Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

DishingOutDone and clpsmum:
I’m sure I don’t know, but it sure was nice!
I don’t usually drink gin, just thought I’d give it a try cos the label was pretty!!
Went to Wetherspoons and the website says it’s marshmallow flavour....if you say so! This is a picture of the label

Clpsmum:
Mine said almost the exact same thing to me!
My best life is living without him and his drama! I’ll take all the others things as a price of getting rid of him.
Screw what they think!! That’s someone else’s problem from now on!
I don’t know what area you are in but you’re welcome to join me on a gin hunt, I hear there’s a flamingo one as well, I’m in wales! 🍸🍸

@user1486131602 oh wouldn't that be lovely! Unfortunately I'm in Scotland so couldn't be further away if I tried. But now I'm sitting thinking how nice it would be to sit drinking gin with a likeminded person who I could compare notes with! Half of my problem is I don't really have anybody up here so all my frustrations are mainly kept to myself. I am definitely going to hunt down unicorn gin and flamingo gin next time in out!

How far down the line are you with your ex if you don't mind me asking? He sounds like a carbon copy of mine! I'm so glad we both saw sense and did the right thing. Are your children coping ok with the situation? Sorry for all the questions and few free to tell me to stop being so nosey! I just fee like generally I'm in a really shitty situation and life is hard sometimes.

Clpsmum:
We are 5 months down the line and I basically forced him out. I made it really uncomfortable for him to be here. No washing , food, bills and even sleeping on the sofa.
His illness had all of us in chaos, my kids had failed their exams gcse and a levels, my dd diagnosed a depressed at 15, my son 18, crying to me that his life was slipping away from him, dh mother blaming me for everything, dh family throwing whatever shit the could think of at me, no help or support, no sleep, anxiety, and being diagnosed with a heart condition for myself...all this was started off by his dad passing.
So, after realising I could no longer cope with him, his chaos, all the crap it brings to our lives, everyone else shoving their responsibility onto me and him denying that he has an illness or that he needs medical help. And telling me in the usual foul language daily, I decided I wasted enough of my life being his career and servant, never being good enough, that I need my own life and peace, just peace.
So, told him in Feb I wanted a divorce and signed papers for the nisi then, he got a solicitor 2 weeks ago, as I was playing games?!
So, in March when the kids started the exams and resits I asked him to stay at his mums so they could get things done. Then his visits became longer and longer because I refused to serve him or his chaos!
Finally he accepted the divorce and that I’m pushing ahead whatever, he’s done a 180 and now ‘can’t wait for a divorce ‘
Whatever, whenever, it’s always about them
I really could care less about the house and things, a tatic that seems to be working, all I care about is the kids and peace. Since I stopped fighting for the house etc....so has he. he thinks he’s won! NOT.
My dd is better calmer, but I still have to deal with the hormones etc.....
My son, he’s calmer and more focused, but he’s still concerned that everyone should be happy! He’s of to uni in sept, time for his life to start!

We will all make it because we are mums, and that’s what we do!
Just vent here, that’s what we do, support each other, listen.
So sending you love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Thanks for recapping user I must admit I feel embarrassed as I can't follow everyone's story sometimes but this is very clear. I didn't realise that our DCs are exactly the same age, my eldest off to uni in September, and my youngest just done GCSEs having been diagnosed with depression at 15 and missed almost the whole of year 11.

Main difference seems to be that my H has nowhere to go, no family - that worries me because ultimately he has to go somewhere, the DCs don't want him in a grubby bedsit, hence my thinking he could stay in our big downstairs room (get a day bed), until we can sell and get our equity out.

DishingOutDone
No! Not your responsibility!
Get alcohol annon involved, social services would have help available, as part of your youngest being diagnosed as depressed....get on to them and unload him. You are their mother, but not his!
Again, you do not sit and wallow, drinking abusing those around you, not your pasture....not your shit!
You won’t ever be able to make a life for yourself if you don’t being self-centered. You have used your life to bring your kids up well enough to be independent, you didn’t marry another child, so why are YOU responsible for him? Did he think of any of you when he did as he pleased? I think not.
So, get on with that journal I told you about, make plans for yourself and your future in it. Write down every little thing you need to do to make that happen, and once the new school year starts.....so should you!
I have no one and nowhere to go, but would gladly live in a pokey flat if I could be free of the drama. Mine has only left because it suited him, he’s out every weekend drinking and buying yet more designer clothes, has taken his kids out once in 5 months and doesn’t pay anything save the £100 a month food allowance for both of them!
He tells them he’s happier than ever and is going to buy a new house and have everything new and to his taste! What a twit! Does he really think his kids care about that when they can’t eat?! Complete dick!!
So, you can see, nothing changes ever, with them me! Me! Me, me!

user I think you are thinking of Tiddleypops? Mine doesn't drink at all. Drives everyone to it though....! Same advice applies though really.

Oops! 😬 sorry xx

Hugs all round🤗🤗🤗🤗

Good news. He gave me back the money he borrowed.
Bad news: still no update on when maintenance will start. Which is making me anxious.

Also my UC appointment was okay but still four weeks before I get any help.

H still trying to control me even though not here 😕🙄.

Kids been so so.

Hiya ladies, just catching up. Hope we all got through the weekend OK 🤗

@DishingOutDone this really resonated with me;

"He has no real family and has alienated his friends so any attempt at a relationship from our daughters he will seize upon as a lifeline; not to enjoy time together but for him to use them as a practical and emotional crutch"

My first thread on here was about how I felt so stuck because my H had no one. And financially too, I felt like I had to sort out all his mess. I don't. The money he'll get is supposed to be for him to move on, but he'll have to use it to pay off his debts. That's all in him.

@user1486131602 I'm so glad to hear the kids are calmer. I really think that the atmosphere so oppressive when there is a bully in the house. They'll thrive now, it might take time for them to adapt, but they are already relaxing into new lives.

@RoseMartha ARRRGGGHHHH your H is such a controlling wanker It's early days. The kids will settle in time. You shouldn't have to take abuse from them, regardless of what they are going through, they are not entitled to treat you badly. Don't feel guilty for setting boundaries. It will give them the stability they are craving, I'm sure. I hope H sorts his shit out so they can settle into a routine!

@clpsmum urgh he really sounds delightful! What an arse! I also have no idea how I ended up marrying my H! I think he saw my low self esteem and made a beeline for me. Here we are 14 years later... I hope you are doing OK. Sounds like the DC have the measure of him!

All sort of ok here. I went away at the weekend with friends which was lovely. I have a crazy busy week, but I'm learning to say no to people when things get too much.
I saw a signed declaration form which my H had signed to send to his solicitor. It was about the financial agreement, but the form in itself didn't have the actual detail. I take from this that his solicitor is writing to mine with a response to the proposal I put forward in April (f*ing April!! Months ago! ). Hopefully it means that we'll make some more progress soon.

Sounds promising Tiddley. Any more updates on it?
I too am rubbish at saying no when someone asks me to do them a favour. However i have noticed that no one does me favours in return. not that it should be so but always seems one sided.

Closer to getting finance organised to be sent off but not close enough for me to sign document before it goes.

No maintenance news. But I am not hanging on waiting much longer. Will have to ask him again. Its hard because I dont want him to know I am desperate as that will make him hang out longer. Will have to casually ask and hope he does not take offence. 🙄😕

Hi, Everyone.

Welcome @clpsmum.

I have reading and catching up.

Congrats @RoseMartha, that's great news that he has left. I had a little party in my head for you when i read that.

@Tiddleypops, seems like things are progressing. Fingers crossed. Really pleassed for you.

@DishingOutDone, i agree with @user1486131602 DH is not your responsibility. He can and will sort out himself. And he will be okay.

@user1486131602, glad to hear STBXH has finally got a solicitor. That's one more step towards having a life you can build for yourself and be at peace.

I have been unwell...really depressed and stressed. I was entertaining stupid thoughts. I didn't want to go on...
I spend day after day just crying.. sometimes for no reason at all. I have not been okay. I feel i am about to burst at the same time i feel like i am squeezed in a slighly too small box.
Financially, i am starting to have nightmares about not being able to feed DC and other times, it is one were i wake up to find all the DC frozen in their beds in winter.

STBXH would not acknowledge service of the petition from the courts. This is at risk of moving me from a fixed fee divorce bill to hourly billing. The solicitors say it is no longer a straightfoward divorce hence the move to hourly billing. They also want to get him served. I can't afford hourly billing so have asked them to halt action in meantime. But what can i do?

I am struggling with all the demands on me DC - wise, emotionally, mentally, work-wise, financially, from solicitors, from struggling to cope with getting rejection after rejection as i try to downsize and also move somwhere more affordable but can't because the EA won't have 3 kids (and myself) in a 2 bedroom house/flat.
I have ceased to feel anything...i am mostly numb and just going through the motions.
I feel so lost and alone.
I don't feel enough. I don't feel enough and i think i am letting DC down by feeling that. I am worried i am going to be incapable. I am really low.
My therapist is great...but i think i am lying in those session because i feel it's expected i get better...so i say things that give that impression.

Sorry to be such a downer. I haven't been able to make calls, text, email, browse the internet or come on to mumsnet for weeks because mentally i couldn't work out how to do that..they seemed like mountainous tasks. I couldn't cope.

DishingOutDone
Im Sorry x
I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself, the same as me and you are doing so well. Your whole life is just hanging while you are waiting again. I know how scary that is.
Stop! Take a breath.
You are not letting your kids down, you are their hero, you are saving them from a lifetime of abuse.
Step back. Stop trying to control things that you can’t. I found that this was where all my worries and stresses came from. Just let things be.
You are sad and lonely and scared. That’s ok, you are allowed to be. Everything is uncertain. I have been where you are, please believe me, it does pass, you are also grieving as your whole life is different and it takes time to adjust. Please ask the dr for some meds, you don’t have to take them forever, but you could use some help. Start telling your counsellor the truth, they can’t offer advice if you aren’t truthful, plus, this time is for YOU.
I have felt as you have and been that low 2x. I am a person who does not cry usually, choosing to ‘do’ something instead, but, god! Have I cried, stayed in bed, stopped eating, going out, washing myself and just wallowing. But, things do get better, they really do.
One day at a time. One thing at a time. If you saw a friend going thru what you are, what would be your advice to them? DO THAT FOR YOU!
Your STBXH will try to manipulate the situation, you included, because thats who he is. Has he signed the divorce papers? You do not have to wait for him, you can file for divorce without him.
Call women’s aid in your area, they can help you find accommodation and offer loads of free advice. EA is still abuse.
So, sit back, take all the time YOU need, no decision is still a decision!
Sending you love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Can you go to GP for help or Citizens advice?

Sounds awful.

Have you tried writing things down to get it off your chest.

today I was worried about money as h has still not set up dd for CM. And I wrote down what food we have in the house and how many meals that will make and then whats the minimum I can spend. If that makes sense. Which helped a bit.

Trouble is my h is all talk and no action. Promises this and that and does not deliver promises.

Ty for your party in your head. It is such a relief. Although at times I feel like you a bit overwhelmed with everything that needs doing. Which is silly really because apart from mowing the lawn and decluttering and sorting house out for sale, I have been doing everything by myself for the last 18 months.

I have been an emotional wreck this week too. Crying all over the place. It is okay to cry. 🤗🤗

Hope you are having an ok weekend xx

Ladies 🤗🤗🤗 for you all too.

I think you are doing a great job even if it doesnt feel like it. I think we are too hard on ourselves. Probably because we have been abused for so long.

Remember one day at a time. 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Thank-you, @RoseMartha for kind encouraging words.

Like you, i had been doing everything for myself, the children, the house for years! It used to feel like a lot even then and i resented that he didn't pull his weight. Now, he is not here, it is practically 'business as usual and honestly, from the chores/jobs point of view his absence is not noticed at all!

But i still worry and get anxious about things that need doing.

I had an okay day yesterday even with the underlying anxiety. Thank-you.

STBXH won't sign acknowledgement papers from the court. Even though he has eventually got a lawyer... from a firm that advertises solely for men... that do not want to lose all that they have worked for in a divorce.

He doesn't like me, would not treat me like i am human, is abusive, now apparently i am dead to him but he won't let me go. He won't let the divorce process go ahead.

@Itistimeandiamscared - that sounds awful, I mean thank god he's out of the house, but why is the solicitor saying go on to hourly billing - purely because your Ex won't sign the papers? Or is money likely to become an issue e.g. selling house, maintenance etc? You sound like you are doing an amazing job keeping it all together to you.

I've had a setback - I posted on my own thread asking about pensions advice as H is currently drawing a large pension and I thought I'd get extra equity from the house in lieu, but there's a suggestion now that I won't get a penny of it. I based my decisions on his pension, I thought it would be an asset of the marriage, but it might not be. I have to get specialist advice now. Its looking more and more like I won't be able to press ahead with the separation. I'd told myself that this summer was to be the end of it, for the time being, either walk away now or shelve the plans - DD16 has already said she would prefer me to wait until she is at uni, I said I couldn't promise anything like that but I would try to make it as easy as possible. If its going to be a total nightmare, then I need to back off and keep on with my research.

Like your H itistime my H has spent years avoiding any task he can. He has announced today he's watching tv all day - all time is his time in his world, he never has a "to do" list. As I thought I would be asking him to leave soon, I'd stopped asking him to do tasks around the house - I mean he still puts stuff in the dishwasher but he refuses to do any repairs and maintenance, or take care to keep things nice. This can't go on, as it will run down the house prior to it being sold, but its amazing how he's not noticed I have stopped asking - because in his mind, that's exactly how it should be. He's told me before, if I want jobs done I need to earn more to employ someone to do them!

Oh dear guys, where will it all end? When I think my poor mum died before she could leave my Dad, it was impossible for her in the 1970s surely it must be possible for me now?

Hugs to everyone struggling with frustrations today.

Itsmeandimscared and DishingOutDone
Sending you both big hugs 🤗. I think you both need second opinions.!!

DishingOutDone:
You may not be able to get extra equity in the house, but, you should be entitled to a portion of his pension for as long as he is drawing it! Might be a good point of leverage.
I’m sorry he’s being a dick! But what else does he know how to be?!
While you are not yet separated, get someone in to do all The repairs, take a loan out if you have to, that’s communal and he is liable for half! Maybe that will get him off the sofa! But, I doubt it.
Please don’t wait any longer. Every day you will die a bit more inside, I waited ( wasted) 5 years, it didn’t help.

Itsmeandimscared:
You do not NEED hi. to acknowledge or sign the papers, you can divorce him without his permission. If you are citing any form of abuse, emotional, for example, this overrides his rights to sign etc. It really sounds like you could do with a second opinion. Please call a solicitor that specialises in family law then collect your thoughts and go back to yours for a brainstorming session or ask them to recommend someone in your area that can help. Doesn’t sound like yours are particularly forceful!
Mine has said to me twice, that I am the only client they’ve had that knew what they wanted from the start and hasn’t changed my mind about anything! I researched everything beforehand then told them what I wanted. And if that wasn’t forthcoming, what I wanted from the ‘abuse’ route.

Ladies, don’t give up. Don’t be used up either! We all deserve happiness. Sometimes it’s just hard to find it! Xxx

@user1486131602, thank you so much for that advice. I didn't know that! I do worry thought that i don't have anything to prove abuse.
It was an abusive marriage. I only went to the police on two occassions...the first in 2011...where i went in to speak to someone...i wasn't given a case number...i can't remember the officers name but he did say my house number and phone number will be flagged for the next 6 months.
The second occassion was last year which prompted him leaving.
I don't have a police report. And i haven't gone in to formally accuse him of abuse because this will trigger an arrest. His reaction to this will be mega...and i can't trust the law or the police to protect me and the kids from him. Since last year, i have turned to them a few times and each time it has been notjing from their end. I really feel alone in this. And scared. Because i am dealing with an angry, very patient, petty, vindictive person who has vowed to wreck me. His words were actually 'destroy' not wreck. I am exhausted.
I am struggling to make ends meet, i have got work with it's long hours which is busy and stressful. I can't seem to downsize because i have too many children to get a two bed. I am constantly worried... I can't afford to rack up massive solicitor bills...i haven't paid for childcare last week or even able to pay for this week... I am on my last quarter tank of fuel...i am unable to sleep...
Why does he have to be like this? And there are women (some even poor...or unemployed) in 3rd world countries that are very pro-men or non-3rd world contries that are very pro men, who do manage to make it away from horrible marriages. Why am i a working mother in a '1st world' country that allegedly is very pro-mothers/women going through this nightmare and not seeing a way out and being beholden to the whims of this man who is so angry that i dared to say 'No. No more'.

Maybe i am feeling so down and can't see the wood for the trees but i am trying. I just get so tired if everything being so difficult and so painful.

@Itistimeandiamscared - what a huge load to be dealing with. So are you renting at the moment and you want to rent something cheaper - is that what you mean by downsize? Have you tried getting an opinion from Shelter? Do you think you could afford a cheaper 3 bed on a social housing scheme?

@DishingOutDone, hi.
Yes, I can afford a three bed on a social housing scheme. The demand in my area has a 7 year wait apparently.
I haven't tried Shelter... I thought it was for those without a home. Thank-you for the information, I will ring them today.

Itsmeandimscared
You DO have the proof if the police have ‘marked’ your address there are records! Stop pussyfooting around this! Call women’s aid in your area, get some help! Since January this yr the LAW changed to include emotional abuse, so. You are not alone. I am going thru this too and tho I’m ahead of you a little I will tell you what I do know:
Let’s start with you. Go to the Dr and ask for meds and explain in detail why to get it on the record, they have a duty of care under the law to protect you. Then I went to women’s aid, reported it there, they gave me a solicitors name in my area that specialises in this, plus free time for consultation!
They then offered counselling, courses, tenancy and practical advice. I then took those reports to the police, who marked and attended my address twice! If you go forward with that, then yes, he will be arrested, BUT, he will have an order placed on him straight away to leave the property and not to come back.
You then have to apply for a non- molestation order so he can’t harm you or dc. You apply for an occupation order which allows you to live in the house alone until divorce is final. He CANNOT come back by LAW.
Once you have applied for the divorce paper and cited abuse, he has a VERY big uphill climb to prove he didnt do it. Also, that frees you to get benefits, mental health help, council tax benefit discount, grants for schooling college etc........and so on! Not least of all you can go ahead with the divorce without waiting for him!
So, work out what you can afford. Are all the bills in your name? If not stop paying them! Call the mortgage company and explain tell them you want to pay your half only and they should collect his 1/2 from him directly.

Get a second bank account, put your bills into there and your salary, check if you are entitled to any free hours childcare and apply.
Lock you passport and marriage certificate up somewhere safe. Change the passwords on EVERYTHING you own including bank account.
Explain the the childcare people what’s going on ask for some grace instead of feeling guilty, ask for help.
This is what I did, it also meant that I could use the abuse against him, he could leave or I would put abuse on the table for all to see and he would be arrested etc....it took a while for the penny to drop, but he left. Yours will too, because it’s more important to him to BE rather than DOING right. He is relying on you ‘breaking’ as was mine, but, it just fuelled me!!
I’m sure your dc will be sad, mine were but now things are calmer it’s better for them too.
I know it’s hard, but it can’t be harder than a continued life with him.
Time to do for YOURSELF.
Let me know if there is anything you need help with this site is good for advice. Gov.org/divorce
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Hello ladies
I’ve been quiet this week as have been struggling......have got some good news, my sister contacted me after about 4 yrs of NC ( mutually agreed) and we’ve had a good chat!

Bad news: STBXH has not and will not sign the divorce papers!
His solicitor is writing to my solicitor! GOD knows what he’s asking for now! Once I find out, I am asking my solicitor to put everything on hold at her end for 30days, that will give me time to divorce him myself
(saving fees) and once that paper is in my hand, I’ll be going to the CSA as he has only been paying £100 a month total. The CSA website says I should expect 600-700 a month at the least! My solicitor has told me to hold off claiming from CSA so he would sign the papers!
Well, 5 months later, he’s not signing them! So time to do it myself, get it done. I will then lodge the papers with my solicitor.
Saving me loads of time, stress and money!

Good news: it’s only a week til I can divorce him without any more fuss by going direct to the court ! ( and I will! )

Well, it was never going to be easy was it!

So, I have been fighting myself and my emotions all week, a few sad tears, but no massive breakdowns.
I am struggling to see how my life can be peaceful and happy if I’m feeling so lonely. Even so, I am looking forward.
Also, feeling sad that I am divorcing without ever discussing it with STBXH, he only ever discussed it with his mother!

Still, I am glad to be free, have NEVER once thought I’m doing the wrong thing so, I’m not confused, just anxious I guess.
And another week home alone with £2.74 in the bank......bonus!
I accept the changes and challenges but don’t like the uncertainty and it had to be the one the kids are relying on to them safe when I don’t know what’s happening myself!

Anyone got a crystal ,ball I could borrow?! 😜

Hope things are calm for you all
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@user1486131602

You are doing so well even if it doesnt feel like it.

I get days like that where I just cant face posting a message. So 🤗🤗🤗

I am glad you are so positive even though it is so tough.

Its hard being that strong person for the kids when everything is going on behind the scenes that they are not aware of such as how hard, expensive, difficult and emotionally draining it is.

You are getting there and you will get there and soon you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its just such a hard journey to make. 🤗🤗

Kids are still being difficult. They know I havent got much money until I get benefits. ( what they dont know is that H is supposed to pay maintenance and almost three weeks down the line and apparently he hasnt had time to set it up. (Had the time and money to spend expensive treats on himself though). Even though he has had about 7 days off and works about three minute walk from the bank!!!).

I also think it is because the kids dont want to move and its their way of kicking up a fuss. House not on market yet.

Also end of term tiredness and hormones not helping their moods.

But they also keep making digs about us being poor now and some really nasty stuff pouring from their lips. We went out with family at the weekend and there was a cafe with terrible prices. I bought them a treat but I went without as not enough money and they said they didnt care and I had not spent much on them! I was not best pleased with attitude.

Been slightly better tonight.

Hugs to all 🤗🤗

Oh ladies, hugs all round 🤗🤗🤗🤗

ARRRGGGHHHH! Why can't they all just f* off??!! They are all so alike, the selfishness, the manipulation, the total lack of respect. On top of all the practical shit it leaves us having to deal with, it actually really hurts when someone who you've had babies with, only wants to stab you in the back with a rusty knife and then twist it!

I too have had some correspondence. Financial offer rejected. Very threatening letter from his solicitor, just nasty.

But. He doesn't get to make me a victim any more. He's not going to affect MY recovery. He might be rubbing his dirty little hands with glee at the prospect of screwing all he can out of me financially, but. No, that is not winning. He isn't going to win. He will fall on his own rusty knife one day. Meanwhile I'm going to carry on focusing on me and DS.