Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

They all read the Maximum Arseholiness For Twats manual, that's for sure.
I just can't understand the complete self centredness. He just sounds like he's being Disney Dad. They all bloody do it!

I'm just out of mediation with my lovely H. Wow. He was angry, aggressive, manipulative, lied, defensive. I hardly said anything. He really genuinely believes I owe him the fucking moon on a stick. Absolute wanker.

These are tough times for sure. On the surface of it, it might look like they are going to bully us into submission, but the very fact we are divorcing them means that we are not going to put up with their shit anymore. What they end up with is based on bullshit and since they think the world owes them, they'll soon come undone.

I should say they'll soon come undone when they don't have us there propping up their fucking egos.

The last lot of mediation we had I went in all defensive and he was quite and calm and made it look like I was the one to blame.

But he's controlling everything and is stalling the process in which I now owe 10K in solicitors bills which will have to come out of any settlement. He's refusing to sign the paperwork to make the contact arrangement legal, so that was a waste of time.

He knows that all the money is his, so he just stalling so what ever i end up with it's going to be taking up with solicitor bills.

I hate him, but i will remain calm on the outside at least.

By the way never do exercise when your angry, went for a little jog the other day blow some steam off my legs are killing me.

Hi All, Just wanted to pop in and say to you all "Just hang on in there" I haven't been on here for a while as Ex and I moved out and sold family home a couple of months ago. Since then all I can say is life has got so much better - no more bullying - no more having to play grey rock - no more tip-toeing around an angry self centred man who would do anything to make me look bad.

I have given "away" a lot - I have compromised on what I initially wanted - I have cried for what we've lost. However I am now through it, looking forward to this Year with a smile on my face (Some of you right now can't imagine that can happen - but believe me it CAN!). Sure I'm scared of being Single - I worry about getting the kids through it all - but you know what? I can do it - and you all can too. Keep your heads up and know you will be ok in the end.

Thank you @iamthrough, and congratulations on your new life! It all sounds very positive
What you now have, money cannot buy. I may end up much worse off financially, but I'll have a smile on my face too. Good luck

I will have to see how the mediation appointment goes on wednesday, i know he is out of the area till next friday, and then I don't know, can't see him getting to mediation before end of april.

We are supposed to be putting the house up for sale end of april but he won't do anything to the house to make it presentable, so down to me again.

Hi @CF43 and welcome. It sounds tough for you.
@Tiddleypops sending a hug sounds like a rough week.
@iamthrough it is good to hear from someone who has made it through and is free now.

Still living in hell here. He has told me he is not moving out. I suggested couple of options to which he refused. I did say then me and kids need to move out and rent to which he laughed in my face as thought it impossible.

Waiting on response from his solicitors at present re finance cf it is great you have sorted contact we have not yet 😕

Sorry I've not been posting much lately just felt nothing was changing but this week it has 
I got the paperwork needed to sell our house, went to view a potential house to buy & secured a community funded place for ds at play therapy.
Have a third auctioneer coming to value house on thurs & my plan is to have it on the market for 1st May.
Like cf h won't do anything to make house ready for sale so I'm beavering away at decluttering & tidying.

@RoseMartha Is your h that deluded that he thinks ye can carry on as ye are indefinitely?

@iamthrough That's a fantastic update well done 👍

Hi, the latest is that he says he's had enough of everything and wants it to be concluded as soon as possible, however he won't go to mediation for financial settlement and he doesn't want to go to court. So now what.

He's away for the next week,and I have an appointment at mediation next week so see what they say. This can't go on though.

@Happierwithouthim you seem to be moving forward in baby steps. 
He is still trying the control tactic whenever possible. Either mentions selling or telling me he is never moving out. Finance negotiations have been going on for about 6 months.

Honestly, I think he will struggle to cope on his own, at least initially. He can just about manage to do a freezer dinner or pop a pie or pizza in the oven and at a push make spaghetti bolognaise . He refuses to clean kitchen or bathroom, or to do laundry and has never ironed or sewn on a button etc in his life. Also never dusts and never hoovers anything other than lounge and hasnt hoovered lounge for about 15 months. Can wash up and empty bins but wont. Leaves it all to me. I am lucky if he mows the lawn.

@CF43 What does your solicitor advise?

Sounds about right, mine is the same, won't cut the lawn in case it hurts his back then he can't go out on his bike. He has never put the rubbish out in his life or moved them back when they've been.

My solicitor is saying take him to court, but we have to go to mediation first, so my appointment is this week but he is away with work again so can't see him having an appointment for few weeks. You have to attend first meeting to get a form or something. he wants to sit down and work out what I what ourselves and then run it past the solicitor - but i don't think it is a good idea.

@CF43 they must be related 🙄🙄🤗

I would do it all through mediation you never know if he might be bluffing or pressuring you to choose something you dont want. Rate I am going we will have to do this too.

Happy Mother's Day one & all

Hi all, I have been there and I'm now happier than I've ever been. I've blogged about the cycle of heartbreak and how to get through it www.clairemnorman.co.uk/?page_id=39
Theres also an option to watch my video of my top tips to get over heartbreak...hope it helps x

Oh my goodness, I was scared of making the decision to separate, but now I’m even more scared of spending a year in the same house as him afterwards. How on earth do you all do it? I don’t think I can manage his passive aggressive attitude for another year.

Welcome @Queazy 🤗

I never envisaged staying in the same house for this long and it's not easy, that's for sure. I told my H in Feb 2018 that I wanted to separate
I didn't start the divorce until December though, I thought we'd do that after living separately, but that didn't fit with his agenda. He needs to punish me for daring to make a stand and take back my life.

To be honest though, once the divorce was started at least I knew there would be an end point. I can't force him to move out, but I can be optimistic about the future now and it no longer relies on what that twunt does, my future really is mine

What's your situation? I hope you are OK. Come and vent anytime you need too!

@Queazy you get through it because you don't look at it like that, you just take one day at a time, and get stronger in yourself and everytime they do something wrong it reconfirms your decision that you're making the right choice for you and any dc you have. For me H assaulted me in early Sept and I called the gardai and once the protection order was in place he moved out so I suppose that moved the living apart thing along more quickly, up to that he was behaving like rosemartha and tiddleypops h's thinking the situation could go on indefinitely
A friend of mine whose husband cheated was bought out of her home and had a new place bought within 6 months of separating so every situation is different

Hi I've just been to the first mediation appointment again for finances, she says that we have to fill in all the forms again before we can go any further, to be honest I have had enough, this started in May 2018 it's nearly a year and 10K in debt to a solicitor, I can't see that mediation is going to get me anywhere with him.

I don't know what to do, do i sit through the mediation again - with the vain hope that he will commit to it this time or just say s.. it and take him to court. If I take him to court it could be another 4-8K at least. If i went the mediation way its £150.00 an hour, and £150.00 for each plan that we come up with, ie. the contact and mediaiton.

He says he doesn't want to do mediation or court, he says he won't sign the plan for contact unless we implement the changes now, but we are in the same household. We've agreed to put the house on the market end of april to see what interest we get but i have to do all the hard work, this is as well as trying to hold down three jobs and keep my son interested, although , he does like painting, even if the accurancy is somewhat to be desired he did do a good job on the woodwork out the front, and he loves cutting bushes down, even if the bush takes a whole year to grow again its the thought.

I want this to be over with now, i am fed up with my life on hold, but here's hoping at least by christmas this year we should be settled, i hope so.

cf43 I waited 6 months last year for mediation to sort things out, free service in ROI and then pay for solicitor to review separation agreement and get it drawn up, only for him to f it up and for mediator to call a halt to it and ban us from mediation, and then I'd to go to solicitor and go down that route anyhow.

I think you know he's not going to commit to mediation and that you'll have to do it legally.

But isn't it a risk, I could end up in a worse situation and just owing more money.

I don't know what to do, the mediation people have advised that he has booked a meeting with them on monday for the first meeting, but I can't see it going any further, i hope they can talk some sense into him though.

It is

Sorry I didn’t reply earlier, and thanks for your replies about the living with the other person question! I just think I was so naive before about how he would just ‘have’ to move out, and the reality is just dawning on me. In many respects we’ve lived separately for bloody ages (!) but I think after a formal decision is agreed it’s going to become even more unbearable. I’m going to read through all the rest of the posts on this thread so I can get up to speed with where everyone is at. Sorry I’ve been a bit ‘me, me’.

I have a 3yo and a 5yo and husband and I have basically argued our entire marriage. We haven’t had sex in nearly four years (yep, I know ☹️) and I just think we make each other miserable. Yet also he’s my kids dad and we’ve had some good times, and he wants to make it better (or so he says in counselling, but not in action) so just a general mess.

Really sad to read some of these posts. So sorry that some of you are having to separate under these circumstances. My wife left me a month ago. It's absolutely heart-breaking (and tough for her too I know). However, I couldn't comprehend one of is acting the way some of your exes are.

@Queazy just take one day at a time is how you do it. Dont panic too much about the future and where you will live until you get to that stage. I do look at properties that I could possibly buy and it is necessary in order to talk to solicitor in regard finance order. But also depressing because I will be lucky to afford a two bed flat.
One step at a time, one day at a time.
Days when he is not working are harder to manage and Christmas was a nightmare.
But you can do this 🤗🤗

@Nash82 Sorry to hear about your situation and welcome. I hope you can both stay amicable because anything else is hell on earth and I can only do it by taking one day at a time.

I am looking forward to the day when I get to sleep in a bed again and not on the floor. (He has the bed). Never did I envision sleeping on the floor. And I thought when I started to it would be for a max of six months. I cant look as far as being in a bed again. It has to be one day at a time.

Having a difficult week as usual, he is not talking to me unless necessary and then it is stilted and awkward. And he is doing even less to help himself, his sheet is slipping off bed and his bedding hasnt been changed for months. ( i do mine and kids regularly but leave his for him to do which I guess is a shock as he never used to do it and left it to me) , nor can he now manage to stick his dirty plates etc in dishwasher!

@RoseMartha oh no, he sounds more and more vile by the minute. You are right to not change his bedding or anything. That's on him. It's more tricky with the pots though isn't it?
I am massively resentful that I'm still cooking and washing for my H, but it's not really something I can get out of without a lot of questions from DS (and anger from H!)
Is anything else happening, with regard to the divorce progressing?

@CF43 I hope you get somewhere with mediation. As you say, court is just more money. You don't want to end up doing both. I hope you hear more next week and can get things moving one way or another.

I have been feeling uneasy about what we agreed in mediation. I couldn't figure out why... Then I realised that it's because I know he won't stick to any of it. It's all bullshit! He reckons he's going to buy a house nearby (not going to happen - he isn't looking, is on the brink of losing his job, is running up debts, doesn't have any idea about adulting!) He says he will not drink when he has DS overnight (he's an alcoholic, and I don't think he even intends to try any stick to that one).

He's not moving out because why would he?! He gets to make my life difficult, gets a free roof over his head, gets food on the table etc etc. Meanwhile life is at a standstill.
The one good thing, is that the divorce etc is progressing.