Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@user1486131602, that sounds like a breakthrough- hope it goes well for you!
🤞🤞🤞

@clpsmum, how are you? Hope you're getting the support you need.

I went to all anon and cried - @Tiddleypops, it seems like the thing to do! I really needed to do that but now I'm feeling exhausted. I think I'll just let myself have a couple of off days and learn to be ok with that instead of berating myself!

@Itistimeandiamscared- how are you?

How's everyone else doing?

@user1486131602 that is a breakthrough! Everything crossed it goes well. Keep in mind all the things you have said here about letting things take their course. Be you, be genuine as you always are.

@Tiedupwithstrings I think that feeling of letting go and having a good cry can be very exhausting can't it?! It's like a surrender. I hope you will have space to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to breathe. I feel a bit like that at the moment. I think I am onto a new phase of acceptance and that it's a good thing (despite feeling vulnerable and sad quite a bit of the time at the moment).

Also, I watched a Russell Brand thing yesterday where he says that fear and courage go together. He explained it really well. There is "neurotic fear" I think he said, where you fear random external things that you have no control over and that doesn't do anything for you. Then there is "wisdom fear" I think he said, which is where courage comes in. If you didn't have fear you wouldn't need courage and the fear is showing you that you can have the courage to do the thing or deal with whatever is troubling you or whatever it is, anyway. Anyway, that was a crap way to explain it, so I'll try to post the link instead later

@Tiddleypops, I love that, and your explanation is a good one! I do quite like Russell's videos, it's sort of a guilty pleasure, but I'm glad someone else likes them too! Will have a look for that 😄

Here it is (if it works 🤔) Just seemed to resonate with me at the moment...
www.facebook.com/21641548176/posts/10156701094133177/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Hi, everyone.
@clpsmum, so sorry to hear about what your H is doing to you.
I know it is hard to see clearly when you are in the situation but please listen to the wise words given to you here. It is easier for people on the outside to see the situation clearly for what it is. More difficult for you that is in the thick of it.

• PLEASE do not go looking for him again. Do not respond by calling or texting. Instead, message his parents and inform the police. He will not harm himself. He loves himself too much.
• You need to stop the child visits, it seems they are at risk. Let him go through the official route to get contact. This will be better for the kids, for you and will send him a strong message.
• IGNORE his parents. Seriously. Sounds like they are guilt tripping you. They don't want him to be their problem. That's their business to sort out. He is no longer yours.
• Do not be alone with him if you feel uncomfortable. You owe no one any explanation. If you don't feel safe to be alone with him, you don't feel safe.

He is messing with you. Don't play into it.
Keep safe.

@clpsmum, when I said wise words I meant those given by PP.

@Tiedupwithstrings, how are you today? Thank you for asking after me.
Being in a state/situation where we cry in the presence of people we don't know can often have us feeling different sorts of ways but it is really freeing. And especially when those people are people that get it. I hope you are feeling better/stronger. I echo what others have said You don't need to have a reason you think people would accept as being 'good enough' to leave. Even if he wasn't drinking, you could leave if you were not happy. It is your life, you don't need anyone's permission, anyone's approval, you don't need his either.
I wish you all the best.
The good thing with these men is that when we get into these moments where we become uncertain or start doubting ourselves, they will do something to remind us why we are on this road. They will not change.

@user1486131602, I am really so happy to hear you are having coffee with your daughter.
Was it today?
I hope it went best case scenario. But that is a huge positive step.

Ok ladies,
Been for coffee, had a nice chat, I did have a few tears while I was there but just a few!
She has told me she doesn’t want to come home.
She won’t be home for xmas, although she wants to help me pick out a tree and decorate it ( as we do every yr) and would like to spend some time with me on xmas eve. Boyfs for xmas day and nans for Boxing Day ( not too different from other yrs!)
I have told her I miss her and love her and that she can come home any time she wants.
But, it’s more important to me that’s she happy, rather than being here and being unhappy.
I’m so glad to have seen her, but still sad that this is unresolved ( in my eyes).
So, only time will tell.
Baby steps and small wins.

Thank you all for your best wishes xx

@user1486131602, it may not feel like it but sounds like it went fantastic. I am really happy for you.

@Tiddleypops, how are you doing? I have been reading your posts. I know you feel like you have taken steps back but I see it differently... I believe it is the nature of the journey. Sometimes we are ahead sometimes we feel like we have regressed.. it is all actually part of progress. Sounds crazy but it us true. I am not saying this to make you feel good but it is sincere, you are handling everything so well. Honest.

@RoseMartha, hey . .. Please, don't give in to him pressuring you to sell up (I know.. easier said than done). Follow your solicitor's advice. I know we feel vulnerable and shaky when we have to deal with these men over non-cintentious issues, so it is even worse when the issues at hand are contentious. I send you strength. He can't just keep pushing you around.
He would not leave the house until he decided, he won't have the kids as discussed or promised unless as he decides in the moment... It can not always be about him.

Hi all,

@Tiddleypops, thanks for that link, I think that's a good one for all of us and is very encouraging.

@user1486131602, glad the coffee went ok and that sounds like good progress.

@Itistimeandiamscared, thanks so much for that encouragement. Yes you're right of course I don't need anyone's permission, least of all his. I think I subconsciously I was expecting that he would at some point accept the situation and we would be able to end it amicably, but letting go of that a bit- while still keeping calm and reasonable- is liberating.

@RoseMartha, how are you?

And how is everyone else?

Hi, everyone.
@Tiedupwithstrings, I know that feeling of somehow wanting that approval... wanting.. actually not just wanting needing them to agree with us and try and do things amicably.
I couldn't even start divorce proceedings because I was needing him to agree that we really had nothing to salvage, I couldn't even think in my head.. I couldn't accept that he is a very abusive, controlling & vindictive, mean, petty and ABUSIVE... did I say abusive human being because he refused to acknowledge that his treatment of me was poor.

I really needed him to agree on things for me to feel able that I could do something!!! It took me months.... actually almost a year and continuous nasty behaviour from him to get to a point now where when I am about to make a big decision my mind doesn't immediately go to him thinking 'would he aporove?' 'would he like it?'

I am not fully there yet because I still suffer from guilt when I do things without seeking his opinion /approval. And that guilt is horrible. But I am a lot better. And I am learning to only need my own opinion. ONLY mine. And as much as it is scary, it is great. Really great - freeing, confidence building and so so freeing.

I have been having a difficult couple of weeks. There has been some more nastiness from STBXH and also weird behaviour that is making me very uneasy.
I know he feels powerless that he could not stop my moving and I know that is starting to get to him... I am kinda stressed... worrying, anxious.
I also feel the exhaustion from moving is starting to catch up with me, I am so so tired. I moved most of the things in our home myself driving a medium-largish van. That took a few trips and then several trips using my car to move stuff. I loaded up and unloaded the van mostly by myself.
I got the previous home professionally cleaned, left the house in excellent condition, I even painted some rooms. I worked on the garden. I had to take all my flowers because the LL wanted the house back with the garden in a lawn state. I worked very hard. Now, the LL says I am getting very little of my deposit back due to wear and tear on the property. And some damage (H broke one of the floor tiles).
I feel so deflated. I really need the deposit.
STBXH has said he is coming to take the car. In the new place, I tried switching to a cheaper gas company but the previous company blocked it because they are being owed £790. I have been trying to get a school for my eldest but no vacancies. I have gone personally round schools. No success. My eldest is commuting an hour and half each way to go to school.

I feel like lying down and giving up. But if I do, I will unravel.
I am so tired, the little tasks like cooking, settling fights between the kids are too much. I constantly feel on the brink of tears.
I feel tired, discouraged and deflated. I just want to cry.
I am just not in a good way.

Also, I got home from work this night to find two medium sized boxes from STBXH 's home country addressed to me. This is at my new address!! With a very old phone number I used to have over 10years ago as my contact details. The name of the sender is not a name I know.

I know that his cousin who threatened to slap my DC was there recently but don't know if she is still there. She was sending hateful messages to me through the children while she was here in the UK, why would she send me anything.

No-one has called me or messaged me to say I sent you some things, watch out for when they arrive.

The thing is NO-ONE apart from my siblings, STBXH and my previous LL have my new address.
Is STBXH giving out my address???

My name wasn't even written in the way that people who really know me would write it. The version of my name used, is a nick name, yes, but not the shortened version I use.
I didn't open them. They just went straight in the big bins outside.

@itistimeandiamscared, oh I am so sorry to hear that you're struggling. This is the hardest time now, with stbxh feeling angry and all the work from moving house catching up with you. And with all the usual day to day things as well. Don't give up, it will get better. You've come so far already.

Is there anyone that could help with finances, is it worth a visit to the cab? It sounds like your LL is being harsh about the deposit, you should be able to get support with this. I haven't used them yet but gingerbread - for single parents- may be able to help?

I'm so sorry to hear about the schools. I really hope you get a place sorted out soon.

Thanks so much for all your words of encouragement, it is so helpful to hear I'm not the only one feeling this guilt and that I can get past it.

Sending you hugs. 🤗🤗🤗

Thank you @Tiedupwithstrings, I really appreciate your comforting words. They are like a hug.

I just don't have any fight left in me.

@Itistimeandiamscared, sorry I can't offer more experienced advice- I know there's others who will- but I guess just remember you won't always feel like this. You did the right thing. It will get easier. Meanwhile, go easy on yourself and take a break when you can, take help when it's offered 🤗💪🤗

Itsmeandimscared
I totally understand the exhaustion.
Just stop. If you don’t youll be overwhelmed and crash.
You cannot change everything, Rome wasn’t built in a day!

Landlord: was your deposit covered by the guarantee scheme? Did you take photos when you left? If so, write to him and explain that unless he returns the deposit, you will be placing it in the hands of your solicitor for a claim under the guarantee. ....not your problem!

Parcels:
Personally, I would get them returned to sender unopened, with a message: not known at this address on them....not your problem!

Schools:
If you live in a different school district, just apply and wait. Can your dc wait to join next term?

Car:
Unless the car is owned, registered and paid for in its entirety by STBXH, possession is 9/10 of the law.you do NOT have to give it back, if you have paperwork change address etc.

Cooking, cleaning,etc...... just do what you can. Slow cooker is a great idea! Shove what you like in it and a meal ready when you come home!

Bills:
Do you know if your supplier has a ‘ hardship scheme’. This means that they can chose to put you on a special tariff ( sometimes called a social tariff) that allows you to pay less or even write off some of the arrears due to financial hardship. No institution is allowed to put you in “financial hardship”. Google it!

Use that journal, dump your emotions, make lists, write Down who, when where you spoke to, sorted etc.

I know I’m further down the line than you but YOU WILL SUCEED!
Sleep whenever you can, your body and mind are processing years of stress and control, things they knew weren’t right for you, but we all fought for what we thought was right, and that takes a toll on us. A nanny nap is the new disco!!🤣
Do ONE thing a day for you.
Don ONE thing a day when sorting things, what the worst that could happen? Let the kids sort their own squabbles?!

A funny thing happened:
When I stopped fighting, strangely so did my now EX.

My daughter told me a statement he had made recently:
‘he had no idea how miserable he had been for years’ no shit!
Even though it’s about only him, maybe the penny has dropped.

Please take care of yourself, remember, whatever happens you are a 🦸‍♀️ superwoman. Your life begins now.

Love and hugs

Oh @user1486131602, you have had me bawling. Thank you. I feel so grateful. I can see that you get it. Thank you.
Today, I feel numb... Like I have lost the connection of what it is/means to be alive.
But your words have managed to touch something in me...... Thank you.
Lots of great advice. Thank you so much.

Itsmeandimscared

You feel numb because you are trying to fix everything for everyone.
Just not for you.
You have a new unscripted life with a totally unexpected path infront of you with no one else ‘telling ‘ you how.
Take a day off superwoman!
Here’s a saying I use : do whatever, coz the crap will still be there in the morning! And you what, it always is.
Sod the mess, in your head and house, feed the kids McDonald’s, they’ll think xmas came early and they won’t die! You can have the night off!
Sit watch whatever junk YOU like on tv....zone out eat crap, rest and start again tomo! Bawl your eyes out, if you like, who cares!
No one to impress right now but yourself! And that’s the key to your freedom!!
Love and hugs

@Itistimeandiamscared you know what, you are amazing. Thank you for all your kind words, you are so emotionally intelligent, you are powerful and amazingly strong. Honestly, that just shines through on your posts. I hope you see it in yourself. I can't add any practical advice (@user1486131602 has nailed it ) but please know that we are all cheering you.

user1486131602 You have made progress with your daughter. Now, she knows that you are there for her. Now she understands that you are not the enemy. She has seen you being consistent and solid. You will be her solid ground when she needs it. Your relationship with her is going through a difficult time, through no fault of your own, and yet you are here making progress and maintaining this stability for her. I know how hard it has been to be so patient, but it is working. I think she will look back on this time when she has some life experience and she will want to be just like her mum I think your relationship with her will flourish in time, because of how steady and loving you are being right now, I really do. This is the start of something.

@Tiedupwithstrings I think you are really making progress. It's hard to see it in yourself sometimes, but you are. You will get passed the guilt.

I'm doing well in a head sense (for today anyway!)
I've moved passed some guilt myself, let go of some resentment, accepted that I can't make life move any faster, accepted that I can't fix problems that haven't yet happened yet. H is not doing great, but I am detached. He's been told by someone else "you need to start helping yourself a bit mate". He was, of course, outraged, after all he's an expert at being a victim (of me, of his employer, of his family etc), but I just smiled inwardly and thought how good it was that someone else could see through him too.

Tiddleypops:
It’s great to hear you feeling so steady and mindful.
Thankyou for your kind words, I truly hope you’re right!
As for H, sounds like.....everything that goes around , comes around! As, you said, others are now noticing his true personality because you’re not taking up the slack or making excuses! Well done!

Itsmeandimscared:
Hope you woke up and the fairies had been?! No! I told you it’s always there in the morning!🙄
Up to you, but I think you should make your bedroom a comfortable retreat first. Then work through the other rooms to get them as you like, this way you’ll always have somewhere to go when you are overwhelmed!
Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest and I know that isn’t the case
for us, but you should take the time for yourself.

Ladies, I wish you all some quiet time and no/less drama!
Love and hugs