Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@Tiddleypops so sorry to hear things are frustrating for you. I hope it turns up. You have got this far as you can get over this next hurdle too. You are stronger than you know. 🤗🤗. Christmas is always difficult, isn't it? Sending hugs. 🤗🤗 no idea what I am going to ve doing this year. 😕

@Weenurse thank you

@user1486131602 I hope you manage to get the nisi soon. It is a big hurdle to jump over and you finally feel like you are getting somewhere when you have it.

@Itistimeandiamscared well like you I dont want to upset the apple cart. I think I will go down official channels if no news this week.
He was abusive over the phone this morning to me.

Kids are up and down, quite insulting to me. Probably will come back mouthing off stuff as with h today. So I will get the fall out later.

@user1486131602, sorry to hear about the nisi. You sound strong and on track. . You are right...keeping pushing through. A step at a time.

@RoseMartha, you have been so patient. It is a shame he can't appreciate that.
Go aheadoing the official route takes a lot of stress out of the situation. And they can't fight you...even if they do, you would still be gettiing the money you need for the kids.
I really hope the kids'
attitudes improve. You could do without that.

hello ladies
Well, I’ve had an interesting few days!
Hubby texting me when drunk, being rude....no news there! Then crapping on about his money....blah! Blah!
Solicitor telling me she hasn’t been keeping notes....WTF!
Then telling me if I want advice I should have an appt! What for...you’re not keeping notes! Your advice has cost me 6 months of CSA payments and now STBXH I’d telling me that I didn’t follow the correct protocol! F OFF!
CSA telling me I can’t claim for both kids, as 1 going to uni!
Benefits telling me there’s no help available as I’m mortgaged not renting.

Well that’s all my happy news for today!

Some days I could scream, if I wasnt to tired to get out of my own way!
Someone shoot me! I am beyond frustrated.

I have seen my solicitor several times since Feb, spoken on the phone with her several times and now she says she hasn’t been keeping notes. She told me not to do anything to stop him signing the papers, I did nothing as advised, now she’s say8ng well that advice was in Feb, you should have come back to Me! If bloody did, he didn’t a solicitor and you said wait! Now the twit has got away for paying anything and doesn’t have to pay while I’m struggling to feed them on the poxy £150 me it feels like one step forward a 1000 backwards. I so want this over!

@user1486131602 sounds a crap day 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 Solicitor should have made notes every time you visited or called.

I have had a crap day too. H is now claiming he has paid some of my bills since moving out. Possibly bc he did not cancel the dd which if that is the case is his fault. The companies have taken payment from both of us! I think however might be accidental mix up from the companies. So going to have to call said companies and find out whats happening. And just as I was abt to send him letter from sol. Which will now have to wait. 😡😡😡

Kids bit better ty. @Itistimeandiamscared

How are you @Tiddleypops

Hi, everyone.
I have had a crap day too...and I am so angry so need some calm wise advice.
But first, @user1486131602, I am so sorry. Is that solicitor for real?! Isn't that just gross incompetence??? I am fuming on your behalf.
So sorry about the CSA and benefits people. Is H not contributing to the mortgage? I am sorry things are so tight.
Things will resolve. It just takes time.
Do you need a different solicitor?

@RoseMartha, sorry about your crap day. Really sorry.
Hope you get it sorted with the company. H could equally call them to resolve it too, can't he? But he wouldn't?
Hope it works out.

Can I ask for advice, please.
Sorry this may be long.
My DC3 is known by the middle name. Everyone uses that name for DC3.
H does not like that.
He has a cousin staying with him for the summer.
Whenever DC go over to his, this cousin tells them they are not allowed to use the middle name. And forces them to use the first name. DV complained to their Dad, that this cousin is making them uncomfortable. He told them that the cousin is right because when they call DC3 with the well known name, they are stabbing him in the heart and indirectly saying DC3 is not his child. That a child cannot be named by a woman. For context, I gave the middle name, he gave the first.
Yesterday, DC2 used the middle name. This cousin then says if I hear you use that name again, I will slap you across the face. H was present. He heard and saw when this was said but said nothing and did nothing.
DC2 (9yr) then spent the day scared of slipping up and receiving a slap across the face.
DC are with me now but are due back at STBXH's in two days. Cousin will still be there.
I am so angry. What do I do? Am I overreacting?
I am not sure of myself the way I used to be.
Years of an abusive marriage...my feelings were constantly trivialised...eventually I started believing I was the one that was abnormal...so my normometer is way off.
Please, I need some calm advice. I am so angry. And I am not sure if I am overreacting.

@Itistimeandiamscared
I don't think you are over reacting. I would be angry and upset too. What does H call DC? Why cant cousin use the name? Did cousin use the name when you saw them when you were still together?

It is abusive. I would be reluctant to send kids to H. I would also feel I had to say something to H.

I also totally understand your mind set . I am still in the frame of mind where I am worried about setting of H's moods, which are so unpredictable and unwarranted. I also think it will take some time to undo. Even now I find myself slipping back into his controlling ways.

Can you try and approach him? Say what happened was not acceptable and that if it happens again you will be taking further action.

You could discuss with solicitor or CA or social services or cafcass.

Please keep us updated.

Regarding my h. No he wont🙄😕.

Itsmeandimscared and RoseMartha
Isn’t that the theme here , they just won’t!

No child of mine would be spoken to like that. Or threatened.
Your H needs to step up or shut up! The cousin wasn’t born that way, maybe there is a family pattern here. You need to say (text) something!
Put it on text so you have a record of the incident, can’t be denied, also it’s proof!
Tell your son he doesn’t have to go to his dad if it’s making him uncomfortable. I’m sorry that you and son have this to dal with

Totally agree with the others @Itistimeandiamscared. Your poor DCs Definitely abusive. Some crazy male pride thing over what is right for DC. I know I'd find it very hard to approach my H over something like this. I also know it would probably make him worse. How old is DC3? I'm so angry on your behalf. Above all else, make sure the DC know you have their backs and that you don't agree with H's behaviour. Sending hugs 🤗

Oh @RoseMartha it just goes on doesn't it?! Keep on keeping on, you are getting there 🤗

@user1486131602 oh wow, your solicitor is taking the p* there! And it's cost you money. You must be seething. I'm furious at my solicitor for making a typo on my divorce petition as it's cost me 2 and a half months extra with H. Do you think they have any idea that they are dealing with people's real lives? Keep going. Have you been to CAB? They might be able to help you find some loop holes or things you can claim that you may have missed.

Such selfish arseholes aren't they, our Hs! Good to come back here and share with such inspirational ladies who are maintaining integrity at such a difficult time. You are all amazing.

No major news here. Waiting to send decree nisi application number 2 back. H becoming weirder. House is a tip which is really getting me down. I've no money, H has given me nothing for bills again.
BUT in other news I've just had a pay rise, and I'm managing to squeeze in a little bit of overtime so f* him. I'll cope. Feeling very bitter this week, which does me no good 🙄

@Tiddleypops sorry to hear things are so tight for you. Good news about the pay rise and a few hours more. It is amazing what a few more pounds can do and how we can all make that stretch.

Hoping nisi two goes well. 🤗

@user1486131602 How are things?

@Itistimeandiamscared How is it going?

Made phone calls. Even though still no child m I transferred my money to his account for one bill as the company made an error and took from h even though I set up new payment. Set up new payment again. I think possibly bc he did not bother to cancel his direct debit, the problem occurred.

Other bill. They told me he was wrong and that the bill he was querying over should have been paid by him as was for month prior to him leaving (he agreed to pay for such bill via solicitors while living with us). I have paid for this bill since he moved out. He had been hoping I would reimburse him but that is not the case thank goodness. I think he has overspent on treats for himself and left himself short for child m and hoping he could have clawed it back from me!

He has now told me a date for Child m. Will have to see if it goes in my account 😕🙄 but I dont think I will see any money for July .

Hi, guys.
@Tiddleypops, congratulations!!! on the pay rise. Well done you. I hope it makes a difference for you. (((hugggsss))). Have you found out the reason for his weird behavior? We all feel bitter from time to time. The important thing is to not stay with bitterness. And as things get better, that bitterness would be banished for good.

@RoseMartha, glad to hear you sorted out the bill issue. I hope he comes through on the child maintainance. How are you today? You haven't mentioned your parents for a while, how are they? Hope the online shopping is working out and you are not under too much pressure...

@user1486131602, how are you? What's happened on the solicitor front? You have been in my thoughts. This is a period in time. This too will pass.

I have been through a series of emotions...i haven't slept or eaten properly since Tuesday.
Yesterday, DC2 said they do not want to go to their Dad's, when the cousin is there. I told them that I'd they didn't do that STBXH would be mad, and come for me so they may need to speak to other people about what happened. They were very willing to do it. They really really don't want to go back there while she is there. I thought okay. But then later had a massive anxiety attack because I know he will kick off. I called my local domestic abuse service for emotional support, they said I had to log in with 101. So I called 101. They came out to see DC and me. They asked me to speak to my solicitor and they are referring to SS. They said if DC don't want to go, not to force them. They wanted information on this cousin and they are going on Facebook to track her down! They say a crime hasn't been committed but they wanted to know all about her.

And he has now decided, he wants the children on the days that I had informed him months ago that I would be taking the children away on a break!

Why does everything have to be a fight???
It really doesn't have to be this difficult.
I have never been a fighter...this whole thing is exhausting!

I may need to come on here for some serious handholding when I message him DC aren't coming. Why am i so scared?

Have a lovely weekend everyone.

I had recently (2 weeks ago) reminded him about the dates the kids and I were going away. He acknowledged it.
Now he is saying he is having the children on those dates.

@Itistimeandiamscared sounds like he is doing that on purpose to wind you up. Not nice.

So very pleased that you spoke to domestic abuse people and the police and they are supporting you. 🤗

My parents will not have online shopping. Even though I downloaded app explained how it works and said it will help us. They refuse. My sister has done their food shop a couple of times. But they keep ringing me at inconvenient times wanting a couple of items that they say can not possibly wait until the next day. This week they have called me about 12 times a day, often about the same thing that they called me about five minutes earlier! 🙄🤨

Major issues with h refusing to have the kids for trivial issue, shouting and yelling abuse at me in the street which turned out the issue he blamed me for was his fault. No apology of course.

I was left in the lurch as had to go to work and spent an hour of my work day calling all my friends to get childcare, most of whom were on holiday or had plans, finally one friend had them for half the day , another for two hours and I will have to make the rest of the time up after school starts in September. I was not pleased with h.

Itsmeandimscared
Thank you for thinking of me. It’s nice to know someone cares.
Well done you for protecting your kids! No, your STBH is Not having them on those days’ , that’s not what you agreed. And he hasn’t asked he’s told you.....so sod that!
I understand where you’re coming from explaining to your kids why he will kick off, but they need you to step up and tell him!
Don’t be anxious, don’t let him take ANYTHING else from you, not even a minute of your time/ life. Text him, tell him, ignore him!
That’s what he’s doing, he’s ignoring your wants and needs and arrangements!

I’d be using the ‘yes dear’ reply anytime I could!

That’s my way of responding when he says something he wants and I’m not going to do! Yes dear....then do my thing!!
Use every possible bit of help you can get the police, domestic abuse, school, ss, doctors, friends ...anyone.
You and your kids have suffered enough, throw that shit back at him, some will stick!
Deep breath, text, wine, loud music so you can’t hear the phone, and anything else he puts on text is more evidence!

RoseMartha
Sorry to hear STBXH is still not getting it!
Pardon my bluntness, do your parents have dementia? They surely understand how much you have to deal with at the moment?
They won’t have deliveries......well they are going to be hungry then aren’t they?! You are not responsible for them. I am sorry that there is no one who can offer help during the holidays. You really need to be more firm with him.

As my situation goes:
STBXH has finally signed. Nisi soon!
No payments for kids, so I’ve gone to CSA. enough is enough.
Asking for mercer order....stay in house at my cost til youngest has finished school 2023/2024
STBXH wants financials sorted, now!
Is staying didn’t sign for an6 of the debts, must be fraud! Eff off!
Not paying any debts cos they are in my name, yes coz your mental health probs meant you couldn’t/wouldn’t deal with them so you didn’t have a bank account for 10 yrs!!

So, even tho it’s over, it’s all about him, his money and hasn’t asked or provided anything for his kids!
So, same shit, different week covers it! I need to produce some docs for the court which I will do after I receive my nisi!
I just need so peace from his drama!

Other than that service as usual.
I hope your weekends are peaceful too.need a handholding, get on here!
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@user1486131602 glad he has signed and you can move forward. Thats a good step in right direction. I hope you get the money via csa.

I am reluctant to do that as he guilt tripped me this week saying he has no money left and cant pay me anything if he is in the red.

Yes my parents have dementia and refusing all help or intervention. Its so frustrating. What with that and the divorce and dc with asd and work and h behaving like a man child when he is not being abusive, I could do without it.

Lots of man child behaviour this week. Trouble was when he refused to have kids he just walked off and left us standing there and point blank refused to have them and slammed his front door. Since then he sent me lots of sulky texts or guilt trip texts or manipulative texts which on the whole I chose to ignore. Initially wanted to see dc tomorrow now telling me he will decide tomorrow as he might have better plans! 😡

RoseMartha
That’s why he’s guilt tripping you, so he doesn’t have to change or pay CSA, he’s not going to change and as you have all the burdens and expenses, why should you feel sorry for him. Is he worrying how you will feed his kids. No!
If he’s overspent, tough! That’s no longer your problem.
As regards to your parents you need to get help for them whether they want it or not. What will happen if you aren’t around? Get those things put in place now, then your new life will be better all round for you.
Sorry to hear your H is being a dick......but what else does he know how to be!
Stop enabling his behaviour, if he can’t pay, then he will have to argue with the CSA not you.

Have a better day tomorrow!

Love 💕 and 🤗

Hi @RoseMartha, so sorry to hear about his man child behaviour then subsequent guilting manipulative texts.
He has a responsibility towards DC. You are not overspending, so why should he?
What happens if he continues to over spend?
What is he thinking when he is overspending?
What makes him feel confident enough or what allows him to be careless enough (whichever it is) to overspend?
Think about this.

He does it because he knows the children have a mother who will ensure their needs are met even if it kills her.

This is the mother who is looking after his ASD DC, who is looking after her parents who have dementia and rely on her, the same mother who is also working. The same mother to his children that he is also making things difficult for in various ways while he has the luxury of overspending, deciding last minute not to care for his DC - actually shutting the door on his DC, keeping you dangling as he suggests he may be cancelling at will planned days DC are to be with him for 'better plans'..these are days that he himself said he wanted to see DC.

Think about this.
(I am really sorry. I am not trying to make you feel even worse).

Are you asking for too much?

No. You are actually asking for very little.

And he is making you feel guilty about this.

The CSA takes 4-6 weeks to get processed. If he doesn't have money this week, he has enough time to make sure he has money by the time CSA payments are due.

@user1486131602, congratulations!!! on his signing. Now things can progress. Well done you. (((Hugsss))).
One step at a time. Just crossing each bridge as we get to it.

@RoseMartha, I forgot to mention..really sorry to hear your parents have dementia. That's difficult enough without them refusing outside help. I hope you are able to get some support with this. With dementia even though there are good days and not-so-good days...it will always be difficult if they don't want help. But it is essential for their well-being and safety now.

@Tiddleypops, how are you?

@DishingOutDone, how are you? You have been quiet for sometime now. How are things?

Today is a tough day for me. DC don't want to go to their Dad's.

Hey @Itistimeandiamscared, good luck today. The fact your DC don't want to go speaks volumes doesn't it? I'm not at all surprised. Another thing your H will blame you for no doubt, when actually he could do with having a bloody long look at himself! I feel for you.

@user1486131602 finally signed! I hope things can move on a little more for you now. What a pain when do many months have passed. Look only forwards now though. (Must take my own advice on that one!)

@RoseMartha big hugs 🤗 You are showing exceptional strength lady, honestly, I'm in awe of you. It must be so difficult dealing with H being a huge petulant sulky baby, and simultaneously having to deal with your parents. I wonder if you could ask for help on their behalf and dress it up as YOU needing the help. I can understand that they feel unwilling to accept outside help, however you are just not able to do all this for them and deal with everything else too. Please look after yourself xx

Nothing much happening here. H is definitely drinking more and more over time. He cut back significantly when I said I wanted to separate, but it's obviously getting harder for him now. When I say he cut down, I mean he went from drinking, perhaps 12 hours a day, down to maybe 3 hours a day (but still daily). I think it's getting harder for him to wait until DS is in bed now and he seems to be drinking further into the early hours again. It's not that I feel involved with this any more, but I hugely resent having ended my relationship with him in January 2018, and yet I'm sleeping in my DS room, paying all the bills and still putting up with his shit all this time later. I just wish he'd go. He's another who is expert level "victim". This is all everyone else's fault. None of it is down to him in his tiny mind

Hi, @Tiddleypops. It must be hard being with someone in the same house, watching them drink themselves into a terrible state. Do you have any RL support? Are you and DS safe when he starts drinking? He tried cutting down..would he try stopping completely? I know it is not your business. I just wondered.
How is your weekend going?

Thank you @Tiddleypops. Yes, I guess STBXH may blame me. DC2 is really upset with him. TBH I was surprised DC2 did not want to go to.
I am going to need a lot of courage today. And handholding.

Okay.... So STBXH has just messaged asking what time I am dropping off DC.

Itsmeandimscared
I hope you either, have not answered him or told him no!
If not, maybe you could mention the police are involved in his family’s behaviour and have advised to not for dc to go! That’ should put STBXH fire out!
I’m sorry that it’s stressing you out so much but that’s the cost of having a path towards your freedom! Try to think more about you, less about about him!

Hello all, thank you for asking about me - I had a name change and then I always get in a flap about how to change it back etc., hope I have been successful. I can't even remember why I did it.

Anyway. You've all had lots going on, but its @Itistimeandiamscared that I am worried about - I hope you managed to keep DC home today?

So in all honesty I am thinking to leave this thread, or at least just come back to see how you are all doing. What's happened is I have made so many plans and set dates to tell H leave, and then looked into it a bit more etc., and the timing is just impossible. First of all, I found out that H cannot rent a flat on his existing income. He has nowhere to go, my solicitor has said that I cannot get an occupation order unless he can afford somewhere to go to - she said the judge will be reluctant to give the order if he's on the streets and that he would need reasonable accommodation to go to. So that would leave me having to tell him I want out, whilst us all still living under the same roof.

You might all recall that my youngest DD has had mental health problems and is under psychiatrist, currently in a very fragile recovery and she is very keen to just stay here in her room and be OK, and I am keen for that too - I dont want all hell breaking lose whilst she is trying to get a place at college, GCSE results are very uncertain and she is extremely low. Eldest DD leaves in September and this is a pretty crap prospect for youngest as she relies on her sister for support. She thought the split would be entirely amicable (both my kids know its on the cards), but if he's an arsehole now, imagine what he'd be like if I told him it was all over AND then had to live in the same house as him whilst I tried to sell - I'd probably need the court to force the sale as it is.

My health isn't great, I am having various tests to try to see the best way forward. Plus I have found out that I will either need to try to get the lions share of the equity or try to to access his pension for which I'd need specialist advice. I can't say I don't care where he ends up living because it would upset both DDs if he had to move into a crappy bedsit.

So. Timing is all. I need to wait for a few more months, and see how things go with DD and my planned operation. I am full of regrets for 30 years lived like this, well, mostly the last 20 but even so, I have a lot of mistakes to look back on. I will be 60 in a couple of years and that is my new deadline - I have to be out of this house before I am 60; otherwise basically I have thrown my entire life away. I dream of leaving and having the final 20 years of freedom but at what cost. Well, at least I can dream.

Sorry to be maudlin it wasn't my intention, I am just trying to explain my current position. sigh

Gosh that was long. I feel embarrassed that you all have so much to cope with and have come so far, and I am basically saying um, no sorry not ready.