Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@Itistimeandiamscared - that's so lovely, what wise words.

People on this thread seem to be the best of MN; going through so much themselves but take all this time to help others

@DishingOutDone

What a lovely thing to say 🤗 I think it is because we live it, we know and understand how you are feeling and the struggles we all share. 🤗

@Tiddleypops
So sorry to hear h tried to spoil your birthday but well done to you and your family by rising above it. 🤗🤗

Happy belated Birthday 🎂

@Itistimeandiamscared sending 🤗 it is so difficult to just sometimes get through a day isnt it? But you keep going and you are doing a great job. 🤗 have you started the move process? Where we are, we got as first time buyers, so never moved on, so I'm feeling a bit 😬😬😬

More problems with h, kids felt uncomfortable with him and he was texting abuse to me. He seems to be getting worse in wanting to know what we are doing. Always checks up on what I am doing when he has dc. I mainly go to parents, run errands or clean. Hardly exciting!

What is it to him what you are doing when he has DC? He's probably cooked up some nonsense that this is all about another man, because it can't possibly just be that he's a shit husband My H asks sort of sideways questions to find out what I'm doing - like he doesn't dare interrogate me outright so he'll ask 'friendly' questions that he could make out were innocent if I didn't reply or pulled him up on it. Could you turn your phone off when you are running errands? Maybe tell him that you'll reply to anything important at set times? You'll get there. Detach detach detach x

@Tiddleypops Goodness knows.
Probably the control thing over me.
I was direct this morning about contact this week and suggested a couple of options. To which he is going to let me know 🙄🙄🙄 .

This will actually mean if I do not chase it up that he will blame me for not communicating with him and get aggressive and abusive. When in fact the ball is in his court and he should be telling me his decision. 😕🙄 and then he will accuse me of not letting him see the dc when that is not the situation at all.

i had hoped this abusive man child would be less so when he had moved out. And to an extent it is better because I am not constantly walking on egg shells, dreading him walking in the door or me dreading walking in the door if I knew he was in, or trying to second guess how he will respond to a normal comment or dreading the next outburst and hoping the kids behaved otherwise he would kick off. And it is better for kids without him living with us.

But the abusive still continues from afar. Its been nearly two weeks since I was given phone numbers for support and I haven't had a chance to call them as need to be in house on my own. As my days are filled with work or appointments for kids or appointments for parents or or appointments for me (I had three appointments today!) or having to run errands.

On a side note. I havent bought any more food shopping for him he never paid me for the last lot.

What an absolute arse @RoseMartha
It's hard not to feel contempt for these men, when they treat us with such contempt.
I suppose we can look at the food shopping thing as a blessing - at least you have a reason to not have to do that again, because he still hasn't given you the money for the last time.

I hope you get time to make those calls, I know what you mean about lack of time, I'm the same. You can't do it all at once, just one step at a time is all you can do. Fingers crossed you get a moment to call, but don't beat yourself up about it if another day slips by and you haven't.

@RoseMartha, I am also that he wants to know what you are up when DC are not with you? His control issues must be pretty bad.. Also wondering, does he want to come back?
So sorry, he is doing that. You don't need any more stress. Please, don't fall in to replying or explaining to him.
Hopefully you can do as @Tiddleypops suggested detach detach detach. Don't give in to him. He will only want to know /demand more. He will feel entitled.
I hope he gets back to you in good time about DC contact.
Hope your appointments went well.
Hope things are starting to fall in to place for your parents.

@Tiddleypops, how are you? How are you getting on? I hope the situation is a bit easier

@DishingOutDone. That's a very nice thing to say. How are you?

@Tiedupwithstrings, how are you?

I have eventually got a place to move to.
H does not want DC to move with me. So there is that to deal with.

There is so much to do at new place - schools, sort out gas, elec, Internet, clean, fix stuff like curtain poles etc the list goes on.
I still have to pack up current place, speak with council, organise EOT clean & inventory, say bye to people, get a car (H wants car back), sort out garden (take out all my flowers & return it to the just grass lawn it was), get rid of stuff, dismantle furniture, the list goes on etc.

It is a lot and I seem frozen into immobility. I can't seem to pick a moving date because lots of things need to fall into place.
And there is so much running around to do to get things to fall into place.

It is just a lot.

But I am moving.

It is turning out to be very emotional. I broke down and cried while speaking with H about things regarding the move.

Also, I worry I will make wrong decisions. I worry I am making wrong decisions. I am having doubts, second guessing myself. The new place is not in a 'naice' looking area though it is safe... but I feel so sad like I am letting DC down by not giving them something as good as our current house /area or something better.

Little things like needing to sort out gas and elec has me crying because of so many little things to organise that didn't occur to me at all. I feel lost and alone. I feel vulnerable.
And today feelings of worthlessness and rejection flooded me.
I have cried a lot.
I don't know why or what's happening to me.

@Itistimeandiamscared oh Mrs, you sound like you are drowning under it all. I wish I could come and give you a hug and help out with a few of those things.

So first things first. Big breath, cup of tea, a biscuit.
Do you have a list? If not, get it all written down.
Then, pick the things for today, just those things and write them on a separate short list. Forget about the rest for now, everything else can wait. You can only do today what you can do today. I sometimes write a 'to done' list, to remind myself of the things I have done and what I've accomplished.

Any decisions you need to make, make them. With the information you have now, those are the best and right decisions. You can't know the future. Sometimes another decision will need to be made later when you know more - but that is for another day.

You are NOT letting your DC down. You are providing them with love and support and safety. Things absolutely will settle. You won't have your H constantly there making things difficult all the time. They will thrive, I know it.

Is there anyone who can help? Friends who care about you, I'm sure would be happy to help. Maybe someone can come car shopping with you? Just think, you will have your very own car and one less thing your beholden to your exH for. You are cutting ties, therefore cutting down on his possible inroads for controlling you. It was such a huge relief to me when my lease car (leased through H's company) went back and I bought my car. I no longer feel concerned about whether it's clean, whether I've scuffed a wheel etc. He used you turn his nose up because I didn't clean the car regularly (like I have the time in between doing EVERYTHING at home, working full time and looking after all DSs needs on my own) and liked to check it for scuffs. He still does it, but I no longer need quiver in fear because guess what, it's MY car and that is fuck all to do with him - if I want a scratch on it I'll have a scratch on it 😂 (obviously I would prefer not to, but who knew a dirty car, slightly scuffed car would be so liberating).

You have got this. One day at a time is all you can do x

As for things here, another fortnight and still no response to the last letter my sol sent to his. It's now over 2 months. I realise that this is control. I wasn't allowed to end the relationship. He couldn't actually stop me in the end because I started the divorce, but of course he can make it go on forever.

I'm worried about his reckless spending on credit cards. He's paying nothing towards bills or anything that DS needs. Not a penny. Thankfully I'm just about making end meet without getting into debt myself (yet).

I felt like my own recovery from his alcoholism was going well (I'm in Al-anon, support for family and friends of alcoholics), but that I'm now going backwards because it's all dragging on so long. I'm doubting myself again. I'm feeling resentful and angry all the time. It's affecting other things, feeling so run down. Trying to get back on track with that.

H has been told his employer will give him a job, but as yet there seems to be no movement. I'm never in the house without him there, ever. It's stifling because there are no moments just to be at ease. Things are not generally hostile but there are hundreds are little obstacles every day, e.g. him sitting with DS staring at his phone when it's time to get teeth cleaned or dragging himself out of bed just as we're about to leave the house and distracting DS, so I feel like I have to be the fun police every 10 seconds.

I can only keep going forwards one day at a time, but it feels like wading through treacle.

Thank you @Tiddleypops, yes, I feel like I am drowning.
I have written a to-do list. It looks insurmountable but you have given me a good idea. I will pick some things from the list for today.

Moving home is ridiculously capital intensive.
Also, I have absolutely no money for a car. Credit card is already groaning.
But I will find a way.

I can not sleep and I am physically drained. I have a 2 hour drive to work this morning. My mind is in turmoil. I am going to have to ask for some time off from work. I really need to.

This whole marriage break-up, apart from all the legal/solicitor stuff, effect on DC & sorting out things around them, the hit on finances, the effect on friendships, possible effect on housing etc and the emotional & mental load, the effect on my work/job/career has not been great.

I am very lucky that for some reason I am valued at work and for some reason I have received a lot of support but I have not been able to be 100% present, consistent and a great team member as I have been.. as I would like to be.

But I really need some time off. I feel like I have a pressure cooker in me... It is a frightening feeling. I need space and time.
There is so much going on.. I can not continue like this with the long commute the 13..14 & occasionally 16 hour shifts.

I am feeling very emotional time. And tired.

Definitely ask for some time off. Hopefully you can get some things done while DC are at school then. It always feels a little better when you get a few things ticked off that list. And your new place is closer to work isn't it? Hopefully that will relieve the load. It will reduce commuting costs etc too. You are obviously valued because you are managing all this and still putting in a good day's work.

Struggling today. There is no peace ever, no down time. He's being very oddly behaved and I'm on high alert the whole time. I can't cope with him being in the house any more. Feeling sorry for myself.

How is everyone. I hope you can all have some peace and downtime this weekend

Hi, @Tiddleypops, so sorry to hear that. I composed a message earlier but couldn't finish when I got called away and it's been lost now.
Sendi g you hugs and strength.
Are you safe? How is DS? Is he okay?

I will send you another message later today. Just to say hi and see if it helps with moral support. Some days are just tough...
Do you need hand holding? Remember you are an adult lady, competent, loving, wise and valued by lots of people. Keep telling yourself this. This time too will pass.
I have no idea how he can be convinced to move out but I will keep my fingers crossed for you and hoping for the best for you & DS.

Tiddleypops and itsmeandimscared
Apologies for the absence and lack of support.
I have had a complete mental breakdown, my daughter leaving and being betrayed by boyfs mother ( she showed all messages to my daughter and twisted everything I had said directly back to ExH!) things got really nasty! So, I woke up one morning, completely paranoid and nuts!
Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s a warning for you both.
This process and their needs will completely use you up. Get help and rest whenever and wherever you can. And DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK!

You are both amazing, strong, intelligent, compassionate women.
Don’t let them take that from you.

Now for some good news:
I have been able to see what I have done that led to me breaking ( not including all the other stuff as well), an epiphany of sorts. So, it was worth it. I have also been able to make my way back to the real me somewhat.
And, my nisi has arrived, I’m divorced.

My ex is coming over to take son out, daughter still not home, living at exH mothers along with dad?! I’m going out to do food shopping to avoid any chaos today.

I wish you both some peace, find it wherever you can, make you your priority.
I’m sending you both love 💗 and hugs 🤗

DishingOutDone:
I’m also nearing 60. 56 at xmas!
Age doesn’t matter, you deserve to be happy 😊
And, for what other people think.
Who is there helping you? Who is walking in your shoes? Who has lived their life like you? NOONE!
So, let them think what they like. I could honestly care less. Time to live for yourself and be happy.
Sending love and hugs 🤗

@user1486131602, I am really sorry to hear about that. I am so glad to hear you are back to yourself. I am so sorry to hear you went through that.

Things will eventually sort out between your daughter and yourself. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that when it happens it would be a stronger deeper lasting relationship between you two.

You have always been so supportive. I am so sorry I wasn't any support to you at the time. Glad you are back to your strong, fast and smart, thinking-outside-the-box self.

Did BF's mother betray both you and DD? Is that why DD is now living with Dad and paternal grandmother?

Sending you hugsss

Hi ladies @user1486131602 and @Itistimeandiamscared and @Tiddleypops 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Sorry things are so difficult and bad, you are all doing a great job even if it doesnt feel like it. One day, one task at a time is all we can do.

Its-me good luck with the move, thinking of you. X

Tiddley: sounds horrendous I just hope things move forward soon. You are so strong and brave. 🤗🤗

User. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Thinking of you.

Sorry been a bit absent this week. Things caught up with me and I caught a cold and felt crap and had intensive week with things and just generally exhausted by the time I would normally check in here.

Contact this week is agreed to the day but not time so still in the air as waiting for him to contact me. He was emotionally abusive last night in a text which I chose to ignore and just address the issue of contact to which as I said above am still waiting on confirmation of time. But I am still feeling the normal feelings if I should have done something more or perhaps it is me or maybe I should have said something else or it just must be my fault he talks to me like this etc.
I hate that he will be reasonable one minute then totally opposite the next.

Everyone 💐🤗💐🤗

@RoseMartha, you sound snowed under, and then having to deal with someone getting you down all the time. I hope you get time to access that support soon.

@Itistimeandiamscared, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It does sound overwhelming. How are you at the moment? Hopefully when you gradually can tick off one or two things you'll start to feel better. You've come so far!

I'm feeling really down this week too. Whoever used the phrase wading through treacle, that's exactly right. I've had to pause from separation plans to select schools for my son as he has an EHCP and that is a huge decision, as he really could sink or swim at the next place. I just can't manage anything else right now. I'm just trying to remember that I won't feel like this forever and I will find my strength again to do what I need to.

I think one of the things holding me back is that my son can be quite violent at times and I worry how I'll cope. That said H isn't really around at those times anyway so I'm kind of on my own with it already.

@Tiddleypops, thanks, 🙏 your suggestion to take a few things from the big list and just do one or two things at a time- that's been a great help. I looked at the CMS calculator again and that gave me a bit of hope. I know I might not end up with that amount but it's a start.

@user1486131602 - how are you? I hope you're still on the mend and have enough time to yourself to recover fully.

Just to echo what @DishingOutDone said, everyone on here is amazing!

Hi, @Tiddleypops, how has the day been? I hope you had some easy moments. Just checking in on you as I said I would. Did you go out today? What was the weather like where you are?
Sometimes when we are struggling it can feel pretty 'alone-ly'. Just want you to know you have some moral support here. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Oh sorry, just realised I got muddled with these posts as I ended up several pages back, not sure what I did! Anyway sorry if some of my questions sound weird, just got confused on timings!

@Tiddleypops, just read your last post. I really hope you get an end to this soon. Is there anything you can book in to take you away from it all for a little while even if it's just a few hours? 💐

@Tiedupwithstrings, so nice to hear from you. I know how it is with choosing schools and all. It is really a big thing isn't it?
It is totally understandable, they spend a huge part of their time /childhood life at school. I am wishing you all the best.

My DC suffered horribly at current school for 2 years. Then, we (STBXH & I) really thought of changing schools.
Now, I am looking for schools in our new area and I am really concerned about DC being happy in whichever new school they will go to. It matters a great deal to me and I have not been able to focus on anything else.

Don't put pressure on yourself. If you don't have the energy and brain space to continue with your plans, just take time off from it. Look after you. Sending you strength. Hope the school thing works out excellently for DS.

@RoseMartha, so good to hear from you. It is not your fault he talks to you that way. Good for you for not engaging with him. Keep to the topic at hand, don't let him distract you from the discussion.
Just wondering, are there any plans to get child contact arrangements on a more formal footing? Do you want to do that? Just asking... Because H keeps you in suspense and dangling about arrangements, it must be difficult for you to plan.
I went through that phase with STBXH (it lasted 9 months), until I played fast and loose with his contact time that he 'sort of' had arranged (.. only happened twice & it wasn't deliberate) he kicked off big time and declared his contact time. And that was when things started to get a bit more organised.. it is still not properly organised but a whole lot better now. I can sort of make plans.

Just like yours, mine (STBXH) is so responsible one minute and then totally opposite the next. The totally opposite bit also lasts for far too long and the responsible bit is only around for very short periods. It is so frustrating that they are unreliable.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I'm just catching up now. I think I have had that rock bottom feeling brewing all week and it just hit me yesterday morning. I've been to my Al-anon meeting tonight and caught up here and feeling a little bit better.
And that's sometimes all we can do isn't it? There is nothing else I can do today now. Tomorrow is another day and we don't know exactly what it will bring, so for now I won't worry about it.

@Itistimeandiamscared thank you especially for checking in. Even though you are having such a tough time you still have time to give such wise, encouraging words of support

@user1486131602 so sorry to hear how things have been recently, you were having such a hard time I know, I'm not surprised the strain started to get to you. I'm glad to hear that you have some clarity on what led to things reaching a head. We learn a lot through the hard times don't we? I hope you had a peaceful day. How do you feel about the nisi? Or is it a mixture of things? I think I will feel sad and relieved all at once.

@RoseMartha, I was really heartened to read the bit where you said you didn't engage with the abusive behaviour. I can see a change in your posts, you are getting stronger it cheers me to see. Obviously not good that he is messing you around but not at all surprising. Easy does it, you are starting to deal with the behaviour better each time. It will take practice, I'm sure!

@Tiedupwithstrings one thing at a time is exactly right, it's all you can do. And yes you will find your strength and focus when you need to

Let's hope for a peaceful Sunday all round 🤞 I have some plans away from the house for a few hours so hopefully that will ease the day a little.

@Tiddleypops, hello. You sound good. I imagine everything must be tiring. Hope you get a good night's rest.

Wishing all of us a better tomorrow.

Did I hear someone say they'd got a Nisi? ....!! Well done for getting this far @user1486131602, but I know any relief from that will be eclipsed by your DD still away from home. All you can do is keep the door open for her.

wishing you all some peace of mind this week

Hi all.

Wonder if I could join you please.

I'm in the initial stages of separation and with a bit of luck he will move out on 1st of November. I feel numb most of the days, don't cry much except for when we have rows (which are all currently about finances and practical matters).
A little background: Married 19 yrs, two kids age 15 and 9. Massive age gap of 20 yrs, I was very young when I got married, within a year I knew things just weren't right between us but I was young and alone in a foreign country, so I carried on.
Many many things happened since. Over the years we've grown further and further apart. Ultimately he has lost all ability to show emotion towards me and I've grown to resent him for this. He has been happily drifting in this loveless marriage because I catered for him, cared for the kids, did all the admin, etc, etc. We've not had sex in years (my choice), I find him deeply unattractive and it's not because he is, it's because I don't like him as a person any more.

Since I've made the decision at the start of August we've been in the same house but different bedrooms. At first there were major tantrums on his behalf, he then suddenly became very amicable and even found a house to rent nearby. However, he is still to sign the lease and for the last couple of days he has been acting weird, saying he is not sure if he will manage to move out as the house will need to be furnished and he can't afford to do it (btw he can)

I'm so frustrated with this sudden turn of events, we had a major row regarding this tonight and I feel utterly drained.

Anyway, I won't write any more for now as I don't want to bore you all. I'll go and have a read through your posts instead 😊