Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Full steam ahead: welcome!
We are all on this journey and try to support each other or offer an always listening ear. Post if you want, don’t if you can’t, just kno we are her.
Yes ladies I did get my nisi, granted for abusive and unreasonable behaviour.
Thank you all for your kind words. Had a quiet relaxing weekend and feeling somewhat better. My dd is still to home, but we are messaging, small steps, small wins. And no, it didn’t take anything away from being granted my freedom!!
Hope things were better for you all. Love and hugs 🤗

@Fullsteamahead hey, have a hand hold Sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now, I'm not surprised you feel sad and numb and want to cry a lot of the time. Divorce and separation is so so so traumatic, essentially when you have a special case H like yours. He sounds unpredictable, and of course, blaming you for everything. Where do they get the idea from that they are the centre of the sodding universe?! Come and rant whenever you want to. It really does help!

@user1486131602 I'm full of admiration. I know you have had such a hard time with your DD, but you have remained calm and consistent and slowly, slowly, it sounds as though she is coming round. I'm sure the drama of staying with her bf and then her dad and grandmother(have I got that right?) was all very attractive for a while, but she'll come round. Men like her dad are on a roller-coaster and flip and change their attitude and minds depending on the weather. The novelty will start to wear thin. And you'll be there.

I've called the court this afternoon and just today the system had been updated to say the judge has approved my nisi application. After the last one was rejected because THEY had lost my marriage certificate, I am so so relieved that there hasn't been some other cock up. There's still a long way to go. No movement on finances yet and there will be a shit storm when he has to eventually move out, but, a step closer to that today I think 🤞

Hey tiddleypops
Welcome to the club! Just a few short weeks til the judge will grant the nisi! Freedom in sight!
I’m also worried about the shitstorm the finances will cause, but, you know what? It can’t be worse than continue to live like that.
I don’t really think that things are greatly improving with my dd, but as I’ve said, baby steps, small wins. Anyway, I believe she and I are making progress. She has had total freedom and autonomy while her Dad was away.
He was back sat just gone. Strangely, brought me a gift 🤷‍♀️.????
So, for those that betrayed my trust, they have to live themselves. I now have legal proof of what I was saying! For those that are poisoning my daughter ( in-laws are so Ive been told by my son!) shame on you. Say what you like to me but not them! But then they haven’t got the balls!! That’s a massive reflection of who you are😈
That won’t change me or make me bitter, I’ve wasted enough of my life fighting your battles!

I have to collect some info for my solicitor to complete the financials so I will need to see her shortly and discuss my best options since ex has declined offer of the century!

I wish all you ladies peace and calm
💗 and 🤗

@Tiddleypops!! You and @user1486131602A? possible two Nisis?! Is that the correct plural?! Good news about contact with your DD user slowly slowly as they say.

Welcome @Fullsteamahead, oh that would be so good if he did move out at planned

I am still thinking about how my H is going to be when i tell him to go. Tonight he gave me a lift home from a friends as it was raining, all well and good, then I said I may have left my phone and started to look in my bag. We were something like 100 yards from her house but he went apeshit in the car. I said why are you like this it will take less than 5 minutes to get the phone if necessary (turns out it was in my bag found it 30 seconds later) you can't carry on like this - he was shouting "oh my god NO!!! fucking hell!!" and banging the steering wheel. If he's like that because I thought for a few seconds I may have left my phone in a house up the road, imagine what he'll be like when I tell him it's over.

I'm glad you are rising above it all @user1486131602, it will pay off eventually, stand firm. People who behave like your ex and his family always come unstuck.

@DishingOutDone that is classic verbally abusive behaviour, designed to throw you off balance and make you feel like you have done something wrong. You can do it, you can. He will behave badly, no doubt about that, but remember that his reality is completely different to the actual reality so don't waste any time trying to understand or appease him. Anything that may risk him being violent or lashing out, make sure you have someone on standby, either with you, or waiting for you. Or just communicate through solicitors. This is the method I'm using with my H. There is no direct talking to him about anything remotely contentious so I just leave it to my solicitor to do that bit!

Thank you all for being so welcoming. I'm still trying to work out who is who on here, been trying to read through your stories from the start of this thread. At the moment I'm all muddled up with names 😂 so please forgive me.

So I approached OH re all the vagueness about moving out and he announced that he is just not sure he will be able to afford to furnish and equip the new place so not sure he wants to move out, then proceeded to say that he might need financial help from me with all new house purchase expenses! I lost it a bit since just a week earlier he was all set and even had the date. I said please take whatever you want from this house and just make sure you move on the 1st Nov.

Anyway, he seems to have come to his senses now so keeping everything crossed the move will happen.

I'm facing a couple of really tough months financially especially with Xmas just round the corner so am feeling really scared at the moment.

Must dash now but will be back later. Thanks again to all of you 😘

DishingOutDone
My nisi WAS granted. I am divorced!
His explosions are verbal abuse. As I have said before, make a journal with it all in, it will help your divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Tiddleypops
Thank you, but, they always seem to come out on top! They are a family of enablers and lie to themselves and others to protect each other. I’m not expecting them to fall, I hoping that my daughter will come to her senses. But im not sure that will happen - she has told her brother that she’s not coming back anytime soon, and has also asked questions ‘from MIL mouth’.
As a friend of mine said: kindness wins, so I’ll step back and wait.

Day by day. Task by task.

Love and hugs

This is a really difficult time for you @user1486131602. I agree with your friend, kindness wins. Your DD will realise that things are not always black and white. She will realise that her actions could have been handled differently.

@Fullsteamahead, welcome to the group. How are you today?

@DishingOutDone, so sorry to read how he could horribly he reacts in a normal everyday situation. That's just unacceptable.
His behaviour is terrible and uncalled for. No'-one should have to deal with that.

@Tiddleypops and @user1486131602, congratulations on your nisi. That is great news.
@Tiddleypops, progress is being made one step at a time. It must be so tough having your nisi and still living with all the stress of his presence. This too will pass.

Hi, @RoseMartha, how are you? How are DC getting on? This is just to se d you strength... You are such a superwoman.

I drove a van for the first time in my life. I have started moving my things in bits. I feel so proud of myself. This separation has opened me up to many different experiences and made me grow. I am having to trust myself and trust my abilities. I am really liking this me. DC saw new place for the first time. They like it. Phew! I was worried. I am dealing with so much right now. I can only just say hi to everyone. Have a good day.

@Itistimeandiamscared! How lovely to hear from you and thank you for remembering us all, as you always do

How have you resolved the distance/time issues? I didn't see how it worked out? Will job/school etc all fit in?

@user1486131602 your friend is right, kindness does win. Especially if you see that your exH is living in a bonkers reality where he needs to get power over you to feed his own power. With kindness and detaching from the drama, you will not put a foot wrong.

@Itistimeandiamscared I'm so happy to read such a positive update. You are doing so so well Have you managed to get things set up in a more manageable way with your travel times etc. Go you! I'm so pleased for you, and you are an inspiration.

I do think I need to take a leaf out of your book. At the moment my biggest worry is the way H is being with DS. He's like, trying to be dad of the year or something and, while I know I should be grateful, I can't help but feel he is plotting something. DS and I are never home alone so I never get any 'at ease' time without H sticking his beak in. I don't feel I have any space with DS, and because I work, if I have to do things, like get hair cut, go to shop, do chores, etc then H just uses that to strengthen his position and get in some 'fun dad / boring mum' points with DS. I'm feeling very undermined. I think I need to be more assertive and find my inner power!

Tiddleypops
Thank you.
If your gut is telling you something, listen! I put my instincts aside, believing he would do what’s right for his kids.........no, look what happened! I was betrayed, lied to, threatened, my daughter he’s been coerced into believing the fault of the divorce is mine and that I do nothing but lie, also that the physical abuse never happened!

It’s ALWAYS about them. Record his actions and your conversations with your son. Go into ‘operation cover arse’ mode and be prepared for your son to side with him. And it Hurts!
I know how hard it is, but they will twist anything and use ANYONE to get what they want.

Itsmeandimscared

Go girl!

Hi all,

I'm still getting my way through the thread but am now much clearer in my head on who is who.

@user1486131602 it sounds like you've been through hell in the last few months as reading back you always sound so strong and positive. It must be so hard to deal with this horrid situation regarding your daughter. Sending you some positive vibes ❤️❤️❤️

@Itistimeandiamscared thank you for asking about me. Things are up and down at the moment, I'm still hopeful he will move out in 3 weeks time but am nervous he might change his mind. I can't bear his presence much longer.

@Tiddleypops and @user1486131602 Huge congrats on your NISI! Fantastic news 🥳🥳🥳

Full steam ahead:
Thank you for thinking of me.
Yes, excuse the expression, it out of all the things I have endured in my life, the situation with my daughter, is the one that really kicked me in.

I was/am positive, because I had waited a long time to end things. I have always been strong, because of there being no other choice.
But, that in itself meant that I had to stand alone and use myself up ‘fixing’ things. And when I needed fixing, there was no one, not even me there to help.
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from this, I want my life to be different, I want to change. I didn’t think it would be so catastrophic!
But all bad things need to end for new things to begin.....
And that’s where I am today.....baby steps, small wins and ONE task a day towards me.

I can only hope that by posting, my experience can help one of you not to fall into the same trap!

I can’t offer much more than that at the moment, except,
Love and hugs

Hi @Tiddleypops, I know that feeling too well. The not having space and time alone with your DC, the feeling that he may be up to something.
@user1486131602, took the words right out my mind... Go into cover your ass mode.
Document document document. Keep a record of everything and anything. For instance - Document when he wakes up, if he calls for DS or not. If DS is hesitant to go. Document when he drinks, document how you feel when you realise he is drunk, document if he tries to have DS with him while drunk... etc.
The point I am trying to make is document everything you possibly can. They may seem small or petty etc but they are not. Go into battle mode. Full on gladiator style
In the end,, all documentation /info/ evidence may not be necessary. No harm being prepared. xxx

@user1486131602, you are sounding strong. Your post at 21:34hrs last night... I could have written it myself. I totally identified with it. You will get there. I believe that for me and I believe it for you, for all of us.

Hi everyone.

Congratulations on your nisi's. @Tiddleypops @user1486131602 💐💐

Welcome @Fullsteamahead
Come and chat any time. We are here for each other.

@DishingOutDone Sending hugs. 🤗 I dont know why they all seem to fly off the handle like that. It is unnecessary and unreasonable and abusive and we shouldnt have to put up it but we do.

@Tiddleypops Sending 🤗 it is hard as hell living together while sorting financial. I know and as you know I have recently been through it. Sending you strength. One step and one day at a time.

@user1486131602 sending you strength and wisdom for your next steps too. I am pleased to hear your daughter is communicating with you. Hold your head up high. It is tough and unfair when your kids and inlaws dont know or believe what really happened. My almost ex inlaws want to come and tell me what they think of me, no doubt brought on because h has told lies about me to make him look good and take blame off of him. It makes me feel sad they want nothing more to do with me and have painted me as the bad person but I know I just have to let it go because unless h does something to them they are not going to see the light. I know with your daughter this is different and you have to fight to have her know the truth but in a way which will not alienate her further. Which is why I am sending you wisdom to deal with this and strength.

@Itistimeandiamscared wow well done 🤗😀👍🏻 on moving your things in a van. I wont be able to afford removal people myself so will have to hire a van too I think. And maybe see if I can get some friends to help as will not be able to lift furniture myself. How is it going?

Having a hard week again. Kids and raging hormones mostly. I have been verbally and emotionally abused by kids this week. (Learnt behaviour from copying how h treats me I guess). They have said some vile things to me. Mainly belittling. Have spat in my face. To which I have put in consequences mainly taking away their technology which has then made them have horrendous meltdowns. But afterwards have been a bit better until the next day.

When they are not like that they are demanding my constant attention. And totally selfish, self centred, entitled, rude, aggressive, refusing to eat things they normally do and demanding things like kfc every night which i have not given into. Also having to get up in the night for them.

H has been mixed but i am still not engaging when he starts ranting on phone.

Feel totally exhausted.

@Itistimeandiamscared and @user1486131602 thank you. You are very inspirational women you know, you really are becoming stronger and harnessing your inner power. It's brilliant 🤗
And you are right.
He stopped drinking a few days this week. I think he was talked into doing 'sober for October' by his mate... Lasted until 4th. He came home stinking of booze. The bin is full of empties.
This morning we had an agreement that he'd be up by the time I needed to leave (I'm working over time). He wasn't. Me and DS had to go and get him up, and I ended up late.

I'll write it all down in my diary now.

We also came to blows slightly yesterday because apparently I'm denying him the opportunity to do the football dad thing. This is because I said I could do with taking him next week because we have a family event straight after.... The last 3 weeks HE has declined to do football because its been too much hassle. So it's his own fault. Screenshotted the messages, thanks for the advice. And although I was sick with fear yesterday when he was being confrontational about it all, today I'm adamant I'm going to use it to strengthen my resolve and not give him the opportunity to do that to me. He doesn't get to boss me around 💪

Anyways, wishing everyone a peaceful weekend 🙏 @Fullsteamahead how are things with you? I hope your H goes in 3 weeks. You can get through that. Everything crossed here x

Itistime how are you getting on. I hope can relax a little this weekend, you'd been working so hard and still been on here cheering us all on. You are amazing. I hope your H doesn't mess you around with the DC x

user are you still messaging with your daughter. She will see through the lies eventually, keep going as you are. You absolutely are coming back stronger x

@RoseMartha I'm so sorry the kids are being so difficult. You are right, I'm sure, that they have learnt this from your exH. Look at it this way, it proves you did the right thing. You have time to make sure they can see that this is absolutely not acceptable behaviour. They will come round, you sound as though you are being firm and consistent and that will win through in the end. They might not 'get it' the first time you remove their tech or whatever, or the second time, but by the third time they will. And I'm sure that the more they see you happy and free and becoming yourself again, they will respond. Keep going my lovely x

Tiddleypops
Yes, still just polite messages,and a little info about college and where she’s staying.....baby steps.
Itsmeandimscared
Thankyou.
I believe we will! One day at a time, thanks
RoseMartha:
I empathise, totally.
I understand the in-laws feelings! But I have a divorce granted on his behaviour, so what they think is no longer of any importance to me, I have proved what I’m saying in law! I am disappointed that they are poisoning my daughter. I will not engage with them, ever.
But, I will wait for my daughter to see the light, for as long as it takes.
Baby steps, small wins.

I wish you all peace this weekend

Love and hugs

Hi all, thank you for your well wishes.

I'm desperate to tell you all more about my situation but seem to have a weird mind block, I'm confused and it's like my mind is in some kind of weird fog.

The more I read this thread though the more my eyes open to the fact that I've lived with emotional abuse for many many years not even realising that's what's been happening to me.

My OH has shown no emotional attachment towards me in years, if I need a hug I have to go to him and ask for it. We've not shared a tender kiss in years either. I do feel like a house mate who simply shares the property with him but on top of that looks after kids, bills, banking, etc, etc and also manages to run business and earn a living.

I've grown to resent him and I now don't even want that hug or a kiss. And his idea of emotional attachment ends with "let's have sex". I've declined for several years now and tried to explain to him that we've lost our connection somewhere along the way, and without care I simply cannot face sex.

I also hate the fact that he is the biggest coward and yet towards me he is the biggest bully. He has always struggled with other people, he doesn't have any friends and barely communicates with his own relatives, he struggles to deal with day to day things like picking up the phone and calling energy company to deal with an issue for example. Initially, I thought, he was just shy but I now think it's just weird. On many occasions i have been in difficult and tricky situations related to work and asked for his help and support in the hope that he would show his manly side and just for a day be my "knight in the shining armour". My hopes never materialised!
Bearing in mind all of the above, if we have an argument about something he can quickly become very aggressive towards me, lose his temper and then tell me that he is not discussing the issue any further and simply shut down. I believe it's called stonewalling. I've been living with it for years and it's extremely frustrating. Time after time I've found myself standing there waiting for him to show me some attention and discuss the problem like an adult and he just sits on the iPad and tells me to leave the room, he is not having a discussion. If I start getting agitated he then starts whistling and turns the volume of YouTube on further up. So the problems never get resolved, things get bottled and then problems continue snowballing year after year.
I've learned to just leave him be.
Anyway, for years I've been telling myself I should leave and then chickening out. One time I did leave and stayed with the relative for a couple of days, then came back as was scared I wouldn't survive financially on my own.
This time I'm determined, we only have one life and this isn't what I've signed up for. Somehow, me and the kids will survive.
It fantastic to have this thread and all of you for support, thank you so so much, I really appreciate it!

@Fullsteamahead well done for getting that written down, I know what you mean about the fog. Your H is almost exactly like mine; it must be a personality type? Even down to not being able to make a phone call and no friends, doesn't speak to family - I rang the National Domestic Violence Helpline and they were amazing when the lady was helping me to tell my story she said that she often heard of men like this and those things were red flags. My H is also a fantasist which makes him possibly dangerous as he creates "alternative" realities in his head in which he is always the hero, always in the right.

But Ive stayed forever 30 years - by the sounds of it your DCs are younger so I do admire you managing to organise him leaving.

Hi all, just checking in.

It's been an up and down week. Checking finances last week I was convinced I couldn't afford to rent and so would have to live with H while divorce is in process. I've since found out a bit more about benefits and may be able to afford it. I suppose I feel it wouldn't be good for the kids to have to move out of their home and then probably move again once I'm in a position to buy. I'm just not sure I have the strength to divorce while sharing the space. The problem is when H plays on my anxiety and guilt I totally fall for it still! It's really hampering my progress.

@user1486131602, your story has prompted me to refer myself for counseling so thank you. I've been on the edge for a while and know I need to look after my own MH. Congratulations on reaching such a milestone!

@Itistimeandiamscared- I am so glad to hear your update. You sound so much better. "I am really liking this new me" - I love this! 💪💪💪

@Tiddleypops- congratulations on getting the nisi! That must be such a relief! Sorry to hear you're having to live with Disney dad, it's horrible! I have been quite grumpy with the kids this week and am angry with myself for it and then in walks superhero dad and it makes me feel very insecure about leaving. I'm realising it's just another form of manipulation. I guess it's important to remember that in the long term our children will appreciate who's really been there when they needed someone! Can you book something special with ds?

@Fullsteamahead, fingers crossed for you in 3 weeks, you sound like you've come a long way already! "I can't bear his presence much longer"- I feel your pain! I think this is my key motivator at the moment and is what is pushing me into action despite all the anxiety.

@RoseMartha- how are you?

I hope everyone is doing ok this weekend. 💐

Agh, sorry, every time I wrote a post I realise my thread has not refreshed and I'm several posts out of date!!

@RoseMartha, sorry to hear it's tough with the DC's at the moment. I'm struggling with behaviour too- I'm finding it hard to be positive with mine and then feel guilty which doesn't help. I'm just trying to start each day afresh and not take it personally. I like to think they are at their best and worst with me because they know I'll always be there..