Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Thanks @Tiddleypops, I'm having yet another wobble, feeling again that I have no right to leave. My H is not drinking much at the moment, which is making the decision harder. Funnily enough I just read your other thread which is really helpful and a good sanity saver. So I'm plodding on even with all the doubts.

Been to the CAB about finances, benefits etc and they've booked me in with a solicitor but basically said I shouldn't move out as it could prejudice my rights to live in the house. My name is on the mortgage though so I don't think this is correct, but I'll find out for sure soon.

I'm going to pack a bag of mine and the children's things in case things go downhill when I talk about divorce again. He's still firmly in denial and each time I bring something up I feel like I'm splitting up with him all over again.

Anyway, sorry for the rant but I feel better just getting it down. Meanwhile I'm trying to be better at self care and focusing on keeping sane for myself and the kids!

How is everyone else this weekend?

@Tiddleypops, that is a great idea to stay positive and help yourself get through your terrible situation. As I think you lose some of who you are and what you want, need and deserve and you need to get that back.

@Tiedupwithstrings, Try and think what it is like on a bad day. Because that is the reality. And might help you know you are doing the right thing. Go to the solicitor for advice the initial appointment should be free in most cases. Packing a bag for you and the kids is also a good idea. I had one packed for over a year. Good luck with your meeting.

@user1486131602 Sending 🤗🤗

How is everyone else?

Still problems with h. Demanding his money from house now. Wants us to sell now. We could put it on market but my solicitor firmly advised me against a completion of a sale before financial order comes through as can cause unnecessary complications especially if the judge does not agree with order and it is sent back and we are back to square one. I have received more verbal threats from him more abuse. It has been a really tough week.

@Tiedupwithstrings you know what, I spent years and years thinking like you - that I shouldn't really leave, that perhaps it was unreasonable of me etc etc. I was taking on the guilt and shame and (more importantly) all of the responsibility of H's problems.
You are entitled to separate, you absolutely are. I agree with RoseMartha, keep in mind the bad days. I keep a diary and look back every now and then to remind myself. You know these men have a 6th sense for when you are about to lose your shit! My H kept up that cycle for years!
It also hit me this week, when a friend validated my feelings, that my H has never ever validated my feelings. He has always made my feelings not valid.

I also spent many months having to have the same separation conversation over and over. He just ignored it. (Or, ignored it and cut down on the drinking in a half arsed feeble pointless way to try and make up for the last decade - that's not exactly putting much effort into saving things is it?!) It was harder and harder to bring up the subject every time. He was more and more determined to ignore it, so we didn't get any closer to actual separation.
Not sure if you will have seen it on my other thread, but I ended up getting a solicitor to write to him and then filing for divorce. It took me so so long to realise I did NOT need his approval or validation to do this (and I was never going to get it anyway). And nor do you. You are allowed to choose life. Your life is about YOU and no one else. I am long past feeling guilty.
I still had a bit of a wobble the other week. H was trying to do sober for october (lasted till the 4th). It still happens. But it doesn't last long (either the wobble or H's not drinking!) I cried at Al-anon this week, not done that for a long long while, and I feel better for it

Oh also, if you need to leave then do so. No it will not affect the financial settlement. There seems to be a bit of a myth around this (and it's part of the reason my H was so determined he would not move out, because he wrongly thought it would affect the settlement). The only way I think this staying in the house thing comes in, is around keeping the children settled. I.e. if there were a dispute about whether you retained the house or H, it would go in your favour if it meant the kids staying in the house. (Not that I am a legal expert!) It certainly doesn't seem to affect anything in terms of how the finances get divided.

@RoseMartha your is a special case, he is bonkers. I am so glad you are getting out of it and I can't wait for you to be properly free.

Morning ladies
Tied up with strings:
Please take what the CAB tell you with a pinch of salt, each time I’ve used them, the advice was the polar opposite of lawful advice. They are not experts in family law! Al-anon can probably refer you to someone who can advise you correctly.

RoseMartha:
Sorry to hear your manchild is off again!

Tiddleypops
Thank you and back at you!

My biggest piece of advice since this thread started has been for each of us to write a journal of what happens each day. It still is.

user that is such good advice and I haven't taken it. I am overwhelmed by everything, and I don't know where I would keep something like that - on line? In a notebook? But you are right, you are so right. I am constantly thinking what on earth am I doing and relying on memory for things he has done. I wish I'd started one 30 years ago!

CAB advice - I worked for the CAB. You normally have paid supervisors and then volunteers actually do the interviews, but you can ask to see a supervisor and they are generally very knowledgeable. Their website is pretty good too. When you see a volunteer they normally note your case, go back into the office to check with a supervisor, and then give you advice which they record - that's a very strict requirement. I found that I did help some people with things like benefits and without the CAB they would have been in a real mess. But we could also refer to solicitors, we had various firms giving us so many hours per month pro bono, and our branch was very lucky to have a one stop shop once a month for women trying to leave their husbands etc., with a solicitor, local authority housing officer and Women's Aid doing a surgery all in one building you got a note from CAB to say you needed to attend, turned up (and waited) but it was really handy. So I suppose I am just saying sometimes they can be amazing, but it differs in each area and yes, do double check their info.

Thanks so much everyone!

Yes, thanks @RoseMartha, remembering the bad days is a good idea and I have been keeping a note of some of the worst drinking days so will remember to look through when I'm feeling like this. Sorry you've had more abuse from your H, I'm glad you're listening to your solicitor and not to him!

@user1486131602, thanks, I'm going to keep track of conversations as well as I think I haven't realised how much I've been manipulated. It's crept up on me. I need to trust my gut instinct which is always telling me to get the hell out! Getting there, slowly! How are you?

Thanks @Tiddleypops, your advice is so helpful. You're right, I don't need his approval, but I think I'm such a people pleaser I think I need his permission- that sounds ridiculous when I write it down though! I think maybe with all of us the trouble is our Hs are one of the biggest influences in our lives and so even with everyone else telling me to leave I still find myself listening to what he says! Got to stop doing that! Hope you're having a peaceful weekend. I'm glad Al anon was helpful. I need to get to more meetings. Did you get a sponsor?

@DishingOutDone, thanks for info on CAB. Yes, they booked me in with a solicitor to make sure I got the advice specific to my case. They were really helpful and the woman did double check some things out for me, but I'll keep in mind that sometimes it's good to get a second opinion.

I didn't think to ask Al anon, thanks @user..!

@newuser, sorry you are going through that. It could be a good thing if he thinks it's his idea, although yes that could take a lot of time! Stay strong!

DishingOutDone
I have used a notebook, every day for the last Couple of yrs.
It started as a way to ‘dump’ my emotions..... but, It was a powerful tool in providing me with clarity as to how I was being treated. And, more importantly, allowing myself to be treated. Again and again.

Lastly, it was very helpful during my divorce, it helped proved I was in an abusive marriage, then there was help from police, WA, solicitors, legal, council etc........

I wasn’t bashing CAB I know they do a great job, just for me the 2x I went for help they were wrong. Just my luck!

How am I? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️. I’m not sleeping* too well. I need to eat better, but can’t, I need to find motivation but can’t. I’m much better than I was 4 weeks ago. But still not better! If that makes sense?!
Beyond sick of hearing myself complain. Waiting, just waiting.
My daughter only answers my messages never sends me one. Doesn’t message her brother, he’s getting fed up of everyone telling him to keep in contact, he does...she doesn’t answer!

I hope you have a quiet weekend.

So, ladies, find the time, find the few pounds, invest in yourselves....keep a diary everyday.
Love and hugs

user I think its a big step forward that she answers your messages; all you can do is bide your time but you know that. We are all on your team. (PS I didn't think you were CAB bashing at all, I just think its handy to explain their process now and again as it is volunteers after all is said and done)

Sorry for making this about me! Haven't had chance to read through posts for a week or two will catch up once kids asleep. Have copied and pasted my AIBU thread about my STBXH to see what you lovely ladies think. I don't know if I'm even thinking clearly anymore 😩

Yesterday stbxh took our three DC for their weekly sleepover. Thirty minutes after he took them he phoned me to ask what my plans were. I told him none of his business. Thirty minutes after that he'd left the DC with his mum and turned up unannounced at house. He was angry when I wouldn't let him in. (So not to drip feed last time I was alone with him he hit me, last week he told me he hopes my body is ravaged with cancer and I die a long slow painful death) I do not feel comfortable being alone with him and have no desire to discuss again why I won't give him another chance.

This sort of thing happens every single weekend without fail as soon as I am child free. When the children are with me six nights a week I hear nothing from him. Every weekend he will phone crying and begging me to get back with him one minute then being vile and abusive the next. I've always tried to be civil (not always worked but I've tried!) we have been separated two years and lived apart 22 months.

So after I refused to speak to him and let him in house he went away and phoned ten minutes later. He ranted for a bit and cried for a bit then said he better go pick up our DC from his parents before he "did something stupid" (this is not the first time he's threatened this). And hung up. He then text to say he's sorry for everything goodbye. I ignored text as didn't want to pander to him yet again.

Four hours later my eldest DC called to say he was worried about his dad as he'd not collected them from their grandparents house and they couldn't contact him on the phone. I tried calling him but phone off. Waited for a friend to arrive to come to his flat with me as wasn't sure what to expect and didn't want to go alone. This all took roughly another thirty minutes. Got to his flat and no car and no sign of him. Called his parents to say he's not there what now. They said oh no he's back now he's been in his flat all the time upset because you wouldn't let him in to talk to you.

Aibu to think this was a massive mind game to make me think he had killed himself???

Sorry for massive long post and any typos

@clpsmum, that sounds horrible and yes, like mind games. I can't see why you should be the one trying to find him. Sounds like he is still trying to stop you having any kind of life. Can you report this to someone?

Definitely mind games. Do his parents know he hit and abused you last time you let him in? and why didn't one of them dash round and see if their son was doing something stupid? or are they just cheerleading for him? So sorry you've had this rubbish again, but there could be a way of not buying into it by turning it back on his parents if they are enabling a lot of it.

Oh dear, just read your AIBU post, so his parents are enabling it. I liked the idea of the poster who said call the police every time he threatens suicide and is "unavailable". Is there a reason you have not gone for a Child Arrangement Order? You can get all the details sorted out in that about where access takes place, who goes where etc. Have you got a solicitor on board @clpsmum? I can't remember what your circumstances are but are you planning to stay in the house or sell up?

@clpsmum that's just awful! What a narcissistic spoilt brat he is, honestly what's wrong with these men?! It's all about them. Guess what, he would never kill himself, he loves himself too much to do that. You did the right thing not letting him in, especially after he hit you. Sending you lots of hugs, so sorry you've had to deal with that!

@user1486131602 thank you so much for the idea of a notebook, definitely going to start writing things down. At the moment I generally feel very confused and the reason I've not been writing much on here is simply because I struggle to formulate what I want to say. I do feel that I need to express my feelings somehow as, otherwise, it's all snowballing inside me and my MH is suffering as a result.

So happy to hear your daughter is responding to messages, small steps, keeping everything crossed here she will come back soon.

Sending you lots of positive vibes ❤️

Clpsmum
That’s coercive co trol. Log all of it including his threats and hitting you. Call the police if you have to.
Time to protect yourself, his behaviour and then enabling him is making things escalate. I am worried for you and your children.

You do not have to put up with this you are not a couple anymore.
Stop contact with him
Stop contact with his parents
Stop child visits. Get SS WA and police involved, before it’s too late.

Sending you love and hugs, and any support you might need we are ALL here for you.

Thank you full Steam Ahead!
Just use the notebook to unload, it doesn’t have to make sense or be in any order, mine wasn’t! It’s just for you.
IF you need to use it you can. And don’t if you don’t need to.
But we all need somewhere to unload and trust it won’t be used against us. After my recent betrayal I’m back writing to myself!!🤪

Just take this small step to invest in yourself.

Love and hugs

@Tiddleypops Your comment about trying to get out for years and going round in circles really resonated with me. Same here, I feel like I've been on some sort of horror merry go round for years, patching up problems, feeling like it's all my fault, trying to sort things out. Finally I feel I have some clarity and even though things are bloody tough at the moment I know I'm heading in the right direction.

Thank you all for being such an amazing support.

I've had a so so week. STBXH still no further forward with singing the lease, it's less than 3 weeks till he is meant to move out and still nothing, not packed a single thing yet either. It's making me very uncomfortable and worried. He's been going from super nice to vile all week, I can't even decide which version I can cope with better. He asked me to buy some chicken for him whilst I was in supermarket, later I sent him reply saying Got your chicken, for some stupid reason phone autocorrected to Got our chicken, and I didn't even realise. Later on he said that he got all excited as he thought we were getting back together since I said Our chicken 😂 What the hell?!
And then I had a haircut on Thursday which I loved and was for once feeling good about myself. Got home and he laughed in my face, said that he was so happy he didn't have to lie anymore about his dislike of my shorter hair and pay me compliments when he actually hated my haircut. I know it's just his way of trying to have control and that I should just ignore it but it still hurt really bad. I ended up in tears.

How is everyone else doing? Hope you've had a good weekend, hugs to all of you 🤗

@user1486131602 thank you again, off to get a notebook tomorrow!

@clpsmum that is awful definitely playing mind games. I would discuss with solicitor or Sw. And be very wary of further contact for the kids. Thinking of you all, stay safe. 🤗

@Fullsteamahead. 🤗🤗 i should have divorced my h years ago too. You are not alone. 🤗🤗 one day at a time. It is important to not think too far ahead and just focus on the next step in the process otherwise it all gets too overwhelming.

@user1486131602 . Glad your daughter is still responding to your texts. I hope she will text you first before too long. But it is good contact is still there.

@Newuseroftheweek
Hi welcome back. We are here for you. One step at a time. One day at a time. Have either of you sought legal advice?

Another day from hell here with more manipulating and self pitying and trying to assume control and abusive texts from H. I am going to have to seek some legal advice because it is really wearing me down and getting me down and I feel so unsettled and anxious I am shaking after I get a text or if I have to send him one in fear of his temper and what he might do next. Also kids are very upset about spending more time with him as he is telling me he is wanting. 😕

Happy Monday from Costco lovelies 😂😂😂

Just a bit of news.......I’m meeting my dd for coffee, fingers crossed please 🙏🤞🏻

That sounds very positive user, all fingers crossed xxx

Good luck user, hope it goes well. 🤗

@user1486131602 Everything crossed here!!!