Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@RoseMartha, sorry to hear that H has still not set up financial support for DC. Are these men made from the same special mould somewhere? Hang in there.... With each day that passes, it is one day closer to something changing about that situation. That's what i tell myself.

@user1486131602, I understand your sadness and the fighting with yourself and all the different emotions. With everything going you still sound strong. Well done.
I hear you when you talk about the uncertainty and being the one the kids are relying on to them safe when you don’t know what’s happening yourself. That is frightening. Fear of the future...fear of the unknown.

@Itistimeandiamscared jeez, a law firm for men just like this? Wow. That is creepy!
You don't need to prove abuse, and you don't need him to sign the papers to proceed. Can you prove he's had them? I spoke to the court and they said that if I could prove he'd received them then I could proceed straight away. He cannot stop you divorcing him. He can kick and scream and make it difficult, which is familiar around these parts! But he cannot stop it.

@user1486131602 yep time to crack on. You sound like you have a solid plan to move things along. Good luck with the next steps. You can do no more and what you are doing is really positive. Keep your focus on those things you can do. If the find that crystal ball though, please can I borrow it when you are done? 😂 Tears are good sometimes. I cried all the way home from work today (1.5 hours in the car, I wasn't on the bus or anything 😅) and felt a little lighter afterwards!

@RoseMartha I hope you told them you were not best pleased kids can be callous can't they? I think that now you don't have to deal with that twat in your space all the time, you'll find yourself dealing with the kids better and I'm sure their behaviour will improve. I know I am much better at dealing with DS if I'm not simultaneously walking around on egg shells with my temper and patience right on the edge of a knife. I parent so much better when he's not there.

@DishingOutDone I hear you! I'm doing everything while that entitled tosser sits around and enjoys it. That really gets my back up. I agree with PP, do not waste any more time. This resentment will eat you up if you wait

Hi, @user1486131602, how are you this morning? How are you feeling?
I could do with a crystal ball too.
Just find myself constantly crying.
Is it okay if I ask why you need 7 days before you can divorce him..? If he hasn't signed the papers, how are you going to get him to sign them?
Do your solicitors know he was abusive to you? Can't they proceed without him signing?
I do apologise if this is stressful. I am just trying to understand because I am in a similar situation.
I hope you are better today. Keep strong.

@Tiddleypops, hi.
Yes, this law firm has a lot of adverts on the radio. They advertise for 'Men who don't want to lose everything they have worked for' 'men who the divorce is not their choice' 'men who don't think the woman should by default be considered the primary carer'...they say are a law firm for men in a time when the law is unfairly geared against them. They are for men who do not think they should lose part of their pension etc.
I am not surprised he went for that law firm. The first time I heard their advert, we were still together, this was just over 2 years ago but straightaway in my head I thought, if we were to divorce this would be the type of law firm H would go for. And indeed, he didn't dissapoint.
I can't prove he has received the petition though I know he has.
I am so sorry to hear about your crying yesterday. That's was me yesterday...that's been me this past 2 weeks. A lot of tears. A lot of crying. Crying can be good for the soul it is like the tears are water washing away a dusty window...after the crying we are calmer and can see that much clearer..a clearer vision of what next to do.
Sending you strength.

Morning ladies!
Itsmeandimscared:
I called the court to ask if he had returned the papers, they have 29 days to reply to your petition, they informed he had not. But, once the 29 days are passed ( this Friday for me) I am able to download form D11 from the gov.org website, attaching proof that he has had them but not signed them ( I have the journal entry, photos of the forms arriving here, photos of the forms being redirected by me to his mums address, and I messaged him asking if he’d received them ...I kept that text saying he’d had them but returned them unsigned) so I need to attach said proof to the form pay a fee of £2 and then it goes in front of a judge....decree nisi! But, this is because of his abuse during our marriage being the reason for the divorce.
Yes, of course they know. But they recommended we do nothing as to not give him a reason to not sign the nisi forms.....well, that didn’t work did it! So, I’m not waiting anymore. And I certainly not paying £1000s for them to just wait! Crystal ball? Pile of old balls more likely! If I find one I’ll share it, but, knowing my luck it will be a battered old tennis ball😂. I am feeling exhausted today. Just woke and feel like I could sleep for 100yrs. Nanny nap coming on ! Thank you for wishes of strength, right back at you! And it’s not stressful you ask anytime!

Tiddleypops:
You sound a little better.
We must all cry to wash our souls of those evil little gits!
Sounds like emotionally you aren’t far behind me. I’m am so much better when I don’t see mine, I can deal with the txts even phone calls, but when I see him I’m upset. It’s hard to be divorcing when you don’t hate someone, thats just something else to be dealing with.
Don’t worry about the solicitor he chose, worry about yours. Make sure they are going to get the best deal for you! He won’t have much luck when you put the drinking etc on the table. As I said to mine : you don’t have to prove a thing to me, but you have to to the law. They can’t!

RoseMartha:
I know the kids are being nasty. Mine too. But, it does get better. Mine were vicious at the start, but as time goes on and their calm home remains calm, they will relax. They are hitting out at you because you are their safe place, the one person who will not leave. I tried to think of it this way: if they are being rude to me, they are not being rude elsewhere. I’m sending you hugs 🤗 because I know it hurts. Get on to CSA don’t wait, I’m 5 months waiting to apply AND THEY DONT BACKDATE PAYMENTS. So, you txt STBXH and say if you haven’t paid and set up direct payments by Friday I’m going to CSA as Soon can’t afford to feed OUR kids.

So, just another day in the life game of divorce.

Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@user1486131602, that's really helpful. I emailed the solicitors at 3am (can't sleep) asking them what other ways we can proceed and reminding them of the abuse cited in the petition. And the fact that they (my solicitors) provided his solicitor with all the divorce petition details.
I can't afford a 2nd opinion. There is just no money.
The main thing is proving he has received the notice from the court. How do i do that? How...?
I want to cry...i want to scream.

On another note, I have found cheaper lawyers...so if I have to be billed hourly, I would have to move solicitors, so the cost doesn't mount up too fast. I am loathe to do so...i hope it doesn't come to that but if it does I pray for courage to do what needs doing. My life is so shaky...i get scared just making small changes. At the moment, I am requiring daily counselling.

Itsmeandimscared:
Hey, we all need counselling daily, just depends on who’s doing it!
Have you tried just txting him? Just plain old ask him! He might not tell you but I bet he does! Their temper and the need to be in control, trips them up! Ask the solicitor for their proof of postage/delivery? If they are not carrying out your instructions to your benefit, why would you want to stay with them? If you bought a pair of shoes and they only put one in the box, you would go elsewhere!!
There are plenty of websites that offer really good help and advice. These are the ones I have found useful: rightsofwomen.org.uk and cmoptions.org. The second one offers child support advice. I use these to work out what I want and how to get it then I tell my solicitor what I want to achieve.
Are you getting legal aid? Because if you are a SAHM or on benefits, with abuse cited as the reason for divorce....you should qualify!
The frustration and anxiety of dealing with this is just beyond!
Sometimes I do a deal with myself! “ It’s too much for me today, so I’m going to clean all the bathrooms today and then watch something on TV, BUT, tomo I’m going to get back at it”. Cleaning the bathrooms is no great joy, but doing something keeps my mind off all the daily crap you worry about over and over!
So, step away from the chaos, take a day off.

Then sit calmly and use the iPad to find out what and how you can move forward.
OR, go on a flamingo gin hunt!

See there’s always something good to think about!😂🙄
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

how is everyone today? Weekend coming up that usually means shit for me, H is at home all day sat and sun AND Monday.

I've been investigating a couple of things - him being able to rent a flat, and I've just rung two more estate agents who said a person on his wage would not be accepted. However, they can use a guarantor so I am looking into that now. Also his pension, apparently I'd need to pay an actuary as its a very specific pension scheme. Ok so I might have to walk away from the pension, but if he can't rent that means he needs his equity out of the house and that means us living together whilst the sale is sorted out.

With our combined income, we can just about support ourselves, cover our (interest only) mortgage payments and support our DDs. I'm just having to sort out another loan for us as it is as we've been borrowing on credit cards for living expenses.

If we have to not only split that money into two households, but then pay solicitors fees how will we cope? We are looking at £££s in fees due to his unusual pension, fees that normally someone sorting out a multi-million pound estate might incur.

Fuck. His income will only stay the same so does that mean he will NEVER be able to rent? He's 60+ now so what happens when he is 65+ will he not be able to get any housing at all, even with his equity that won't be enough to buy anything outright in the South East unless I agree to go 50:50 with him, that then leaves me unable to get something with enough bedroom for both DDs.

Fuck.

DishingOutDone:
I’m sorry, that’s shit! Even so, you are not responsible for him.
We have an interest only mortgage too, due to the STBXH regular mental breakdowns we weren’t able to make capital payments.

You sound like me. Always having to find a solution to the chaos. You alone.
The fact that you would need to have an actuary to look at his pension, is not undoable. Have you thought about getting an online one! What about one in a different city? There are really good ones here in Cardiff and they are WAY cheaper than the london area?
If you are consolidating debts again, add in money for the house to be updated, it will be worth £1000s more than the cost when/if you have to sell.
So, don’t walk away from any benefit you can get from your marriage. The costs for that would be shared as a divorce settlement also.
Maybe you should switch tactics?
Your daughter wants you to wait til she’s in uni, right?
Would that 2 yrs be long enough for YOU to work towards what you want for the future? But, you also have to change the way you think about your hubby. What is he doing to sort things out for himself.......?
Go to the park, with a paper pad and start writing down what you want and step by step how to get it. Then you don’t have to be around him doing nothing all weekend.
Do this for every little thing. And then the result and the next step.
You ONLY have to figure out what’s best for you ( and desaturate the mo!) it is not your job to worry about him, his house, his guarantor, his life, his age, his well-being, how much he’s left with!
If there’s enough equity left in your house, great...none left in mine! But, when you are going to be renting yourself would you be entitled to any benefits? If you are citing any form of abuse EA for example, the women’s aid will help you find housing, the council has to help as a duty of law!
Excuse the bluntness: YOU need to more than just listen to the solicitor.
Make it your mission to find things out, there’s loads of free info on the web. Women’s aid site has loads, gingerbread has load, rights of women.org, loads!

Stop worrying about him. If he can’t get off his arse to sort h8mself out, then let the chips fall where they may......not you problem.

I hope you can get some peace. And I’m willing you the strength to start this for yourself x

Love 💕 and 🤗

You ONLY have to figure out what’s best for you ... it is not your job to worry about him, his house, his guarantor, his life, his age, his well-being, how much he’s left with!

User thank you for your support, you are so generous with your replies as ever but my solicitor told me I would not get an occupation order unless H had somewhere to go. So that's one issue. Also my DDs have asked me not to get the occupation order, they don't want him thrown out - youngest DD I was so moved she said "how you and Dad split up with dictate our relationship with him for the rest of our lives" - they don't want to be around him but they don't want him camping on the doorstep rending his clothes or following us round Sainsburys and believe me, he would do that.

In a court, surely he'd just get 50% - again, if he cannot get something reasonable to live in, bearing in mind the lovely house we have now (was all refurbished 2 years ago) the DDs will again be upset, they dont want to see one parent being comfortable and one in a bedsit.

I hope to go for more equity out of the house - as you say I have 2 years now to work this out. But I don't want to poke the snake then have to live in the same house with it. If H starts causing problems I will throw him out, but at the moment he's fairly calm - he generally has one attack of the crazies a week, and then is just generally selfish and lazy. He's also completely stopped upsetting youngest DD, this has been trend since last Autumn but he's completely changed tack with her and now only takes it out on me.

Maybe he's got wind of it all. BTW he sat there most of the day watching Carry On films (all time is "Me Time" to him) including carry on Cruising and it just hit me - when I do get my equity I'll just set off on a cruise, and then another one and another one after that! I've heard of people doing it?!

@Newuseroftheweek - welcome. If you have young kids, do it now, please - I've exposed mine to a lifetime of grief and it has affected who they are now, also as you can see from my post they are now involved in every decision. Whereas if yours are young then you are the adult and you have all the choices.

...my husband just wants me to change to suit him, and I'm the one wanting to go - yep, I've been married over 30 years and my H has ALWAYS told me that things would be fine if I just did what he says.

DishingOutDone:
The only time I’m getting around the world cruise on repeat is after I die! Asked to be thrown off the back of a cruise ship instead of being worm food!
You have lived your life for others. Your daughters don’t get to decide what should happen, unless they are going to pay for him, or provide for you! And I know you won’t let that happen.
Your solicitor is incorrect. Mine told me he has to have FUNDS for somewhere......that’s not your problem!!
Your children’s relationship with their father will never be any different to now, I should now my parents divorced when i was 10. It will be the same amount of effort as before only with his moaning on top!
No one can tell what the court will decide. But with grown up daughters I believe it will demand a clean break, selling up and all assets, pension included, will be divided.
Use your time wisely. Keep records. Make your plans and see what happens, sometimes the snake will turn.
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Newsuseroftheweek:
Welcome.
As DishingOutDone says, leave and please do it now?
Your children will adapt and flourish. If you are so unhappy now, think what this will do to you and them.
We all wait believing things will change, they do, for the worse!
If there is any advice we can offer even just handholding you know where we are!

BTW I looked up the cost of long term cruises and my equity would be gone in less than 5 years. I had it mind to live longer than that. Its just not a sound plan ... maybe a houseboat?!

DishingOutDone
Cruises, long term or otherwise are massively cheaper from USA.....look into that! Look on here, for something to do: bookit.com/cruises and choose Florida ports!
Don’t need an answer, but just need to vent......just has a FaceTime call from the pissed up STBXH, what a f ing cheek! Probably wanted a lift home!

@Newuseroftheweek, you are welcome to the group.
Very sorry to read about your situation, it must be very difficult. It does sound like something needs to change. Feel free to come on here to vent or get support - whatever you may need. Welcome..!

@DishingOutDone, I just wanted to come one and give you some . You must be tired a lot of the time, constantly thinking, what to do for best. I empathise and I hope you come to a decision you can live with. ..

So ladies I hope you weekend didn’t include too much chaos!

I was right, mine called to apologise for calling me. No reason for calling me tho! He was drunk, so I’m sure he rang for a lift home, as would’ve been usual, then realised!!
And today I heard from my solicitor, he didn’t sign the nisi forms cos he wanted me to pay the £250! What a complete dick!
So, I’ve agreed on the basis there’s no more delays. And my solicitor advised to go to the CSA for the child support he’s not paying me! So in broad terms that £250 for the papers has cost him £9000 a year for child maintenance. Cheap at half the price!😂🙄
Still haven’t asked for anything for myself, but just don’t want to wait for the nisi anymore.

Love 💕, hugs 🤗 and strength to everyone xx

@Itistimeandiamscared - thank you that's kind of you to say.

I wonder what the deleted post said? Might be connected to school holidays!!

@user1486131602 oh that would be great, £250 of anyone's money well spent as they say!

DishingOutDone:
Will post an update after speaking to CSA tomo, as both dc are out!
This man brings home nearly £3k a month, pays £100 a month for dc food ONLY and doesn’t sign the form cos he wants me to pay £250!
What a self-centred, small minded little mummy’s boy he is....and now everyone else will see his true colours! Weasel!
Best £250 I’ve ever spent!

Hi, everyone.
I had one of the most difficult weekends yet. H was in full abusive mode. Name calling, accusations, gaslighting, changing his mind after getting what he wants then making new demands...when he expects a fight and doesn't get it...and instead he gets an 'okay..no prob' he changes his mind again! If he gets a fight he goes harder...when I give in, he changes his mind on his demands.
I eventually had to pull away and stop reading his loooong messages.
All the while he is being aggressive, accusatory and difficult, he is telling people to come and tell me he loves me and wants to give the marriage another chance provided I change my behavior.
This was all weekend right up to an hour ago.
I am exhausted. I feel drained. And I feel so low in my confidence and self esteem.

@Itistimeandiamscared I am so sorry to hear how he is being - doesn't sound like this will change or stop. Do you have to read the messages and respond? Can you get a £10 phone or whatever, give him that number and then block him from your main phone? So the cheapo phone is only for him. Would that work? Does he still see the kids?

Itsmeandimscared
Sorry to hear that, it’s is exhausting!
Please just try and turn it round in your head as it being yet more proof that
1 you don’t and won’t be going back to him
2 that’s yet more proof for your divorce that he’s put in writing for you!

2nd phone is a great idea if you can afford it!

The drama and chaos stops after a while. Just about when they realise they can no longer control you or the situation!

Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@user1486131602 well done! £250 very well spent!