Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

How is everyone?
Nothing changed here really. Still dire. Still living together. Affecting kids behaviour. Although he might move when things are agreed, meanwhile i have had some advice re renting a flat short term but person went on holiday, so nothing has happened with that yet. Still
to-ing and fro-ing with finance agreement.

Hi, everyone.
I have not been here for months. I wasn't..haven't been coping well. I kinda of found myself frozen and unable to act. I was also consumed with an overwhelming sadness and incapable of functioning beyond waking up, caring for the kids and spending sleepless troubled nights. And repeating the pattern day after day after day. Just focusing on the kids. My work has suffered...but they have been very supportive. I withdrew from interacting with friends and family...luckily they haven't given up on me!

Current state of affairs - We remain separated. No contact arrangements in place, we tried to organise something but we couldn't agree. And there is no discussion or anything in the works towards this.
I found out last month that he stopped paying the rent since November. So was owing three months rent unbeknownst to me. Since last month, actually.. since december, he has not given me any money or clothes or food or a pencil or anything for that matter towards the maintenance of our kids. So things are extremely tight.
He continues to see the kids when he wants at his place..the occasional weekend. He continues to tell the kids I am not to be trusted, I have ruined their lives, they should blame me for what is happening because I wanted this for them. He refuses to speak to or communicate with me except when he wants to see the children.

Progress so far - I have applied for housing benefits and was successful. I get about 30% of the monthly rent.
-House and council tax is now in my name and I am up to date with all bills for March.
-I have paid off one month's arrears rent. Still have two months outstanding.
-I have changed the locks
-I am doing very well with looking after the children and also doing a great job supporting them emotionally and mentally.
-Also so far they haven't gone hungry and they remain clothed.
-The house has continued to be clean and tidy.
-I have been able to continue to provide cooked meals for the kids..well mostly cooked meals. There were periods where the phone/takeaway played a very essential role in keeping them fed. Luckily, those periods are less now.
-I have changed some things around in the bedroom and have made it mine. My space. And I love it.
-I have a date to go out with friends for a meal or cinema ..whatever we eventually decide.
-I now feel safe and secure in my home now. And with my life. I have some peace of mind.

They may seem very small and inconsequential things but I am very grateful for these.

I am fearful of the future and how things will play out. I have no financial means for court etc and I don't qualify for legal aid.
I still lack the energy to start anything e.g sort out contact arrangements, get him to support his children financially etc
I still have bad days and feel on the brink of tears constantly but I am starting to have good days.

I have read through the whole thread..catching up...i can't help but admire all of you..your strength. I see that though things are moving slowly for everyone...they are surely moving.
Everyone has made some progress. And it is heartening to see this.
to everyone.

@Itistimeandiamscared sending hugs
You are doing a great job with everything and should not beat yourself up for it. You are providing the best fir your kids.

When i read your post about getting up, looking after kids and the going to bed routine, sounds like me. Everything else is just a struggle and i dont know about you but i feel like i am in the sea in a storm and my head is just above the water but big waves keep crashing over my head and i wonder if it will ever be better.

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared I really smiled when I read the positives in your post. I feel a bit up and down and it really is those little things that make all the difference. You sound as though you are starting to find YOU again.

@RoseMartha I am so so sorry to hear that nothing much has changed for you I really hoped that some progress would have been made by now. It is so horrible having that you are having to live with him and that he is essentially punishing you all. Have you seen your GP at all? I am on mild antidepressants and it has definitely helped these last few months.

It seems the way of these men that their sense of entitlement means that they want to hang on and punish us. I too have felt that the day to day getting up and going through the motions is all I can manage.
I do try to take joy from the little things, but it's easier some days and harder others.

At least I can say that I am making progress. After the courts lost my petition, I've managed to get that up and running again and although H is "most unhappy at the allegation" (well, of course! Because nothing is his fault, it's all mine!) he is not going to contest it or counter-petition, so it's moving. We are still discussing childcare and finances - I have spent so long just going along with his wishes, it's difficult to break the habit. And when I do stand up for what I think it right, he just won't budge - he's not used to it.

Things will get better though @RoseMartha, they really will. You are so strong and you are a fantastic role model for your DC. The way will become clear

@Tiddleypops I tried to make dr appointment today they told me to call back Wednesday! Glad to hear they have helped you. I think I need something as last week when he verbally went for me my hands shook for half an hour afterwards.
I am pleased you have made some progress with things. 🤗

Thank you for your kind words and support.

FFS you are kidding re the GP! As if you don't already have enough to battle with, now a flippin doctor's receptionist!

Not sure about your surgery, but ours is really difficult to get an appointment at. The way they say "is it an emergency?" if I ask for a same day appointment makes me feel terrible.

Even if I'm off work really ill, I don't consider it an "emergency", if it were an emergency I'd be calling an ambulance!!
So I think reason that their definition of emergency is not quite the same as mine and so I just say "yes" as long as my need for an appointment is genuine. whenever I've had to do that, the GP certainly doesn't mind one jot. I hope you get an appointment soon. Things need to start going right for you, and they will

@Tiddleypops thankyou.
Yes I know what you mean about the receptionists. I will have to say it is urgent. I am like you I would not say it was an emergency unless it was . I rang about a month ago about something else and they told me it was not an urgent enough reason to have an appointment. I am still in considerable pain with this problem a month on.
It is also hard to fit an appointment in I have so much going on and being pulled this way and the other.
If i go about my nerves they wont let me talk about my other issue.

Hope you're having some better luck this week @RoseMartha? Have you tried the GP again? I think you should just say it's an urgent case and get the appointment. You have a lot more urgency than half the waiting room is my guess and equally as entitled to see a doctor. I hope you get somewhere with that. And with everything else for that matter

Hope you are doing OK, thinking of you

@Tiddleypops aww thank you.
I must try and ring tomorrow, the pain issue has been really bad today. I think sleeping on the floor and getting up several times a night for dd has triggered this problem off. I will try and get a double slot as two issues. Not holding out much hope. But I could hardly walk this morning.

How are you?

Divorce wise no news.
Although housing support person was supportive.

@RoseMartha, really sorry to hear about your pain and issues getting a GP appointment. With everything going on that is really an extra thing you could do without. I truly empathise with your feeling pulled this way and the other. Trying for a double slot is a good idea and insisting it is urgent. As you have called previously/been calling to make an appointment about this issue for a month now and keep getting turned away.
Can you time it so that you call the minute the surgery telephone lines opens? That's what I have to do at my surgery to get a same day appointment. If I call an hour after opening, all the available same day & even telephone appointments would be gone.
I actually would be calling today to get an appointment for one of the kids.
I wish you success when you call today.
I totally understand the feeling you described as feeling like you are in the sea and caught in a storm - with your head above water level and being buffeted by big waves. I can use that description for myself too. It makes it so hard to think, to focus, to carry out tasks etc especially when you have got children to cater to, work, friends and family to keep in touch with so they don't feel like you are rejecting their help...it is just a lot. Sending you e-hugs and .

@Tiddleypops, glad you are able to get the petition up and running again. How are things with you this week so far?
Are you still going to have more mediation to sort out finances and contact arrangements. I know you are not keen on 50:50 because he is an alcoholic, do you think mediation is helping in that regards?
I am scared to get a divorce petition going...scared of how he would react. I am often left trembling when he verbally attacks me. It can be quite vicious. And he is quite underhanded and below the belt vindictive. He sees everything as an attack on his manhood.
I feel that like you, I don't think child arrangements and finances are going to be a straightfoward issue. I dread the whole thing but I have to get something started because at the moment we are in limbo and it is equally stressful.
It is just like you said, their sense of entitlement where they feel we deserve to be punished and they are the ones to do it.
Reading that it was 10 months after you separated before you got things going and now have things in motion is encouraging. I hope to overcome my fear and resultant inertia..one day. Hopefully soon.
for being so strong and determined in spite of everything.

@Itistimeandiamscared I am so sorry to hear you feel so stuck. That was definitely me last year, I felt completely in limbo and the more I tried to ease myself out, the more stuck I became because he would increase his denial and resistance to match my efforts. I am even more scared of him now his really evil, vindictive, totally immoral side is out in the open.

Mediation is really hard, last time I felt like I'd been run over by a bus by the time I came out!
But it gives me a voice and that twat has to listen.

It sounds silly to say it, but I'm 'lucky' he is an alcoholic. It is something quantifiable and gave me a reason to go to an Al-anon support group and I have really found that to be a source of great strength.
I did also go to my GP though, I'm on antidepressants and I had a course of counselling. This helped immensely. When you're stuck just getting through the days, taking care of DC and just surviving, it can be extremely difficult to do anything else. But with counselling, once a week I got an hour to offload everything onto someone else who would then help me come up with a plan to get through to the next appointment. Could you have a course of counselling perhaps?

I am well and truly broken now, but there's a huge difference I think, between living with a constant draining fear and pain which has no end point, compared to now, where I feel like I'm fighting a bloody battle towards the light, and I know it will come if I keep going. The thought that at some point over this massive hill, there's a time I'll be able to have a nice long, peaceful period of recovery keeps me going I think.

@RoseMartha, I agree with the above. Do not be put off by the doctors receptionist questioning whether you are in urgent need of an appointment today or not. You are. Don't even discuss the reasons on the phone. You are worthy of being seen by a doctor TODAY and the doctor will agree. Call up as soon as the surgery opens. Wishing you lots of luck

@Tiddleypops, so so sorry to hear that his immoral, vindictive self has been fully unleashed. Why do they have to be this way? Does it really have to be nasty?
I am glad counseling is giving you a lifeline and keeping you mentally afloat.
I know you feel well and truly broken and I want to encourage you that you are filled with incredible strength even you don't realise you have. You are well and truly broken but you are still up...still fighting..still reaching towards the light at the end of this nasty, trying, heartbreaking journey of a tunnel. Something in you will not just lie down and give up.
That's incredible strength. Very incredible strength. We are talking gladiator material.
He should be very afraid. for not giving in. I admire your strength.
I think counseling is what has helped me stop my rapid descent into lying down and giving up. I am now just lying down..but gradually starting to see myself being able to stand up in the hopefully not to distant future....lolll...i don't know where all these analogies are coming from this morning .

@RoseMartha, did you get an appointment? How are you today?

@Itistimeandiamscared thank you really made me smile and brought a tear to my eye at the same time then. I shall visualise myself in a Gladiator suit from now on tee hee!

I think we ALL have a strength that we can't see in ourselves. I honestly read these updates and think - how do we all keep going? But then I remember that we are actually all moving forwards in a way which we weren't a year? Two years ago? We could have just done nothing forever but we were brave and chose to do something to claw our lives back.

I am glad to hear that counselling is helping you keep going, you will get there, you really will and then it will be Summer for a long long time and you will deserve to really enjoy it

@Tiddleypops and @Itistimeandiamscared 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 for you both.

Thank you for your messages. I did get appointment receptionist told me I could only discuss one thing.
Anyway I said all things really quickly. Being sent for blood tests and xrays. And referred to a service for people with anxiety and low mood. So it was finally worth going. Dr was concerned about my living and sleeping conditions. Have been told by dr to make appointment when results are back.

Thanks you both again for encouraging me to go. 🤗

@RoseMartha phew I'm so glad you went 🤗🤗

@RoseMartha, that's great. How do you feel now?
Even though you still have lots on your plate, does it feel like a satisfactory tick off one thing on the list?
If yes, can you give yourself a little pampering this evening... An early night or a Soak with or without candles/battery operated tealights (same effect) or paint your nails very carefully and very slowly, or a face mask, or an evening stroll or play some music or.....
I used to find it a massive deal opening up and talking about what was going on in my head or talk about my feelings relating to what's going on...even if it was to my GP..i used to find it a massive deal. But afterwards I always felt better for seeking support. I wonder if it is the same for you?
I hope you have a better evening today.

@Itistimeandiamscared and @Tiddleypops thank you.
I feel relieved I went and managed to ask everything.
No chance of a pamper, kids acted up with h mainly which put the pressure on. And finally went to sleep about an hour ago! So have been reading in bed for a while to relax.

Hope you both have good Thursday x

Hi i'm on several other threads on this subject but it's scary when you realise that there are other people out their in the same and worse situation to yourself.
This is my second marriage and second failure on my part, the first one I married too young and pleaded with my family to let me come home after 18 months but they are very old fashioned and refused, it took me seven years to leave, in the end I had to change my job and my address as I just had to walk out, he came after my parents with a shotgun and the police had to get involved, I escaped with 30K but a chance to make a new life. I thought that when I met this man currently I was lucky and found the right one, but things went wrong when our son was born nearly 8 years ago, he left when he was 10 days old, he had moved me from our families and support 200 miles so he could start his new position, and then dumped me with no support no friends, no family. Now I want a divorce and he says I am going to be financially sorted and in a better position than when I entered it, my divorce bill is 10K which I can't afford it will have to come out of the settlement, my solicitor says his offer for financial is rubbish and that I have to sit through mediation again, it's alright for them it took 3 months of angry conversations to sit through contact arrangements, sitting through financial now is going to be painful and I am dreading it, I want to take it to court but scared, very scared that it will be offered at less than he is offering. Why do men make us suffer so much, he was the one that walked out, it's only because I started the divorce he has come back and started playing daddy to his son, which is okay I want him to try and have a relationship with him but my god it hurts.

@CF43, I can see this is very difficult for you. I am sorry it is this hard...i don't know why men like this want to make the other party suffer.
And it is frustrating when what we think is fair does not match up to what they feel we deserve. I can see why you are tempted to take it to court, I can also see your concerns that you may get less. It is a difficult choice. Maybe in this case it all boils down to 'which decision irrespective of outcome can you live with?' I really wish I could help.
It sounds like you both have agreed the contact arrangements, does he live nearby? When he left, it sounds like he had no contact with his DS for the last 7yrs. Was he in the same town with you both and not seeing his DS?
I want to encourage you to try and remain positive, so that gives room for ideas to come in...fingers crossed, mediation turns out a lot better than you expect. You never know.
All the best.

He would see him at weekend when he felt like, but every time I made noises about divorce he would come back and help out for a while, when my son turned seven last year he said he wanted a different dad and to live in a different house.

Contact arrangements were agreed with mediation but he keeps saying if I don't accept his terms with financial then he won't sign the plan for contact.

It's stalling all the time and I owe 10K to solicitors, it's more than I make in a year. I know I can't give in this time but what can I do, I feel pushed into a corner. Accepting something that isn't right won't solve anything. I have to be guided by my solicitor.

@CF43 I'm so sorry about your situation. I think these men are just so bloody minded and selfish. They really think the universe revolves around them. I wish I could offer you some advice. Sending hugs and strength.
Just remember you can only do what you can do. Don't waste valuable energy on something you can't change. Identify what you can change and focus on those things. It's really hard, your situation sounds so much more difficult than mine, but I know in my case I felt a weight lift when I stopped trying to second guess him and predict the future. I just try to do what I can and I'm prepared as well as I can be for whatever happens. And that's it.

It really p... me off, he has gone on holiday this week by himself he says, then he is going away on sat with work for a week should be back for our son's 8th birthday party then going away again till he is supposed to be having him for easter break. It annoys me that he can just come and go as he pleases and spends money when he wants and what we have nothing.

My solicitor has issued the letter this morning for court attendance, whilst i hope he comes to his senses and sit's down with his solicitor to work it out, I can't now see that happening till after easter.