Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Hugs to everyone else on here too and hoping you all have a good weekend x

Monalisa21
No you are not being unreasonable.
I’m so sorry that you also have had to suffer like this.
Welcome to the group.
I think you should go back to your solicitor. You can divorce yourself by filling in form d11 on the govt website for £2. There are 2 stipulations: not lived as a couple for more than 2 yrs and that you can prove his abuse and the fact he’s has had divorce papers ent to him but hasn’t signed. A text is good enough.
I’m struggling really badly at the mo, so don’t have anything else to offer but the lovely ladies 8n this group will help whenever you need it.

@monalisa21 sounds horrific. Please get some legal advice. I totally empathise on sleeping on the floor. I slept on the floor for almost 18 months. It is not fun. I never thought I would sleep in a bed again. But h moved out just over two months ago and I got the bed back and even though it is saggy and lumpy it's a bed and more comfy than the floor. 🤗🤗🤗

@user1486131602 Sending 🤗🤗🤗

@ItsInTheSpoon And @clpsmum
Hi how are you this week?

@Tiddleypops how are you?

@DishingOutDone how are you?

So so here but I feel exhausted this week, dc have had sleep issues which means I dont get sleep either.

@RoseMartha thank you for asking. Been another horrible weekend tbh. How're things with you?

@user1486131602 any progress with your daughter?

@monalisa21 welcome to the thread 🤗 Sorry to hear about what you are going through, you sound as though you are so strong in dealing with it all day by day and getting through. He sounds impossible to deal with. What a selfish, utterly entitled man he sounds. I have one of those too! Not working, expecting me to pay for everything. The difference in my case is that he would not dare try to have sex with me. Vile.
I agree with the above, communicate with him via solicitor about your financial proposals and get the divorce going. He is never going to agree to anything, or give permission to separate, so just get on with it. You have plentiful grounds. Your children will thrive without him in the home.

@user1486131602 I think you are doing so well. Despite how hard this is with your DD you are being consistent with her, making sure she knows you love her, making sure she knows she can come back at any time. What more can you do? Your H is clearly exploiting the situation, what a total arsehole, but that will backfire eventually. Perhaps you could call his bluff and hers. Pretend like you support her decision to stay with her boyfriend, that gives him no opportunity then to make out like he is the one on her side and turn her against you. I'm not sure, it's just a thought. Sending hugs 🤗

@RoseMartha how are things going? Is there progress? Is he paying child maintenance?

No progress here, but I'm also struggling to deal with H's massive sense of entitlement. I'm so so angry about money. He gave me nothing for DS birthday, despite saying he would. He has not paid a penny towards bills since June and that was a ridiculously small amount. I need to ask him for more, but he's so impossible to deal with.

He is stalling massively on financial side. This is because it's all he can do. It's taking months for his solicitor to give a response to a simple letter.

And he expects his fucking tea on the table every night! What a disgusting human. Yuck.

Thank you for asking ladies.
No she’s ‘ not comfortable ‘ coming home while her dads on holiday?! So she’s staying there another two weeks.
That’s was decided by them.

To not want to call or txt me or come home is her choice.
My choice is to not put up with that.
Legally, I have to tell TC she doesn’t live her anymore, losing that benefit, child benefit plus any benefit for my son as he’s turned 18 plus her dad paying someone else instead of me for her means I cannot pay any bills.
I am having Her phone is being cut off and her iCloud and Apple.

If I am receiving nothing for her because she is choosing not, there’s not much else I can do I’m beyond heartbroken.
But that means me and her brother can’t afford to stay here.
There is no point in fighting to stay, shes the youngest and she’s not here. Game over.
She has asked for my benefit info to enable her free train pass, college fees and education grant to be paid.
I have said no. If she’s not here, they will have to manage that another way.
I have tried over and over, I cannot get up everyday to be kicked by one of them and then they come to me to lick THEIR wounds. No.
My MH has suffered so much, dr has put me on meds to sleep, diazepam to help deal with my massive anxiety I am antidepressants and going to medical therapy. And she’s stressed!

I’m sorry to be loosing my daughter. But she has shut me out, lied and manipulated everyone. I love her with all I am but I can’t cope with anything else.

I sorry that I haven’t been posting, and this is a rant, but I just said I can’t cope right now.
Wishing you all well

Update:
She has moved out completely.
Didn’t talk to me, her dad just shouted at me.
The whole reason she gave me was she just can’t solve, she gets so anxious when she has to call me she gets the shits!
So her dad waded in, packed up her clothes and they are gone.
She didn’t even say goodbye.

@user1486131602 that’s so sad to hear. I suppose we can only hope that with time she will think things over more calmly and see what is really what. I send you a big hug x

@RoseMartha thank you for asking. How are things with you? It’s got harder again here since school has restarted - as you know, exh still lives here but over the summer holidays I seemed to see less of him, which was great. But now he is around a lot more again and he’s reverted to trying to talk to me a lot which (as he knows) messes with my head. He is required by the consent order to leave in a month and a half from now, but every day seems so long. I should be used to the waiting by now!

@user1486131602 sending 🤗🤗

@Tiddleypops 🤗🤗🤗 sounds horrible. I know how stressful it is in that situation. Can you just cook tea for you and dc? I never did unless he was out as it caused more friction. But sometimes I wish I hadnt cooked him tea.

@ItsInTheSpoon I hope for all your sakes he actually goes. It will be such a relief when he does. 🤗🤗

My life has been mixed and hectic. H has started to pay maintenance. I am hoping it will continue. Feel like I am walking on egg shells when I see him.

Signed some papers this week which have gone back to h's solicitor and now waiting for the green light from them so my solicitor can send it to the court.

Now got to get house sorted for sale. Goodness knows where we will end up living. Mammoth task when trying to juggle kids, work, parents, general household chores and errands, meetings on kids behalf, meetings on parents behalf etc. No time to unwind and have me time at all. Feel very depressed tonight. Kids been pushing boundary and breaking it so lots of ructions there I have had to sort on top.

Evening all and hello to our new friends. Sorry you have to be here but you are very welcome.

I've been confused struggling to find a way forward hence not posting but then I went and posted this:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3693231-How-do-you-fund-a-divorce

And then thought why am I asking this. Everything is very muddled. I assume it's stress. The other thing I wanted to bring up is that I am worried H is developing dementia, his behaviour is so erratic. Youngest DD16 who was worried about him being all alone etc. if we split - is now saying she'd like him to go ASAP. Me too.

Hi, everyone.

@monalisa21, welcome.
Your situation sounds so tough but you sound so very strong. It is horrible that you have to go through all that. Hang in there.. it has no choice but to all sort out.

@user1486131602, hello. How are you? You have been through a lot with your daughter. I am so sorry that this is happening.
At 16years, the world is so black and white and there is a feeling of invincibility. Your DD will understand better about life and how the world works.
I know it is not just about the house and finance, it is the shutting you out and practically rubbishing all sacrifices, effort, love & care you have put in to her.
Please, don't give up on moving forward and continuing to build a safe, happy life for yourself and DS. That safe, happy and stable life will prove invaluable when your DD knows better.

@Tiddleypops, so sorry to hear about things. He will be out one day.
Boundaries are hard to maintain when living together after a marriage has ended. Even more so in a situation where the other person doesn't want to acknowledge that the marriage is over because it benefits him immensely that way.
Try not to stress it, if you can. Pick one or two boundaries or even three that matter the most to you and stick with them as best you can. Leave the others. You just need to survive this period. When he is out or you are in a new 'your' home.... boundaries galore. And there will be nothing he can do about it. Sorry about DS birthday.

@RoseMartha, how are things? You are just so amazing holding everything together - the kids, the DH & multitude of issues that come with being separated and trying to divorce DH, work, your parents, lack of 'you' time etc. You are amazing because even with all that, you sound stronger and happier... lighter. I am glad he is paying maintenance. One step at a time.

@DishingOutDone, when we are stressed, everything seems muddled. You have a lot to deal with. I felt my heart break when you mentioned your H might have dementia. Because if he does, he is unlikely to go and get assessed. Also if he has got it, that could change the whole face of your situation.
Let us know how things progress.

@clpsmum, hope you are having a better week and had a better weekend. Sending you ((hugs)).

I have been feeling really down and trying to cope with everything. Things have been tough dealing with STBXH & all the stuff going on. Financially, it has been a nightmare. I have had to give in, I can't continue living in our current place, so have to move somewhere more affordable.
I told this to STBXH. No comment from him.
I kept him updated about the areas I was looking (about 50mins - 1hr) away from our current place & him. No comment from him.
I inform him I have found a place. Comment from him - you can go. DC are not going. I have made arrangements for them to stay with me Mondays to Fridays.

I have to move by next week.

DC live with me. See him weekends and any other time he decides to have them..which is mostly weekends. I am now stuck... do I leave kids behind? How would my youngest two cope? Especially the youngest, she always comes back to mine after a night at H's. He also can't manage her for longer than 2 days. Do I move with kids? If I move with kids, that would not be fair to him. Even though with the move he will still see them the same as he does now. There is no time now to get a court order for child arrangement before I have to move. Would he get a PSO against me to prevent me moving with the kids? My mind is in turmoil.

I have also started a new job in a different county, so commuting 2 hrs to go & 1.5 hours back everyday.
I am tired of everything. I am stressed. So stressed I am forgetting things as soon as they happen.
I am feeling really depressed. I am going to have to discuss with H regarding the move/children contact. I have no idea what to say... How to handle the conversation.
While married we barely were able to discuss and come to a amicable conclusion. It was always his way, so our discussions were me feeling I am the unreasonable one and then I give in. And when I tried my hardest and did not give in, he did what he wanted anyway.

I am so stressed. I am exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I am feeling very low with massive anxiety.

I am sorry to go on and on... I really need lots of help on different fronts. I am so tired.

@Itistimeandiamscared 🤗🤗🤗🤗 sounds awful and so stressful. What do the kids want? Where do they want to live mon to Friday?
I would take them with me. He is still going to see them at the weekends like usual.

Thinking of you.

@DishingOutDone 🤗🤗🤗🤗
It is normal to feel muddled and confused. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Take one step at a time.

Thank you for your support. @Itistimeandiamscared .

Had a bad day with kids being obnoxious and throwing insults at me that h has used. Brought on because of tiredness I think. Had busy weekend which caught up with them. But not nice for me or neighbours who had to listen to a meltdown.

H being unreasonable. I posted a topic called how often in relationships. Not had much feedback on it but the issue is still ongoing. And he is sulking and pressuring me to do things his way

or no way, stonewalling me in between and being as difficult as possible, insisting I sort out some minor issues for him which actually he should do for himself . He owes me money again as I bought some food for him which he promised to pay for and didnt.
Feels like I have an extra child again as I did when he lived with us. 🙄

No time to relax in evenings so far this week and this week is choc a block again with appointments and things I have to do. I have had to put a friend off as no time to meet her or anyone for about a month.

Feeling depressed tonight really. Worse at night as I re think and over think events of the day.

@RoseMartha, sounds really tough.
So sorry about the kids meltdown. Hope they were able to get an early night. Though with mine, an evening meltdown usually results with a later than usual or even a late bedtime.
So nice of you to think of the neighbours, I am sure they understand.
I would love to tell you to stop buying his groceries and not to give in to his stonewalling or attempts at mental blackmail. But I guess you know what you can handle at this time.
But seriously, please don't give in to his manipulations or mental blackmail.
His stonewalling is on purpose. He wants to wear you down. He lived in the same house with you for years, he knows how occupied you are and how stressed you may be.
He needs to know he has messed with the wrong woman.
There is nothing wrong in being reasonable with and respectful to the other person.

I wish I could help with the feeling low. I am there too. I try to keep with work, the kids etc i use them to help make me cope.
I am so sorry. Wish I could be of help.
Sending you strength and happy vibes.

Hi everyone, I've been watching this thread for a while (thank you for sharing your stories, I have found it very encouraging to feel less alone!) and not quite felt able to post as I still haven't got the courage to push the divorce button! Like @DishingOutDone I am feeling very muddled and the legal costs are scaring me.

My situation is my H is a generally functioning alcoholic, but we had some awful months of complete relapse and me doing a lot of single parenting. This time, although very stressful, made me realise how unhappy I've been and how much the drinking was affecting me and the DC's. One of my young DC's is autistic and I suspect that I am too, but I don't have a diagnosis yet. I am not good at sticking up for myself that's for sure!

My H won't consider leaving and I am financially dependent on him at the moment although was working until end of last year. I was having anxiety attacks at work and general stress was too much so I decided to let work go for a while.

I also have this feeling that I don't have a right to leave (feeling a lot of guilt) and am worried about how I'll cope as a single mum.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I think I am posting now because I'm going to get some legal advice and try to leave and am looking for a bit of encouragement!!!

@Tiedupwithstrings 🤗🤗
Welcome, we are a friendly bunch here. Post anytime you need support or to vent.

🤗 it is a good idea to get some proper advice.
Regarding the cost I suggest you double whatever the solicitor tells you it will be. And then add another £1000. This is the situation for me at any rate. As h is difficult as can be.

Take one day at a time and dont worry about things too far into the future. Just get through each day as it comes. Think about you and the kids. See if you are entitled to any benefits if you are not living with your h. Use an online calculator to help you do this. Also you might be in a position for the council to help and it is worth finding out one way or the other.

If the situation is affecting you and your dc, things need to change and you have to take that daunting step and start it. It is hard, very hard, it took me such a long time and now I wish I started it sooner. I lack confidence in myself but I think the whole divorce thing is making me stronger as you have to fight for the best for your dc and for you.

Contact your local Citizens Advice and see if they can give you any helpful information for your area as well as general information.

Dont do anything until you have sought advice. You do have a right to leave, I know it feels like you dont but you do.

Sending you 🤗🤗🤗🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared Ty for your support. 🤗🤗🤗 hope things are ok for you this week.

I know I must stop doing things for him. The controlling me thing just creeps up on me and then suddenly I realise he is doing it again. I think after living with him for so long and being treated badly for so long, it just takes time to completely make it stop. I was really cross with myself for about three days afterwards that I let him abuse me again! I am trying so hard to get me and the kids in a better place and yet I still seem to get sucked back into being abused.

I saw a support person for the DC. And told her a few things that had happened recently. She did not beat about the bush and told me she could see H was emotionally abusing me even though not living with us. She gave me some local phone numbers for me to get support. So that was good, or will be when I get time to call.

Kids being either obnoxious or needy. Either hate me and never want to see me again or panic because I walked out the room and they cant see me and they need to be close to me. This I think is hormonal and also to do with previous anxiety issues.

I told them today casually because I didnt want to make a big fuss about it, that we still have to move. They said. 'Oh!' and that was that.
But I feel at least the news is out there and they can begin to understand change is coming.

Feeling very unsettled and anxious myself to be honest. But trying not to let it show. 🙄

Hi @Tiedupwithstrings, welcome.
If you think leaving the marriage is the best thing for you then do it.

Honestly, it is not an easy process at all even if you are lucky to have a straightforward process. It is very often, a lonely trek.

I would not wish it on anyone. But would I want to go back to my marriage? No.

To be honest, with all the difficulties, stress, anxieties, worries, tears, disappointments, frustration and guilt, I am actually happier now.
And I know this happiness would have greater depth & reach once this nightmare is over.

I had the same thoughts as you, I didn't feel I had a right to leave, I didn't think I could cope financially as a single parent, I felt all sorts of guilt, I totally lacked self-confidence and self conviction about leaving.
But here I am, almost a year down the road. A regular at the food bank, a recipient of financial support from friends, dependent on benefits (I only get one) but we are still living. We are struggling and it is tough but we are here and we are somehow getting by.

I want to encourage you to do what is the best for you. If you are sure it is leaving your marriage, don't let financial worries hold you back.

I understand what you mean by not being able to stand up for yourself. Wishing you the very best.

@RoseMartha and @Itismeandiamscared, thanks very much for your replies. Thanks for the advice on finances and how to find out more about benefits.

You're right, one day at a time will make this more doable.

I'm sorry to hear you're both having to deal with very difficult situations. You do both sound very strong!

@Tiddleypops, I read your other thread recently and I found this very helpful, thank you! I think I had started to normalise the drinking and it crept up on me. But I feel like I've hit my rock bottom now. Been to a couple of Al anon meetings which were helpful, just finding it difficult to get out in the evenings!

Thanks and will hopefully post as I make progress!

@Tiedupwithstrings, post whenever you want to. Everyone here is very supportive.
When you do the online benefits calculator, please bear in mind the actual reality may be different. You may be entitled to more or to less.

The one advice I will give is the very day you kick of leaving,

• you should go straight to your council office and apply for your benefits, also apply for the council tax discount for single adult living in the house.
• apply to child maintenance service
• start keeping a dairy/daily record

Do not delay on any of the above. I delayed because I thought it would make things easier, because I didn't want to antagonise him, because I thought he would provide and not want his DC to go without, because I couldn't face the reality of the situation, because I was so down in my mood. The truth is all of that do not matter. Make the applications. They take a while to come through.

Do not think of all that may come your wayor all that may happen as a single parent. If you were to think of that, you would never leave. Like @RoseMartha said, take it one day at a time. One thing at a time. That way, you could cope and gradually get things done.

Also do your research - ask people, search the Internet, there are some 'hidden benefits' you may be entitled to. Apply for anything you think you may be entitled to. You have nothing to lose. If you are not entitled, you will be informed. If you are, yayyy!

You will come across kind people, helpful people. Stay positive, stay hopeful. Get ready to live a much better life.

Hi, @RoseMartha, we seem to be living similar lives.
DC have been tricky in the last week. And it is taking it out of me. But I am determined to remain patient and calm (it takes a lot of strength).
You are right, you do find yourself growing stronger because of all we are going through. I find that strength showing up in places or situations when I least expect it.

The abuse continues even when aren't in the same house anymore. I don't know why that surprised me. And because I thought, yayy! he's left and that has put a stop to that, I kept being pulled into the abuse cycle without realising it. It takes time but with time and experience, we get better at sporting it earlier and we get more confident to put boundaries in place. It takes time. And more time. Be kind to yourself. Don't be annoyed at yourself. We are all learning new ways to be, New insights to our situation & to the Hs.

We have to move home too and that is a current stress and source of massive anxiety. I hope yours goes smoothly.

@Tiedupwithstrings big hugs 🤗 You are being very very brave. I have a funny feeling that your anxiety etc would be a lot less without an alcoholic in your life. We become afraid of existing almost, well I did anyway. I no longer existed, maybe physically but in no other way, and that really affected my work and everything.
One day at a time though, you have made some steps already, some decisions, and now to gather some information. The way will become clearer xxx

@Itistimeandiamscared it sounds as though you are having a really awful time. And you are handling it all so well, your strength shines through, I'm cheering you from the sidelines.

@RoseMartha it is difficult to change old habits. One day at a time. You are aware you shouldn't be doing things for him, you can take it slowly and maybe just work on doing the next thing a bit more on your terms, and then maybe having the courage to say no to a really small thing. Being aware that it's a problem is the first step to solving the problem. You've got this missus 💪

I'm feeling drained of energy. I decided to not let my H ruin my birthday this week but it was really weird. I invited some family over and we actually sat in the front room (I never ever go in there after DS is in bed normally). H just sat there scrolling on his phone the whole time. He has a bloody thick skin! You'd think he would go elsewhere in the house or even out for an hour. But no, he just sat there. Family were stars though, they just pretended he wasn't there.

I'm wondering how long he can delay divorce now though. His solicitor is ignoring all communication. My only option may be court which is just stupid given we don't have anything other than a small amount of equity in the house

Morning all - I think it must be something in the air because everyone seems to be struggling so much over the past couple of weeks. @Itistimeandiamscared have you got any update this weekend? Are you packing now? You are so brave, an inspiration to us all.

I was thinking this morning, having a wobble, you know I could just stay in this house, in this situation, for another 5 years or something, yeah that would be ok wouldn't it? Just carry on. Not lose my lovely home, knowing at nearly 60 I will never have anything like this again. Eldest Dd went to uni this week and she was so upset at having to leave her bedroom, her little safe haven. She may never be able to come back to it if we sell, it was a like an awful line drawn in the sand - childhood over, end of. No more pretending happy families. But then we were never a happy family. Of course we have had some happy times but they have been overshadowed by me allowing this "relationship" to drag on. So I am particularly in awe of all those who are leaving now when their kids are a bit younger - even though it is costing you dearly (don't mean £s wise although that too)

I was talking the other day on here about H possibly having dementia, and about "getting out" before he was formally diagnosed then I thought hang on, even if I told him tomorrow it was over, by the time the house gets sold he could be exhibiting very clear signs. So I'd be the woman who dumped her DH of 30+ years when he got dementia.

Well, I don't care what people think, but I am just worried that by then DDs will both be adults and family etc will come after them saying YOU need to look after him. Ironic really when you think one of the main reasons I stayed so long is to prevent him having unsupervised access visits with them.

I think you can see I am really down today, probably as DD1 has gone; she did help diffuse things and support me and DD2, in which case I am glad she's got out, I should never have let her be in that position in the first place.

Hope everyone else is holding up a lot better and sorry for the navel gazing.

Hi, @DishingOutDone, please feel free to navel gaze. We are here to support you. This is a safe space.

I understand all your thoughts and that's why my heart broke because if it is dementia that your H has, it could change the whole face of your situation.
Because by the time you get everything sorted regarding separation and or divorce, he will be showing definite signs.
And yes, people will have a lot to say (since they are so caring and loving, they can look after him themselves).
And yes, people will try to guilt your children and your children may turn to you to step in & care for him (don't take it personally, it is purely a survival thing. Children are naturally conditioned to survive).

And because of that it may affect your decisions. That's why my heart broke.

But please don't feel guilty or pressured whatever choice you make..to look after him or not to look after him. Do what suits you. Do whatever you can live with.

You are entitled to a happy life. It doesn't matter what age anyone is, if one has only one week left, then let's live it feeling good and at peace with ourselves. Let's be happy. So whichever choice makes you most happy. Do it.

We are here to support you. We know ordinarily life can be difficult.. even more so when things are not ordinary.

I know it is supposedly not the mumsnetty thing to do but sending you lots and lots of hugs. Please remember 60 is the new 40.
Any at 60, has over 20 more years plus to have a chance at laughing, smiling, dancing, sleeping in their own bed peacefully, eating whatever they want and being loved and appreciated.

Life is short. Let's not waste whatever time we have left.

And you at not even 60 yet!

😘

@itistimeandiamscared, thanks for taking the time to give that helpful info and words of encouragement. I'm so glad I posted here, like everything else at the moment, once I've made a positive step I wonder why I didn't do it before! I'm encouraged that you feel stronger now even after all you're going through. I will try and remember that.

@Tiddleypops- thanks and yes you're right, being in my own space will definitely help ease the anxiety. There's a lot of guilt tripping going on here at the moment! One step at a time... Well done on keeping going, it must feel like you've been in this situation forever! I really hope you don't have to go to court but if it's the only way to move things forward I guess it will be worth it in the long run...

@DishingOutDone- that's so tough. You sound like you need a break from it all, I hope it gets easier and you see a way forward.