Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

I've read part of this thread, but not all. I hope it's okay to jump in. I have left and filed for divorce. STBX (room to be x) was not for the divorce but said I could have it. A few months on the kids and I have moved out. He is obviously annoyed with me because he just point blank refuses communication. I invited him to DS1 consultations. Didn't reply. Didn't show up. Never returns my calls.... or texts. Sometimes replies to email but even then only address a small part of the email.

So, what does one do when in the process of divorce and the other parent refuses to communicate, even on matters regarding the children? How can we co parent if he won't participate when parenting.

I could sum up the reason for the divorce as his refusal to engage in family life, and that includes the marriage and the parenting. So I guess none of this should surprise me. But surely it's not in the children's interest for the parents to not communicate at all.

sigh....

STBX (soon to be x)

Should probably add the children are:
DD (15)
DS1 (13)
DS2 (8), ASD and ADHD and in process of lodging an appeal for the LA refusal to assess his needs for an EHCP.

You'll need to engage a solicitor and petition for a divorce on unreasonable behaviour if you want it to move quickly. Or wait for two years of separation and petition then.

You've got your DC, so will need to apply to CMS for child maintenance if he's not agreed to pay you any support (clearly not as he won't communicate)

Oh just read you've filed already. He has 7 days to respond if he's defending it or not. If not, you'll have to force the issue using other methods. Read here www.lawpack.co.uk/separation-and-divorce/articles/article8297.asp

Welcome Strix 🤗

@Tiddleypops how frustrating for you 🤗.

@Happierwithouthim sounds like you have hit a bit of a obstacle. Homes here are just not moving or not on the market at all.

Still in family home. Been to council they cant house us. Have to go to neighbouring council and ask for help. As it is classed as an abusive situation.

I am trying to decide if it is better for solicitor to ask him to leave, cant afford to go to court for this as will cost (£5k). But she can write a letter. Anticipating though that he will just refuse, if he does, i think i should then say then we move out into rented.

Been looking at rented online, might be possible if I can get some universal credit.

Not sure which option to go for. Rentals not much choice on price band. I really need a two bedroom, at a push could manage a one if decent size 😕🙁🥺

Last resort a refuge but dd has asd and this will not be the best idea.

Delay on finance issue due to solicitor being swamped in workload. So no further with things there either. Needless to say he has not responded to my second reply to contact negotiations .

A older friend, a retired lady said today she has never come across a situation where the man refuses to leave. He has told us to get out, but not prepared to leave himself. (We both own property). He has higher income.

Feeling totally fed up. Had enough of this now.

Oh @RoseMartha, it sounds so unbearable. I think of you often. You are a lot stronger than you know yourself, it really shines through

In some ways, your H is similar to mine. My H refuses to move out, doesn't see why he should 'leave his home' just because I say so. He also doesn't think he should contribute to the mortgage because I'm telling him it's not his home anymore. And he also thinks that he should be entitled to half the equity (that he doesn't think he should be paying towards), because it's his. Cognitive dissonance or what?! They are such entitled, horrible, selfish people. And the trouble is, we are not the sort to fight or kick up a fuss. I think, like me, you just want this to end so everyone can move on But for me, it seems like whatever I want, he deliberately does the opposite. I know I need to channel my inner bitch and be a lot more selfish about all this (exactly as he is being!) but I'm not sure where she is 😂

Why can't they see it like that too? I've lost a bit of my optimistic outlook lately. It's all just going on too long. Every day my DS is older and more aware. If we'd split a year ago, when I first initiated all this, he would not even remember us all in the same house by now. I hate it.

I'm so sorry for everyone who still has STBX in the same house. That's got to be difficult.

@Tiddleypops
Thank you. It is hard to see that when in middle if things.

You are so right. I hate kicking up a fuss too. I will be mentioning to solicitor that it is unbearable. See if a letter does anything, with view to renting if he digs heels in more. I need to contact them anyway, as they finally made headway with the response. Not sent but at least ready for me to view.

Concerns me though two moves in a year 😕.

Yes it is not good that as it drags on the kids get more aware and caught up in it. 🤗

My h has actually told me he will make it as hard as he possibly can for me. 🤗 if yours is doing the same.

Some well meaning soul suggested there was Mr Right out there for me. I said hmmm 🤔 i am not sure I will ever be ready to find him. Feel so battered and bruised inside and just need that to heal. Just because he online chats or dates women does not mean I want another relationship.

Thank you @Strix

I'm just reading through all these posts. I'm a frustrated dad who did move out after my wife's long affair but I'm struggling in rented accomadation because I just don't see my daughter much now and I'm really thinking of moving back in.
I'd love some helpful advice from wives actually as to how I can stop threatening to move back home and I just desperately want to be a good dad.
I'm so down at the moment and I can see from reading these posts that moving back is totally wrong.
If I just sit for 2 years in rented accommodation though is that going to leave me in a negative situation when it comes to the divorce and equity etc etc..

@Knockerefc hi, are you just living apart for two years and then divorcing? Or are you legally separated?

Have you agreed a contact arrangement? Can you agree with W that you phone (or face time or Skype), your daughter and chat with her during the times you dont see her? A five or ten minute chat twice a week would make important contact that would help.

If you have not sought legal advice regarding your separation or divorce it is important you do. They can advise you better. You can have a free half hour with a solicitor or go to citizens advice.

@Knockerefc, I agree with @RoseMartha. Get some advice and meanwhile try and get contact with your daughter over the phone while you are not with her. After all, she should be everyone's number one priority 😊

Everyone's situation is different. I personally think living together while divorcing is uncomfortable at best, but when one partner is abusive, then the abuse just escalates which is part of the problem in my case and others in here.

Thanks tiddleypops. I do talk to her regularly on the phone at least twice every day.
I really shouldn't go back then to the family home as I've received the abuse. She remembered hitting me and giving me a black eye but said I should of returned her phone instead of reading the texts from her affair. I'm gutted I never reported it now in 2016 but I did it to protect her job as a secondary school teacher. I've got a photograph which still I look at every day in disbelief at being beat up by a woman. I'm so embarrassed and I've never admitted it to any friends or family.
She also took out £20000 in debt in my name but thankfully we are slowly paying back together. I think she wants it all paid back before divorce so I can't use it against her but I'll still have a ccj against me for another 5 years.

Thanks roseMartha.
You have actually put a slight smile on my face and made me feel like not such a bad dad as I do regularly chat to her over the phone at least twice a day so I'm doing something right. I desperate to be close to her. She's all I've got now.

to everyone still suffering

@Knockerefc it sounds tough 😔

I just need a fresh start. I've not been perfect by any stretch but my wife is trying to hide and I won't have lies told about meverything.

@Knockerefc Sounds a difficult situation. But you are calling your daughter so that is good keeping the contact going. I hope you can work out a plan between you and W when you can see your daughter. As i think that will help you and your daughter.

How is everyone? Any updates @RoseMartha? I hope you have had some progress?

Nothing much to report here, I'm just thoroughly fed up. H has not yet had the divorce petition. I have a feeling it will land just as we go for mediation (which is in a couple of weeks time). I guess the poo will hit the fan (again) then. I just hate this limbo.

@Tiddleypops oh tiddley it is a horrid place to be in. 🤗 I hope he receives it soon and you can move forward.

Things not good as usual. But I have an appointment next week to see if we can get short term social housing as despite being officially asked to move out he is refusing.Not good for kids to have to move twice but equally not good for kids to tell me they are scared of dad.

He has been threatening and intimidating and laying the blame at my feet today. 🙁

Oh @RoseMartha, it sounds awful.
I really hope you get some where else to live. Don't think of it as moving twice, just think of it as staying somewhere else temporarily. I'm sure if you are all away from him, life will be sooo much improved for all of you x

What a horrible selfish man he is. My H too, cannot see anything outside of his own selfish needs. I can't get my head around it.

There is a thread on MN about shelters and how nice they were and helpful in leaving abusive relationships. As well as providing practical help to get housing, work etc.
Some people reading here may find that thread helpful

@RoseMartha don't worry about them moving twice it's better for them to be happy and safe and not scared

My update is we had meeting with solicitor Tuesday and it was awful culminating in him walking out it was like deja vu when he did same in mediation.
He's trying to back pedal a bit now I think
He started off with offering me almost full proceeds when house sells hugely unrealistic as he's living in a one bed granny flat while his daughter lives rent free in main house. So if that continues he needs to make granny flat suitable for two children overnight long term.
He can't commit to making a plan for weekend access until fri evenings, I had suggestion of 4 weekly rotation of 1 full weekend each and fri night one weekend and sat night other weekend. But work comes before his dc, this weekend work is overtime so not a requirement.
He then got even more angry when I questioned his reduction of money to joint account and said he was reducing it even further. Claimed he never knew in all our marriage what I earned, despite signing tax returns for 4 years

Checked joint account this morning & he hasn't reduced it this week so maybe he's had a rethink, I threatened court action

@Tiddleypops ty. One day we will all have good news to share. 🤗

@Happierwithouthim thanks hope that is so.
🤗sounds a difficult time . I dont understand why ex h's feel the need to decide if the are having dc at the last minute.

I have read about this several times and i think my h was talking about a relaxed approach. Ie when it suits him. I dont think contact for my kids with h is going to be straightforward agreement. I have not had a reply for about four months on the subject. Plus latest developments might affect situation.