think in these strange times whatever helps get us through is good.

@user1486131602, glad you are still well - and licking the fridge!? 😆 Whatever gets you through! 😂 It must be tough not knowing how your daughter is doing, but you are there for your son. I'm so glad you have a new solicitor, that sounds really positive.

@Itistimeandiamscared, really sorry to hear about your stbex. That's awful behaviour. And on top of what sounds like a stressful job and trying to home school. You are doing so well! Thank you for still getting out there 💙. I really hope you stay well yourself. Take care of yourself and don't try to do to much home schooling. They will be fine. Teachers will help them all catch up!

Hope and strength to all ♥️♥️♥️

News alert!

Had a message at 2am on weds/thurs"........or was my daughter!

We chatted for two hours about nothing just polite stuff, I ended the conversation saying, I will wait for you message me again and we can take things from there!
Still don’t know much about what and why, that’s for another time.
It’s true! Good things come to those who wait! 😁

Don’t know when she will get back to me, but each of us made it clear that the other wants contact.

Oh! And healthy and bored to report here!
Health is wealth, stay safe everyone xx

@user1486131602, that's fantastic news.
Very exciting but please don't get your hopes too up.... She needs to show consistency in wanting to be in touch with you.
I am genuinely pleased for you.

I am at work... busy night.
We have lost 6 babies in the last 1 week. So heartbreaking. Tonight, I find myself leaving no stone unturned investigating any change in behaviour, vital signs etc that does not make sense. I am sure I must be annoying my team.

I had an anxiety attack befire coming into work. My income not matching to our needs... My new hospital rotation is paying £400 less a month... I could cry.
I am fastly leaving the prime of my life behind and I am not a homeowner. And I have no savings. I feel so sad and scared of the future.
I battle feelings of inadequacy about the sort of mum I am, about my work, about my life....

Right now, I have an objective to give the best care possible and hand over living better or stable patients to the day team. So for now I feel happy.
I just dread end of the month/start of the month.

@DishingOutDone, I keep you in my thoughts always and really hope a date for your surgery comes through soon. Hope things are still calm at home. Thinking of you often.

@Tiddleypops, so nice to hear from you. How are things? Hope the lockdown has not been too difficult for you.

Love nad strength to everyone.

Itsmeandimscared

Dear god, what a living hell. I don’t know how to start to console you. xx

These are strange times for us all.

I don’t want to be glib, but, please stop adding pressures onto yourself. We all had goals and achievements, but the world stopping spinning, a partner who had nothing to ‘give’ and a disease that could wipe us all out wasnt really in the mix when we made our plans !

I didn’t expect to be my age, starting again. I didn’t expect to be abused. Left homeless.Have no savings or future plans, blah, blah. But for now that’s not important.

I am so sorry to hear that your extra work will pay less, look into universal credit for help with your rent.

Thank you for your words about my daughter, I know that you are right but I am happy and grateful to know that she isn’t cutting me out of her life. One day at a a time.

Having had a child born 12 weeks early and was in the NICU for 10 weeks I can understand the level of care you are giving. Thank God for those like you who do. I can also understand what this takes out of you.
So, thank you and God bless you.

As for me so, for you.....one day at a time xx

Love and hugs

@user1486131602, I was really happy to hear your daughter got in touch. It really is lovely news. And my prayers is that it is the start of healing and building back that relationship.

You are so right. We did not plan to have a collapsed marriage, an abusive partner, to have no savings and to be starting over at this time in our lives. It is crap.

We rotate to a new hospital every 6 months. I rotated to this hospital start of March. It is a big hospital, a referral centre for a many different specialties with a tertiary level NICU with surgery. So we are busy as hell. Have the most delicate and tricky cases. I thought wages were uniform across hospitals. And that 'busy' hospitals paid a little 'extra/bonus' for the different (increased) workload in comparison to 'less busy' other hospitals. I honestly did not expect to have a wage reduction.

I am truly worried about how we would get by. I will look into universal credit. Thanks for that advice.

Last night, was crazily busy but I feel fulfilled because I know I did a good job. I gave excellent care. It is hard to believe that you could spend an entire shift and not get a break. I started last night at 8pm by immediately running to theatre for an emergency and until 5am before myself and colleague could grab a drink of water. And we were straight back to work till 9am. But just as we were about to handover to the day team, we had 3 crashes! Obviously, going home was delayed.

And we could do 4 nights in a row or 5. I would come home and still have to look after the children (weekends were worse because no nursery or school), feed them, play with them and then head back to work again that night . I used to get so badly sleep deprived. And I got no support or help with DC from STBXH, instead it was fights because I didn't want to attend social functions we had been invited to because I badly wanted to sleep.
I really don't miss the marriage at all. I just want to feel positive and hopeful about my future.
Thanks for listening (reading) If anyone got through that.
It is funny just now when I wrote I don't really miss the marriage, I felt a quiet confident conviction in my heart. It was like a burden was let go. I have known that I am better out of that marriage... Actually glad to be out of it. So surprised at this feeling just now. I feel lighter somehow.

Sorry to use you all as my sounding board. I know we are all having difficulties.
Have a lovely evening.