Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Hi, @Tiddleypops, thank you for your kind words. Really happy to hear you are detaching from your H's issues. It must be very hard. I am even happier to hear someone else telling him to pull himself together. I hope today is an okay day for you.

@user1486131602, thank you so much for all your support. Amazing that you are able to help when you have a lot on your plate yourself. Thank you.

I cried a lot yesterday (for no reason). Today, I have decided to just do as little as possible and be kind to myself... I am hoping to still my anxiety.
I have just had communication from STBXH and it has just got me feeling all types of ways - hurt, anger, despair, hopelessness, anxious, fear (about nothing in particular), worry. He is not a nice person. I am so glad I am not in daily contact with his nastiness anymore. I look back and I honestly can't believe that I was living with that everyday... How did I cope?
Now that we are not together, even just a little contact with it has me floundering?
It is like I can't even cope at all. I seem to have lost all capacity... or is it tolerance ... ability?? to manage the toxicity.
On getting his message, I felt really sick and have spent last 10mins in the toilet. Honestly thought I would throw up.

Itsmeandimscared

That’s what he wants....chaos, confusion, to make you undermine yourself!
You are feeling sick because his crap is invading your new life. You are reacting as you have learned to cope.

As I said yesterday:
No one to impress but yourself! Remember that....and not his chaos!

Love and hugs

And just when I think I have a plan, dd and ex turn up take all her clothes and stuff that’s left, then asks for her birth certificate so he can claim benefits for her!
He earns too much, is not registered at the address he’s living at, neither is dd, she does not live with him! she’s at either boyfs or nans house. Boyfs mum not eligible unless one of us signs over legal rights ....WTF, captain chaos strikes again.
I’m sick of feeling emotional, all the effing drama, just feeling broken and defeated. He used me up, she broke me and now I’m to be left with nothing (not money) for all those yrs of abuse...WTF.

@user1486131602, I am so sorry to read this.
I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling... how you must be hurting.
I am surprised at this turn of events. The meeting up for coffee, went well (in my opinion) u. Is someone in her ear?
I am so sorry @user1486131602. I have no words. Can I please encourage you to not give up. Please.
While there is Life, there is hope.
Sending you huggggsssss. And strength. And support.

@user1486131602, I am so sorry to hear that! I echo what @Itistimeandiamscared said, it sounds like someone is telling her things. I think she is acting this way because she doesn't understand the truth. I'm sure she won't always feel like this. I am so so sorry you have to go through this.

@Tiedupwithstrings, how are you? How are things?

@user1486131602, how was your DD when she came to the house? Did she speak to you? Who was doing the talking? I feel like we don't have the whole picture.

As your STBXH earns too much, i understand that if he claims child benefit he will have to pay it back. Does he plan on giving it to DD as an allowance?
I know you may not know what the plan is, I am just thinking aloud. Even at that, he will have to pay it back. So why would he want to claim it ?!
This just adds to your financial worries.

I wish I could bring you assurance and comfort right now.
Like @Tiedupwithstrings said, ' she would not always think this way.
But I know that it is the here and now that is hurting. You have been excellent with your DD when she left.
It is very hard but as much as you can, continue to be her excellent DM. This is something that time will resolve.
I am really sorry you are going through this.

He sent me a msg saying she wanted ‘some of her winter clothes’ and as he was popping over to see DS was that ok?
I say yes of course.
Then he asks for her birth certificate, doesn’t say why! When I question that then he says, to claim for her cos he is supporting her now!
He doesn’t need it! Without putting details he earns too much to qualify for them! Plus him or her not registered at the address they stay at, shes not on any address! And I am her legal guardian.
I don’t know if someone is in her ear as much as she’s got freedom to do as she likes when she’s likes with no rules, unlike with me.
And as to why is he is claiming....to make things harder for me:
he said about the house, either you have it, I have it or it is sold! And after I took him off the electoral roll he almost stopped paying for the mortgage! But he need to pay that because of his credit record!!
So far, he hasn’t paid maintenance for the kids, hasnt paid for any prom stuff, hasn’t provided the laptop he promised DS, didn’t provide for food, the car or insurance, or any house expenses since he left.
And yet, at each and every turn he appears to be winning.
Friends who saw how he treated me have dropped me like a hot potato and yet, are still meeting him socially!

I think I have to accept that this is going to turn into the fight of my life and that my daughter is gone for good, as she will always have somewhere else to go besides here!
She was perfectly happy and civil, but why not!
She was getting her own way. I asked her quietly if she isn’t coming home now or not at all:
The reply ‘ not right now’ which is all she has said since she left!

Another night of no sleep, my emotions all over the place, just this awful dread.....again.

That’s the point: there isn’t the time for this to resolve itself for her to think differently: I can’t afford to stay here as is, so it will have to be sold, so both me and her brother will be out in the cold.

As I said, I need to accept she’s gone.

user can you call the child benefit office and see what they say, tell them he is the NRP and is doing this to cause trouble; stop short of saying she's left home just say he wants to put the claim into his name, even though he earns over the threshold to actually have the benefit.

Does he owe you money? Has the lack of maintenance forced the sale of the house? Am I right in thinking you said there isn't much equity in it - so would you walk away with nothing? And have you run all the latest past your solicitor?

DishingOutDone
I can do that, but if he calls and disputes that, where does that leave me?
I cannot speak to my solicitor as she is away after an op!
On top of this the boyfs mother works for hmrc fraud team!
You are correct there is no equity, he has not paid maintenance but has paid mortgage £300 pm ( about CMA award for one child ) he seems to have forgotten that this means his son will have nowhere to live!

My solicitor has not once mentioned what I should be awarded for being a sahm, the use of my inheritance during our marriage, his MH problems, the abuse, the debts it caused, the money I had to pay out for his iPad etc....etc... I am assuming that would form part of our financial claim against him, but as I’ve said there’s not point having £3k in the bank and nowhere to live!

I'm a bit worried about your solicitor user - do you feel confident with them? Have you taken a view from Shelter, just in case there are options you haven't looked at yet?

DishingOutDone
No, hadn’t thought of shelter, but I will thanks!

Update:
I have a friend that works for the govt.
She says he can’t claim Tc as it now falls under UC and he earns too much to get it. Not registered anywhere ( so technically homeless!)
Boyfs mother cannot claim, not legal guardian dd not registered there either! Dd is registered here only and I’m her legal guardian!
She also said that I should report them to the council as him and dd not registered at nans house and living there!
Also, when there, my dd is on a sofa with her dad in same room on camp bed, so to contact children’s services!
Amazing what a little knowledge can do!
So, I’m going to leave it a few days ( so he doesn’t think I’m in a panic about it) talk to another solicitor at the firm, get advice and throw the shit right back at him!
If he stops paying the mortgage, that’s fine, as it’s a Joint/several debt, each time he only pays his half, half of that comes of mine! Can’t cock up my credit score anymore its already in the bin! But he wants to have his shiny and clean for a new mortgage!
I’m going to concentrate on learning to not react emotionally, I’m am shooting myself in the foot!

I’m also not going to have visits with my daughter at the house, it’s too painful to watch her leave each time.
Got to start putting myself and my wonderful human being of a son first. I raised him too, so it’s not all bad!

Can’t say I’m feeling happy, but not feeling broken either!
Would like to thank each of you for looking out for me it helped.

You are always so positive and determined user, you inspire us all to keep on keeping on!

I'm feeling down today as I've had a few people say that really my H is a very helpful nice guy, always doing nice things for me (by this they mean e.g., he gives me a lift to the station once a week. In a car that we co-own and pay for, this lift enables me to work to earn more than half of our joint income by hey ho, good of him eh? ) these are people that know me very well and it makes me think I must be going mad.

Then today I was looking at bungalows by the seaside; which had always been our aim when we were younger, to retire to the coast) and I saw some in a great area, if we were to sell up and pool our equity - not split it as we are planning to do - then we could easily afford one of these, perfect position etc. Of course then I feel so sad that its never going to be possible now.

@user1486131602 I echo what DishingOutDone about your positivity and determination. You are awesome, you really are.
Also, you have not put a foot wrong, you have not deliberately done anything to backstab anyone, hurt anyone, deceive anyone, nothing wrong. Anyone can see that and this gives you the upper hand. You do not have to waste any energy on putting up a pretense or manipulating anyone (unlike your ex) and no one will ever catch you out, so you don't need to look out for that. Your exH will though, all this game playing, all this power play, it catches up with people in the end and it will catch up with your exH.

I am reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship at the moment, and it talks about power. Some people have to feel they have power over others to mask their own lack of inner power. It's just how they work. I think this would apply to all the exH's in this thread! Other people have inner power, they work on their own power, it's based on mutuality and empathy and this - this is what you have in spades lady, you really do. He might feel he is 'powerful' right now, but that relies on him feeling he has the upper hand in some way. How exhausting and pathetic?! You keep working on your power. I think you are amazing in how you are dealing with everything that is being thrown your way.

@DishingOutDone, sending you a virtual hug I am sorry to hear you are feeling down. It sounds like you are grieving for the things you have lost (we can grieve for things we never had, they were part of our plans). You are going down a different path to the one you chose, the one you thought you were on But, you know what, things will work out, the way will become clear along your new path, you may even get to have your place by the seaside one day and it will be all yours, with no d!ckhead in there to ruin the peace Can you do something just for you, a little treat just to take care of yourself a little and be gentle with yourself like you would a friend who had just lost something?

I too have those days where everyone thinks the sun shines out of my H's arse - e.g. he does the school run 50% of the time. You know, for a child that he is supposedly 50% parent to And hey, he hasn't been to work for 15 months. How about, I do 50% of the school runs, 100% of the other parenting, AND work full time. It is sooo bloody irritating at the time, but I'm sort of detached from it now. No one really gets it.
Not quite the same, but I had one of my best friends ask me if I had maybe got my eye on a new man now that I am nearly free...W T F??!!! Because jumping straight into a new relationship while I am not yet free of the one that has completely screwed my head up and gone a long way to destroying my self esteem is really going to be top of my list??!! I just said I think I need to find solid ground first and she looked at me like I was talking in a another language.

Aw @Tiddleypops, why do women think like this?!

I've got one who is a bit older 65+ and widowed (quite a few of my older friends are widowed now), she talks about how she has no one to help her in the house and how lucky I am to have help (help?!!); when we talk about going out for the day she'll say "of course its not the same if you don't have a nice man to treat you" -FFS?!! Same friend says to me that I should have left H by now but suspects I stay because of "all the lifts" ...??!!

Out with another friend I was explaining how H had been ranting and raving as he had to pick up DD from school at lunchtime, she has to come home for lunch; this is a new arrangement so he'd been doing it for 4 days when he said he couldn't cope and I'd need to cancel some things including my lunch date with this particular lady. She then said that actually I should really have cancelled because he really "does a LOT already". She based this on (a) him picking his own child up from school and (b) he's picked this friend up from the station 3 times in the last 3 years when she and I were going out.

He does a lot. I was speechless. When the kids were little he was in bed all the time, they'd be sat there still at noon waiting to go out for the day and then after much pleading he'd get up and start preparing his "breakfast" - if I said look they are waiting lets just go he then start shouting "I'm entitled to breakfast in my own house". My eldest DD was about 4 when she asked me "Mummy why is daddy so lazy?"

Honestly, these men have a text book that they all own somewhere squirrelled away because I hear things like that, about your H not bothering to get up, and I think, YEP! SAME HERE!

My H has always done this too, I used to wait around to start the day. DS once said to me "Daddies don't get up in the morning, do they?" which horrified me, but at the same time, he was just saying it like he saw it!
My H did not even bother to get out of bed, the morning after my mother died. We had a 5 month old baby and my step daughter, who was about 10 at the time, staying over too - I was up at about 5am that day after 3 x solo night feeds. And he could not be fucking arsed to get up. I ended up fetching him out of bed at nearly midday.

Tiddleypops
Firstly, thank you for your kind words. Appreciated!
DishingOutDone:
People aren’t able to walk in your shoes and can only judge your life by theirs!

So to both you ladies, I have been where you are and it stings, physically hurts when people don’t see thru their shit, but, you know what it certainly sorts out who you DO want in your life!

I don’t look at as if they haven’t done anything for me: I look at as, that friendship has run it’s course and I am ending it, cos I don’t want to waste anymore energy on it!
Karmas a bitch! Just wait, everything that goes around comes around......and we all know they won’t be ready!
It’s hard to look back and realise what wasn’t right. But we choose that, and and I have said before: I will be forever grateful to him For my kids whatever happens.
AND, DONT LOOK BACK......YOURE NOT GOING THAT WAY,
Your anger won’t change them or the perception of your situation so just don’t let them take anything else from you, don’t give them the power.
Head up, calm exterior (swimming like a mad swan underneath is ok) and determination towards your goal. They won’t be able to stand it!

And to prove it, here’s a small tale from the other evening!
ExH starts crapping on about house value ....I said a drive by one won’t be as accurate as the one I had done. Why? He says....my reply: Well, the estate agent won’t be able to see all the holes you punched in things, all the unfinished jobs, the broken deck you were going to pay for.....he stood up and said, ‘right I’m going before I lose my temper! ‘
Once a bullshitter, always a bullshitter, they cannot face the truth or their own failings. Humpty Dumpty comes to mind! 🤪🤪🤣😮

I really don’t know what will happen and this crap is now affecting my son, he crawled in my bed at 3am asking for a cuddle ( he’s 18!!) so I know he’s really worrying. But, there’s NOTHING I won’t to do to protect this young man and his future. He has stood strong and firm when everyone else has left.
I have called child services today and again was told to continue my clai as dd is registered as living her. ExH has got an address so can’t claim to be providing for her!
Solicitor appt tomo, so we will see where we go from there, perhaps a different solicitor will be able to shed a different light on things!
He’s not winning and that’s that. He may end up with all the things, but he’s not going to make me bitter or change my life of freedom.
One day at a time ladies.❤️

A drive by valuation 😂 Silly man. You don't even need to explain yourself for getting a proper one.
You're so right you know @user1486131602, things are just things. And he can't take your dignity, your integrity nor your new life of freedom ❤️
Your DS sounds like a diamond. It sounds like you are very close. I love that he came to you for a cuddle.

@user1486131602, you are so strong, I don't know how you keep picking yourself up after all that life keeps throwing at you. Your son sounds lovely. It sounds like you're on the case with ExH, I hope you get some news soon.

@Tiddleypops, thanks for saying I'm making progress, I think you're right, I'm getting there. Went to al anon and cried again! But I felt so much better. They are so nice. How are you?

@Itistimeandiamscared, thanks for asking after me. Looks like we're both suffering from insomnia! How have you been?

My H is still pretending everything is fine. I have been wavering. I feel sorry for him. It's such a horrible disease. But then I found an article on children of high functioning alcoholics and it reminded me to keep on. I have to push forward with divorce. Seeing a solicitor next week. H has been drinking more, so in a way that makes things easier. I'm scared and I don't know how I'll do it, but for now I'm going to let go of that and keep on keeping on.

Tiedupwithstrings:
I’m not strong, I’m not given another choice.

You have the same thing inside you, and I know this because you are scared. Don’t be, that means you can still feel! You’re winning!
Change is different not difficult!
Your insomnia will pass and then you’ll be where I am - some days sleeping 15hrs because your soul is so desperately tired that is All you can do!😴
There are a million things I could tell you as we are on the same path, but your journey will be different to mine.
So my best advice is this: you have no one to impress but yourself.
No matter what anyone else ‘thinks’ of me, I KNOW what I have and have not done, so I can sleep soundly with my own conscience.
One tiny step forward is a step forward. Cry all you like, tears are words the heart can’t say.
And I know you know, you deserve better.❤️
Itsmeandimscared
Same for you: insomnia will pass! But that’s just part of the journey! Do what’s right for you, so that you only have to answer to yourself.
One step at a time, forward please❤️
Tiddleypops
You and I are a pair of old ladies making a new life for ourselves. I must say I can’t understand why we think it’s going to be hard.....we’ve already done it before, for everyone else!!🙈

RoseMartha:
Hope things aren’t too difficult for you at the mo!

This week has been emotionally challenging for me as well,
Today, ExH was dropping by to see son, I told him I would have someone here and rather that he did not drop by, but that I would drop to the pub or Starbucks for a visit..........and then he cancelled.
So, I won that round! No emotional battles with myself or him.
No shooting myself in the foot!

And even if I say so: I’m impressed with myself!!

One day at a time ladies ❤️ Love and hugs

Hi everyone. I keep starting to catch up on the thread then get interrupted. So just a quick hello so you know I am still here and thinking of you. Will try and catch up on what is happening in next few days.

Having lots of problems with H. Dc have been mixed. Been busier than normal as been to support meetings and special need meetings for dc. I seem to go to more meetings/appointments about them or my parents than anything else! Really been rushed off my feet last fortnight.

@user1486131602. Thank you. It's good to hear that. I need to stop worrying what other people think (this will take a while!) and yes I do deserve better. I also can't stand all the lies and secrecy anymore. My DC's have started being secretive and I find that really hard. Well done for standing your ground with H.

@RoseMartha, good to hear from you. I hope you get a bit of time to yourself soon.

Hope everyone else had a relatively peaceful weekend. Hope half term is ok for everyone - for those that have half term this week.

Tiedupwithstrings:
About the secrecy: ever heard the term.....a snake in the grass?
Here’s the second bit.......gets bit in the ass!

So sit back, wait and watch that snake squirm!
Your dc are doing as they have seen dad do. You need time, all of you to get over this and make new habits. It will come.
And I have said many times before.. NOONE has walked in your shoes, so, how dare they judge you. And if they are so bloody noble, where are they when you need them? NOON TO IMPRESS BUT YOURSELF.
One day at a time ladies ❤️🤗