Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@Itistimeandiamscared how did it go yesterday in the end? Are you and the DC OK? I'm so sorry you are going through this. When you are a fair and honest person and all you want to do is protect and nurture your DC, it is an awful position to be in. Sending hugs xxx
With regard to my H perhaps stopping drinking, unfortunately he is an alcoholic. He will not stop, even if he loses everything (which is looking likely). He has alcohol related heart disease, and has not worked for 12 months, we are divorcing and yet, he does not stop. Sustained commitment to AA is his only hope and at the moment he is "not one of those people" apparently.

@DishingOutDone you do not need to apologise. You are in an impossible position, with brick walls all around. To see a way forward that is safe and manageable is so hard. Give yourself time. The way will become clear, it will, when the time is right you'll figure out what to do. In the meantime, focus on getting your health situation under control and give yourself everything you can to muster strength. Things are tough for you, please do not be so hard on yourself, you deserve the opposite, to be kind and forgiving to yourself

@Tiddleypops It is so hard for you and feels a never ending situation. Sending hugs 🤗. It is true that the only person who can help your h is himself. He has to want it and very sadly at the moment he doesnt. Hope the Nisi will come through ok this time and in the meantime you can plod on with the financial and getting him out. 🤗🤗

@DishingOutDone dont be sorry. Come here whenever you need to. Getting well and getting your strength back while helping your youngest dc is your priority. Then you can focus on the rest of your life and having the life you deserve.
Sending good wishes for a speedy recovery 🤗🤗 .

@user1486131602 how are you

@Itistimeandiamscared what happened yesterday? Thinking of you all 🤗🤗

H ended up taking some stuff to his home via my assistance with transport. We also took him grocery shopping as he needed food, he paid for it.
Promising to start child m. Gave date. Asked me not to chase it with solicitor again 😕🙄🤔

Re parents. I rang their social worker a couple of months ago because one day they called me 10 times in an hour. And the dc were having asd issues at the same time. I was in tears.

Anyway they have put me on waiting list for carers assessment. So still waiting to be assessed. Meanwhile just have to get on with it as they said parents are not yet at stage where they are danger to selves so they cant intervene quicker.

Oh dear ladies!

DishingOutDone:
Don’t apologise not to us.
What an amazing person you are with everything you have going on your concern for your family is stellar!
Nothing and no one should push or stop you from making the decision. I know you have been thinking.
This isn’t your time. Your dd needs you and stability. You need you and you will need your health to continue.
I too will be near 60 in a few years and hope to have this finished by then. My nisi will be here before end of August ( checked with court) but STBXH is denying responsibility for any loans or debts so it isn’t going to be easy. I always knew that!
Pleas take care of yourself, please don’t leave we can help support you and seeing the pitfalls we encounter may help you in the future!
Love and hugs to both you and your daughter, let us know how college goes, My dd changed courses but we have her results next week!!

RoseMartha
I’m sorry to hear about your parents, I hope that help will come soon!
I am struggling to understand why you are still helping him? Is it easier for you than the arguments etc?

Tiddleypops:
Sorry that STBXH is not helping himself or you.
Have you looked into moving solicitors? Getting advice about pension elsewhere?

I’ve been both happy, sad and frustrated this week. Glad to receive the signed nisi paperwork, sad that I’m divorced ( not something I planned on) and frustrated that he’s still being such a self centred idiot !
I am only dealing with each day as it comes. I can not control things as I’d Like, therefore I have stepped back from the chaos and am letting my solicitor deal with his and come to a new decision.
I am asking for a mercer order and once that is done I’m chasing him for every single thing I can to sustain the house and my kids....the worm has turned, ladies.
I gave him my past. Not my future!

Itsmeandimscared:
How did it go?

Love 💕 and 🤗 to you all x

@DishingOutDone, so lovely to hear from you.
But please you don't have to apologise. I totally feel for you. We all know how difficult it is. There is never a good time to do this but there is a worst time to do this. You are in a truly impossible position at the moment. This is the worst time to have to separate. And you should do what's best for you.
Your DC, your health are priorities. Be gentle and kind to yourself, take your time. In time your thoughts would be clearer. If it is still what you want to do then you would...if it is not, then you don't. Life is always changing..our needs are always changing.
Please, do come on for support whenever you need.

@user1486131602, congrats on receiving the signed nisi order. I know what you mean by feeling both sad and happy. Good idea to let the solicitors deal with it...takes a bit of stress off you. You deserve a happy future. And it is here!

@RoseMartha, sorry you still have some wait before help comes but I am really glad that at least you are on the list for carers assessment. I hope it hurries up. How are you today? Sending you lots of strength and a whole load of internet love.
(did that come out right? 😆)

@Tiddleypops, so sorry to hear that. I didn't realise it's been 12 months since he stopped working. This just breaks my heart. I really can't wait for you to be out of that situation. How terrible to have watch someone everyday go down the wrong path and there is nothing you can do. You are incredibly strong. I am just thinking, because of your DS, have SS not thought it is worth intervening to get him out of the house? Surely, it is not best for your little one... So many things just not good for his health and safety in this situation.

It really gets me that we live in a country where supposedly there are all these resources but in practicality, we don't see them. We don't get the help we desperately need.
I am so sorry @Tiddleypops.

I sent the message yester-evening. Told him not dropping DC off because DC are not keen on going to his and why.

This morning I got a response.

Apparently, he is shocked and disappointed that I would go the extent of telling blatant lies about his cousin.
He would never allow such.
I am accusing him falsely etc.

I am preventing the children from spending time with him.
I am damaging the children by not allowing time with their loving father and their Auntie who has 'only showered them with love and affection'.
Also, he always makes himself available for the children and I always block it.

I promise you..I did not make up anything. DC were chatting to me, i didn't even have to ask questions. They were just talking and telling me stuff. And they had a lot to say about this 'love and affection' they were showered with. This woman got them to sit down, got out the Bible and told them God says to obey their father more than their mother. And that if parents are in disagreement, to do what their father says and not their mother.
There is a whole lot more. But I just put it down to I would really have to be vigilant in teaching DC the right thing. But when they mentioned the slap, I was like 'what?! This is a whole different ball game'.

He knows that it did happen. He was right there. He has also actively supported the cousin in all the silly things she was teaching DC and how she was forcing them to use certain names and telling them off if they didn't. He knows it is true. I know it is true. The stupid woman knows it is true. DC know it is true but he is calling me a liar.

Oh @Itistimeandiamscared, what a horrible thing to have to deal with. I would not rise to him. He is lying through his teeth. What a manipulative abusive arsehole. How dare he accuse you (and actually DC too) of lying when it's him! How dare he! I am soooo angry on your behalf. Do you think it is worth talking to solicitor about this?

Re my H, it's difficult situation. SS would not touch it at the moment, H does not drink in front of DS and he wouldn't be deemed a danger. I have this up my sleeve for the future though because I think once he is on his own, then it will become dangerous potentially, for him to have DS overnight. I'll not be afraid to ask for help then, but sadly, without police or SS incidents, there is little I can do at the moment.
You nailed it, when you said that there are so many resources out there, but they are all but impossible to actually access and make use of . I thought we would be divorced by now, and I have been putting up with more than I should because "it's only for a few more weeks". Except it never is just a few more weeks because there is delay after delay.

His employer will have to make a decision about whether he returns to work or not in the next couple of weeks I would have thought. I think once this is known, then I might try to get him to move out once more. His reasons for staying were that he wants the money settled to buy a house (well this won't be possible without a job) and he needs to protect his assets (which is a joke, because he doesn't have any assets). Anyway - if we have agreed finances and it's known that he cannot buy a house, then his reasons are null and void. I still can't legally make him go, but I can try again.

@user1486131602 I think I need to take a leaf from your book. You're right, you are doing all you can, and you can't make things go faster. And you can't undo the past. It's a good frame of mind, and I am glad you keep reminding us to take one day at a time. It's all that is manageable here.

@RoseMartha I hope social services come through for you, i really do. it's all just too much to deal with. Why did you need to help your H? I understand it may have been easier that refusing to. I hope he comes through with the child maint payments.

Tiddleypops:
I think we are married to the same man! ‘Protecting his assets’ is all I’ve heard about for the last 6 months, never and still no mention of protecting his kids! Maybe you should just wait, maybe the cards the right side up for you if you do. Sometimes the best decision is no decision and you can’t make his for him anyway!

Itsmeandimscared:
I’m sorry that he lied.
I’m glad he put all that crap on text for you to use against him!
Please adopt the ‘yes dear’ policy I told you about, then he can’t even have your anger!
Mine has been here today, supposedly to see the kids, the real reason he wants suitcases for his holiday ( no he’s is not taking the kids, nor asked them!). So I said ‘yes dear’ come an collect them before you go
( sept) and by then I will have moved them elsewhere. He as taken enough of the things from the house that he wanted, all designer goods and high value things, so NOT this time , dear!
Fighting myself today, the solicitor says go to the CSA, But my gut is saying no. Might just sleep on it! But since he’s not providing for his kids voluntarily I suppose the decision is made! I just feel bad, feels like I’m grassing someone up!
Taking my own advice...one thing at a t8me!

Love and hugs ladies xx

@user1486131602 I was out at the weekend and discovered unicorn gin! I had one in your honour 🍸 🦄

That was a series of intense updates, I am glad we had a unicorn gin at the end!

Thank you all for your tremendous support particularly when you are all caught up between rocks and hard places. Tiddly what's your plan, I was scrolling back trying to see when you could get your H out but I might have missed it - I got back as far as April when you were hoping for the nice?

Itistime do you have a Child Arrangement Order in place or do you just normally agree access ad hoc? Do you think he will keep pressing for contact now?

Keep being so brave ladies, you are inching towards a better life.

Oops Tiddly that should read you were hoping for the Nisi !!

Clpsmum:
Hurray ....and just the one😉?
Tastes goood, doesn’t it?! 🍸🍸🍸🦄🦄

Oh @clpsmum that unicorn gin really cheered me up. Perfect 🦄😂

@DishingOutDone I'm not too sure what my plan is. I was just going to stick it out until we're divorced and then, if he didn't go willingly, at least I could legally remove him. The reality is that the delays are getting stupid now. Nisi was rejected because solicitor made a typo and court lost my marriage certificate, so I'm just reapplying now (at my own expense for a new marriage certificate ). And finances are taking far too long to sort. So, I may need another solution. We could be looking at another 6 months or more if he delays financial agreement and that is too long. It's already 19 months since I ended the marriage (although I was not brave enough to start divorce for a while after - I naively assumed we'd split up properly first, then tackle the divorce later). I'll need to get tough, I'm just not sure what that looks like yet. He goes about as though he's going to live here forever. He's an expert of denial.

Holiday next week though so that is something I am really looking forward to Maybe things will become clearer while I'm away.

Also must Google unicorn gin

Oh Tiddley - I thought that's where you were at, then I thought no surely not hence my asking. Dear god. You've had that going on all that time, I presume he's long since exhausted any sick pay so are you paying for the entire household? And taking care of DS?

Is your H aggressive on a day to day basis? Is he just hanging around feeling sorry for himself or does he have functioning periods?

Ok ladies!

We all need to dump the STBXH crap and start a Unicorn drinking club....make the problems seem better!!

Everyone, please seek out whatever brings you peace, you are not on earth just to serve others!

So gin first, others after! Hic!
Love and hugs xx

@Tiddleypops 'a few more weeks'. I know that feeling. 🤗🤗🤗a few more weeks never ends does it?
I hope you hear soon about his job situation and press on with the financial order. I also expected to be divorced by late last year but as you say there is delay after delay and it feels never ending. You are always so positive and a great encouragement to us all. Thank you.

@Itistimeandiamscared sending a 🤗. I agree they must all be brothers the way they behave and twist everything then declare they are innocent.

@user1486131602 Sending hugs, typical it seems to take the things of value. Our furniture is pretty crappy tbh and he has left it all for me which on the surface sounds generous except for the fact I will have to replace most if it when we move, so actually no favour at all.

@DishingOutDone
🤗

Had bad couple of days with kids. With their attitude mainly, in this instance age related. Have avoided parents but called them twice a day.

I helped him because I hate confrontation and it just seems easier. I need his stuff gone, so to help him move some was in my favour too. I agreed to food shop as want to be as amicable as possible even if he is not and it was on the way to his home with his stuff already in the car.

I dont know about you all but I tend to be over hard on myself and give more chances than I should to others.😕🙄

Seeing parents tomorrow and looking after my sister's dc and my dc. All at the same time. Should be interesting. 😬

Hi, @RoseMartha, you have a lot on but sound cheerful. That has made me smile. You are always so positive.
I know the feeling of trying to be amicable even if the other person isn't. I still ask myself why I do it because it is always used against me.
You will have your hands full tomorrow. Are your sister's DC similar age to yours? Are all the kids close/know each other reasonably well? If they do, from my experience of having multiple children on playdates, they all just tend to look after themselves/each other... How is your little one with ASD in such situations? I trust they will all be excited to see each other and they will have a great day and behave really well for you.

Hi, everyone. So sorry if I don't say much...
@DishingOutDone, 🤗. No child arrangement order in place.

@Tiddleypops, hopefully this is the last of the delays. I will keep my fingers crossed that you and DS are out of that situation soonest. I will keep hoping that he decides to just move out. Yesterday.
You don't need any of that.

I am so tired. Mentally and emotionally drained. It has been a stressful few days.
DC and I are meant to be going away next week, I had informed STBXH about these dates way back in March. Reminded him again 3 weeks ago. He agreed to me taking them on holiday on the said dates.
Guess what? Now he has informed me that he is having DC on those dates. Why? Why be so difficult? Now I am stressed and don't know what to do. I feel sick.
Every single step since he walked out on his family, has been a big fight to get to that stepg. Every time, every single step forward.

@Itistimeandiamscared thank you. I do try and be positive even when it is a crappy day and I feel it will never get better. (As my mother used to say there is always someone having a worse time than you). Sometimes the kids and I play the positive game where we are grateful for a small thing that went right in a bad or disappointing day. Lol. Bit silly huh?

How were things today? 🤗🙄 it is totally not fair that he has disregarded your holiday. 🤗

do you have any proof of asking him in March so that you can refer back to it? To back you up.

Have you booked a holiday? Or are you staying with friends or family?

I would insist that I had told h in March and he agreed and he can not suddenly decide that is the week he is having them. But easier said than done. Hope you get to go, a break will do you all good.

Day was ok. Spent some time at home. Took kids to a free craft thing for an hour. But they did run riot a bit at my parents house. My sister has older teens who I saw later on and then a ten year old and a eight year old who we had for the day. They got on fine. Bit boisterous at times but it was wet and my kids need exercise everyday which they didnt really get. Parents were happy when we all left, although rang me about the same issue three times in succession later on.
Hoping tomorrow will be dryer and we can get fresh air etc.

How is everyone?

Stbx hit me today! I'm in shock. He found out if been for a coffee with a male friend and flew if the handle! Wtaf???

Do you have someone who can help in RL @clpsmum? Do you still live with STBEx? Are you safely away from him now?

@DishingOutDone thanks for your reply I'm just a bit stunned. I am ok. Just in shock he's done it. Don't live with him thankfully although he's threatening to move back in 😩

He also spat in my face, threw a shoe at me, told me my kids hate me, called me a slag and a fat count and said he wished I was dead

@clpsmum sending 🤗🤗🤗🤗

How are you? I am sorry you had that happen to you today. Hope the kids are okay.

If you need to chat please do, we are here for you