Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@Happierwithouthim, he's struggling to keep a lid on things, isn't he? Not showing himself in a very good light either mediation or with the solicitor
Arrangements with the kids need to be way more structured. THEY need to know what they are doing and when. Shift work is one thing, but choosing overtime at the last minute over the kids? WTF? I'll be surprised if they are even bothered about seeing him when they are older if this is his attitude. Hope you can pin something down properly, for everyone's sanity

@RoseMartha, I hope you can get things sorted access wise too. Yes, a 'relaxed approach' benefits no one apart from him, whatever spin he tries to put on it.

I've just found more credit card receipts. So as well as screwing me over directly financially, he's also running up debts. Perhaps i should speak to my solicitor about this.

Solicitor just shrugged his shoulders and said we've all got to earn a living, but I said ya but we've got to be parents too. H said straight up he wasn't going to refuse weekend work to have his children.

tiddley that's awful, is he running debt up in your name or joint names?

Debts are in his name only, but obviously we are still jointly liable until we are divorced .
He can have until the end of the week to pay me for the joint household bills, and assuming I get nothing, I'm going to get the solicitor involved.

Mine paid back what he borrowed from joint account on Friday and then borrowed 80% of it again on Sunday WTAF, he's going to find it difficult when there's no joint account to dip into isn't he?

I'm paying back cc debt at the moment that's in my name because I want to get a mortgage on my own and it'll only come against me. It sucks as it's not my own personal debt

Hi mammynow.
I'm in a similar position where my wife destroying our marriage has resulted in me having my daughter one or two nights a month because of my wife and job. I don't feel like a dad anymore. I dropped her off with her mum last night not knowing when I'll honestly see her again and I just wanted to cry. I'm so down and sad at the moment. And I moved out of the house in August but I just can't motivate myself now.
I feel like curling up and dying sometimes

I'm paying back half of my wife's debts as there in my name. I basically been told there is nothing I can do as I became liable as soon as I made the first payment about 6 years a go. I've now got 2 more years of debt , 2 ccjs and I'm in a 1 bed rented flat

Just so people no. I the man who you advices to ring my daughter for chats as often as possible but I've had to change my nickname

Hi yellowshirt that sounds very difficult for you. Instead of calling are you able to face time her?

@Happierwithouthim It just doesn't sound fair.

@Tiddleypops Let us know how you get on.

I had a hell of a day with appointments related to events which transpired over the weekend affecting me and the kids. Kids are awake and unsettled and I feel i could sleep for a week but will be lucky to get five hours. Meanwhile putting more feelers out to try and move. All the private rents have massive deposits. Even the one beds, think I can manage short term in a one bed if I can get a decent second hand sofa bed. It must be better than the floor surely.

Oh Yellowshirt, it sounds so unfair. You've had a very raw deal. Did you say you are divorcing? There will have to be some sort of dividing up of the finances (debts and any assets).

@RoseMartha what's happening, have you managed to find somewhere to move to? One bed flat has to be better that being abused. Kids will be safe then. I hope you are OK

@Tiddleypops hi how are you? How is your week?

Things are pretty rubbish. I was pushed from one housing association to another neither taking responsibility. If I declare us homeless we might be put in a refuge 60 miles away. Our whole support network small as it is will be non existent. Also they said it would probably count as me making us intentionally homeless even though we are being abused and therefore they would not do anything or if we were in a refuge we would then not be able to stay. Complicated by the fact I half own the house. They finally Recommended I continue a record of events phoning the police whenever necessary. And try to get him out through my solicitor.

The positive news. I went into a few estate agents and registered my interest in cheap flats for private rent. Ie £550-700 pcm. That is cheap where I am. This is a bit nerve wracking as I would have to fund ten weeks rent upfront and can not claim universal credit until in the flat. 😕

I feel like no one (official people/agencies) are really offering any good support or ideas . Very teary this week feel a failure I cant get us out the house.

@RoseMartha I found that too that even with all the support agencies out there you have to really sort things yourself, that no one will do stuff for you you've to fight all the way & it's so hard when the fight is gone from you from putting up with stuff for so so long that you wondering sometimes is it really as bad as I think it is.

I hope you can manage to get that rent together

Tomorrow our house is being valued by two estate agents. I've been doing my best to make the place look presentable. I'm tired now though so going to sleep

@RoseMartha, that is utterly disgusting and shocking. The support services are seriously lacking. You own half a house, so effectively you are screwed. The fact that there is an abuser living there seems to count for nothing. You need temporary help, why is it so hard (when you are already ground down). I think you are so brave

I do agree that a record of events and call the police if you are scared is a must. That way, could you get HIM out with an occupation order or whatever it is called?? My solicitor said I could try for this, and my situation a lot more tolerable than yours.

@Happierwithouthim how did the valuation go?

@Tiddleypops how are things?

No change here. Felt very down this week. Can private rent but only claim UC for 6 months. 😕 that might not be long enough. Not sure i can afford to get the order to get him out. He still has not officially responded to letter from solicitor.

Did the solicitor give him a deadline @RoseMartha?

I'm fed up, I feel stuck. H did give me some money this week towards the bill which is something. We have mediation next week which I'm dreading.

@RoseMartha it was a tough day emotionally. One of them has come back with a figure I'm not sure if it's too low, the other guy will ring on Monday.
H was very reasonable & offered his assistance with whatever home I buy which I politely refused.
Good news though he's agreed to waive his share of our tracker mortgage so that I can avail of it
Got my appointment for legal aid but I'm not sure if I'm in the right place to use it yet so I'm going to think about that.

My h told me he was not going to engage with any solicitors letters, I'm not sure if I need to bring him to court regarding access & maintenance or not yet, I think go ahead with house sale first & go from there.

Going to tell dc at midterm break by myself because he told them about separation and left them thinking it was temporary.

Tiddley is he only giving you some bill money to avoid you getting more serious about it?

My wife got the house valued this week it's not a surprise to me it is £10000 pound less that the valuation I got only 7 months a go. Remarkable hay! So I invested £23000 in the house including the 10% deposit and the equity she is offering me is £18000 and there is nothing I can do. Is it right for her to dictate my equity share before we even start divorce???
Private rent is horrible. I also tried to get a council house for myself and daughter but got told there was no help available because I'm not homeless and I work.
So if I retire age 37 do I then get a house???

@Tiddleypops yes I know this stuck thing is horrible. The kids and I just cant move out. If necessary we can now go to a friend for couple of days as she kindly offered. Sending you 🤗🤗. He gave you money to cover a bill? Sending good wishes for the mediation.

@Happierwithouthim can you get another quote as well. Each estate agent differs when I had ours valued i got three done for form E, there was a 30k difference from highest to low and we only live in the cheaper houses in our area. Good luck with your appointment. My h told me he was going to drag it out as long as possible. I sometimes think they are the same person.

@Yellowshirt i have recently found out too because I half own house council will not help. So it doesnt matter that we are getting abused because I half own house I am stuck.
Sending best wishes because it sucks it really does. Hope you can move forward soon

I found this thread while looking for advice on separation. I am 6 months down the line from telling DH I want to separate, still living together, 2 young DC.
I was writing out a massive post but essentially he is so bloody passive about everything and won’t agree to sort anything. He wants us to sign a separation agreement but keeps turning down my child arrangement proposals but won’t as yet offer an alternative. Neither of us can afford to move out until the house is sold, but he won’t agree to get the house on the market until the child arrangements are sorted. Even though the arrangements wouldn’t kick in until the house is sold. And he declined to tell me this until I had the estate agent in the house taking the photos, even though the appointment was booked with his consent 2 weeks prior
I’m sharing my 6 yr old’s bedroom at the minute and just so fed up that he has the run of the house, comes and goes as he pleases, then sends these oh so amicable messages and emails whilst not doing anything to actually move things forward.

@Bringmewineandcake welcome. Sending a hug. It is so frustrating isnt it? I have spent the hours trying to find a way for me and kids to leave the house. But there is a brick wall at every turn. My solicitor has written a letter but h didnt even respond to that other than tell me he is not going but pointed to door and said we know where the door is.
I could make us intentionally homeless but council advised me against it saying they could not help even with a refuge.

Sending my support. Come and rant any time. We are all here to support each other.

Maybe the "no fault" divorce that is being talked about will avoid people being forced to stay in unhappy marriage?

Hi @Bringmewineandcake. Sounds familiar! I'm a year on from telling my H I want to separate. He essentially ignored me for 10 months. I had to go to a solicitor to get the ball rolling in the end, which was difficult at the time, but it was justified otherwise he'd have let us carry on like that forever

@RoseMartha, how are you doing lovely? I hope you are OK What is happening with the divorce, has there been any progress?

We had our first mediation session yesterday. It wasn't terrible (not great either!) The court has managed to cash the cheque for the divorce application, but have lost the actual application somehow. What the actual f*??!!

@Tiddleypops . Hey how are you?glad mediation was tolerable. Do you have to go again? Sending a hug, 🤗how did the court manage that? I hope it turns up soon.

Feel less depressed this week, so far 🤞🏻last week really felt I had failed the kids regarding not being able to leave the home. No news really. He has not responded to my financial proposal. But it has only been a couple of weeks. At home life is still dreadful, not looking forward to half term as he is home more days than he is working.
The constant snide and mocking comments he makes to me in front of the kids is horrendous.
There really seems to be a lack of support for women like us, where we own half a property and are in abusive relationships, but do not have the financial means to rent.
However someone is going to put me in touch with another organisation which helps people with housing options. Anything is worth trying.

Yes we have at least one more session of mediation. We need to complete the discussion around DS and we haven't yet discussed finances.
Things at home are surprisingly OK since we went. I really need to focus on the best result for my son now. H wants 50:50 custody but is an alcoholic so I can't allow it. He also works shifts so it would never work anyway. He drinks just the right side of being functional, and does such a bloody amazing job of pretending to be outraged when anyone suggests he might have a problem, that if we were to go to court I think a judge would allow him overnight care so I have to go with that I think, with some conditions around drinking (which I won't be able to either way it has sticking to, but at least it's something). I just hope I can keep it to 2 nights a week.
It's awful to say, but I wish he'd either quit altogether (which is what he needs to do), or just to the other way. I could involve social services then.

Good luck with this other organisation @RoseMartha. Everything crossed for you. Why am I not surprised that your H has not responded yet What a nightmare. You are doing so well getting through this. Don't feel you've let the kids down. Once this is over you will see them thrive and as they get older they'll know what you went through and love you all the more for it

@Tiddleypops hope that goes ok. You seem further along than I am in some respects. We have agreed nothing re contact but the last letter I sent him was October and he has not responded.
Stand firm and go with your gut feeling. I have been told to do the same and stick to my guns. Have you contacted caffcass, they gave me some advice over the phone a while ago. If it goes to court you can represent yourself. But might need a solicitor to help you put things together and advise. I am glad you found things ok at meeting and not too bad at home.

Had a dreadful day with kids being self willed and no respect for rules at home or sch, while trying to work. Good job my boss is ok about it. 😕