Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@user1486131602, thank you! ♥️

Just caught up with all your news ladies, sorry for the absence, it's been a bit hectic here with half term, work, etc.

@user1486131602 You are such a rockstar, you absolutely inspire me, I'm in awe with you and your amazing strength! Thank you so much for telling us all to keep our heads up and stay strong

How is everyone else doing this week? Hope not too much trouble from OHs.

I'm cautiously optimistic my STBEH will be out of the house by the end of the week. He has started moving things today. We had no discussion as to what goes and what stays, I simply cannot face having another argument. We shall see what the next couple of days bring but so far it feels like he has finally come to realisation it's happening and there is no point in delaying the inevitable.

Sending you all positive vibes ❤️❤️❤️

Full steam ahead:
Thank you, hasnt been easy today.

All kinds of crap being thrown my way. And after lying insulting and hurting me, they want the details of the hair appt I arranged for dd......not. So, tomos visit is off.
I have told her I cannot be hurt and abused over and over again, so it’s better for me if I have no contact. I’m not prepared to be walked over and then play nice when she need something. She can go to him, his mother or the boyfs mother.
This is after ex telling me she said that I’m pressuring her to c9me home and she never is!
So 2 months down the line, and everybody else knew, just NOT ME AGAIN.

I have told I her I love her with all my heart but cannot go on like this. She has her dad send a message saying she upset coz SHE doesn’t want no contact, and can I tell him the details of the appt so nan or boyfs mum can take her!
Nope, I cancelled it and NOONE is taking the piss out of me from today. NOONE.
Buckle up buttercup, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

One day at a time ladies ❤️
Sorry for the rant!

@user1486131602 Rant away, that's what we are here for, to listen to each other and support each other. Agree, if she's such a big and independent girl, I'm sure she will manage to book a hairdressers appt herself. Good on you for staying strong!

@user1486131602 sending lots of 🤗🤗🤗🤗

@Fullsteamahead that is promising news.

Having horrible time with H. More abuse from him in texts. Not picking up the phone when I needed to explain an emergency and then he blamed me for messing him about. Then guilt tripping me and blaming me for incidents which were out of my control. Coupled with ill kids and batty parents I want to cry.

@RoseMartha so sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. Your oh sounds like such a vile pig, is he ever going to let it go and start behaving in civilised manner?! Poor you having to put up with his shit and having to deal with kids and parents. You are simply amazing, I honestly have no idea how you do it! Sending you hugs, one day at a time and things WILL get better ❤️❤️❤️

RoseMartha I'm just scrolling back to see what the position is with the house - so he's trying to force a sale? Did you have a financial agreement?

RoseMartha
Thanks! And back at you 🤗🤗🤗🤗
Can’t your solicitors take over the house stuff? Maybe give you some head space? I’m sorry that’s a heavy load. Sending you strength 🦸‍♀️

My ex has sent another text today saying, that since I don’t reply they will sort it out! ( oh well,) and if I don’t stop playing games things between me and daughter will be difficult?!

What part of her behaviour does he think is not difficult for me to bear?

I haven’t answered him, and won’t.
I have cancelled all plans including daughter.
Don’t expect to see her again. As hard as that is I don’t have to be played with and it’s my choice not someone else’s.
She thinks she’s an adult now she will have to behave as one, without my guidance.
Anything else will go thru my solicitor.

Only way to win it, is to not be in it!

❤️And 🤗

User sending you more 🤗🤗 Sounds horrendous. You seem very strong and positive today even though you are hurting. You are doing great. How is your son?

Thank you ladies 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Dishing: we are still waiting on financial to come back from court. But he wanted it sold before that and I said no on basis of advice from solicitor and explained this. Which didnt go down well.

Horrible day again with H. This time verbal abuse down the phone at me. Threatening me. Swearing at me. Blaming me for everything and saying he is innocent in everything he cant see he has done anything wrong at all. Bitter. Manipulative and trying to gain the control back. Saying I am not trying hard enough with contact arrangements. Telling me he will decide when he is having them and will tell me when he is ready and he is not ready to tell me now. But I must be ready and drop everything or plans when he is ready. Over the last few weeks I have done a lot to move situation forward but he says it is not enough. Threatening to stop CM if I dont do as he says etc.

Kids crying they dont want to go to his.

@RoseMartha he really is vile. He is so so utterly deluded and completely self centred. Please do not let him bully you, you do not have to accept being spoken to like that, you can say to him you aren't willing to be spoken to like that and hang up . He's not allowed to stop CM payments so if he does, go straight to your solicitor with it, but it's more likely an idle threat intended to scare you and bully you and keep you in your place. What an arse. He will scupper himself eventually. He's clearly doing a good job of destroying his relationship with his kids. It is ALL on him, no matter what he claims.

@user1486131602 what a tough time you are having too. You are doing so well, I'm in awe of you and how well you are handling things. You will not put up with crap and you have made that clear, yet still, your daughter knows full well she is loved. You have put her choices on her. Not an easy thing thing to do and I know you must be hurting terribly.

@RoseMartha - ah I do recall you saying that. So do you think this is all about money or is he just enjoying manipulating you with his tantrums? I know this is what I will face too; my DC are late teens so we wont need child arrangements but I know they don't want to see him and he will say I have turned them against him. Because it couldn't possibly be his behaviour that has caused it, could it? No. that can never be. - I know everyone will have talked to you about the grey rock thing, I can only think thats the best way for you but it must be an almighty ask in the face of the stress you are under

And the crap keeps coming!

Today I receive the TC forms.
Call them back and say I will be passing to my lawyer with evidence and further info of what’s really going on. Ask them to mark notes this is part of on going abuse divorce.

Have a tarot reading, not from online, who tells me keep my own counsel and be patient, gather evidence and wait, let them get on with it as things should work out in my favour.
Then she tells me something only me and my nan knew, and said she’s around you.....but don’t let them turn you into someone you’re not.

So, I come home with the resolve that I would be patient, gather evidence for multiple routes/situations.
Made appt for women’s aid, UC see if I can get better benefits by swapping over, and solicitor to haven over papers for TC.

making dinner....ting!
A message from the boyfs mother!
I can’t believe the cheek. It’s self serving and patronising.
So I have answered her told her that I know ex is paying her more than he paid me, and anything else is none of my business. I’m sending my proof and forms to TC via my lawyer, I hope no one does this to her family and don’t contact me again. Along with a copy of the divorce.

I’m having a major panic attack, what a bare faced bitch!

@user1486131602, how horrid for you. You must feel attacked from all sides! Just like you told me, you know the truth and she hasn't lived your life and doesn't understand the situation. I'm glad you're pressing on with the practical side of things. Yes, collecting evidence sounds very wise and will get you there in the end.

@RoseMartha, how are you? I agree with @Tiddleypops, he sounds totally deluded. I hope the contact arrangements suit you and the children first and foremost. Will your solicitor contact him for you?

@Itistimeandiamscared- how are you? And @Tiddleypops?

I went to see a solicitor who basically said I should stay in the family home and financially it wouldn't make sense if I moved out into rental. H has at least agreed that me sleeping on the sofa the whole time is not fair.

Told H I'm going to draft petition but won't mention addiction as it doesn't affect anything anyway. He's agreed to see a mediator and seems to be reasonable at the moment. Not counting on anything yet though as he flatly denied drinking the other week when I knew he had been.

I'm keeping a record!

Ps that sounds like he hardly ever drinks, he does but I don't usually mention it as no point but this was a lot and during the day when kids were around. I quietly mentioned the next day and I got total denial. Weird. Makes me think I'm losing it!

Hi, everyone.
I have been reading everyone's updates. I am sorry I have not commented. I have been struggling with work, kids, finances, settling in new home, place, schools etc and trying very hard not to succumb to this low feeling and feeling anxious and overwhelmed, feeling beaten, feeling like a doormat. STBXH upping his ante of nastiness and gas lighting. It has left me feeling confused and wobbly in addition to everything else. I feel very unsure. I found myself withdrawing from people and everyday life. I also feel numb. I am still in the whole maelstrom of thoughts and feelings but since day b4 yesterday I have been trying to make some effort and connect with living & life. To shake that numb feeling. I do not understand how I feel numb and still feel anxious, confused, emotionally wobbly, tired, overwhelmed and low.

Hi, @Tiedupwithstrings, thank you for asking after me. If you don't put his drinking on the divorce petition, be sure to make sure whatever reasons you give are good enough so it doesn't get sent back/rejected etc. Don't worry your solicitor will ensure the reasons are good enough. Be sure to ask them to confirm this.
I totally get you when you described 'makes you think you are losing it'. I know that feeling all too well. Trust me, you are not losing it. I know you know this.
I know you need his cooperation so do what suits you best... Do you think it is important though that you do give his drinking as one of the reasons..? That it is best that it is on record somewhere...? Else it may seem to him that as you won't mention it, it may support his belief that he is not drinking. He does not have a problem with his drinking.
As you said it doesn't affect anything so if it angers him, he can be reminded it does not affect division of assets.
I don't mean to cause offense by saying this. Just food for thought.

@RoseMartha, sending you strength. Don't give in to his bullying and intimidation. He is only threatening you about CMS... It is not that straightforward to stop paying unless he is genuinely out of work. If he is paying you directly and he stops, just report to the CMS.
Do not give in and sell the house. Get your financial order agreed first. Remember, he is powerless. So he will throw the book at you. View it like a tantruming child. You are doing great. Remember how far you have come. Remember when we talked about not sleeping in a bed/our own bed/on the floor/on the couch for ages. Now, you are sleeping in a bed.It is little steps. Because we have spent years listening and receiving their criticism, abuse, poor treatment, lack of respect etc we are wired to believe them, be scared of them etc.
But remember, things are no longer the same. Tell yourself he is powerless. Threats are usually employed when we want someone to do something and they won't and we can not make them.. That's when threats appear. So keep that in mind.
If he is mean enough to carry through on his threats (like my STBXH) don't worry about it, when they carry through their threats, they just dig themselves bigger holes. Honest.

@user1486131602, I am so glad to read you sounding strong.
But I know it is not easy and I can't imagine how heartbroken you are. I have continued to send strength your way, I think of you often, I send you all the good vibes I can muster. Gather up all the evidence you can. Find any way you can to better your future. There must be a way. There will be a way. I will help.. support you in remaining positive and optimistic. Let's think it. Let's make it happen. Sending you strength.

@Fullsteamahead, has your STBXH moved out? I have been hoping for you that he has. Hope you have a calm good weekend.

@DishingOutDone, how are you? Keep taking things easy. There is no rush. Stay strong.

@Tiddleypops, I hope you and DS are okay. How is your weekend going?

Wishing everyone a calm and nice as-much-as-it-is-possible weekend.

Tiedupwithstrings :
after everything she has done to undermine my relationship with my daughter, I have no idea why she would want to meet up and get my help to fill in her forms? Stupid woman.
She made these arrangements with the ex, not me.
And funnily enough the ‘cards’ had just told me to let them get on with it! I have also kept a record of it, plus downloaded and printed all her previous messages.

I’m glad to hear you are doing the same.
Have you asked al anon to help with the hubbys new housing? If you mention it in the mediation that should open many other avenues to him and you. I’m asking you to think about it again. You, may be doing yourself a disservice as it DOES often make quite a difference.,

RoseMartha: tiddleypops: itsmeandimscared:

I hope you are getting by, day by day

❤️🤗

Itsmeandimscared
Funny I was responding as you were replying!

That numbness is good, it’s protecting you.
The anxiety is good, you can still feel that wobbly feeling is your mind trying to process everything that it can all at once!
ExH gaslighting and abusing is his way of trying to control you and your new life in absence. Which means you have won!!
You are not a doormat, and you are certainly not beaten!
You have removed yourself from an abusive situation, everything that you known, everything that you had pinned your hopes and dreams on.
You have removed your children from a lifetime of abuse and lies
You have found and provided, moved and equipped a safe haven for them. You have found new schools, stayed at your job, changed your finances all while trying to deal with your kids etc, alone.
YOURE NOT BEATEN, YOURE SUPERWOMAN!

Now, read back my message and see what you’ve achieved, alone.
Are you surprised you feel tired and overwhelmed? I’m not.
Be kinder to yourself. Retreat. Restore revive.
I will send you some of my strengths and by helping and supporting, even comforting each other ( all of us, ladies) we will get there!

Says she writing this from a bed she’s hasnt got out of today! I told my son I’m hibernating today! The weather crap here real winter day, raging rain and winds, grey everything, so I’m watching old movies in bed and enjoying the freedom to do so.
With dd and ExH gone, I dont have to run round suiting everyone but myself doing everything for everybody while ExH sits on sofa drinking and making us all watch football while he falls Asleep!
See, little wins!!

Love and hugs to each of you ladies ❤️🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared and @user1486131602, thank you for your advice - I'm always open to people's opinions on here, lots of wisdom from this thread! Ok, I will look into this. The solicitor advised not to use alcohol issues as unreasonable behaviour to help things proceed but it was a fairly short session so I will be sure to get some more advice before acting. Thanks for questioning this.

@itistime, those feelings you describe sound strangely familiar. I'm not having to deal with the abuse you are though. I'm reading this book and basically it said when we're at our lowest point, this can lead to great strength and clarity (the wisdom of yoga if anyone's interested). A bit like that Russell brand video @Tiddleypops shared about fear and courage. I found that really encouraging. I hope you do too. I also hope you manage to get some little moments of calm and rest every day.

@user148.. it sounds very wise to just let them get on with it. As if you don't have enough to deal with yourself!

@Fullsteamahead, hoping to hear good news from you! 🤞🤞🤞

Hope everyone else is having a relatively peaceful weekend. ♥️

@user1486131602 sending hugs. Get as much evidence as you can.
You are right, little wins are all a step forward.

@Tiedupwithstrings Some good news for you, that is great. How are you managing the sleep issues? 🤗 They all make us think we are losing it with their control tactics. You are doing great.

@Itistimeandiamscared Glad to hear you are beginning to settle down. 🤗🤗 things do feel overwhelming dont they? I totally get that. Sometimes you can just not face people or posting on here because it is just too much, too hard. Thinking of you . You are not alone.

@DishingOutDone , @Tiddleypops , @Fullsteamahead how are you all?

Thank you all for your encouraging words.

He backed off a bit but is still sending me sulky texts. But he is still expecting me to message him everyday about what I have done with the dc. In addition to necessary information I am required to share, which I would of course share with him.

However I dont know if you all notice this but it is a cycle. He gets abusive backs off for a bit then it builds up gradually again until he explodes and it starts all over again and again etc.

RoseMartha:

The point is that YOU have seen it’s a circle. That’s great! Now you recognise what and how he’s doing you have the chance to better deal with it.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Really struggling with the daughter thing, but there’s nothing I can do except the situation ‘be’

❤️🤗

Hi @user1486131602, thanks for your lovely message. I can't imagine why the woman thought it will be okay to ask that of you. No sensitivity there. It is your ex's responsibility to get all necessary forms filled. She should not be approaching you.
As for your DD, she will understand one day. I know you need her home with you now for many different reasons, but she isn't. I will continue to trust and hope and wish but I believe there must be a way... better way than what seem like your only options now. But you have not lost your daughter. I strongly believe that. She will understand one day. Keep your heart open to her.

@Tiedupwithstrings, you will need a proper sit down with the solicitor that is going to represent you. I am no lawyer but I can't understand why you will be advised not to cite his alcoholism. You are not doing it out of pettiness but actually because genuinely it has played a massive role in bringing you guys to where you are now. It is beneficial for you psychologically, it is an objective record for the sake of the future/the kids, it also makes it clear to him that it is a big deal and you are not making it up. And it would explain a lot going forward (you do not know what route the whole process would take).

@RoseMartha, hi. I forgot to mention yesterday that everything you said about what your STBXH said about how/when he would see the kids etc was scarily word for word (and some) what my DC's father said too!! I thought it was okay... and I did that.

Whenever he clicked his fingers I ran the kids over to him. I would cancel plans last minute etc. I could not plan, I was always in limbo..on tenterhooks, not sure where the kids would be from one day to the next.
People (solicitors, social services, school psychologist, police, domestic abuse shelter staff) kept telling me that was wrong and it should be more organised. I told him...explained how unsettling it was for the kids but I still could not get him to be considerate of the kids. And I was too scared to follow their advice. They all gave the same advice. Even the male policeofficer who was going through a separation and confessed he did the same thing.
Then I went for a mediation assessment meeting, it was the reaction of the mediator that made me feel a bit bold and start refusing to cancel plans last minute. But I will still take them afterwards to him. Gradually, I was able to insist on more notice.

Looking back now, I should have taken a lot of the advice given to me by all those people who know... advice they gave me about child contact, advice they gave me about keeping him out of the home, changing the locks, getting a restraining order etc. It would not have been easy but we would be in a different place now.

A lot of the advice I was too scared to implement but what I didn't realise he was scared of 'the authorities'. So he came harder at me. I have realised now.. though too late. But please don't let him faff you about with child contact. Please keep records. It is a pain but it will be your best friend when the need arises. Keep records of when you have asked, his reply and add a little note explaining any circumstances or situations if applicable. Because when you need the records, you may not be able to remember every circumstance or what was happening at the time that led to all the various actions and messages.

One advice I was given that I did take, was keep records. I am still keeping. It is a pain but I have absolutely no regrets. It has been a big help.

In my bid to make an effort and connect to life, feel like I am living, I made a massive dinner yesterday and invited a few people (family) round. They all enjoyed the food, chatted with each other.
But I found that I could not chat with them. I had nothing to say. I also could not help thinking how they have not actually been there for me (though some may think they have been there for me in a small way) and that made me get increasingly withdrawn. The more withdrawn from them I felt, the more effort I put into being sociable.
After, they left I felt exhausted, even more numb and this overwhelming anxiety/fear of being alone in this difficult time. I can't explain why and it took me by surprise but I just cried.

I am so hurt from the lack of support from my family. My parents are too far away to help and are quite elderly but all my siblings are nearby. Instead they still come to me with their problems wanting me to help sort it out or be there for them as I have always been. I have always had a maternal role in their lives. I am very hurt. I have been reaching out to them and telling them how I am feeling... telling them my struggles but I get nothing back. I stopped opening up to them.
I really just want to distance myself from them but I don't know if that is depression talking.
Because I feel so numb, I feel unable to rustle up any interest, any zeal, any enthusiasm for anything and that includes work. And that worries me. I don't feel connected to life.

I got good news from CMS, STBXH owes me quite a bit. Did that make me happy... No. Instead, it has worsened my anxiety because he is determined not to pay.. So more battle. In the meantime, he is ramping up his nastiness and gaslighting.
He is also trying to take things we own jointly. And I can't be bothered to fight. And that makes me feel like a doormat. He gave me two weeks to 'return' 'his' things to him. And as much as I don't want to fight, I don't want to return his things. They are mine too.

Throughout the marriage and since he has walked out, I have just taken and taken all he has thrown at me. I have been loathe to trigger him or make him angry.

The two things I did do - after he walked out - was 1 not to beg him to come back (he wanted me to) and 2 was not to go for the counselling service he arranged for me to go for women-like-me-who-have-been-influenced-by-women's-rights-and-all-that-stuff and forgotten their (submissive) role in a marriage.
He said after I had done these two things, he would then think about whether the marriage was working for him and he would decide whether to come back or not.

Looking at it now, it seems odd/weird/crazy to me. I almost feel as if I made it up. But then, not even up to 14 months ago, it was totally normal and logical. I could see his point.
And tbh, I did consider doing both but when I thought about it... I thought that if I did, that would be telling him he has not been doing any wrong and I would be giving him carte blanched to pretty much be my god... life would get even worse for me. And by extension, worse the kids. I saw it as an opportunity to stand up for myself.
I was very scared... I won't lie. But I refused to do any.
He could not believe it. And for the next couple of weeks, he kept giving me 'last chances' to change my mind. When I did not. He told me he would make me regret it (his favourite threat). He immediately cut off all finances.

I am so sorry everyone. I have gone from dinner last night to all this stuff. I have no idea why I am going down this memory lane this morning. I don't live in the past. Actually, I kind off just keep looking forward because I am happy now and at peace. I am so grateful for that.
I don't know if it is the CMS letter or that the deadline of his notice is drawing near and I don't know whether to stand up for myself or just let him take back his things...that is making me remember all this.
I feel beaten and so sad. I feel overwhelmed and tired. I feel numb. But very anxious and unsettled.
Forgive me if I am being self-indulgent.

I need some reality TV distraction. I also need food, play with the kids, sort out school stuff, more food, film evening, more food and bed. I don't feel able to deal today.

So sorry guys, seems I have written a novel.

Itsmeandimscared:
Nothing to be sorry for, at all.

From what you’ve written: I believe you were the sibling that ‘did’ , the one everyone went to. They saw what your life was ams could see you ‘cope’ and as strong!
Now, the roles have changed, and all they see is the same. It was exactly the same with mine.

Those things he wants returned....possession is 9/10 of the law and as you said, are yours too. You’ve certainly ‘ earned’ them! So tell him to sod off!
As I said yesterday: look what you have achieved.
And retreat, restore, revive.
And stop doing what you think others expect from you.
Do only what YOU WANT and NEED to get you to your goal.

Thank you for your thoughts on my dd situation.
Everything is a mess.
I cannot believe she will be back. And I really don’t have the capacity to care for someone who knows what she is doing to her mother with her lies and manipulation.
I have ALWAYS told both of them that there will be times when they do things I don’t like, but I will ALWAYS love them. So she knows.
At 16 she is capable of understanding what she’s doing, one more than one level. She knows that her choices have an impact on if/ how/ where her brother and I can live.
So the cost of my happiness and freedom And theirs) was my marriage, future, home and daughter.
I’m not wallowing just being realistic.
I am having to accept that.
As these are not my choices and as she makes it impossible for me pay my bills, eat or have a roof over my head, then she will have to live with her choices same as me.
At the moment the door is open, my heart is closed.
I cannot go back to being crazy. It’s only a few weeks from that.
I deserve more and so does my son.

@itistimeandimscared, it's really good to hear your story like that and it must be good to get that out and look at the whole picture and how far you've come. I'm so glad you did take the opportunity to stand up for yourself and not let him rule you anymore. And you're right, I need to make sure I'm doing that too, for the kids sake as well as my own. As for the things he wants, I'm sure you and the kids need those more than he does!

I'm sorry you're not getting more support from family, that must feel lonely. Those family roles are very deep seated and I find it can be hard to break out of them. I'm sure they love you in their own way, but maybe they're not what you need right now. You do sound depressed- hardly surprising given what you've been through and are still going through! - can you speak to someone about this? I've got my assessment for counseling next week. To be honest I'm not really looking forward to it as I had counseling before and initially I felt worse but I think it will help in the long term.

@user1486131602, take care of yourself ♥️♥️♥️.

My Al anon group sent this: at the end of each day tell yourself this "I love you, you did the best you could today. Even if you didn't accomplish all you set out to, I love you anyway."