Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Hi news welcome.

Sorry to read everyones troubles.

Kids and I went on holiday last week with our friends. Fortunately the weather was kind to us and we spent most the time at the nearby beach or in the swimming pool or walking and did not have to spend money on kids adventure parks. Which was great and a relief.

Heard from solicitor while away which put bit of dampener on holiday. H making new demands which I have said no to. As not in best interest of kids.

Still no maintenance payment even though I have asked H twice more and I was supposed to hear about UC today and did not.

Without UC and maintenance, for august I have £125 for food and petrol combined. 😕 nothing for clothes, days out, solicitors bills etc
Month after will be less as another bill starts. 😕😬

H still trying to exert control but in more subtle ways. 🙄😕
Totally spoilt kids when he took them out on Sunday. Filled them with sugar!!! And over bought other treats. They were horrendous today as a result. He even told them I was poor. Which will aggravate the situation and school holiday needs. As they will mock me which they did today and moan how crap I am and how crap their lives are without money (not that we had much spare money when H and I were together. We have been in a first time buyers house for 20 years and not been in a position to move up the ladder and now we will be moving down it!).

RoseMartha
Glad you had a good break.
Sorry to hear about UC CSA and money troubles.
You are doing all you can for your kids and your STBXH is just proving what a dick he is.
Yo7 do not have to take t fro your kids, I know how much it hurts. Just explain to them that you not poor, just having to do without as daddy is only looking after himself instead of paying what he should for them. They will also repeat that to him! You cannot reason with these idiots!
As I said, mine asked me to pay for the court costs! I had been advised by my solicitor to not go to CSA as it might give him a reason to not sign, well I didn’t, struggled for 6 months and he still found another reason not to sign! I could spit nails!
Time for you to up the ante! Get on to CSA, call UC and tell him t you’ve called them because he hasn’t sorted anything out and you’re ‘ too poor’ to feed the kids!

Love and hugs

Thanks user. Sorry you have had to struggle too without the maintenance. They seem to be made of same mould.

He took them out today again as has annual leave and showered them with treats but no news on money. Feel like he is trying to say told you so that you cant manage without me and look what I can give kids and you cant.

He even brought me a utility bill which was for the time prior to his leaving that he promised to pay and agreed to pay in a solicitors letter and then tried to get me to pay it! I said no I am not paying it. He also borrowed the car and left it with no petrol. (Not falling for that again, no more borrowing car).

My solicitor had to contact his regarding the other matter and did mention lack of maintenance payment. So I am hoping that stirs his butt into action. Meanwhile UC want information of before he left family home which I explained to him but I do not think he will oblige with providing said information. Causing me to wait longer for any UC. 😡🙄😕

Hi, @RoseMartha, so sorry to hear about the CSA and UC. I understand the pinch. I have less than you after bills paid...and that's for childcare fees, food and petrol. We can't afford any extras! Buying birthday cards, buying school shoes etc are all extras.
I have my fingers crossed for you. On a good note, I can now progress with the divorce.
I am seriously house-hunting..need to move.

How is everyone else?

@Itistimeandiamscared good news you can progress. I am pleased for you. 🤗

Trouble is regarding the money or lack of. I need to start paying another bill in September and another in October. This will leave me £67 a month for food and petrol. And no money as you said for shoes, clothes and everything else. With the maintenance on top of this I will be able to scrape by.

@Itistimeandiamscared sorry I was also going to add you are in my thoughts because scraping by on less than £125 must be a constant nightmare and worry for you. 🤗🤗

I am now going to see if I can sell anything we dont use.

RoseMartha
If they want info and he won’t provide it, give them his NI number and his solicitor details. Stop waiting for him, do it yourself and if any of the info is wrong HE will have to deal with it.

Itsmeandimscared
Hi! How have things been? You’ve been quiet for a while.

I believe we are all feeling the pinch!
But I’m still grateful.....it was like this when I was married and he wasn’t being paid because of his long term sickness. So, at least it’s just dealing with my bills and not his drama!
I’m still waiting for my nisi so still waiting to apply to CSA and since benefits are paid when they’re paid and not when the bills are due, things are tight to say the least. One day at a a time.

@RoseMartha, thank you. Yes, it is tough. We are not able to scrape by, I have become good at prioritizing, juggling and ignoring!

I had always stopped myself from leaving the abusive marriage because I knew it would be a financial nightmare. I am constantly amazed that it is almost a year now and we are surviving. The kids are well fed and clothed. Our house is happy. It's full of laughter, games, quality chill time, no tension, consistency and one set of rules (no more confused and scared children).

It's funny how I am financially deficient but that's not what keeps me awake at night. It's H's abusive and difficult behaviour.

Hi, @user1486131602, 🤗. I have been quiet because I had a bit of relapse. I had to come into contact with H a bit too much over the last 2-3 weeks. That provided ample opportunity for him to take jabs and to fight on everything. I don't know why, but it affected me quite badly. Psychologically, I was beaten down and defeated. Physically I was bone tired & exhausted.

I can see the divorce is going to be an ugly one. A bitter one. I don't know if I have the wherewithal to be be strong enough to survive it.
.

Itsmeandimscared
If you look back about 2 weeks ago I totally lost it! Was even sent to a psychiatrist! I think it’s where we have been worn down for so long, then we have to deal with different chaos ....it’s just one thing too many. I’m sending you some strength! It’s true, sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can climb back up. So I KNOW you can do it, you are surviving, your kids are well fed and happy, you are doing it!! Both you and I ( and the others) put too much on ourselves, we have had to live like that, we are used to ‘doing something ‘ to solve things and we undermine our own successes because of it.

So stop. Step away from his chaos, if he wants to make the divorce bitter, so be it.
You can’t change him or his behaviour. You CAN change how you react to that!
Don’t let him have your strength, dignity or courage. Don’t be angry or bitter...and you’ll win because it will drive him nuts! Priceless!
Mines the same, but it’s comforting to know that he’s costing himself a fortune!!
Love and hugs

@user1486131602 and @Itistimeandiamscared Sending 🤗🤗🤗
Its me. You are strong enough. I didnt think I was either halfway through. But you are and you can do this. 🤗🤗

Will ring child maintenance people this week and do the UC without h's info and see how it goes.

He messaged me today asking after kids. No mention of maintenance. I cant keep asking, it is humiliating and also the more I ask the less likely he will pay it. His way of holding on to the control I imagine.

The times he owed me money from my current account and promised to pay and never did is a good indication I need to take things into my own hands. Five weeks is long enough to pop to the bank which is just outside his workplace.

Reading your posts makes me feel less alone. Today I felt like a failure like h's words were echoing in my head. As I contemplated the areas we will have a choice of moving to. 'Its your fault the kids and you are living in a bad area, if you had not broken our family up they would have a better life.'

Except deep down I know it was not a better life filled with fear and abuse. One of my friends told me it is going to take time for me to get out of the mind set I have been forced to live for years. That now we can have our own way of doing things.

🤗🤗🤗🤗 Hugs all round everyone. Keep going
Same story here. Money very tight for me too. H not paying his way. H being all 'woe is me', and angry and bitter.
On the plus side, I look at this behaviour and think, thank goodness I am not with him anymore! Nothing surprises me at all.

We can and will get through this. We are doing it for the right reasons and one day the kids will get that. We are good at being consistent and calm and will reap the rewards down the line.

I'm almost five years on and I still cant get a divorce ex husband has a fiance cant wait to get remarried wouldn't sign the papers the last time and now has no address I'm going to be stuck with this parasite forevermore

Slippery when Spartacus
I’m sorry to hear that.
Does he work? If necessary, you could serve papers there!
If he is having a regular relationship, I don’t think he’s being totally honest. But, when are they? Mines been hiding money for months believing he won’t have to pay!
I hope your situation improves .

@slipperywhensparticus, welcome.
So sorry to hear about that. 5 years is a long time. How are you coping? Really sorry to hear that. That must be so tough.

Has he acknowledged receipt of the divorce petition from the court? If he has acknowledged receipt, and you can prove it, you don't need him to sign the papers.
If he is refusing to sign, you just need to prove that he has received the papers.

If you know where he goes regularly...even without a known address...can you get him served? Can you afford that?

I have just been through this.

All the best.

Welcome slippery 🤗

Tiddley 🤗🤗

Wishing everyone a good weekend. 🤗🤗🤗

Good news and bad news update.

Good is that I have a date UC will start. Hooray we can eat this month.

Bad news. Still no joy on child maintenance. I have suggested to h of me going through official route in hope that it might spur him into action. Apparently he is looking into sorting out a sto. How long does it take to set one up? Ten minutes? 😕🙄🙄🙄😕 (couple of days if you have to make an appointment first perhaps).

Other bad news is h has ignored my last solicitors letter and gone ahead and done something on financial issue without my consent. Financial agreement is not even signed yet, let alone on its way to court. Had an interesting call from an estate agent today. 😡😡😡😕 more expense as I will have to consult my solicitor again.

Ladies you are a strong group and it is heartening to see your support for one another 💐

@RoseMartha, congrats on UC news. At long last! Well done. Happy for you.

Is there any reason you don't want to go the official route for child maintainance?
I held off doing it for 6 months. I was worried about H's reaction, I was worried about it aggravating an already horrible situation. I spoke to someone who had to go to CMS, she had the same worries as I, but told me she regretted delaying approaching them.
I called them...it was pretty straightforward giving required information. One phone call. After a few weeks you get a letter in the post. I should have called them from Day 1.

I am so sorry H is making financial decisions and committments without your consent. He really has no regards, does he?
Hold on to the thought that this situation will come to an end. Things are progressing..he can't stop it.
How are things with DC?
Congrats on your UC news.

@Tiddleypops, hi. Hope you are okay. You have been so quiet. How is the financial order coming along? Did you make another offer? How are you? How is your DS? I really hope you are okay.

@user1486131602, 🤗🤗 how are you? How did the Form D11 go? Hope you and DC are enjoying the school holidays.

@DishingOutDone, 🤗. It is the weekend, I am thinking of you. I know weekends/Mondays are tough for you. How have you been? How are things?

Wishing everyone some enjoyment this weekend. Anyone going away this holidays? Would love to hear about exciting plans coming up or lovely holidays already taken. Something nice to raise the spirits and encourage us to be hopeful for the future.

@Itistimeandiamscared hiya thank you for checking in. My sol has requested more info from H's sol about a couple of things. Then depending on that, we have another offer. I can't see any wiggle room for him to reject it, but they are full of surprises aren't they?!!! Meanwhile, sol missed off the last letter of H's name on one box on the nisi application (correct everywhere else and pretty obvious), but the judge refused it on that ground plus the fact that the court lost my marriage certificate, so of course my application had no original certificate with it.. But, ffs, it was them who lost it!! So I have to get another certified copy to replace the one they already have but don't know where it is.

Have to laugh or I would crack up. I'm actually very worried about Christmas now. I'm not sure I can face another one with him in the house, but I think it's optimistic to think this will be sorted by then. He won't go until he legally has no choice

How are things with you? Any progress? I hope you are enjoying the hols?

@RoseMartha I'm both outraged and equally not surprised about your H making decisions about the finances in an underhand way. What an absolute arsehole. He's digging his own grave. You sound stronger though. Do you feel it?

@Tiddleypops, so sorry to hear that! Wow!
I hope you find a certified copy of your marriage certificate soon. Does this mean you have to start the process from the beginning?

And H is still there?! I had hoped he would have left by now.
So sorry.
Can you make some Christmas plans that you will do whether he has moved out by then or not? So it takes away that anxiety. Would he fight such plans - would he insist on spending Christmas with DS?

You are very resilient and one helluva strong lady...gladiator-style . I am upset on your behalf...but please know that we are thinking about you and sending you more strength.

I'm not sure whether this means I go to the back of the queue or not, but I expect so Nevermind, can't do anything about it now, just need to push forwards.

Yes I think you are right, I just need to make plans for Christmas that don't involve him. He can choose what he does then. I'm not sure I can get away with taking DS away for actual Christmas Day, but it's only one day and we can do the family rounds in the morning without H, and maybe go away for some of the other days.
Thank you for sending strength, you have really cheered me up

Itsmeandimscared
Thx for checking in! And no I didn’t get the nisi sorted as he wouldn’t sign forms unless I paid for the court fees....twit could’ve said that months ago! Anyhow, same plan different route! And no money....means no holiday this year! I wish !!

Tiddleypops 👋❤️🤗
Well, where have you been?!
I know how annoying these things can be, they always happen to me as well! But, sometimes they happen for a reason. I hope that’s the case for you. I’m usually a xmas nutter! But the last few yrs have just endured it. So this year I’m not worrying about it Im just deciding that things will work out as they are supposed to! At least I won’t have to do everything while he sits drinking in the corner with a hangover and a face like a slapped arse!🤪.....it’s life’s little wins you know!
I hope your H accept financial offer then you can see movement towards your goals...and freedom x

My plan has changed a little, nisi {any day now} CSA as kids need things for university and college start, then silence until after xmas. This way I can have a quiet xmas, kids get what they need, I feel like I’m controlling something and lastly, so HE can feel what it’s like to get nowhere for months! I’m hoping this strategy will help him accept my financial offer which I am going to change slightly. Well, if you don’t ask, you don’t know!
We are seeing less and less of mine now, as he’s always out, drinking.
He really thinks he can just ‘walk away’ from his responsibilities, well, actually don’t know how that works because he didn’t take care of any responsibilities when he was here! But, you know what I mean!!

So, ladies, wishing you all some peace this weekend and a little less worry xx
Sending you all strength 💪🏻Love❤️And hugs 🤗