Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@user1486131602 what is going on this week is it like some collective wankbadger madness? My H is having a meltdown at the rate of one every 2-3 hours. August Bank holiday is always difficult as its near my birthday and he hates that, he walked out on my birthday 3 years ago. Best Birthday Present Ever. Then he came back, and I let him.

But never mind all that, how on earth did this happen with your DD? Could you see it coming? Has he manipulated her?

I really don’t know.
She has just shut me out......STBXH won’t talk to me at all, unless he wants something.

@user1486131602 so sorry to hear this. Have you another family member who can talk to her.

@DishingOutDone sending a 🤗🤗

@user1486131602 oh no how awful for you. Don't really know what to say but wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I hope your DD sees sense and comes back. Sending hugs your way

I'm not sure what to say Big hugs all round 🤗 We are all having such a tough time, yet also managing to get through it somehow in tact. We are still breathing, we are still standing. Keep going ladies.

Nothing much to report here. I had a week away with DS which was pure heaven. We had the best time. Back to earth with a bump of course. I can't go on like this. I can't stick being in the house together until we are divorced, it's just taking too long now

Please can I join you? Having a really bad day, would be great to be on a similar wavelength to others in same boat... divorced but still in same house, exh continues to be controlling, relationships with extended family collapsing all over the place... anyway I’m sorry there are so many others having a bad time x

@ItsInTheSpoon welcome to the gang! I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time we are all here to listen 🤗🤗

All time low here today. Think we are at rock bottom and things gonna get ugly

@clpsmum - surely not even worse?

@DishingOutDone I actually started a thread in AIBU too as I feel I have been unreasonable.

He basically came over unannounced today. We ended up arguing and him begging me to get back together. When I said no in no uncertain terms he got nasty then started crying in front of DC. I said I think it's best he leaves and DC don't see him like this. He basically said no he is staying and moving back in for at least the night and refused to leave so I called the police 😱

@clpsmum oh not good. I hope it was sorted when they arrived 🤗

@ItsInTheSpoon Welcome 🤗

@Tiddleypops Glad you both had good time away, its so hard going back to it after being away for a week, 🤗

@user1486131602 how are things.

@clpsmum thank you. I’m sorry to hear that news, you did the right thing not backing down in the face of his emotional blackmail. It’s disgusting of him to behave like that in front of the DCs.

@RoseMartha thanks, got a horrible cold so feeling sorry for myself more than usual, hopefully back to normal soon!

@ItsInTheSpoon hope you feel better soon. 🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared hope things are ok with you . Worried we havent seen you with us here for a while 🤗

This seems like a really friendly place... thanks for being so welcoming x

I was on the first thread for a little while under a different name but exh was making everything really difficult including stalking me on here so I came off. Things are a bit different now (just as horrible, but different 😂) so would like to come back x

Hi, everyone.

Hi @RoseMartha. Thank-you.
It has just been a very taxing time. I am so tired, not sleeping and just have no reserves of energy to come on here to update even though I really want to and need to, to say hi to friends, to call/text/message family. I am just tired and dealing with a lot of stuff. Too much. I am tired. It is a lonely trek.
If someone has not experienced this or going through it, I think it is difficult for them to 'get it'. So tired of being told to 'be bold' 'take no nonsense' 'why are you so weak' 'why do you take such crap' 'I would just break off all communication, block him on everything' and my favourite 'I would just take the kids and divorce him' ..oh and I forgot 'I will get the best lawyer'. But that's for another day.

Right now I have little reserve for anything outside my children. I don't even have anything for work but I go in and do my best.

I have read and caught up with everyone. It seems like it has been really rubbish time for everyone. So sorry, everyone . I will talk about my stuff some other time. That is if there is anything left to say after all that above ☝.

Welcome @ItsInTheSpoon, so sorry that even though you are divorced, your ExH is still in the same house with you! And still being controlling. I am so sorry. That is just tough. Sorry about the other relationships also getting tricky. This is a phase. It will pass. You are already divorced. So that's one step done. Wishing you strength.

@clpsmum, how are you today? I know it is not easy. I think you should take the advice someone gave above. It is still not too late to log the hit with the police. Looking back now, I wish I took the advice of people (who obviously knew better, I couldn't see it at the time), things would be so different now. I was just too scared of him. But you know your situation best. I hope you are alright. Good job on not letting him move back in. If you are going for an occupation order, also go for a non-molestation order too. We hope he doesn't hit you again and last thing you need is for DC to witness that. Stay strong.

@user1486131602, my heart goes out to you. You did suspect your STBXH was cooking up something...
I am just not able to... I have no words. I can't imagine how you are feeling. Was there any falling out with your 16yr old? I am so sorry you are going through this. Has she moved out to stay with her Dad? I am assuming she is with her Dad, could it be because she feels sorry for her Dad and wants to assuage any guilt she feels even though it is not her fault in any way?

@RoseMartha, how are you today? The way ur STBXH treats you (and by extension DC) is deplorable. Mine's the same. Do they really have to be so horrible. What's to be gained from it? A more cordial behaviour allows for a more tolerable atmosphere ..existence ..process ..interaction ...whatever word one might want to use.
I can't claim to be the best person ever but I would really balk at treating people the way they do. People underrate how wearing it is to deal with that behavior, not to talk of if you are subjected to that often. I am so sorry you are having to deal with that. Sending you hugs and strength.

Hi @Tiddleypops, so nice to hear you had a lovely time away. It is really tough to come back to all this after time away.
I suffered a massive anxiety attack. I am just glad i hid it from the children.
And the return to real life has truly just been A LOT. I have this strong urge to go back to being away.
But really happy you had great time away.

Hope everyone has a quiet rest of the week/weekend.

Hi @Itistimeandiamscared sorry to hear you are feeling so drained. A lonely trek is the perfect description: everything having to be done by yourself or it doesn’t get done, nobody to share the everyday burden (or the happy thoughts!), keeping things looking & feeling good for the DCs. I’m longing for the day exh moves out. I know he will still be a dick about the DCs though ☹️

Hi @ItsInTheSpoon, welcome back
I am struggling to be positive. Struggling really badly financially this month. DS birthday plus many other family birthdays, car needed to be fixed, school clothes and shoes too buy etc.

@Itistimeandiamscared you are right when you say it's difficult for other people to get it. I find myself trying to describe something and it just doesn't sound right, the weight of it isn't there when I try to explain, or it sounds as though I'm just moaning about something really trivial.
I am failing badly at boundaries.
I told him 20 months ago the marriage was over but he holds us in this weird kind of limbo relationship still. And I let him, sort of. The divorce is underway, but he's loving the fact that it is basically static, it all plays into his hands. It plays into his denial. And I'm trapped in it with him.
Something really has to change but I'm not sure what or how 😔

@Tiddleypops it’s not your fault that he keeps you in a relationship with him. During the divorce process, and whilst you still share a house, and having DCs together, all these force you to have to interact - and if he’s like my exh he will love this and love to see you hating it. I have got to the point (after well over a year since all this began) where I now just respond “mmm” or “oh” or the minimum of words necessary, in a really dull voice. The more I have to interact with him or think about him, the worse I feel

@ItsInTheSpoon yes he is loving it. It's all about control isn't it? I mean how dare we decide to take out lives back?! Outrageous!
I too don't really engage in much conversation. It's pointless. He knows about everything about everything anyway (or at least you would think so, the way he goes on) 😂 Does your H even notice that you don't really respond? Mine doesn't seem to, he's too busy loving the sound of his own voice.

Feeling very low and very ranty today. I've just treated myself to a big cry in the car 😂

No she’s at her boyfriends.
He has gone zero contact with me
Sorry for everyone’s grief 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

@clpsmum OMG just read your AIBU thread. I think people on there are right in saying you need further advice - have you got a solicitor? I reckon you could easily get an occupation order - I called the National Domestic Violence helpline and they put me on to a charity that can support you to do the occupation order and injunction.

Welcome back @ItsInTheSpoon, how are things now?

Hugs for @user1486.

I wanted to get my DD settled in college as part of my long and seemingly endless plan to get H out or get away from him, and the funding for her course has been cut. So she got all her paperwork, signed up, paid the "materials" fee and then got handed a bit of paper saying unfortunately year 2 is now dependent on funding so she may be asked to leave next June. So she's not settled at all (just to recap she has MH issues which is informing a lot of what I am planning) :( FFS you literally cannot get a break.

I am so sorry for everyone struggling; you hear of people breaking up and walking away, he goes back to his mum and finds someone else to torment. I am sure that would be nirvana for all of us.

@Tiddleypops my exh has always loved the sound of his own voice too and never took any notice of what I was actually saying

@user1486131602 I send you hugs, wish there was more I could say to help - I feel so sorry for you in this situation with your daughter. Will her school let you know her results?

@DishingOutDone thank you for asking, things are still awful as exh still lives here and is dragging it out...but there is light at the end of the tunnel as things are moving on, just grindingly slow and difficulties at every turn! That’s crap about the funding, what a horrible thing to happen, introducing new uncertainty

I would love exh to move on to someone new except that I’d really pity that person... plus he’d probably use her to make things worse

@ItsInTheSpoon - oh no! So another person who has to live with the ex - are you trying to sell up or get him out?