Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@DishingOutDone yep, I already thought about their similarities when I was reading the posts you wrote back in summer. Interesting that Domestic Violence helpline recognise these patterns!
My kids are younger but OH is pretty much the same age as yours, he has just turned 61.
He really can't bear the fact that I'm finally serious about divorce, and, of course, it's all about him, the other day he said to me, you've no idea what you are doing to me, I could be retired in a year (this is now that my business is doing ok, the business he wanted nothing to do with and didn't want to help me with at all). He is distraught that I've decided not to think about how/where/on what money he will live. As far as he is concerned he provided for kids and I and now it's my turn, I should shut up, ignore all the problems, be a mum (to the kids and to him) and work full time to provide for all of them!

Hi ladies
Hope all is calm!
I’ve been to solicitor today, have to start financials within 6 weeks of nisi!
So as of today, I don’t have a reason to stay in the house as youngest (my daughter) isn’t living here.
I don’t have enough income without the benefits I can claim when she is living here!
The house has no real equity, it may pay the solicitor fees and for house sale but nothing else.
I have to go after him for savings, pension etc.
The court will almost certainly demand sale of home, meaning that both my son and myself are homeless.
There’s no help for son,........he’s an adult!
And I have to into refuge for abused wives........the shit never stops or gets any better.
It doesn’t seem fair that after all these yrs of abuse ( all forms) IM the one left with nothing and have to go to a refuge to be housed?
I keep believing that it can’t be worse than living my old life......but now I’m not too sure.
At least I would have a roof over my head, food, a home for my son, my daughter would still be home and maybe I wouldn’t of lost my mind as I would just been dealing with the usual things.

What have I done?

Oh @user1486131602 - you know that saying it is better to die on your feet than live on your knees? well.... - do you really mean you have to access housing via a refuge first? And where will your son go?

Does STBexH have savings etc that would be worth going after? Also am I right in thinking you are not able to work? I know I will probably end up in a similar position the way things are going. It has to be worth it though, to have peace of mind?

DishingOutDone
Yes, I do understand the saying.

My understanding at the moment is: yes I will have to go to a refuge for up to 4 months, and then be housed wherever, as you cannot refuse their offer ( they can put you any area and in any form of housing) or you will be giving up your right to housing!
I am unable to work.
Just tired of fighting.

All that crap for all those years, and no justice in my eyes.

Oops....
I’m going to go back to the women’s aid agencies, shelter etc.
I don’t feel happy with what looks like a bum deal.
Ex H MH and abuse doesn’t really seem to have been taken into account at all or his abuse of me etc.....

@user1486131602 Sending you a massive hug, things will work out somehow and I'm sure your daughter will come around too. It's heartbreaking reading that you feel so defeated. Please don't give up, you are the strongest one on here and have been an amazing inspiration, I'm sure the others will confirm it too. Stay strong, there is light at the end of the tunnel 😘😘😘

Full steam ahead:
Thank you

You know user I am thinking about this, all the cases I have read on here - I thought the courts allocated each to their need, if that makes sense - so if you are unable to work then I wonder why your solicitor is thinking you definitely have to sell up; definitely think Shelter is a good call.

I second what @Fullsteamahead has said, we all look to you for inspiration!

@user1486131602 . I know your situation with in laws is different to mine. I didnt mean to belittle your circumstances it must be hell on earth for you. I just hope your daughter continues to make baby steps towards you again. So sorry to read your news. The refuge might be a place to regroup yourself and get back on your feet again. Where will your son go? Thinking of you🙄🙄 it feels very unfair for you.

@Fullsteamahead thank you for sharing your story. I hope it felt like a weight was lifted just by doing so.
I hated the stonewalling too, for years I didn't even realise what it was. You have made forward steps already. Keep going you are doing great. 🤗

@Tiedupwithstrings very true I think it is because they know we are here for them whatever that we ate their safe person that they act out with us in ways they would contain themselves with others. How are you?

@Tiddleypops and @DishingOutDone and @Itistimeandiamscared
How are you all?

Crappy day here. H texting me intimidating, blaming, trying to guilt trip me again. And again as usual the issue was him. I refuse to do what I used to do which was apologise to him for something he had done to me, to get him out of his sulk .
Three times he sent me the same message in half an hour. I just said to myself do not apologise Rose for something he has done.
He also told me earlier he might not help me do some stuff at the house to get it ready to go on the market which he previously agreed to do. So left me hanging in the air again not knowing whether he us turning up or wants a lift or what. Feel totally unsettled again. I know he does this on purpose. Dc said to me tonight 'dont let dad control you'. I assured them i was not. But inside i feel all anxious and upset.

Hello lovely people. Today is world mental health day and I thought I'd just pop in to send you all a massive virtual hug. We are all going through tough times and it's so encouraging to have this amazing group here. Thank you for your support, thank you for continuing to be strong no matter what, you are all amazing!!!

@user1486131602, so sorry to read that. Sending you massive (((huggsss))).
That just doesn't seem right. Financially, I assume you may be kind of limited in what you can do, are you able to get a second opinion?
Why should being housed in a shelter mean you give up your right to housing??
So frustrating. The system really needs an overhaul.
I am so sorry to hear this.
I feel like there should be other options because this just seems so wrong.
You need your solicitor to really highlight the factors in your favour.
I am sorry I don't have any useful help.

I hope you don't mind my asking, you seem very worried about your son. How old is he exactly? Is your son working or in full time education? I don't like the fact that going into a shelter and being housed anywhere after 4 months, means a potential separation from your son... You could end up living far away from each other (and not through either of your choosing).

Things must seem overwhelming for you right now.
Take time out from worrying/thinking about your circumstances. Can you spend a day deliberately not thinking about it. Let your mind quieten. In those moments, other solutions or options may float to the surface.
Failing that, your fighting spirit may revive.
It is not better to go back to the life you had before. That was a situation that could only worsen.
But with your current situation, it can only get better.

When there is life, there is hope. And when there is hope, there is a fighting chance.
And with your strength, you will be in a better place in 1 - 2 years time.
Please, don't despair.

Hi, everyone.
Thanks @RoseMartha for asking after me.
I really appreciate it.
I have moved!! I am happy but I am not getting any space to enjoy it just yet. Because STBXH has unloaded a whole ton of twattery, difficulty, nastiness... (to mention a few) on me.
I am trying to deal with all that right now. It feels like I am swimming in mud and I trying but not able to come up for air.
I will not crumble. He is determined to break me and it is like the more he tries and he dies not see the results he wants, the bigger he comes at me.

@user1486131602, I am so upset at your update but I will be keeping you in mind and sending extra strong positive vibes, every goodness that I come across and lots & lots of strength your way.

Itsmeandimscared:
Thank you for your kind words and wishes.

I have spoken to women’s aid, council housing and solicitor.
My son is 18 and in full time education. We can be put into temporary accommodation ( their word for refuge) for up to 2 years!

So, I had a worrying day yesterday, but.....
I have made my mind up to drag my feet on every little thing thing and just let things settle. I can stop the 2nd half of the divorce if I have to, until the financials are sorted, agreed on and gone to court for a result, there is nothing he can do.

If I just delay, delay, delay I can stay here, my son has somewhere to stay, my daughter may have come home, all these things will change my legal position. So that’s what I’m going to do.
If it can work for him it can work for me!

I wish you all a calm steady day, sorry I don’t have any support to offer right now
Love 💗 and hugs 🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared - brilliant news that you have managed to move - are your DC with you? Or has Ex caused problems there too? You sound very strong and upbeat I am so glad move has been successful.

user hope you are ok I'm thinking I've missed a post come back and let us know the latest.

Love and strength to you all.

Cross post!! Just seen @user1486131602's update ...

@user1486131602 - I see now, I see where this is going and you are entirely right to drag it out now as it will be best for you to wait in the long run. Get his pension valued and find out about savings (if you can) - are you still able to claim child benefit etc for your DD or is this what's going to a be problem affording the mortgage? Are you or Ex paying anything towards it at the moment, and can you ask for any payment holiday etc from the lender?

DishingOutDone
He is paying the mortgage £300 a month, and food for son £75
tax credits for daughter and child benefit for daughter, she is the one under 18.
Don’t want to find out about any of his financials, as so as I do it means I have to supply info and the second part of the divorce continues.
That is what I mean by delay, delay, delay.

Oh I see, yes that makes sense. Do you think he will continue to pay or is he likely to start actually pushing you for the absolute?

@user1486131602 despite everything you are sounding much more positive today. 🤗🤗 one day at a time. Is all you can do.

@Itistimeandiamscared glad the move went ok. Sorry you are having to deal with more of his crap. 🤗🤗 hope it settles down.

H had major go at me about things he is not happy about and putting himself and his needs about the kids, before the kids needs and wants regarding contact and also threatened to move back in and complained about having to pay child maintenance. According to him I need to sort it all and I need to sort it now. It was not pleasant. Still feeling delicate now.

DishingOutDone
I think he’ll continue to pay because of his credit history.......for a new mortgage when needed?

RoseMartha:
Thank you 🙏
I don’t feel positive but not frantic, so that’s a bonus!!

Thank you both for your kind thoughts!

@user1486131602 you have had such positive encouraging words for us all at times when we have needed it. I wish I were as good at offering such support and encouragement as you are.

Yes, you have to do what you have to do and if that is delay everything then so be it. I am learning (the hard way!) that sometimes to wait is the best thing to do. It is during the waiting that things can change, and opportunities arise that may otherwise not have done. It's really bloody difficult to do that when you are a 'doing' person and used to figuring out solutions!
My situation is far from yours, so I don't want to compare, but for me, I just had to surrender to my powerlessness a couple of weeks ago. Although I feel like I'm back at level 0 in my recovery, I am feeling that this time I'll have a more solid foundation. I can trust myself, I can look for good things in each day.

And I can wait. At least, despite the pain of living with H, I know that DS is safe. H is very odd at the moment, I have a very uncomfortable gut feeling that is not good... but at least we are in the same house - and I never thought I would feel glad of that!

Perhaps things are working out just the way they need to. you will know what you need to know, when you need to know it. Sending you strength.

@Itistimeandiamscared you are doing so well. You will get through it, just try not to deal with everything at once if you can help it! Park the things you can.

@RoseMartha big hugs. I know that feeling. Delicate is a good description, I felt like that last week after a run in with H about contact time with DS - and exactly the same - it was all about H and not about DS. Take care to look after yourself the way you would a friend.

Thank you ladies, each of you.
Having someone ( each of you ) thinking about and caring about me really helps.
As I said before, maybe it’s just time to let things ‘be’ for a while. It is hard when you are a fixer, but the epiphany I had before led me to this:
“ fixing the problem...is the problem”
So just gonna sit tight and let things unfold.

I am feeling better than I was, but still not quite right.
Each of you are strong, intelligent and compassionate women, and that alone means you will win. They do not have the capacity for any of those things.

Love and hugs

Hi everyone. Virtual hugs and strength on world mental health day. It sounds like despite a lot of very tough situations we're all doing pretty well! I'm so glad to have this group, thank you. ♥️

@user148.., this is such a tough situation and feels so unjust. I really hope you find a solution where you can be together with your DC's. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better and hope you can use this time to look after yourself. Wishing for the best outcome for you... 💐

@RoseMartha, thanks for asking, I'm doing ok today, thanks. I'm sorry to hear about your H having another go at you. That must be horrible having him threaten to move back in, hopefully that is an empty threat- do you have people to back you up if you need it? xx

@Itistimeandiamscared, I'm so glad you've managed to move! It sounds as though you are managing not to engage with your H's abuse, which is great. I hope you can ride the storm- hopefully it's a comfort that the attacks are because of his insecurity at finding you so strong! 💪

@Tiddleypops, I'm glad you're ok. And you're definitely not back at 0! You have come so far and have inspired me to get to al anon too. Thank you.

@Fullsteamahead and @DishingOutDone, how are you?

@user1486131602, it sounds like sitting tight is a right thing to do - but yes, it's very difficult to get used to! I've decided that in my case, the waiting time is going to be an opportunity to get to know myself again, to learn to trust myself and understand my feelings all over again. My H had broken all that. It will mean I'm more ready when the next step comes.

@Tiedupwithstrings thank you, I think I'm feeling a little better this week. I'm building a solid foundation I think this time.

How are you doing?

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend x